Hello i am in a similar situation as any of you. My husband of 8 yrs and total of 16 years together is battling addiction to alcohol. He has suffered 4 sezuires in 8 years from trying to stop and had attempted AA but not seriously. He has been to a six month program stayed 4 and is now 2 months in a year program but it took threat of a divorce before he decided to go in. I am scared of 1 him not completing this 2 him thinking he can just come home after the program because i dont want to return to the same situation of him going back to drinking like he did after the 4mos from previous program. I feel different now from then and want to improve my life not hit rewind or replay. My feelings are not what they use to be. I am just looking for dome advice. Thank you

(((((Mummie))))) sorry we will share our Experience Strength and Hope with you and ought not give advise because we have learned what works and doesn't and we follow principles.  The suggestions I was given and followed was attend Al-Anon Face to Face groups, get and read the literature, get a home group, work the steps, find a sponsor and on and on until the program became a welcomed habit other than the habit I had of living with my alcoholic/addict wife.  That wasn't living in the manner I thought life was and it was insanity which I knew lots about.  I was born and raised in the disease and knew that more naturally than anything else.  

The program and the fellowship of the program saved my sanity, serenity and life and I got to celebrate another birthday today because of it.  You are not capable of curing your husband...this disease is not curable, nor can you control it or have caused it.  It has taken a power much greater than I in order to be able to live and survive in/with it so that I could find this keyboard and share with you.  Other in the MIP family will come and share with you also.  Listen with an open mind and continue to come back often and scroll back in time on this board to read the ESH of many other members.

(((((hugs))))) 

That is the disease at its most destructive nature.  Keep in mind that it has the capability for being fatal while causing deep insanity.  Sitting with and talking to the fellowship worked very well for me along with the other suggestions I was given about literature, meetings, sponsorship and more.  Al-Anon repeatedly instructed, "If you keep and open mind you will find help" and that is most true when learning about how this works.   I am in support along with the rest of the membership who will come with their ESH also.

((((hugs)))) 

 Hey Mummie....I know what you mean..."hes all i have known"  I was BORN into this disease so I never knew any other, healthy way to live....the insanity of alcoholl abuse is what I knew..so yea, I married it 2x and perpetuated my misery, even tho AH#2 was a sweetie pie and good soul, he was a alcoholic...and I didn't want to watch him die and yea, he would cook and break dishes, and one time he left a pot on stove and i smelled it and caught that,  I just was "done with it" and now?? I don't allow it around me...I don't hang with folks who abuse alcohol...if i see someone drinking more than one beer, I am outta there....and yea, your son will mimic dad, maybe...I am so sorry you are in this situation, but Al-anon will show you how to take good care of you and your boy.....please keep coming back...you are sooo worth it...

Hi Mummie and welcome.

My own experience is that the 9 months I have so far spent in Al-Anon (weekly f2f meetings, reading literature and starting a sponsor) have allowed my self esteem to raise from what was very low and battered to a level where I can now make healthy decisions for me and our children.  This was done by me focusing purely on me (and the children of course) and for me personally physically spending time apart from my AH.  This has allowed me to be very honest but in a kind way - rather than the hurt, angry person I had become before.  I can't force myself to love someone I no longer love.  I used to think that when / if he was sober our marriage would be ok again - but the reality is that it goes far beyond the alcohol.  So I am compassionate, but honest.  I am no longer prepared to live the lie.  We have 4 children at home, so it is more complicated.  We are now at the point where we will do a period of co-parenting in the same house, with very strong boundaries in place.  It really is one day at a time.  In future, my feelings may or may not return.  In future, we may or may not stay together. For me the programme has allowed me to live in the moment and make the best choices with the resources I have.  Hugs.

I drppoed off a letter to him ( better now than later) saying thr best bet for us after the program is to live separately for a year as well. So he can live productively and work on himself. As well as myself and my sons future. Its hard to feel like i am hurting him but not the way it sounds i am confident in ky decision. I pray theres a break through but i also know of his patterns and i am feeling that it might be the beginning of the end.

I am sorry that this is happening.  It is so hard to see our children hurt.  Hang in there and I am praying that things get better for you and your son.

Thank you everyone for your shares. I can relate to much of what has been said. These situations are extremely painful especially when kids are involved. I keep trying to remind myself that breakups are not uncommon and that kids will be ok. 

