This disease is maddening and heart wrenching to say the least. My darling daughter has had another slip yesterday that completely caught me off guard. She is currently at home with us as was coming back for a family celebration anyways. She has had a tremendous amount of relationship stress the last few months and she is worn down. I have been trying to mind my own business and just offer my loving support and allow her to make her own decisions about it. She had started back to counselling a couple of weeks ago on her own volition and talking with her support network/sponsor. It happened anyways a couple of hours before she was to board the plane, she linked up with some friends who are in relapse right now. She did pull herself out of the situation and admitted to us and her sponsor what had happened. I collected her last night from the airport. She is not In a very good emotional space, and is simply overwhelmed. I am doing my best to not over react even though I am terrified. I was honest about the impact this has on us and her brother. She began to sob, but I said what I had to say with love. She needs to know that this affects us to. I am not trying to add to her guilt in anyway but the reality is that this hurts. I have never seen her this sad and low in mood. We cannot have her come home again to live here as it just about killed me. She knows that, and said she is not happy anywhere, not at home around family, and not far way where her support system is. She questions why she has an addiction and cant keep it together. Dismissing all of the successes she has had the past year. The relationship with her boyfriend is not a healthy one but she is hanging onto it anyways. He is a lovely person at times but has a lot of issues as well and they are just not good together.
I am trying to keep present in today and not start catastrophizing about the future. I am going to try to go to a meeting tonight and I will invite her to go to the AA meeting next door at the same time. I know that I need to step back and let her figure out her life. I have talked to her about the possibility that she is experiencing a depression due to prolonged stress and I suggested that she see a doctor while she is here. I worked many years in mental health and though I am not a big fan of any medications sometimes it is necessary for a short period of time. The decision will be hers. Please add my girl to your prayers today. She is hurting. Thank you for listening.
MizzB said
Sep 17, 2017
Serenity - hugs. Will be praying for your daughter and for you too. Stay strong xx
Lyne said
Sep 17, 2017
Hi Serenity~I feel for your situation and am wishing you the best possible outcome. I think when things are screwed up with my son, it is more painful to me than with my A. That parental bond is so strong in me and it sounds like with you too. Thank God you are in program and have tools and people to help. I can't imagine you being alone with all of this pain and uncertainty. Yes ODAT is a help and it sounds like you have your head on straight in spite of your pain. Keep on keeping on, Lyne
MeTwo2 said
Sep 17, 2017
I know for me many times I could be surrounded by many others and would still be unhappy .. (feel empty inside me) .. I grew up for years thinking someone or .. something ..else out 'there somewhere had to fill me up on the inside .. times I parallel the alcoholics in my own life -- metaphorically speaking .. but today I'm grateful to be slowly recognizing I'll keep being unhappy until I first work on mending my hp relationship .. by first simply admitting what's going on inside my mind and heart .. (process not event) ..
glad you are getting back and hope she decides to try aa .. drawing strength (serenity; happiness In time) from the fellowship .. agree with the parental bonds being so strong .. it's where I'm probably the 'most 'emotionally invested .. good to put some eggs in the alanon basket .. I think I am finally growing a little deeper understanding of that expression .. at least a little more than I did(n't) in the past ..
wishing you much serenity ''through'' this process too .. for you both ..
Iamhere said
Sep 17, 2017
(((Serenity))) - so so sorry for the pain you are all experiencing. Relapses are very, very hard - and I agree there is an added emotional element when it's your child - one you birthed, raised, love...My hope for you, your family and your daughter is that you can all just stay present and breathe. It happens, and it's not the end of 'all' - even though it feels like it. Good on her for pulling herself out and opening up to you and sponsor. Good on you for supporting her while being aware of your own needs. It's hard and it's painful - like all other things, this too shall pass.
Tons of love, support, prayers and positive thoughts coming your way!
SerenityRUS said
Sep 18, 2017
Big hugs and sending support and positive prayers.
Hugs again, S :)
milkwood said
Sep 18, 2017
I'm sorry for your pain. You and your daughter are in my prayers.
