Hi everyone...I'm brand new to this so please bare with me. I'm not sure where to start, so I guess the beginning is the place?
My ex boyfriend got in touch with me a few weeks ago from rehab. We have a complicated history, as I'm sure most do with addicts. Basically, years ago, while he was completing rehab the last time, I moved across the country. It wasn't because of that, but it certainly helped. While separated by thousands of miles we always remained in close contact. I had new relationships, as I'm sure he did, but the feelings never went away for either of us. I also always knew when I was hearing from him regularly, things were good. When I wasn't hearing from him, they weren't.
A couple months ago he disappeared. Not responding to any calls or texts. I assumed either drugs or a new relationship. I actually leaned toward a relationship because he tends to completely cut me out when that happens, plus he had recently been saying how great work, etc. was going. After multiple attempts, I stopped and resolved what will be will be.
About 2 months after my final attempt, he contacted me...a stupid bs text of no substance. I of course prodded what was going on, and he told me he was in rehab. He continued to be in contact throughout the duration of his time and said he was feeling pretty good, and hopeful, that he could do or go anywhere 'even (insert where I live).' Everyone once in awhile over the last month of being in touch I think he catches himself getting too far ahead of himself emotionally with me so pulls back. I get it...one minute at a time right now is all he feels safe with and he most definitely can't be in a relationship.
He has since left rehab and has been in a halfway house, seems to be adjusting well, and we've continued regularly been in touch. I never stopped loving him, and it's great to have him clear headed and honest. I, of course, have my own upsets about things over the years. He has said when the time is right to address the wake of his disaster with everyone, he will. He has said I am the only person, besides his parents, from pre-rehab he has spoken to--that he always knew I'd forgive him and he'd at least have a friend. I can't help but feel like he takes me for granted, always thinks I'll be there, and that when he has to address his past errors everything is fine with me. I have told him this, and that this is the last time he gets to disappear like that again. He can do whatever he wants with his life, but if he does that again I'm not there anymore.
Here's my problem...now I've gone the last two days without hearing from him (I had been daily) and I automatically assume the worst...that he's in some drug den and that's that. I haven't reached out, I don't want to be overbearing and I want to respect whatever his process is. I also rationally know I need to not be wrapped up in it all, but certainly am feeling like I'm emotionally getting that way, which is why I'm here.
How do I balance being a supportive 'friend' when the emotions on both ends are not just as friends and be there without feeling like when he's absent that something has hap Thank you advance for reading and welcoming me.
SerenityRUS said
Sep 18, 2017
Hugs and welcome,
I would so encourage you to go to an alanon meeting or try one here online because it will help put things into perspective. I once heard here I believe, .. that if nothing changed from this point forward and maybe things got worse even could you love the addict/alcoholic right where they were at and be ok with that .. meaning .. you aren't going to change them, you aren't going to fix them and in 5 years everything stayed the way it is right now .. are you ok with that and can you be healthy in an active relationship? I think that going to meetings hearing what people have been through and accepting the reality of what living with an active addict can be like is a great place to start .. because this is not a one shot deal .. this is a lifetime deal. Addiction is like cancer in terms of recovery .. yes .. it can go into remission there is always the possibility for a relapse. Recovery for some is not a straight line. Being supportive I think can mean two things continuing to do what you are doing which sounds healthy letting him do what he's doing and loving him where he is at, it is also loving someone from a distance. The recovery world recommends no major changes in relationships (there are exceptions of course) until there is sobriety for 18 months .. biggest reason is and I'm going to throw out my opinion .. relationships are distractions. Recovery has to come first and foremost .. again .. recovery is not a straight line for everyone.
Keep coming back and I hope you figure out what works for you.
Hugs S :)
Jerry F said
Sep 18, 2017
Aloha Nicoletta and welcome to the board. There is much support here with the value being in how to use it. With some exceptions we have been where you are at now with much the same consequences, wishes and desires with so many of us finding the doors to the Al-Anon Family Groups which is world wide and in almost every major area on the planet. Alcoholism is a disease and not a moral issue which cannot ever be cured; only arrested by total abstinence. Your boy friend may or may not be there at the moment and since the disease is a fatal one accepting the worse isn't out of the picture. God the insane thoughts, feelings and actions I went thru with my alcoholic addict wife cause emotional and mental and spiritual tremors that earthquakes couldn't match. This is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which can never be cured, only arrested by total abstinence and is progressive in that if it is not arrested it will only get worse which is what you and he are experiencing now. Sorry for you both with prayers being sent for you both also.
