My AH is out of control. I had surgery on Monday for kidney stones. It didn't go well and have been suffering for 4 days bc of complications. My husband used me as an excuse to stay home from work for 4 days to take care of me and the children. He has only added another mouth to feed and has provided no care for the kids. I was beat down and wore our today and fold him "you've got to help me. I'm going to lay down and I need you to be with the kids". I may down and a half hour later my 4 year old comes in "mommy, daddy sleeping and won't wake up. Can you get me something to drink? What?! He's supposed to be sober watching them so I can rest. He's so drunknans passed out I can't wake him. I'm mad and upset for the kids. Then my pain sets in... then I start puking, then I run a fever. I try to wake him for 2 hours and have zero luck. So im.in a situation that I need to go to the hospital and he can't take me... I also have my kids. So I call his mom(neihhbor) and ask if she can take me to the hospital and keep my kids. So she questions where her son is... great. So as I'm leaving my father in law pulls in and just goes in my house and rips my husband a new one. I was glad I wasn't there. He then calls me find out what's going on. Some how in his selfishness inshlukdnr have asked for help. Well guess what? I've been admitted to the hospital for an infection and he can't come here bc he's too drunk. My kids are staying at my in laws bc hes incapable. Though he's mad bc I asked for help. What the heck ever. This is ridiculous. I'm having surgery in the morning.
I love him but he is not loving me. No matter how much he begs and pleads. Actions speak louder than words. My kids were upset because daddy couldn't help mommy.
Rant over. Ugh
So question for the divorced and/or lawyers. I'm a stay at home mom. My husband has a pretty decent size 401k. If i file and say he can have the house would I be able to get the 401k as an asset? I could use that as a down payment on a house or rent for a year till my kids start full time school so I can get a job.
Does the early withdraw apply in a divorce?
TIA
el-cee said
Sep 15, 2017
Hi, sorry I cant help you with your legal questions but I suggest Alanon recovery program for you.
Alcoholism effects the whole family, everyone gets sick, thinking becomes distorted and I know it so well. Im sorry you didnt get the support you needed from your husband but Im glad you got a plan B.
What if someone told you he cant give you what he hasnt got to give, like care, like love and concern. His brain is held hostage by drink so you cant compete with that. In Alanon I learned its a disease and so I felt much better when I realised his behaviour and choices and actions were not deliberate 'bad' or 'evil' acts. He was and always had been sick. Then I learned another amazing fact, Im not a bitter resentful angry person, I was and am suffering from the disease of alcoholism and the best bit, there is medicine, a recovery program and Im much better now, so much so that I love life mostly, I live to the fullest mostly, I dont accept unacceptable behaviour as often, still working on that one but my life has improved beyond belief.
Alcohlism as far as I have learned is as old as time and the only solution for both the drinker and non drinker seems to be a spiritual solution. Its mostly in a nutshell about letting go, letting go of false beliefs that make us deeply unhappy. Good luck to you and get well soon.
milkwood said
Sep 15, 2017
It is so difficult when we realise that someone that we thought would be there for us when we really needed them simply can't do. I'm so sorry, it sounds like a terrible ordeal. I remember that after I felt let down I finally came to think that I had been a stubborn old mule all along for thinking that it could have been any other way. That realisation wasn't particularly comfortable, but it was enlightening and helped me to take the next right steps for me.
Good luck with the surgery, I am sure that you will be well taken care of in hospital. Well done for asking for help from those more able to provide it as well - who cares if AH is unhappy about that - it is only his alcohol gremlins showing their fear of exposure after all!!
I can not help you with regards to divorce law, although your thinking seems pretty clear, but I just wanted to be a voice wishing you a speedy recovery from your surgery so you know that we are thinking of you - first things first as they say! (((((Hugs))))))
SerenityRUS said
Sep 15, 2017
Hi Is,
I suggest you go in and talk to an attorney in your state with all of the questions you need to have answered. What I can tell you is based upon IL/TX/CA law is that these are no fault 50/50 states. So you can give him the house you will only be entitled to 50% of the retirement UNLESS he agrees otherwise. Legally he doesn't have to give you 100%.