PS . My AH told me that he learnt something new from every relapse.
mamalioness said
Sep 18, 2017
Dear Serenity47....I sooo relate to you....so sorry....there is NO pain like that of your child in the throes of addiction or ANY messed up/life threatening situation.....Sending BIG prayers for peace for you--recovery and finding herself to her......keep working on you....loving detachment is all you can do...she has to WANT to get help....REACH for it....No one can make them do it, much as we would want to drag them into rehab and AA, we can't..We have to work on ourselves..let the consequences perhaps force them into recovery...That is how it went with my daughter...I had to let her go to jail for a YEAR but it worked..she came out a different and humble adn grateful and working a STRONG program..that was over 5 years ago...she texted me last night and said that even tho at first she was mad at me for not intervening and letting her go to jail, I saved her life by my HANDS off decision....it nearly killed me to see her be incarcerated, but I had to let it be...Had to let her experience all the karma she made and hope and pray she gets help...she glommed on to all the programs they had at this GREAT jail, if thats a good word to use, but they had awesome programs....she was the biggest 12 stepper there AND sought counselling on top of it.....i mean this kid really had had enough of self inflicted pain and she was DONE.....I am so proud of her and I pray daily she stays that way....she told me last night that she was so grateful for me and my love for her and allowing her to hit bottom so she could climb back up...and she also said she never ever wants to be in that darkness again.....with the death of my sister and many other "tests" she has faced, she just kept working her program MORE, not less..Like me..she was determined to stay clean and I was determined to stay emotionally sober....so it CAN happen for you.....It CAN....never give up hope...Where there is life, there IS HOPE!!! however that said, detaching with love is the best thing you can do....LET her fall..LET her experience the consequences of her deeds and HOPEFULLY she will get sick and tired of being sick and tired and get help and STICK with it.....I feel for you...I truly feel for any mom with a kid who is an addict of any kind.....I suffered this for many years b4 my dearest got help....Thought I was gonna lose her many times...I have another beloved adopted daughter (not the one I had to cut loose but an older one) and SHE is so like me re: the Codependency and she is working her program and often we all three work steps together or a slogan...or something program related...I will toss out "topics" for them and me to discuss together and its great exercise....so yea, both my girls and working strong programs and it was NOT easy getting the other into recovery either for her CoDa, but she saw me growing and maturing and becoming healthy and she said , literally "mama I want to be like you--help me" and I got her literature, workbooks and at first I worked with her (not sure parent -child is a good thing re: working program, but I was willing to do anything to help this kid help herself) well working with me, making friends on her own to co-work the program with, she just kept improving and progressing, not w/out slips, but onward and forward and now shes got a little day care business and shes doing great....AND she knows how much I love to work the steps and slogans so she can always call me when she has an issue and I LISTEN and toss out ???s for her to ponder and she figures it out.....TODAY, THank you Creator that both my girls are working program and PROGRESS not perfection..........
So sending you BIG prayers , one mom to another for YOUR girl to want to claim life and a good life that she deserves....hang in there and NEVER give up..turn it over to your higher power 1000 times a day if needed to keep your own emotional sobriety and encourage her , love her, but allow her to learn the hard lessons that may force her into recovery , and you get your girl back.......hang in there......my heart goes out to you.......IN SUPPORT.....
tiredtonite said
Sep 18, 2017
Prayers for you and your dau during this difficult time. (((serenity47)))) Going to your meeting place together and to each of your meetings sounds like a great way to acknowledge to one another that this is a family disease and your need for loving support. TT
serenity47 said
Sep 19, 2017
Thank you everyone for your replies. I am doing my best to try and enjoy my time with her. It is very hard to witness the effect this unhealthy relationship has had on her. (not eating well, not sleeping well, nervous and on edge which is unlike her since being in recovery. I go from wanting to give him a piece of my mind to trying to mind my own business and just keep encouraging her to take care of herself and not be swallowed up by his issues. It is hard though as he is constantly texting her or phoning with some drama and she chooses to respond. She is a kind, loyal, caring person by nature but now this has turned into a co dependant relationship and I am powerless. I know I have to tread lightly or she will clam up all together and will not share anything with me the good or the bad and I want her to have my support when she needs it most. I will turn her over to her higher power and allow her to learn the lessons she needs to learn and pray for her to choose a better life situation for herself
milkwood said
Sep 19, 2017
It sounds as if you are setting a great example Serenity. I can relate to how loyalty and kindness can turn to codependency in the wrong company. As with so much in life it is a balancing act! My heart goes out to you - so difficult to see a situation and to hold back from it at the same time but how precious (for you both) to be able to show her how its done. Sending oodles of support and enjoyment and praying for protection for you both from another person's misery. ((((hugs))))
el-cee said
Sep 19, 2017
I feel for you. My son has never got sobriety but I imagine if he got into recovery I would be tempted to build my hopes up and then the slip would have an impact.
