finding its not hard 2 want 2 stay sober but its hard watching him literally kill himself. what kicked my ass into sobriety was the second time he ended up in the hospital with delirium tenebrous. 7\14\2017 was the last drink 4me. had my first aa meeting the very next day. not sure how 2 move forward with him. thought his mom had gotten thru. thought him seeing me do this & LOVING it would help. came home 2 him drunk the day I got my 2month chip. some say get out. leave. others say stay, help him. be an example. one really good friend told me its gr8 2 see the ppl u love get sober but its really hard 2 watch them slip & 2 really think about whats best 4 me & 4 my sobriety & do I see myself in this relationship if he wont stay sober. I feel lost. I see women @ aa who talk about their drunk husbands of years & years & I don't want that.
mamalioness said
Sep 17, 2017
welcome totsicle....so glad you decided to get sober and get into AA AND here..Al-anon welcomes you too, as many recovering Alcholics are here in Al-anon and I think the ones with the greatest chances of staying sober ARE the ones who attend Al-anon...My beloved daughter is a recovering cocaine/Meth addict....well over 5 years clean and SHE goes to Al-anon and works the program because her dad is a recovering alcoholic so we are all together in this, all trying to stay either physically sober or emotionally sober like me.....so sorry your ABF got the DT's..heard they are BAAAD..Hopefully it will scare him into recovery...but YOU can only help YOU...Al-anon will help you to keep the focus on you and your program...I am so glad you stepped up for you and reached out for help....I would go to as many meets as there are days (we have them online here) and I would get a sponsor to help me through the 12 steps as i make them my constant life companions....I know it sounds like a lot, but the AA meets and its "older folks" there who are more experienced will help and guide you....I've gone to open AA meets to better understand the alcoholic and really, I was impressed by the loving no bulls*** way they treat their program...total honesty and humility seemed to be the focus.....and I see you got your 2month chip....GOOD ON YOU....you have to decide whether to leave or stay...ASk yourself "where do I want to be in 6 months?? a year?? 5 years????" as to helping him, I would think that you have all you can do to help you..Oh yea, be supportive if he indicates he wants to sober up and recover, but really...the 3 C's....you didn't cause his disease....you will never control his actions...and you will never ever cure him....HE has to do it...and yes.....I would ask me "what is gonna keep me sober??? what is the best thing for me?????" SELF preservation caused me to leave...it was the best thing for me......
I can't tell you, noone can tell you what to do, re: leaving/staying with him....but AS you work your program and get deep into self discovery and self love, your inner Higher Power will guide you as to what is the best route to take....the most important thing in the whole world, is your LIFE!! and we are talking about your LIFE....I am so happy for you that you got driven to get help....his illness (the DT's) scared you enough for you to get help....Maybe your Higher Power was nudging you that "the time is here" to save yourself....and yes, its hard..real hard to watch them slowly kill themselves...I have a brother who is my buddy, drinking himself slowly to the grave, but I cannot help him...I can only love him, but at a distance, because I just don't want to be around substance abuse or toxic behavior because it hinders MY progress and MY recovery....I just won't be around it...its too much overload for me......You will know when you've settled in your program.....I am reading your last sentence "I see women @ AA who talk about their drunk husbands of years and years and I don't want that'" That kinda says it to me...You already know where you want to be at in a year and beyond....I applaud you for your honesty and bravery and sincere effort to get help.........sending you support energy BIG TIME....Please do come back...We are here..We are listening.....
hotrod said
Sep 17, 2017
Welcome Totsicle Congrats. on your 2 months sobriety. As you are aware alcoholism is a chronic , progressive, disease over which we are powerless. Living with this disease, many of us found that we needed a program of recovery of our own because of the negative tools we developed in dealing with the insanity of the disease. i found support in the rooms of alanon invaluable to my learning how to live life with courage, serneiy and wisdom.
Please do search out face to face meetings in your community and attend. There is hope
Iamhere said
Sep 17, 2017
Welcome to MIP totcycle - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in and shared. Congrats. on your sobriety!!!! I applaud you, your sober time and your courage to change.
