I have this grand niece, daughter of one of my nieces and she refuses to give me her phone number so I pm her on face book, trying, offering I should say my love and support and how we need to "draw together" and share our grief /support, etc., being as how we ALL lost someone very special and huge in our lives....
PM's are waaaay longer to read then a phone call where you can articulate and trade emotions and things can SO easily get taken out of context...
she first implies in a pm that "no one is gonna take grammas place and they best not try" so i write back asking "where is THAT coming from??? whose trying to take her place??? not me!!! I have my OWN place in life, trying to replace another implies I don't accept me...and I accept me....
and of course this takes a bit of typing to convey because I want her to understand that I am just trying to offer support AND receive support as we ALL lost her...I lost my ONLY sister.....so we are ALL hurting
then she writes me back denying what she said...said she has NOT the luxury of reading my "long posts every 5 minutes" and that I was "manic" and she is thinking of boundaries
Well, I write back and I say that since she refuses to give me her number, I am typing and I agree..its insane communicating like this...she has time to call others, to visit others, etc., but NO time to talk with me..."OK, I get it.." so I am doing the best i can to communicate...I also remind her about working another's inventory and I also said that I was out of the people pleasing business and when I see that everything I do is questioned or critiqued or otherwise does not give the other person a happy feeling being around me, I LOVINGLY DETACH which is what I am going to do right now....I told her "no worries about any more long pm's from me, I get the hint, I will pray for her but I'm putting some distance
then I unfriended her because if I am brutally honest, I DON"T LIKE this girl who is mean to her mother and uses the threat of denying her mom her grandkids if she doesn't walk on cracked egg shells with this B*^ch!!!!!
anyway, I cut her loose....I was kind, honest, i was, but I was also firm in that I am not walking on cracked egg shells for ANYONE and I will NEVER put myself where, clearly I am NOT wanted....I said God bless to her..I would pray for her continued recovery, but we , sadly, must just agree to disagree and leave it at that...
its sad!! but ya know??? I am not putting myself in front of a rabid dog, so why would I put my hand near her mouth...She has made it clear that I am at best a DNA relative she has, "like it or not" but doesn't want me and so I ACCEPT....
the old nothing changes if nothing changes is true and the changes I made are with ME, about ME and I LOOK at the situation and the person's treatment of me and I don't "gloss it over" with denying mesages like "oh she is just grieving" so am I...so are her AUNTS....so is her MOM....but I don't see them being snidly cruel to ANYONE!!!
Anyway, i texted her mom and told her in confidence that her daughter and I were not compatible and "don't say anything to her" but we are just not compatible and that I wlll pray for her but I'm outta there....
My sister has mentioned that she was "difficult" she didn't say anything about a hissing little Komodo Dragon
mamalioness said
Sep 19, 2017
I know this isn't "a-anon" per se, but she is recovering alcoholic, 2 years in recovery, and I'm trying to be loving, etc., but to be brutally honest???? I tried with her....I didn't "pass muster" and I moved on wishing her the best and God speed in her recovery....I am kinda "good" with me in that I was never, not once , unkind to her....so Progress on my part, but its disappointing.....I will be "ok" old sponsor told me that another's rejection is maybe Creator's protection??? I'm thinking that saying is spot on because this girl has ALWAYS even young, been very difficult...if you don't "please" her and treat her with kid gloves, she will get nasty....she has 3 daughters and she uses them as a blackmail tool to get her mother to "cooperate" with her in that if mom gets her mad??? she won't let her see the children.......I can't abide by people who are cruel and when called on it, deny it and try to turn the tables.....I will always mention her in my prayers, but I'm done!!! Ive changed...I don't persist where I'm not wanted....