I suppose for me its about detaching from my ideas of what a Mother and son relationship should be. I mean I try hard to let him go, hes an adult and has his own life making his own choices and making his own mistakes. All of this is his and is his life just like anyone really. When I get emotional and in the 'hes my son' zone, it takes away my objectivity and I can fall easily into feeling deeply sorry for him and this is dangerous territory for me because it triggers an urge to 'do.' I want to fix, analyse, work it all out, find the answer etc basically I want to be my sons higher power. Its unhealthy for everyone so its holding on to the viewpoint of an equal adult to adult relationship.
Allowing and accepting life on lifes terms is difficult when we are so emotionally invested but when we dont accept it clouds our judgement and makes mountains of molehills. Our children are not children, the Mothering days are over for me and my son, my Mother role is damaging for my son so all I can be is loving, kind and a person with healthy boundaries.
hotrod said
Sep 19, 2017
((Serenity)) I so understand and am sending prayers for you and your family.
Iamhere said
Sep 19, 2017
(((Serenity))) - I too am sending you positive thoughts and prayers. I too understand and was so grateful for those who reminded me to be gentle and breathe. One moment, one day at a time....
This disease is maddening and heart wrenching to say the least. My darling daughter has had another slip yesterday that completely caught me off guard. She is currently at home with us as was coming back for a family celebration anyways. She has had a tremendous amount of relationship stress the last few months and she is worn down. I have been trying to mind my own business and just offer my loving support and allow her to make her own decisions about it. She had started back to counselling a couple of weeks ago on her own volition and talking with her support network/sponsor. It happened anyways a couple of hours before she was to board the plane, she linked up with some friends who are in relapse right now. She did pull herself out of the situation and admitted to us and her sponsor what had happened. I collected her last night from the airport. She is not In a very good emotional space, and is simply overwhelmed. I am doing my best to not over react even though I am terrified. I was honest about the impact this has on us and her brother. She began to sob, but I said what I had to say with love. She needs to know that this affects us to. I am not trying to add to her guilt in anyway but the reality is that this hurts. I have never seen her this sad and low in mood. We cannot have her come home again to live here as it just about killed me. She knows that, and said she is not happy anywhere, not at home around family, and not far way where her support system is. She questions why she has an addiction and cant keep it together. Dismissing all of the successes she has had the past year. The relationship with her boyfriend is not a healthy one but she is hanging onto it anyways. He is a lovely person at times but has a lot of issues as well and they are just not good together.
I am trying to keep present in today and not start catastrophizing about the future. I am going to try to go to a meeting tonight and I will invite her to go to the AA meeting next door at the same time. I know that I need to step back and let her figure out her life. I have talked to her about the possibility that she is experiencing a depression due to prolonged stress and I suggested that she see a doctor while she is here. I worked many years in mental health and though I am not a big fan of any medications sometimes it is necessary for a short period of time. The decision will be hers. Please add my girl to your prayers today. She is hurting. Thank you for listening.
glad you are getting back and hope she decides to try aa .. drawing strength (serenity; happiness In time) from the fellowship .. agree with the parental bonds being so strong .. it's where I'm probably the 'most 'emotionally invested .. good to put some eggs in the alanon basket .. I think I am finally growing a little deeper understanding of that expression .. at least a little more than I did(n't) in the past ..
wishing you much serenity ''through'' this process too .. for you both ..
Tons of love, support, prayers and positive thoughts coming your way!
Hugs again, S :)
PS . My AH told me that he learnt something new from every relapse.