I'm not sure how long you have been married however you should get child support for your child together.
It is far better to workout an agreement before going before the courts I really encourage you to do so if it's at all possible. I am coming from the standpoint of a 3 year war that is now going on 5 years all because my XAH lacks the ability to finish anything.
So talk to people, find out what your options are and make sure you know your rights and come up with a fair deal. My XAH believed 0 was a fair amount for me and he was told otherwise.
Hugs S:)
PS - I also encourage you to attend meetings, work the steps because I wound up with 2 addicts/alcoholics it was not an accident that I picked them.
Lyne said
Sep 15, 2017
Hi, and yes your life is your real life. It sounds very rough at the moment. To have medical problems on top of AH ....Finding out what your legal rights are is a great suggestion, and you know for yourself that asking for help was the only option you had. And good for you for using good judgement!
I think my A loves me the best she can. Unfortunately when addiction is someone's priority , you will not be receiving healthy love. It may be the best they can do, but in my opinion, addicted love is clouded by lots of other things like lying, sneaking, not being present, etc. So the A may really love you, but it's not healthy.
I hope you recover from your medical stuff, consult a lawyer , and continue in Alanon. Wishing you the best, Lyne
Iamhere said
Sep 15, 2017
ITRL - so very, very sorry for your surgery and the outcome.....sending prayers and positive thoughts your way for healing!
KS is also no fault. I would suggest you ask around for good attorneys and have them come visit while you are in the hospital. They will best be able to tell you what's possible for your state and your needs.
Know that we're here for you - so sorry that he was not...Glad that his parents were able to step in and assist!! (((Hugs)))
YARNCRAZY said
Sep 15, 2017
was in similar situation cept in ca. had seperate 401k but exah had to sign it off for me which took his brother and an act of god. next the irs charged us not only early withdrawel fee but over $40,000 in taxes which now i owe about 25,000 which i cant pay as i have no money am on disability. even then, the state charges me $50 mth and the fed says i have only a 10 year deferment.yikes. now my cat's illness is making me overwhelmed with more debt. Calgon take me away......
Aline said
Sep 15, 2017
Hugs, ((((Isthisreallife)))), so sorry for the situation, I'm glad you took care of you and got help where it was available. I hope all goes well and you will get better soon!
Maresie25 said
Sep 19, 2017
I have definitely been there and taken the biscuit. The issue for me was that was early in the relationship (it lasted 7 years).
The hospital incident happened very very early on. I found it very very difficult to confront.
Personally as I have said before, I have never had luck confronting an alcoholic. What I have had luck with is focusing on myself.
When I have to deal with an alcoholic these days (which we all do) my expectations are far far different.
Some of the issue for me is expectations. Expecting someone who is unreliable to be reliable is not good for me. I can go that route endlessly.
When I get my expectation in line as painful as it is, and it is very very painful, I am not left in devastation.
These days I expect an alcoholic (an active one) to be unreliable, to not be grateful, to not be compassionate and have empathy, to not be able to do anything else but be obsessed with their disease.
That doesn't mean I don't care for them. I do. I just don't expect them to care for me. I have to care for them from a distance and some of them from a very very far distance.
I certainly want to confront the alcoholics I know. I think about it a lot but i know it sets up an expectation that they might change. The only person who has had to change was me.
As far as getting divorced goes, getting a divorce with property and children is a complex topic. I know that divorce attorneys often do a consult. They would be able to lay out what you could and couldn't get in terms of a divorce. I have found that the best referral for an attorney was a personal one.
hope you feel better soon.