We don't give advise. We share experience strength and hope with each other and in that way support each others recovery from within this disease. You're in the family now and many suggestions will come from the members of the MIP family. If you follow up on the suggestions you life will change and you will experience miracles...If you do not follow up or do anything different it will only get worse and for me it go so bad I couldn't imagine that even hell was that bad.
Keep coming back. There are twice daily on line meetings here which are shown on the face page. You can scroll back in time to read shares from within the fellowship that are valuable. Welcome to the family (((((hugs)))))
Nicoletta said
Sep 18, 2017
Thank you so much, Serenity and Jerry, for the words and support. I will absolutely check out the meetings in here! Thank you
Iamhere said
Sep 18, 2017
I too send warm welcomes to you Nicoletta - glad you found us and so glad that you joined right in and shared. I too suggest attending some Al-Anon meetings. It helped me heal/deal with the affects of this disease and gave me a new way to approach life, love and most importantly me!
The disease is called a family disease as it reaches beyond the drinker and touches us all in different ways. Most of us arrive with confusion, anger, low self-esteem and some level of distorted thinking. The program helps us put things into perspective and we use tools, literature, each other and the steps to move forward.
I am glad you are here and hope you keep coming back! There is always hope and help in recovery!
milkwood said
Sep 19, 2017
Learning how to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop has been a ridiculously difficult lesson for me. I can remember a time when I always felt optimistic but one of the side effects of living with an alcoholic has been a growing expectation that the worst is just around the corner and that creates anxiety in me. Going to Al Anon has helped me to recognise myself again and led me to the common sense realisation that I matter too!!
It really is a roller-coaster ride and I'm sorry that you are experiencing this in your life. For me I came to the conclusion that I would treat my husband the same way that I would any other good friend - my expectations were about how I wanted to live and I learnt not to comprise or use alcohol as an excuse for difficult behaviour any more. (((((Hugs)))))
el-cee said
Sep 19, 2017
I recognise that addictive relationship so well. The whole giving a little then withdrawing. That is very very addictive for us and active alcoholics are great at that game. They are experts at it. It sounds like you are an addict, just the same as he is, addicted to the drama, uncertainty etc. I was too. Its a miserable exciting life and when you've had enough of it why not get yourself your own recovery program. I got alanon and got clarity, awareness and understanding of what was really going on rather than the little fantasy story I had made up and lived for many years. Freedom is available, I got it and many here got it. Look up local meetings and get free if you want it.
Maresie25 said
Sep 19, 2017
i have been there and done that with the rehab dance. I think that is a very demanding difficult road to tread. Of course it also plays into my over responsibility issues.
The unavailability of an alcoholic also plays in really well to my abandonment issues. Then there is the issue of that I had given so much to a relationship, so much time, energy and sheer devotion it seemed veyr difficult to give up or set limits.
Boundary issues are and can be very very difficult for me. I have to work daily on setting boundaries about now getting pulled into enmeshed relationships on so many levels.
One way I do that is to keep a journal and look at my feelings after I am with someone. I also look to give myself a lot more space and time and self forgiveness.
For me I have had to look long and hard that a 'relationship' of any kind is a two way issue. If I am not getting too much out of it but grief, chaos and confusion that is a red flag, not a mission call to go deeper and invest more.
I can also really reassure you that knowing what I do about rehab, about people being in a semi locked up situation where they are with each other all day, every day, there are a lot of relationships involved. They might be companionship based but they are relationships. If your "ex" is in rehab he is far from alone, he has counselors, as well as people with him pretty much most of the day. They certainly discuss recovery if nothing else.
What I found was that in the rehab mode I was supposed to "switch on and off". One minute being summoned to deliver clothes, toiletries, whatever literally on cue. The next I was completely "shut out" as part of the therapeutic milieu. Indeed getting in touch with anyone in rehab is a difficult mode because they have very limited communication. I do not do well with that sitting by the telephone stuff. I know it plays right into my abandonment issues. So I found it made me very very anxious and conflicted. Some of this "rehab' mode is the nature of the process. On another level some of it is the alcoholic because so many of them have been to more than one rehab. They are far more comfortable with it than they appear to be. That being said my expectations around rehab were completely off the hook. Indeed, daily I have to check my expectations in many of my relationships. They can be over the moon if I do not address them!!!
Detaching from that kind of "intensity" is a real tall order. Nevertheless I know it is possible. Boundary work is very very difficult because it is so much trial and error. One has to stumble a lot to settle on ways that work. For me so much of the time, it was so much easier to just go back to total enmeshment. Enmeshment, having no boundaries, felt normal to me. Putting boundaries in place felt very very alien.