I am a double winner, meaning qualify and work both programs - AA & Al-Anon. I came into AA first and arrived at Al-Anon many years later. For me, AA helped me deal/heal with my addiction to alcohol/mind altering substances. Al-Anon helps me deal/heal with my addiction to another with an alcohol issue. I make that distinction because i was darn confused when my AA sponsor suggested Al-Anon. I knew both worked the 12 steps and obsessed over how to find my way in another program. So - to keep it simple in my mind, AA is for me to stay sober and Al-Anon is for me to stay serene in the face of chaos/drama that this disease can bring beyond the drinking person.
I will say that when I arrived at AA, I was told that I must place my sobriety above all us - it was life/death as we are told, "To drink is to die." I truly thought that was a bit dramatic then, yet I now know it's true. I may not die today if I drink yet it and all that it brings with it will kill me faster than sobriety. Having said this, I would not have been able to stay sober and find some 'normal' without mind altering substances without a sponsor and working the steps. AA members give a bit more advice than Al-Anon and it can be confusing when you are new. I encourage you to find a sponsor so you are bouncing issues, questions, etc. off one person and getting ESH there + in meetings.
Al-Anon is a bit different as living with an alcoholic can be maddening and more often than not, we arrive hurt, angry, stressed, anxious and rarely, if ever heard or validated. Al-Anon has a very gentle approach where we only share ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) and allow each person to find their path/journey. We work the steps also, and we also use a sponsor.
I will offer that both program suggest no major changes for 6-12 months. Of course, this is a suggestion only for one to gain some sanity and self-knowledge before making major life changes. Only you can determine your ability to recover and move forward while having someone with this disease living with you. It's never easy to watch someone you care about be active in this disease. I do believe that if you keep leaning into your recovery, the answers will come!! Both programs have provided recovery, solutions and support to countless people who want it - so keep doing what is suggested and trust the program/process.
I hope you keep coming back - you are not alone and it works when we work it!
Jerry F said
Sep 17, 2017
Aloha Totcicle and welcome again to the MIP fellowship. It is good to have your here with your experience and courage getting in and staying sober for the 2 months you already have. It is often said that the program talks easy and works hard and that is my experience. I am also a double participating in both programs the number of us that are doing that grows every day. I have met with two like us in the last two days who want to know the Al-Anon program in order to abstain from supporting another persons drinking and addiction. You are right focused in wanting to learn how to help without causing more damage with spouses, friends and family often do with all the best intentions in mind. I won't drag on because there are more members coming up behind to share their ESH with you along with best wishes and prayers. Keep coming back because this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
a4l said
Sep 20, 2017
Welcome Totsicle. Im a double as well, and reckon you are on to something in putting your own sobriety first. Having said that, for me I found these programmes are two wings of the same bird and are great together. Keep coming back.
mamalioness said
Sep 20, 2017
you know, I reeeeely respect the alcoholics who do Al-anon as well....THOSE are the ones whom I believe will make it and shine like the stars that HP intended for them to be.....Just wanted to say that.....I give my 10000% support to all of you....Thank you for wanting to know the other wing of that bird a41 described.......
finding its not hard 2 want 2 stay sober but its hard watching him literally kill himself. what kicked my ass into sobriety was the second time he ended up in the hospital with delirium tenebrous. 7\14\2017 was the last drink 4me. had my first aa meeting the very next day. not sure how 2 move forward with him. thought his mom had gotten thru. thought him seeing me do this & LOVING it would help. came home 2 him drunk the day I got my 2month chip. some say get out. leave. others say stay, help him. be an example. one really good friend told me its gr8 2 see the ppl u love get sober but its really hard 2 watch them slip & 2 really think about whats best 4 me & 4 my sobriety & do I see myself in this relationship if he wont stay sober. I feel lost. I see women @ aa who talk about their drunk husbands of years & years & I don't want that.
