Coming here, I was not on good terms with my HP. In fact, I didn't even want to admit that I may even have an HP. I was resentful of my AH, resentful of God, and just all around mad at the world.
It took months of me first understanding the disease of alcohol (something that wasn't really accepted here, but something I had to do for myself). A small amount of time trying to get AH to "see" that he needs help and what he would be losing... LOL! That was unsuccessful! And finally, a couple months reading everyone's posts about ACCEPTANCE, DETACHING, SLOGANS. It took awhile, but I finally realized that I had hit MY bottom... regardless of what my AH was doing or not doing.
Throughout this process, I worked the Steps, but became stuck with the HP part of it all. Yes, I tried thinking of the rooms and this forum as my HP... not sure if that helped. I prayed. That just seemed fake to me. What ended up helping me was just putting the whole HP business on the back burner. Just forget that it is a "factor" of my recovery. What I found (and I am continuing to find), that little things happen, and I began to think... "Maybe this is what everyone has been talking about when they speak of 'Their Higher Power.'"
Case in point: Each year I get a season brochure for LA Phil at the Hollywood Bowl. Each year I circle the concerts I would most love, and each year I never attend. Why? Because 1) I never have "extra" money to go, 2) AH would never want to go... he said he would, and then back out literally at the last minute (his MO), and 3) I never felt comfortable leaving my son at home due to what he may find with his drunken dad (no abuse).
So Wednesday, my good friend helped me hang a large bathroom shelving unit in my new place. Just in passing she asks if I would like to go to the Hollywood Bowl Thursday night for Mozart. "I would pay for the shuttle bus, and when You buy tickets there, the seats way in back are like $10.00!" So I took a chance and said, "I sure would!" So I got together some wine, cheeses, a salad... all the fun things to eat that you can take to The Bowl. While we were waiting in line to buy our tickets, a very nice lady approached my friend and I and asked if we would like to share their box seats! Are you kidding me???? We accepted, and even though her and her husband were complete strangers, we shared the quintessential "Bowl" experience of a night of good conversation, food, wine, and Mozart under the stars. For me, it was sublime!
At one point I had closed my eyes and was listening to "Jupiter," and I realized just how lucky I was at that very moment. I told my friend, "You know, this was one of the concerts that I had circled on the brochure months ago... thank you for inviting me!"
"Well, you needed and deserved a night out!" she said. "Besides, you very rarely accept my invitations, so it is fun to be with you."
"Well, to be fair, I never felt like I could leave my son with AH... I never felt truly comfortable. It is absolutely freeing to be able to do my own thing and not even worry about what AH is doing, feeling, saying, acting etc!"
THAT WAS THE EXACT MOMENT THAT I KNEW A HIGHER POWER OF MY UNDERSTANDING HAD TAKEN THE WHEEL and had guided this night... and as I sat there and looked back over the last month, I was able to see smaller things that must be my HP's doing as well!
My mind was blown! LOL!
So for any newcomer, my ESH on the Higher Power thing is... be gentle with yourself. You absolutely do not have to automatically "accept" the notion of a higher power. If you can, kudos to you! But if you are like I was and was stuck... just keep coming back, go to meetings, and don't fret over the HP thing. It has a way of reaching out to you when you are ready!
Namaste!
MizzB said
Sep 15, 2017
Thank you PNP. I am also starting to hand over things to my higher power. I have had an uncomfortable relationship with organised religion in my life but always kind of believed in God but felt that he would be better left out of my problems, and deal with people more deserving. I am now requesting prayers from friends who believe. I might not have the same ideas about God as they do but prayers to a higher power for me show me that people care - whichever God we believe in. I have to believe there is someone out there looking out for me when I am having difficulties managing my own life. I'm not sure he has taken the wheel yet, but I feel (s)he's in the car with me and is ready to take over should I forget how to change gear or brake. Thank you for your positivity. It helps my path to recovery.
SerenityRUS said
Sep 15, 2017
Hugs sooo glad you had such a great experience :)
Work that recovery :)
el-cee said
Sep 15, 2017
Great post. I love how your working this. In my experience when I'm open like you it just keeps getting better and better. Freedom tastes good.
milkwood said
Sep 15, 2017
Stunning!
El said
Sep 15, 2017
Wonderful share! Thank you!
Ellen
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 15, 2017
Mizzb - I totally "get you" on the organized religion thing. I was brought up in a Catholic household... had to do all the Sacraments, CC classes, the whole nine yards. In high school I took a Bible As Lit class and that really opened my eyes. Being the researcher that I am, and loving history, I delved deeper into the origins of all religions. That led me away from organized religion, but not away from God. However, addiction in my life had severely hamstringed my relationship with God and even the acceptance of a Higher Power. So be gentle with yourself. (((((MizzB))))
Thanks, Serenity and Milkwood!
el-cee - Now I understand that coming to this forum (again) I was really closed off. Being open to everything does make things easier... and you are so RIGHT! Freedom DOES taste good!