Maresie25
mamalioness said
Sep 19, 2017
Hi!! I would read and re-read what Serenity says because depending on what state you are in, things are different, state to state,.....I would talk with people..research...see a lawyer for advice...and I agree with her..IF you give him the house, you don't "automatically" get all the retirement, it would be divided......I would check with MANY folks on my options and make sure that you are going to get an equitable deal......and I , too, agree....meetings...steps....sponsor work.....i would LEAN on the program while I am checking out my rights...I married TWO alcoholics...noone forced me to marry them, I did...I got into program to break that sick pattern of picking bad men ,program showed me why and how to take good care of me now.........also document his drinking (might help you in custody issue) take cell pics of him lying down drunk with children there....document document EVERYTHING that helps you...dates, times, incidents and pictures.....i would start gathering up this and don't depend on inlaws to support you, he is their "baby" and they can and might lie to help him, so your on your own as far as witnesses...so that is why I suggest documentation........so sorry for your illness.....if the kids belong to both of you, and are minors, usually IF you get custody, you get child support, but there again...start researching and documentation, gathering evidence, consulting with lawyers , etc......hope you feel better soon........being ill and having this , I feel for you........IN SUPPORT
My AH is out of control. I had surgery on Monday for kidney stones. It didn't go well and have been suffering for 4 days bc of complications. My husband used me as an excuse to stay home from work for 4 days to take care of me and the children. He has only added another mouth to feed and has provided no care for the kids. I was beat down and wore our today and fold him "you've got to help me. I'm going to lay down and I need you to be with the kids". I may down and a half hour later my 4 year old comes in "mommy, daddy sleeping and won't wake up. Can you get me something to drink? What?! He's supposed to be sober watching them so I can rest. He's so drunknans passed out I can't wake him. I'm mad and upset for the kids. Then my pain sets in... then I start puking, then I run a fever. I try to wake him for 2 hours and have zero luck. So im.in a situation that I need to go to the hospital and he can't take me... I also have my kids. So I call his mom(neihhbor) and ask if she can take me to the hospital and keep my kids. So she questions where her son is... great. So as I'm leaving my father in law pulls in and just goes in my house and rips my husband a new one. I was glad I wasn't there. He then calls me find out what's going on. Some how in his selfishness inshlukdnr have asked for help. Well guess what? I've been admitted to the hospital for an infection and he can't come here bc he's too drunk. My kids are staying at my in laws bc hes incapable. Though he's mad bc I asked for help. What the heck ever. This is ridiculous. I'm having surgery in the morning.
I love him but he is not loving me. No matter how much he begs and pleads. Actions speak louder than words. My kids were upset because daddy couldn't help mommy.
Rant over. Ugh
So question for the divorced and/or lawyers. I'm a stay at home mom. My husband has a pretty decent size 401k. If i file and say he can have the house would I be able to get the 401k as an asset? I could use that as a down payment on a house or rent for a year till my kids start full time school so I can get a job.
Does the early withdraw apply in a divorce?
TIA
Alcoholism effects the whole family, everyone gets sick, thinking becomes distorted and I know it so well. Im sorry you didnt get the support you needed from your husband but Im glad you got a plan B.
What if someone told you he cant give you what he hasnt got to give, like care, like love and concern. His brain is held hostage by drink so you cant compete with that. In Alanon I learned its a disease and so I felt much better when I realised his behaviour and choices and actions were not deliberate 'bad' or 'evil' acts. He was and always had been sick. Then I learned another amazing fact, Im not a bitter resentful angry person, I was and am suffering from the disease of alcoholism and the best bit, there is medicine, a recovery program and Im much better now, so much so that I love life mostly, I live to the fullest mostly, I dont accept unacceptable behaviour as often, still working on that one but my life has improved beyond belief.
Alcohlism as far as I have learned is as old as time and the only solution for both the drinker and non drinker seems to be a spiritual solution. Its mostly in a nutshell about letting go, letting go of false beliefs that make us deeply unhappy. Good luck to you and get well soon.
Good luck with the surgery, I am sure that you will be well taken care of in hospital. Well done for asking for help from those more able to provide it as well - who cares if AH is unhappy about that - it is only his alcohol gremlins showing their fear of exposure after all!!