mamalioness said
Sep 19, 2017
I took a drive to try and clear my head...with the others, I'm doing ok...I'm in TX they are ALL in CA...so I think I tried to hard with this one??? asked my daughter about that and she said with her refusing to TALK with me, I have no other way of communicating BUT with Pm'ing and she felt that I tried, but didnt think I "over cooked" it, but in this girl's eyes, I may have...Oh well!! I tried to be loving and comforting, it just was not received....Can't win em all
hotrod said
Sep 19, 2017
(((Rose))) i too have learned to stop looking for acceptance from the hardware . I take time to review my actions, as you have done and if I have made amends and they are not received ,I can move forward with dignity-- letting go of the past, Good program work my dear
mamalioness said
Sep 19, 2017
(((((((((((((Betty)))))))))))))) thank you...I really love her mom, but this kid?? I did my best...I just wrote her a "quicky" saying that "yea, I may have tried to hard with you because ALL I have left of my sister, my family is in CA and I am here in TX..." i told her she and her mom and Jane's relatives are ALL the family I got left.....I didn't tell her, but I consulted others and they think I DIDNT over do it, but I may, in her eyes, have tried to hard...whatever, it was all from a well meaning heart, and I love what you say about "move forward with dignity" that comforts me...and I did try to make amends with her....so yea, I can "move forward with dignity" and yep...."letting go of the past"............thank you , my dear friend and recovery mate....i'm sad, but I do feel better......
-- Edited by mamalioness on Tuesday 19th of September 2017 03:00:11 PM
mamalioness said
Sep 19, 2017
I texted her mom whom I am close to and WITHOUT a hint of triangulating ( I know the daughter will bad mouth me to her, because thats her MO) I just told her mom that her daughter and I just were not compatible and that I was detaching for now, I tried my best, intentions were good, but the seed didn't take root....I kept it simple, basic, NO DETAILS, and I moved on from the text....short, simple, fair and kind.....this is her baby we are talking about...out of respect for mom, I kept it REAL cool...I am a work in progress...I see where maybe i tried too hard with her because I am so lonely here, w/out any family....gonna hunker down with me and HP and see what I do about that!!! move?? stay??? make it work here?? find another state to live in??? but check my motives...and first look within me...I don't want to move closer to them and find out that all I had to do was to change from within and draw love and friendship to me here....When I got into recovery, I basically backed off from most "out of recovery" people because I was so sick..so desperatly needing the program/help..now that I am healthy enough to be in healthy relationships that are a blessing, I need to check in with me/HP and SEE and put out loving energy , being careful, taking it slow and easy as I am an introvert and just try and follow the prompts.......where do I go from here???? I guess I will find out where/what/how when it is time......
Mattie said
Sep 19, 2017
It sounds like there are a lot of emotions running high here and maybe some accidental expectations. I know when I've lost someone, everyone around seemed to be very emotionally heightened and it was not a good time for interactions or decisions. It sounds like your grandniece was trying to set some boundaries but you saw a greater need than she did to "draw together." I'm sorry it all went badly. I guess "When It Doubt, Don't" applies to us all.
mamalioness said
Sep 20, 2017
Yes, the majority of us agreed with me that we needed to draw together and exchange loving support for each other. And she is doing that with the ones that she wants but not me. So I had to just accept this reality that with others she wants to do that but not with me. So I packed up my toys and I left her sandbox. It is OK. I am OK with this. As I would rather live in the truth and not in my fantasizing about a familial relationship that is not there thank you for your very wise and spot on input
mamalioness said
Sep 20, 2017
I texted mom and she is FINE with me re: having to detach from her daughter...got a nice text from her this am wanting my esh on something and she was real sweet......I had kept my text REAL brief and NEVER did I bad mouth her daughter, I just kept it kind and brief and she seems to be fine....she isn't asking me any ???s and I am not offering up any info...some things are just better not said...IF she asks me what happened, I will tell her the basics, keeping the focus on me and where I am at and leave it at that.........phew!! I was worried she might be angry at me for dumping her daughter off my facebook and cutting her loose, but it had to be done AND if daughter wants to "talk things out with me and BE NICE????" I will gladly open the door......