I know you can get a lot of support in al anon.
Maresie
Nicoletta said
Sep 19, 2017
Milkwood, yes! Waiting for the other shoe to drop is a constant. The careful dance between hopeful and not having hopes too high. Ugh so true. Thank you.
Nicoletta said
Sep 19, 2017
El-cee, that's exactly how it feels. The constant back and forth. As someone else said, that in itself can be addictive. I need to address that within myself. Thank you for your words.
Nicoletta said
Sep 19, 2017
Maresie,
Thank you so much for your words. I relate so much to them. I too have abandonment issues from early childhood, which he's aware of. I have worked very hard over the years to manage them. I also am definitely a fearful preoccupied attachment type, which also I'm sure is what draws me to this. It's helpful to have found this group and I so appreciate everyone's kind and supportive ways.
Hi everyone...I'm brand new to this so please bare with me. I'm not sure where to start, so I guess the beginning is the place?
My ex boyfriend got in touch with me a few weeks ago from rehab. We have a complicated history, as I'm sure most do with addicts. Basically, years ago, while he was completing rehab the last time, I moved across the country. It wasn't because of that, but it certainly helped. While separated by thousands of miles we always remained in close contact. I had new relationships, as I'm sure he did, but the feelings never went away for either of us. I also always knew when I was hearing from him regularly, things were good. When I wasn't hearing from him, they weren't.
A couple months ago he disappeared. Not responding to any calls or texts. I assumed either drugs or a new relationship. I actually leaned toward a relationship because he tends to completely cut me out when that happens, plus he had recently been saying how great work, etc. was going. After multiple attempts, I stopped and resolved what will be will be.
About 2 months after my final attempt, he contacted me...a stupid bs text of no substance. I of course prodded what was going on, and he told me he was in rehab. He continued to be in contact throughout the duration of his time and said he was feeling pretty good, and hopeful, that he could do or go anywhere 'even (insert where I live).' Everyone once in awhile over the last month of being in touch I think he catches himself getting too far ahead of himself emotionally with me so pulls back. I get it...one minute at a time right now is all he feels safe with and he most definitely can't be in a relationship.
He has since left rehab and has been in a halfway house, seems to be adjusting well, and we've continued regularly been in touch. I never stopped loving him, and it's great to have him clear headed and honest. I, of course, have my own upsets about things over the years. He has said when the time is right to address the wake of his disaster with everyone, he will. He has said I am the only person, besides his parents, from pre-rehab he has spoken to--that he always knew I'd forgive him and he'd at least have a friend. I can't help but feel like he takes me for granted, always thinks I'll be there, and that when he has to address his past errors everything is fine with me. I have told him this, and that this is the last time he gets to disappear like that again. He can do whatever he wants with his life, but if he does that again I'm not there anymore.
Here's my problem...now I've gone the last two days without hearing from him (I had been daily) and I automatically assume the worst...that he's in some drug den and that's that. I haven't reached out, I don't want to be overbearing and I want to respect whatever his process is. I also rationally know I need to not be wrapped up in it all, but certainly am feeling like I'm emotionally getting that way, which is why I'm here.
How do I balance being a supportive 'friend' when the emotions on both ends are not just as friends and be there without feeling like when he's absent that something has hap Thank you advance for reading and welcoming me.
I would so encourage you to go to an alanon meeting or try one here online because it will help put things into perspective. I once heard here I believe, .. that if nothing changed from this point forward and maybe things got worse even could you love the addict/alcoholic right where they were at and be ok with that .. meaning .. you aren't going to change them, you aren't going to fix them and in 5 years everything stayed the way it is right now .. are you ok with that and can you be healthy in an active relationship? I think that going to meetings hearing what people have been through and accepting the reality of what living with an active addict can be like is a great place to start .. because this is not a one shot deal .. this is a lifetime deal. Addiction is like cancer in terms of recovery .. yes .. it can go into remission there is always the possibility for a relapse. Recovery for some is not a straight line. Being supportive I think can mean two things continuing to do what you are doing which sounds healthy letting him do what he's doing and loving him where he is at, it is also loving someone from a distance. The recovery world recommends no major changes in relationships (there are exceptions of course) until there is sobriety for 18 months .. biggest reason is and I'm going to throw out my opinion .. relationships are distractions. Recovery has to come first and foremost .. again .. recovery is not a straight line for everyone.
Keep coming back and I hope you figure out what works for you.