I can not help you with regards to divorce law, although your thinking seems pretty clear, but I just wanted to be a voice wishing you a speedy recovery from your surgery so you know that we are thinking of you - first things first as they say! (((((Hugs))))))
I suggest you go in and talk to an attorney in your state with all of the questions you need to have answered. What I can tell you is based upon IL/TX/CA law is that these are no fault 50/50 states. So you can give him the house you will only be entitled to 50% of the retirement UNLESS he agrees otherwise. Legally he doesn't have to give you 100%.
I'm not sure how long you have been married however you should get child support for your child together.
It is far better to workout an agreement before going before the courts I really encourage you to do so if it's at all possible. I am coming from the standpoint of a 3 year war that is now going on 5 years all because my XAH lacks the ability to finish anything.
So talk to people, find out what your options are and make sure you know your rights and come up with a fair deal. My XAH believed 0 was a fair amount for me and he was told otherwise.
Hugs S:)
PS - I also encourage you to attend meetings, work the steps because I wound up with 2 addicts/alcoholics it was not an accident that I picked them.
I think my A loves me the best she can. Unfortunately when addiction is someone's priority , you will not be receiving healthy love. It may be the best they can do, but in my opinion, addicted love is clouded by lots of other things like lying, sneaking, not being present, etc. So the A may really love you, but it's not healthy.
I hope you recover from your medical stuff, consult a lawyer , and continue in Alanon. Wishing you the best, Lyne
KS is also no fault. I would suggest you ask around for good attorneys and have them come visit while you are in the hospital. They will best be able to tell you what's possible for your state and your needs.
Know that we're here for you - so sorry that he was not...Glad that his parents were able to step in and assist!! (((Hugs)))
I have definitely been there and taken the biscuit. The issue for me was that was early in the relationship (it lasted 7 years).
The hospital incident happened very very early on. I found it very very difficult to confront.
Personally as I have said before, I have never had luck confronting an alcoholic. What I have had luck with is focusing on myself.
When I have to deal with an alcoholic these days (which we all do) my expectations are far far different.
Some of the issue for me is expectations. Expecting someone who is unreliable to be reliable is not good for me. I can go that route endlessly.
When I get my expectation in line as painful as it is, and it is very very painful, I am not left in devastation.
These days I expect an alcoholic (an active one) to be unreliable, to not be grateful, to not be compassionate and have empathy, to not be able to do anything else but be obsessed with their disease.
That doesn't mean I don't care for them. I do. I just don't expect them to care for me. I have to care for them from a distance and some of them from a very very far distance.
I certainly want to confront the alcoholics I know. I think about it a lot but i know it sets up an expectation that they might change. The only person who has had to change was me.
As far as getting divorced goes, getting a divorce with property and children is a complex topic. I know that divorce attorneys often do a consult. They would be able to lay out what you could and couldn't get in terms of a divorce. I have found that the best referral for an attorney was a personal one.
hope you feel better soon.
Maresie25
Hi!! I would read and re-read what Serenity says because depending on what state you are in, things are different, state to state,.....I would talk with people..research...see a lawyer for advice...and I agree with her..IF you give him the house, you don't "automatically" get all the retirement, it would be divided......I would check with MANY folks on my options and make sure that you are going to get an equitable deal......and I , too, agree....meetings...steps....sponsor work.....i would LEAN on the program while I am checking out my rights...I married TWO alcoholics...noone forced me to marry them, I did...I got into program to break that sick pattern of picking bad men ,program showed me why and how to take good care of me now.........also document his drinking (might help you in custody issue) take cell pics of him lying down drunk with children there....document document EVERYTHING that helps you...dates, times, incidents and pictures.....i would start gathering up this and don't depend on inlaws to support you, he is their "baby" and they can and might lie to help him, so your on your own as far as witnesses...so that is why I suggest documentation........so sorry for your illness.....if the kids belong to both of you, and are minors, usually IF you get custody, you get child support, but there again...start researching and documentation, gathering evidence, consulting with lawyers , etc......hope you feel better soon........being ill and having this , I feel for you........IN SUPPORT