Mummie this is  how alcoholism works and it is working both of you at the same time.  Good for you stepping back from offers to control and leaving h I'm to his choices.  I read and am reminded how it worked in pieces twix my alcoholic/addict and myself.  I walked around all the time with a roll of dynamite in my pocket ready to blow up the world and our marriage at any time rather than to let go and let God first.  The letting go and letting God worked much better.  Keep on keeping on and staying with and in your program.   ((((hugs)))) 

Personally I think the rehab process can be very hard.  The expectations for the one who is left behind is way off.  You are left to handle everything and then you are expected to be wonderfully supportive at the same time.

That is a big load huh?

I know the phone calls from rehab were really hard for me.  The limits on communication are very very difficult to deal with. There is a set up in there somehow in that the only role you are allowed to have is a "supportive one".

Some programs have a transition phase and that seems to be helpful to a lot of people.

You have a tremendous amount on your plate.

I know today I cannot be all things to all people. Having boundaries means some people are not going to like you. That is anti everything we have in being superhuman in making everything right.

These days I do not have to make everything right. Indeed I know I go way too far to be flexible, helpful and kind.  When my boundaries are crossed, the lines go up  and I change some of those behaviors.

For me living with an alcoholic the boundaries go awol. They are bound to.

Even living around alcoholics hey do not to mention co workers.

Living life on life's terms is not an easy thing to do.  I had to let go of "perfect" outcomes.

The kinds of exhaustion I have put myself into making Thanksgiving "perfect" making Christmas perfect, buying for others is dizzying.  I had to resign all those roles.

Personally I think part of being a child is being disappointed in your parents in getting to know gradually they are human too.  That is part of emotional maturity. Some people certainly have a harder upbringing than others.  No one, no matter who they are "has a perfect childhood".  There are always going to be issues.

I work through issues all the time about my childhood and I was in therapy for decades.

One of the core issues for those of us in al anon is killing ourselves to make it "right" for others.  For me making it "right" for me is an almost impossible task how can I possibly think I could make it right for others.

I no longer have to put myself into states of complete and utter emotional exhaustion to make it right for anyone, even me.

Maresie. 

been there also Mummie with the kids being effected ouch .. so much pain .. when they hurt seems i hurt .. but i love what jerry shared up there .. the Reminder that alcoholism is a Family disease .. all feel the effects the hurt worry fear etc .. as we read or hear in meetings depending on whether online or off .. without such spiritual help living (loving) with alcoholism is too much for most of us 'alone ..

being an adult child of alcoholism as well . i also love what Maresei25 shared:

Personally I think part of being a child is being disappointed in your parents (or .. insert anyone really) .. in getting to know gradually they are human too. That is part of emotional maturity.
I think this is stirring the child in me as well .. still very much growing up here .. will forever be ..

wishing you much serenity .. it's suggested only for newcomers (those who haven't worked steps yet) to make no life changing decisions until we've worked them with a sponsor for guidance who understands the step process an how alanon works .. just food for thought .. hope you keep coming back and keep sharing .. there is an online meet here in both mornings and evenings .. may be worth giving it a try ..

I should qualify my remarks there that a child is in theory ideally supposed to be gradually disappointed by their parents.  Indeed parents are supposed to be able to attend to children's needs.

In theory at least being away from your children for extended periods of time is a form of abandonment that would not be a gradual disappointment. That would and could be catastrophic.

I should also say that my own experience with my parents was they did not meet my needs and I had to meet their needs.  There was a complete reversal.  The total reversal was in terms of my elder sister who was treated like their parent.  The culmination of all that was really catastrophic for me.  I would not mean to minimize that having a father away for an extended period of time is a big difficulty for a child.

Nevetheless given some stability and having a parent (the one who is left) being able to be stable a child could learn resilience from such situations.

There was no stability and no opportunity to reflect in my child hood. I would certainly imagine if a child has a parent who is able to be empathic and attuned to them about their father's absence that

would help them tremendously.

I know for me personally the total chaos caused by an alcoholic is too difficult to navigate.  I have certainly tired, been there and done that.

For me these days my limits are all about stability, improving my health, improving my environment.   They are not about making anyone else feel better, supporting anyone else or being the caregiver.

For me these days if someone does something to cross my boundaries, there is an immediate reaction and a reassessment of the relationship/

When I was with an alcoholic my boundaries were completely demolished.  Then they still expected me to help them and make them the center of existence.

I have a little more self protective instincts these days and those were largely built within the confines of al anon.  They were and still are tested daily by general daily life.  

They are not being demolished and squashed by anyone else.

