Thank you to the Al-Anon Chat Room - following some good advice y'all gave. More would be appreciated.
DellaElle said
Sep 19, 2017
Hi there -
I'm a bit of a newbie. I'm the one that posted before about my "I'm partially home bound, what's the best Al-Anon book to start off with since face-to-face meetings are hard to get to?" situation. I decided on "Paths To Recovery", and it just arrived yesterday. :)
After my first chat room meeting a few weeks ago, I was explaining the situation with my AS (would that be the abbreviation? Alcoholic sister?), and the abuse her children are enduring. I will explain it here, too, because if there's any other input y'all have, I'm all ears.
She says she's sober right now, and seems to be as far as I can tell, but, ya know, who knows. Her kids, though, my niece and nephew, ages 12 and 11, have suffered abuse for years - physical, mental, emotional, with occasional neglect. CPS has been called in multiple times, both by me and their schools. She was charged with child endangerment when she got her DUI, since they were in the car, but for some reason, after CPS talked with her, they dropped those charges. They suggested "voluntary rehab", and all she heard was "voluntary". I had to ask if I could drive them home about 5 months ago, because my sister had driven them to an after-school performance drunk. That means when she's not sober, she's driving them around drunk.
Once, when I happened to be at their old apartment, they called the cops for something different. When I spoke with the officers, they said they knew this address well.
It's gotten worse now, though, because their dad got out of prison in January, and is living with them. My nephew has told me that he beats him. Their dad is a Crip, and now, quite literally, the gang's all back together. My sister told me that he took my nephew out to drink with his buddies, using the excuse "It's better he does it with me than his friends". Seriously, y'all, my nephew doesn't have any friends around him to be drinking buddies. I'm getting seriously concerned for my niece, too. She may be 12, but she's 5'11" and maturing quickly. Her dad started calling her a "Ho" back in January, and I can't imagine it's any better with his friends. Just the whole gang culture thing.
To be totally honest, even with this new information about their dad beating my nephew, and how he's treating my niece, I'm afraid to call DHS. Even though it's anonymous, the details I can provide are things only I know because my sister or the kids told me. The only possible person I can think of that they would think called is a neighbor, especially since they just moved into this place. It was hard to call before, when it was just my sister. But now? Their dad is dangerous. He doesn't know where I live, but my sister and the kids do.
Well, a few of you suggested that I contact a Family Law Attorney. I'm on SSDI, so I'm pretty poor. So, I applied for Legal Aid today. I want to talk to an attorney about what to do. In my state/county, it's kinda that nightmare scenario with CPS that I've heard of, but never really believed until I started reporting. They don't have enough case workers, they have high turnover rates from burnout, and so it's usually the most extreme cases that are vigorously worked. They have a years-long case file on her, but apparently it's still not enough to do anything.
So, I think this is the best course right now, talking to an attorney for advice. I've been praying, and turning this over to my Higher Power, and trying to let go of expectations of outcomes. You know, trying. I can't save them - which suuuuucks, because my rescue instincts are in overdrive. I still want to do everything I can to protect them. I also don't want to get hurt in the process, which now, is a real possibility. That one's hard, because it feels super selfish. It's been helpful to hear from more sane minds that yes, protecting myself is priority one. It's just that the guilt sets in, and I start to not believe it. This just sucks all around. I hate this disease.
Any additional suggestions would be appreciated.
-- Edited by DellaElle on Tuesday 19th of September 2017 02:06:28 PM
shrnp said
Sep 19, 2017
Hello Della,
I am sorry you are going through this. It is such a hard thing when you aren't the victim and they are not your children. I am on disability too and know the constraints that can bring. Alcoholism can be very hard on children. I think it is good that you are speaking with an attorney. We really aren't suppose to give advice. There are domestic violence counselors that are free if you qualify. I took advantage of the online meetings here and it was helpful for me. Sometimes praying is all we can do. If you feel overwhelmed they say to concentrate on the next right thing instead of getting to far ahead of yourself. Try to take things one day at a time. I really hope things get better for you and your family. Keep coming back!!
Iamhere said
Sep 19, 2017
Hey Della - I have a cousin who recently lost custody of her child because of this disease. The circumstances were not near as 'drastic' as what you describe which tells me that different counties/states must have different workloads and definitions of 'concern'. Realizing that many details are known only to you, a report of suspected gang/drug activity could come from just about anyone. A report of a child in a bar could also come from anyone. Multiple reports for each 'offense' would create more visits. More visits may deter extreme behaviors.
