Sounds to me as though his HP is leading him to some consequences. I found it so difficult to explain to my friends how much strength it takes to keep quiet and calm while my AH was heading for a cliff edge but I think that folks here really understand. It did get easier for me though when I learnt to not turn up to all the chaos parties. As Fergie says, take good care of you. ((((hugs))))

Thank you both so much. So as it turns out he left the computer on a table in a bar while he went to the toilet. His passport was with it. And it was his work laptop. He's already on one week notice so he'll be out of a job again soon. But of course it wasn't his fault for losing it- it was his company's fault for employing him in London where theft is bound to happen. I'm hoping the hp is guiding him to consequences by it still feels like he's in denial about his role in in. Anyway it's not my crisis. God, grant me serenity. To get through this day at work. I'm praying a lot at the moment.

I have also found that when I stay out of things and emotionally detach, others have to face the "full brunt" of their consequences. When I get involved they have someone to argue with, get mad at, blame, etc. by staying detached, they can not transfer their junk over to me and have to feel the full force of it. Maybe (just maybe) after dealing with it enough times, they will decide its time to change, but no guarantees. At least we can stay sane while they are off the deep end by doing what we need to to support our recovery and health. I read somewhere this: what is the most loving nurturing thing available to you right now that you can do to take care of yourself right now? That helps me when I get anxious.

Hang in there MizzB.....it is super hard to let go and let God and mind my own business but what Fergie described is what has worked well for me. There are times where my tongue hurts from biting it to refrain from engaging yet if I remain detached, I can avoid getting sucked back into the insanity of the disease.

Yes, full consequences. But I think he'll only get these when I ask him to move out. He doesn't contribute to the bills at the moment or the housework (but I get verbal abuse for not doing the housework despite working full time). I don't think he will ever hit rock bottom while he lives with me. I've even expressed that to his mum and to him. But the cycle works like this... gets drunk; gets abusive - lasts about 3 days, then feels ill so tries to cut back, then it's the "poor me" "I'll do anything", then he feels a bit better after a couple of days off the drink and goes back to "I'm too clever to be helped" so doesn't engage in treatment. I'm thoroughly expecting him to end up in hospital soon or prison especially now he has lost his job. Again. Because of drinking.

But it's his crisis, not mine. It's not mine.

MizzB,

I call that "a$$ on fire" realizations of once the fire is out there is no need to change.

Big hugs .. I know none of this is easy for a variety of reasons .. watching my daughter deal with her anxiety my heart seriously goes out to you. It isn't easy.

Hugs S :)

I can completely relate to this post. When my AH was spiraling out of the control he had just started a new job. He was in the "process" of quitting and of course was lying about drinking. It was so hard to see how bad it was getting and the worry that he was going to lose his new awesome job was a lot to bear. My anxiety was through the roof but this forum and f-2-f meetings really helped me. It also helped me to try and get some exercise/hit the gym which helped alleviate some of my stress. By the grace of god he hit bottom and detoxed in a hospital. He was out for an entire week but because he was admitted to the hospital and due to hipaa laws they were only able to confirm that he had been admitted. His HP was really looking out for him and thank god he saw how sick he was and finally got sober.

Hang in there as I know it is not easy to see someone going over the cliff. Letting my husband deal with his own consequences was the best (and hardest) thing I could have done.

Thank you all. Apparently he hasn't lost his job yet but only because his boss wasn't in. I'm not bothered if he loses it - there's too much drink available where he works - he's in a company that provides free alcohol to employees and encourages them to drink at lunch. I imagine half the employees have a problem there. And I imagine he will lose his job tomorrow or next week (he's already on notice before getting his laptop stolen - left it on the table when going to the toilet in a pub). But I don't care. I'm not lending him money. If he can't pay, he has to go live with his parents. He's woken up and gone to get a drink for the withdrawal. Unfortunately this is needed as I'm sure you all know. But I didn't even bother to engage with him about the drinking and his "it'll only be two". He can and will do what he wants. And I am gaining the strength to do that too. One of the things that is driving me is exhaustion. I've been at work since half 7 answering emails, teaching 5 consecutive classes and then sitting through a meeting. And bookending that with dog walking. I find it ironic that exhaustion is driving my strength to disengage.
I'm also only cleaning up my mess in the flat. I've not touched anything he's left lying around. It feels really passive aggressive (and I know I am passive aggressive) but after being yelled out for my cleaning, he needs to see how much I do actually do of his stuff. i won't do his laundry anymore. I'm not even going to sweep up after the dog. He wants it perfect for when his mum comes round. Then he's going to ahve to do it as I cleaned everything last week and I've made no mess. THe dog is a joint do (supposedly) so he should help clean up after her. And his cups that he leaves everywhere. SO passive aggressive? Or detaching and allowing to see the consequences? I"m not sure anymore.