Hugs S :)
Aloha Nicoletta and welcome to the board. There is much support here with the value being in how to use it. With some exceptions we have been where you are at now with much the same consequences, wishes and desires with so many of us finding the doors to the Al-Anon Family Groups which is world wide and in almost every major area on the planet. Alcoholism is a disease and not a moral issue which cannot ever be cured; only arrested by total abstinence. Your boy friend may or may not be there at the moment and since the disease is a fatal one accepting the worse isn't out of the picture. God the insane thoughts, feelings and actions I went thru with my alcoholic addict wife cause emotional and mental and spiritual tremors that earthquakes couldn't match. This is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions which can never be cured, only arrested by total abstinence and is progressive in that if it is not arrested it will only get worse which is what you and he are experiencing now. Sorry for you both with prayers being sent for you both also.
We don't give advise. We share experience strength and hope with each other and in that way support each others recovery from within this disease. You're in the family now and many suggestions will come from the members of the MIP family. If you follow up on the suggestions you life will change and you will experience miracles...If you do not follow up or do anything different it will only get worse and for me it go so bad I couldn't imagine that even hell was that bad.
Keep coming back. There are twice daily on line meetings here which are shown on the face page. You can scroll back in time to read shares from within the fellowship that are valuable. Welcome to the family (((((hugs)))))
The disease is called a family disease as it reaches beyond the drinker and touches us all in different ways. Most of us arrive with confusion, anger, low self-esteem and some level of distorted thinking. The program helps us put things into perspective and we use tools, literature, each other and the steps to move forward.
I am glad you are here and hope you keep coming back! There is always hope and help in recovery!
It really is a roller-coaster ride and I'm sorry that you are experiencing this in your life. For me I came to the conclusion that I would treat my husband the same way that I would any other good friend - my expectations were about how I wanted to live and I learnt not to comprise or use alcohol as an excuse for difficult behaviour any more. (((((Hugs)))))
I recognise that addictive relationship so well. The whole giving a little then withdrawing. That is very very addictive for us and active alcoholics are great at that game. They are experts at it. It sounds like you are an addict, just the same as he is, addicted to the drama, uncertainty etc. I was too. Its a miserable exciting life and when you've had enough of it why not get yourself your own recovery program. I got alanon and got clarity, awareness and understanding of what was really going on rather than the little fantasy story I had made up and lived for many years. Freedom is available, I got it and many here got it. Look up local meetings and get free if you want it.
i have been there and done that with the rehab dance. I think that is a very demanding difficult road to tread. Of course it also plays into my over responsibility issues.
The unavailability of an alcoholic also plays in really well to my abandonment issues. Then there is the issue of that I had given so much to a relationship, so much time, energy and sheer devotion it seemed veyr difficult to give up or set limits.
Boundary issues are and can be very very difficult for me. I have to work daily on setting boundaries about now getting pulled into enmeshed relationships on so many levels.
One way I do that is to keep a journal and look at my feelings after I am with someone. I also look to give myself a lot more space and time and self forgiveness.
For me I have had to look long and hard that a 'relationship' of any kind is a two way issue. If I am not getting too much out of it but grief, chaos and confusion that is a red flag, not a mission call to go deeper and invest more.
I can also really reassure you that knowing what I do about rehab, about people being in a semi locked up situation where they are with each other all day, every day, there are a lot of relationships involved. They might be companionship based but they are relationships. If your "ex" is in rehab he is far from alone, he has counselors, as well as people with him pretty much most of the day. They certainly discuss recovery if nothing else.
What I found was that in the rehab mode I was supposed to "switch on and off". One minute being summoned to deliver clothes, toiletries, whatever literally on cue. The next I was completely "shut out" as part of the therapeutic milieu. Indeed getting in touch with anyone in rehab is a difficult mode because they have very limited communication. I do not do well with that sitting by the telephone stuff. I know it plays right into my abandonment issues. So I found it made me very very anxious and conflicted. Some of this "rehab' mode is the nature of the process. On another level some of it is the alcoholic because so many of them have been to more than one rehab. They are far more comfortable with it than they appear to be. That being said my expectations around rehab were completely off the hook. Indeed, daily I have to check my expectations in many of my relationships. They can be over the moon if I do not address them!!!
Detaching from that kind of "intensity" is a real tall order. Nevertheless I know it is possible. Boundary work is very very difficult because it is so much trial and error. One has to stumble a lot to settle on ways that work. For me so much of the time, it was so much easier to just go back to total enmeshment. Enmeshment, having no boundaries, felt normal to me. Putting boundaries in place felt very very alien.
I know you can get a lot of support in al anon.
Maresie