I have this grand niece, daughter of one of my nieces and she refuses to give me her phone number so I pm her on face book, trying, offering I should say my love and support and how we need to "draw together" and share our grief /support, etc., being as how we ALL lost someone very special and huge in our lives....
PM's are waaaay longer to read then a phone call where you can articulate and trade emotions and things can SO easily get taken out of context...
she first implies in a pm that "no one is gonna take grammas place and they best not try" so i write back asking "where is THAT coming from??? whose trying to take her place??? not me!!! I have my OWN place in life, trying to replace another implies I don't accept me...and I accept me....
and of course this takes a bit of typing to convey because I want her to understand that I am just trying to offer support AND receive support as we ALL lost her...I lost my ONLY sister.....so we are ALL hurting
then she writes me back denying what she said...said she has NOT the luxury of reading my "long posts every 5 minutes" and that I was "manic" and she is thinking of boundaries
Well, I write back and I say that since she refuses to give me her number, I am typing and I agree..its insane communicating like this...she has time to call others, to visit others, etc., but NO time to talk with me..."OK, I get it.." so I am doing the best i can to communicate...I also remind her about working another's inventory and I also said that I was out of the people pleasing business and when I see that everything I do is questioned or critiqued or otherwise does not give the other person a happy feeling being around me, I LOVINGLY DETACH which is what I am going to do right now....I told her "no worries about any more long pm's from me, I get the hint, I will pray for her but I'm putting some distance
then I unfriended her because if I am brutally honest, I DON"T LIKE this girl who is mean to her mother and uses the threat of denying her mom her grandkids if she doesn't walk on cracked egg shells with this B*^ch!!!!!
anyway, I cut her loose....I was kind, honest, i was, but I was also firm in that I am not walking on cracked egg shells for ANYONE and I will NEVER put myself where, clearly I am NOT wanted....I said God bless to her..I would pray for her continued recovery, but we , sadly, must just agree to disagree and leave it at that...
its sad!! but ya know??? I am not putting myself in front of a rabid dog, so why would I put my hand near her mouth...She has made it clear that I am at best a DNA relative she has, "like it or not" but doesn't want me and so I ACCEPT....
the old nothing changes if nothing changes is true and the changes I made are with ME, about ME and I LOOK at the situation and the person's treatment of me and I don't "gloss it over" with denying mesages like "oh she is just grieving" so am I...so are her AUNTS....so is her MOM....but I don't see them being snidly cruel to ANYONE!!!
Anyway, i texted her mom and told her in confidence that her daughter and I were not compatible and "don't say anything to her" but we are just not compatible and that I wlll pray for her but I'm outta there....
My sister has mentioned that she was "difficult" she didn't say anything about a hissing little Komodo Dragon
(((((((((((((Betty)))))))))))))) thank you...I really love her mom, but this kid?? I did my best...I just wrote her a "quicky" saying that "yea, I may have tried to hard with you because ALL I have left of my sister, my family is in CA and I am here in TX..." i told her she and her mom and Jane's relatives are ALL the family I got left.....I didn't tell her, but I consulted others and they think I DIDNT over do it, but I may, in her eyes, have tried to hard...whatever, it was all from a well meaning heart, and I love what you say about "move forward with dignity" that comforts me...and I did try to make amends with her....so yea, I can "move forward with dignity" and yep...."letting go of the past"............thank you , my dear friend and recovery mate....i'm sad, but I do feel better......
-- Edited by mamalioness on Tuesday 19th of September 2017 03:00:11 PM
It sounds like there are a lot of emotions running high here and maybe some accidental expectations. I know when I've lost someone, everyone around seemed to be very emotionally heightened and it was not a good time for interactions or decisions. It sounds like your grandniece was trying to set some boundaries but you saw a greater need than she did to "draw together." I'm sorry it all went badly. I guess "When It Doubt, Don't" applies to us all.