Maresie. 

Personally I would not want to get back to what I once 'was".

That is a naive, low self esteem, desperate, people pleasing, boundaryless person .

Of course I was a popular person since I did whatever it took to make any relationship work.

These days I am far more self reliant, less desperate, healthy (I just had a health check up and I wasn't sick as a dog)

I am more focused on what I need to do next.  I am not focused on what anyone else needs to do next (although of course I do think about it)

Passion for me in the past was to do anything, almost absolutely anything to make a relationship work.  I had such severe abandonment issues.

Now when a relationship goes awol I do not torture myself about it.

Relationships end all the time.  I was a volunteer at one place for over 5 years.  That recently ended. For once it was not all about me.  The ending had nothing to do with me.

I desperately clung to some notion that if I did not have a partner I was less than. In fact I am more than without a partner (especially when you are a people pleaser like I was).

There are other options.  When I came to Al anon I wanted the relationship to go back to what it was. What I didn't realise that was the way the now Ex A behaves at the beginning of the relationship.

He never had any intention of behaving like that for the long term.

I thought it was something to do with me the way he acted.  In fact it was everything to do with the pattern he has in relationships, very little to do with me.

My whole self worth was tied up in the way he treated me.  It was all about "him" which was of course what he wanted.

Believe me I have to focus really hard to make it all about me rather than all about them.  I do not feel selfish.  My health is important.  I have much more work to do on my health.

The other topic is of course, the alcoholic's addicts I know are not in it for the long term. They are not looking after their health.  They are not thinking long term.

So in effect, by their actions, they are not making a commitment.  A commitment is to be in it for the long haul.

The alcoholic's version of commitment is far far different than mine.

maresi

s 

I used to focus a lot on that I didn't know what to do with the alcoholic.  In reality,with or without an A, it is pretty hard to know what to do.  Every day I am faced with decisions that are tough, how to fit it all in, budgets,

what to do for the holidays, how much to save, how much to spend, how to proceed with the goals.

I work through them but I have to say most days I am not absolutely certain how to do it, when to do it and what my limits are.

I used to think that would all be magically resolved if the alcoholic was not in the picture.

In fact having an alcoholic meant I did not have to think about all the things I needed to do in order to take care of myself. On some level that was a relief because it is a big task.

I can imagine that is only even more magnified if you have a child.

I know these days I seriously seriously limit the number of alcoholics/addicts I have in my life. I limit just how much I let them influence me,  I limit my contact. I limit my expectations.

Nevertheless in essence every day while I am not exactly writhing in pain, I struggle deeply with how to move forward, at what pace and what progress I should expect.

When I am around an alcoholic the struggle is all totally around them and their issues.  On some very basic level I relish having the pressure taken off "me" and onto them.

I would really like to focus on my alcoholic girlfriend and i certainly have in the past.  Letting her "be" has been very very difficult but it has been a relief to give up the responsibility.

When the "responsibility for me is solely on me. the process is entirely foreign.  Dealing with an alcoholic or an addict is very very familiar to me, not dealing with them is quite quite foreign.

Maresie. 

Hauoli la hanau or Happy Birthday in Hawaiian.  Take some time to go and do something very good for yourself and maybe include a friend you can smile with.  My birthday was on the 19th and I don't know if it is possible to get any older than I am right now.   Doctor told me a day ago during a physical that I had another 25 years left in me.  That would be a miracle I believe.   Keep coming back ((((hugs)))) 

Thank you for the birthday wishes. I was actually sick for my birthday as well as the weekend. I got a little hurt because i didnt receive a phone call or letter but he called today. However..... I did meet with a person who can start my legal separation but now i am having mixed emotions due to talking with my pastor at church today. He knows AH and myself for five years now so he asked about him and i basically said hes seems to be doing good but we dont talk much and i have asked him to live else where for a year when he comes out. I felt like i was being condemned because he told me if that was a wise decision and what about him having a stable environment when he comes out. I basically started crying my eyes out and said well i did this once before and i dont want to have a repeat of anything and basically he got up and left me sitting there. Its hard enough i am torn and have difficult decisions to make i have to feel guilt from others.  lt only makes matters worse. Too much to take in or to handle at one time. Top it off he will be sent out of county to finish his program and will visiting him even less. I hear doubts in his voice becsusr he says he misses the sound of my voice and us at home. I fid not budge i stsyed silent. I pray and hope he does not try to back out. I still need these nine more months to get things straight.