Iamhere said
Sep 15, 2017
(((PnP))) - fantastic share - thank you so much for your ESH....I got a chuckle out of your organized religion post. I too was raised Catholic - 12 years of schooling in the plaid uniform.....................and people wonder why I am so darn crazy!!! My HP today is nothing like I was taught as a child. I am grateful finally for the foundation of believing in an 'unknown/can't see entity' but that took years and years as I resented that organized religion was forced down my throat.
I love that you got to go and do! I love that you felt free to do so! I love that you brought it back to share with us.....I feel honored to be part of your journey! Keep doing you - looks fantastic on you!
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 15, 2017
Thank you, El and Iamhere!
The funny thing is, last night - even though I was out late and getting over this pneumonia thingy - I had the best sleep I've had since moving out! It was like all the worries of if I chose the right thing to do were wiped from my brain! My body just "knew" that this was indeed the right thing, and told me so by allowing me a full night's restorative rest!
Coming here, I was not on good terms with my HP. In fact, I didn't even want to admit that I may even have an HP. I was resentful of my AH, resentful of God, and just all around mad at the world.
It took months of me first understanding the disease of alcohol (something that wasn't really accepted here, but something I had to do for myself). A small amount of time trying to get AH to "see" that he needs help and what he would be losing... LOL! That was unsuccessful! And finally, a couple months reading everyone's posts about ACCEPTANCE, DETACHING, SLOGANS. It took awhile, but I finally realized that I had hit MY bottom... regardless of what my AH was doing or not doing.
Throughout this process, I worked the Steps, but became stuck with the HP part of it all. Yes, I tried thinking of the rooms and this forum as my HP... not sure if that helped. I prayed. That just seemed fake to me. What ended up helping me was just putting the whole HP business on the back burner. Just forget that it is a "factor" of my recovery. What I found (and I am continuing to find), that little things happen, and I began to think... "Maybe this is what everyone has been talking about when they speak of 'Their Higher Power.'"
Case in point: Each year I get a season brochure for LA Phil at the Hollywood Bowl. Each year I circle the concerts I would most love, and each year I never attend. Why? Because 1) I never have "extra" money to go, 2) AH would never want to go... he said he would, and then back out literally at the last minute (his MO), and 3) I never felt comfortable leaving my son at home due to what he may find with his drunken dad (no abuse).
So Wednesday, my good friend helped me hang a large bathroom shelving unit in my new place. Just in passing she asks if I would like to go to the Hollywood Bowl Thursday night for Mozart. "I would pay for the shuttle bus, and when You buy tickets there, the seats way in back are like $10.00!" So I took a chance and said, "I sure would!" So I got together some wine, cheeses, a salad... all the fun things to eat that you can take to The Bowl. While we were waiting in line to buy our tickets, a very nice lady approached my friend and I and asked if we would like to share their box seats! Are you kidding me???? We accepted, and even though her and her husband were complete strangers, we shared the quintessential "Bowl" experience of a night of good conversation, food, wine, and Mozart under the stars. For me, it was sublime!
At one point I had closed my eyes and was listening to "Jupiter," and I realized just how lucky I was at that very moment. I told my friend, "You know, this was one of the concerts that I had circled on the brochure months ago... thank you for inviting me!"
"Well, you needed and deserved a night out!" she said. "Besides, you very rarely accept my invitations, so it is fun to be with you."
"Well, to be fair, I never felt like I could leave my son with AH... I never felt truly comfortable. It is absolutely freeing to be able to do my own thing and not even worry about what AH is doing, feeling, saying, acting etc!"
THAT WAS THE EXACT MOMENT THAT I KNEW A HIGHER POWER OF MY UNDERSTANDING HAD TAKEN THE WHEEL and had guided this night... and as I sat there and looked back over the last month, I was able to see smaller things that must be my HP's doing as well!
My mind was blown! LOL!
So for any newcomer, my ESH on the Higher Power thing is... be gentle with yourself. You absolutely do not have to automatically "accept" the notion of a higher power. If you can, kudos to you! But if you are like I was and was stuck... just keep coming back, go to meetings, and don't fret over the HP thing. It has a way of reaching out to you when you are ready!
Namaste!
Work that recovery :)
Wonderful share! Thank you!
Ellen
Mizzb - I totally "get you" on the organized religion thing. I was brought up in a Catholic household... had to do all the Sacraments, CC classes, the whole nine yards. In high school I took a Bible As Lit class and that really opened my eyes. Being the researcher that I am, and loving history, I delved deeper into the origins of all religions. That led me away from organized religion, but not away from God. However, addiction in my life had severely hamstringed my relationship with God and even the acceptance of a Higher Power. So be gentle with yourself. (((((MizzB))))
Thanks, Serenity and Milkwood!
el-cee - Now I understand that coming to this forum (again) I was really closed off. Being open to everything does make things easier... and you are so RIGHT! Freedom DOES taste good!
I love that you got to go and do! I love that you felt free to do so! I love that you brought it back to share with us.....I feel honored to be part of your journey! Keep doing you - looks fantastic on you!
The funny thing is, last night - even though I was out late and getting over this pneumonia thingy - I had the best sleep I've had since moving out! It was like all the worries of if I chose the right thing to do were wiped from my brain! My body just "knew" that this was indeed the right thing, and told me so by allowing me a full night's restorative rest!