I can't tell you, noone can tell you what to do, re: leaving/staying with him....but AS you work your program and get deep into self discovery and self love, your inner Higher Power will guide you as to what is the best route to take....the most important thing in the whole world, is your LIFE!! and we are talking about your LIFE....I am so happy for you that you got driven to get help....his illness (the DT's) scared you enough for you to get help....Maybe your Higher Power was nudging you that "the time is here" to save yourself....and yes, its hard..real hard to watch them slowly kill themselves...I have a brother who is my buddy, drinking himself slowly to the grave, but I cannot help him...I can only love him, but at a distance, because I just don't want to be around substance abuse or toxic behavior because it hinders MY progress and MY recovery....I just won't be around it...its too much overload for me......You will know when you've settled in your program.....I am reading your last sentence "I see women @ AA who talk about their drunk husbands of years and years and I don't want that'" That kinda says it to me...You already know where you want to be at in a year and beyond....I applaud you for your honesty and bravery and sincere effort to get help.........sending you support energy BIG TIME....Please do come back...We are here..We are listening.....
Welcome Totsicle Congrats. on your 2 months sobriety. As you are aware alcoholism is a chronic , progressive, disease over which we are powerless. Living with this disease, many of us found that we needed a program of recovery of our own because of the negative tools we developed in dealing with the insanity of the disease. i found support in the rooms of alanon invaluable to my learning how to live life with courage, serneiy and wisdom.
Please do search out face to face meetings in your community and attend. There is hope
I am a double winner, meaning qualify and work both programs - AA & Al-Anon. I came into AA first and arrived at Al-Anon many years later. For me, AA helped me deal/heal with my addiction to alcohol/mind altering substances. Al-Anon helps me deal/heal with my addiction to another with an alcohol issue. I make that distinction because i was darn confused when my AA sponsor suggested Al-Anon. I knew both worked the 12 steps and obsessed over how to find my way in another program. So - to keep it simple in my mind, AA is for me to stay sober and Al-Anon is for me to stay serene in the face of chaos/drama that this disease can bring beyond the drinking person.
I will say that when I arrived at AA, I was told that I must place my sobriety above all us - it was life/death as we are told, "To drink is to die." I truly thought that was a bit dramatic then, yet I now know it's true. I may not die today if I drink yet it and all that it brings with it will kill me faster than sobriety. Having said this, I would not have been able to stay sober and find some 'normal' without mind altering substances without a sponsor and working the steps. AA members give a bit more advice than Al-Anon and it can be confusing when you are new. I encourage you to find a sponsor so you are bouncing issues, questions, etc. off one person and getting ESH there + in meetings.
Al-Anon is a bit different as living with an alcoholic can be maddening and more often than not, we arrive hurt, angry, stressed, anxious and rarely, if ever heard or validated. Al-Anon has a very gentle approach where we only share ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) and allow each person to find their path/journey. We work the steps also, and we also use a sponsor.
I will offer that both program suggest no major changes for 6-12 months. Of course, this is a suggestion only for one to gain some sanity and self-knowledge before making major life changes. Only you can determine your ability to recover and move forward while having someone with this disease living with you. It's never easy to watch someone you care about be active in this disease. I do believe that if you keep leaning into your recovery, the answers will come!! Both programs have provided recovery, solutions and support to countless people who want it - so keep doing what is suggested and trust the program/process.
I hope you keep coming back - you are not alone and it works when we work it!
Aloha Totcicle and welcome again to the MIP fellowship. It is good to have your here with your experience and courage getting in and staying sober for the 2 months you already have. It is often said that the program talks easy and works hard and that is my experience. I am also a double participating in both programs the number of us that are doing that grows every day. I have met with two like us in the last two days who want to know the Al-Anon program in order to abstain from supporting another persons drinking and addiction. You are right focused in wanting to learn how to help without causing more damage with spouses, friends and family often do with all the best intentions in mind. I won't drag on because there are more members coming up behind to share their ESH with you along with best wishes and prayers. Keep coming back because this works when you work it. ((((hugs))))