Dear Serenity47....I sooo relate to you....so sorry....there is NO pain like that of your child in the throes of addiction or ANY messed up/life threatening situation.....Sending BIG prayers for peace for you--recovery and finding herself to her......keep working on you....loving detachment is all you can do...she has to WANT to get help....REACH for it....No one can make them do it, much as we would want to drag them into rehab and AA, we can't..We have to work on ourselves..let the consequences perhaps force them into recovery...That is how it went with my daughter...I had to let her go to jail for a YEAR but it worked..she came out a different and humble adn grateful and working a STRONG program..that was over 5 years ago...she texted me last night and said that even tho at first she was mad at me for not intervening and letting her go to jail, I saved her life by my HANDS off decision....it nearly killed me to see her be incarcerated, but I had to let it be...Had to let her experience all the karma she made and hope and pray she gets help...she glommed on to all the programs they had at this GREAT jail, if thats a good word to use, but they had awesome programs....she was the biggest 12 stepper there AND sought counselling on top of it.....i mean this kid really had had enough of self inflicted pain and she was DONE.....I am so proud of her and I pray daily she stays that way....she told me last night that she was so grateful for me and my love for her and allowing her to hit bottom so she could climb back up...and she also said she never ever wants to be in that darkness again.....with the death of my sister and many other "tests" she has faced, she just kept working her program MORE, not less..Like me..she was determined to stay clean and I was determined to stay emotionally sober....so it CAN happen for you.....It CAN....never give up hope...Where there is life, there IS HOPE!!! however that said, detaching with love is the best thing you can do....LET her fall..LET her experience the consequences of her deeds and HOPEFULLY she will get sick and tired of being sick and tired and get help and STICK with it.....I feel for you...I truly feel for any mom with a kid who is an addict of any kind.....I suffered this for many years b4 my dearest got help....Thought I was gonna lose her many times...I have another beloved adopted daughter (not the one I had to cut loose but an older one) and SHE is so like me re: the Codependency and she is working her program and often we all three work steps together or a slogan...or something program related...I will toss out "topics" for them and me to discuss together and its great exercise....so yea, both my girls and working strong programs and it was NOT easy getting the other into recovery either for her CoDa, but she saw me growing and maturing and becoming healthy and she said , literally "mama I want to be like you--help me" and I got her literature, workbooks and at first I worked with her (not sure parent -child is a good thing re: working program, but I was willing to do anything to help this kid help herself) well working with me, making friends on her own to co-work the program with, she just kept improving and progressing, not w/out slips, but onward and forward and now shes got a little day care business and shes doing great....AND she knows how much I love to work the steps and slogans so she can always call me when she has an issue and I LISTEN and toss out ???s for her to ponder and she figures it out.....TODAY, THank you Creator that both my girls are working program and PROGRESS not perfection..........
So sending you BIG prayers , one mom to another for YOUR girl to want to claim life and a good life that she deserves....hang in there and NEVER give up..turn it over to your higher power 1000 times a day if needed to keep your own emotional sobriety and encourage her , love her, but allow her to learn the hard lessons that may force her into recovery , and you get your girl back.......hang in there......my heart goes out to you.......IN SUPPORT.....
Prayers for you and your dau during this difficult time. (((serenity47)))) Going to your meeting place together and to each of your meetings sounds like a great way to acknowledge to one another that this is a family disease and your need for loving support. TT
I feel for you. My son has never got sobriety but I imagine if he got into recovery I would be tempted to build my hopes up and then the slip would have an impact.
I suppose for me its about detaching from my ideas of what a Mother and son relationship should be. I mean I try hard to let him go, hes an adult and has his own life making his own choices and making his own mistakes. All of this is his and is his life just like anyone really. When I get emotional and in the 'hes my son' zone, it takes away my objectivity and I can fall easily into feeling deeply sorry for him and this is dangerous territory for me because it triggers an urge to 'do.' I want to fix, analyse, work it all out, find the answer etc basically I want to be my sons higher power. Its unhealthy for everyone so its holding on to the viewpoint of an equal adult to adult relationship.
Allowing and accepting life on lifes terms is difficult when we are so emotionally invested but when we dont accept it clouds our judgement and makes mountains of molehills. Our children are not children, the Mothering days are over for me and my son, my Mother role is damaging for my son so all I can be is loving, kind and a person with healthy boundaries.