I do believe talking with a lawyer will help shed light on what your rights are and what might be best next steps. Sending positive thoughts and prayers for all involved. I completely understand your concern and would be there too. I was very sad when our little guy was awarded custody permanently with his dad who lives way far away, yet grateful that he has a chance to be loved and find some normal before his childhood is over....he's only 5 but he's had 5 hellish years and been passed around to many of us and just no constant unconditional love or stability. I pray he's getting what he needs now.
Hi there -
I'm a bit of a newbie. I'm the one that posted before about my "I'm partially home bound, what's the best Al-Anon book to start off with since face-to-face meetings are hard to get to?" situation. I decided on "Paths To Recovery", and it just arrived yesterday. :)
After my first chat room meeting a few weeks ago, I was explaining the situation with my AS (would that be the abbreviation? Alcoholic sister?), and the abuse her children are enduring. I will explain it here, too, because if there's any other input y'all have, I'm all ears.
She says she's sober right now, and seems to be as far as I can tell, but, ya know, who knows. Her kids, though, my niece and nephew, ages 12 and 11, have suffered abuse for years - physical, mental, emotional, with occasional neglect. CPS has been called in multiple times, both by me and their schools. She was charged with child endangerment when she got her DUI, since they were in the car, but for some reason, after CPS talked with her, they dropped those charges. They suggested "voluntary rehab", and all she heard was "voluntary". I had to ask if I could drive them home about 5 months ago, because my sister had driven them to an after-school performance drunk. That means when she's not sober, she's driving them around drunk.
Once, when I happened to be at their old apartment, they called the cops for something different. When I spoke with the officers, they said they knew this address well.
It's gotten worse now, though, because their dad got out of prison in January, and is living with them. My nephew has told me that he beats him. Their dad is a Crip, and now, quite literally, the gang's all back together. My sister told me that he took my nephew out to drink with his buddies, using the excuse "It's better he does it with me than his friends". Seriously, y'all, my nephew doesn't have any friends around him to be drinking buddies. I'm getting seriously concerned for my niece, too. She may be 12, but she's 5'11" and maturing quickly. Her dad started calling her a "Ho" back in January, and I can't imagine it's any better with his friends. Just the whole gang culture thing.
To be totally honest, even with this new information about their dad beating my nephew, and how he's treating my niece, I'm afraid to call DHS. Even though it's anonymous, the details I can provide are things only I know because my sister or the kids told me. The only possible person I can think of that they would think called is a neighbor, especially since they just moved into this place. It was hard to call before, when it was just my sister. But now? Their dad is dangerous. He doesn't know where I live, but my sister and the kids do.
Well, a few of you suggested that I contact a Family Law Attorney. I'm on SSDI, so I'm pretty poor. So, I applied for Legal Aid today. I want to talk to an attorney about what to do. In my state/county, it's kinda that nightmare scenario with CPS that I've heard of, but never really believed until I started reporting. They don't have enough case workers, they have high turnover rates from burnout, and so it's usually the most extreme cases that are vigorously worked. They have a years-long case file on her, but apparently it's still not enough to do anything.
So, I think this is the best course right now, talking to an attorney for advice. I've been praying, and turning this over to my Higher Power, and trying to let go of expectations of outcomes. You know, trying. I can't save them - which suuuuucks, because my rescue instincts are in overdrive. I still want to do everything I can to protect them. I also don't want to get hurt in the process, which now, is a real possibility. That one's hard, because it feels super selfish. It's been helpful to hear from more sane minds that yes, protecting myself is priority one. It's just that the guilt sets in, and I start to not believe it. This just sucks all around. I hate this disease.
Any additional suggestions would be appreciated.
-- Edited by DellaElle on Tuesday 19th of September 2017 02:06:28 PM
I am sorry you are going through this. It is such a hard thing when you aren't the victim and they are not your children. I am on disability too and know the constraints that can bring. Alcoholism can be very hard on children. I think it is good that you are speaking with an attorney. We really aren't suppose to give advice. There are domestic violence counselors that are free if you qualify. I took advantage of the online meetings here and it was helpful for me. Sometimes praying is all we can do. If you feel overwhelmed they say to concentrate on the next right thing instead of getting to far ahead of yourself. Try to take things one day at a time. I really hope things get better for you and your family. Keep coming back!!
I do believe talking with a lawyer will help shed light on what your rights are and what might be best next steps. Sending positive thoughts and prayers for all involved. I completely understand your concern and would be there too. I was very sad when our little guy was awarded custody permanently with his dad who lives way far away, yet grateful that he has a chance to be loved and find some normal before his childhood is over....he's only 5 but he's had 5 hellish years and been passed around to many of us and just no constant unconditional love or stability. I pray he's getting what he needs now.