Still checking in w/the posts each day, but cannot linger due to all the things that need to get accomplished w/a move out. Yes, my son and I moved away from my AH. There have been good days and bad. Kid is loving it! I am in a good headspace as long as I hve limited contact w/AH. If I don't, then I do feel sadness & pity for him. And that leads me to doubting my judgement...not good!
My problem? What to reply when all his texts end with "I love you. " I certainly don't hate him. But I no longer have the same feelings for him that I think he wants me to have. For now, I hve not responded But I can't keep dodging that. What were some of the phrases you that hve been in this position have used?
I know at some point we will hve to have a sit down, and I have to discuss AGAIN that I just want to live & be by myself. That I cannot deal with the possibility of another relapse, so I would not be a good partner for him. But I was hoping he would get some program in him. I just feel a huge amt of pressure each time he contacts me with that phrase. Thank you all for being on this forum!
SerenityRUS said
Sep 13, 2017
Yikes and hugs .. I think I go to the slogan to thine own self be true this sounds like something you need to pray about .. you know no response is still a response. I never encourage anyone to say something they do not mean because it will bite you in the butt really bad.
I am so sorry you are both dealing with the confusion and pain of figuring things out. Because I am more blunt and to the point I tend to put out there what's going on .. and that's not always the best way to go .. for me responding with that's not where I'm at right now, I am trying to figure out where I am and I need some time and space to think about things. Dealing with an irrational person I don't know that is a good way to go.
I'm very sure someone will have better words than that.
Hugs S :)
_bunny_ said
Sep 13, 2017
(((PosiesandPuppies))) It's inspiring to watch your journey and brave of you to remove yourself from active addiction. I love how you're taking it one day at a time. As far as what to reply, I think that you answered your own question. You could respond with your true feelings and that is that you don't feel the same about him. I would have to guess the "I love you's" stem from the denial part of our disease and now would be the time to practice compassion and setting some boundaries. I know for me if I'm letting something someone said affect me, it's time for extra program work. If I get a text that makes me feel uncomfortable, then I will practice self care and read my literature or attend a meeting. Al-Anon teaches us that keeping an open mind allows us to see and accept that there are many new choices available to us that we didn't even know existed before or were even possible. Thank you for sharing and I'm sending loving thoughts your way.
Bettertomorrow said
Sep 14, 2017
Hi pnp,
I have been following your journey and so happy for all the progress you have made. My AH moved out just over 4 months ago now. He has phoned every day to speak with me and the children. He has been sober and has clearly made some major changes. He also tells me 'I love you' and I just didn't feel right. The only way I could feel ok with myself was to be authentic and gently say how I felt. I told him I care about him, but don't want to hear the 'I love yous'. When he carried on, I politely pointed out I had asked him to stop and was concerned he didn't appear to be listening to my requests. He stopped doing it. He now wants to come home and try again. I again have been very honest and said we are willing to a trial period of co-parenting, but I do not want a relationship now. I can't tell how I will feel in the future. Also our house is a no-alcohol zone, and that is a boundary he needs to consider if he wants to live here. I appreciate that relapse is common, but I have decided on a zero tolerance boundary for our house as the children are my priority. I have also gently said I am proud that he is sober, but it is his life and if he wishes to drink / have a different type of relationship then I wish him well for the future, but it won't be with me.
tiredtonite said
Sep 14, 2017
You're going through a lot right now. No response has been best for me at times an active alcoholic is communicating with me. In a way, it's a form of detachment, a way of not engaging. It's a way of keeping the drama to a minimum and a way of keeping my serenity. The slogan Keep It Simple comes to mind because if you respond sometimes then there's another response and you're back in the push/pull dance again.. a war of words so to speak - jockeying for control. Much easier to either just listen on the other end of the phone or just text with the intended purpose and leave emotion out of it I've found.
You're going through a big change and there are a lot of feelings that accompany something like that. He has a right to his feelings and a right to express that he loves you. You really can't know if he expects a response from you unless he directly says Do you love me? He may just want to you to know since you are at a distance. The Alanon program gives us tools to keep recovering one day at a time and stay focused on sitting with and sorting out our feelings. You've been given physical space away from your husband. It can be a gift for working Step 11. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 14th of September 2017 08:54:34 AM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 14th of September 2017 09:02:45 AM
Iamhere said
Sep 14, 2017
PnP - I am another who truly believes, "To thine own self be true." What I can say about my journey is I have not responded, I have responded with thank you and I have said it back. It truly just depends on me, where I am and what I am feeling. I never want to mislead another, so I 'roll' as it feels for that moment on that day. Loving someone is not the same as being in love with them, and neither suggests anything more than a snapshot in time.
When mine are active, I am always looking for the shortest easiest words to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean. Often, I am still not heard as intended, but only own my part. Do what feels right for you....
You're doing great - keep doing you and keep trusting the process and the program and HP!!
WestMan said
Sep 14, 2017
A good reply might be "Take care, I'll speak with you later"
I am so sorry you are both dealing with the confusion and pain of figuring things out. Because I am more blunt and to the point I tend to put out there what's going on .. and that's not always the best way to go .. for me responding with that's not where I'm at right now, I am trying to figure out where I am and I need some time and space to think about things. Dealing with an irrational person I don't know that is a good way to go.
I'm very sure someone will have better words than that.
Hugs S :)
Hi pnp,
I have been following your journey and so happy for all the progress you have made. My AH moved out just over 4 months ago now. He has phoned every day to speak with me and the children. He has been sober and has clearly made some major changes. He also tells me 'I love you' and I just didn't feel right. The only way I could feel ok with myself was to be authentic and gently say how I felt. I told him I care about him, but don't want to hear the 'I love yous'. When he carried on, I politely pointed out I had asked him to stop and was concerned he didn't appear to be listening to my requests. He stopped doing it. He now wants to come home and try again. I again have been very honest and said we are willing to a trial period of co-parenting, but I do not want a relationship now. I can't tell how I will feel in the future. Also our house is a no-alcohol zone, and that is a boundary he needs to consider if he wants to live here. I appreciate that relapse is common, but I have decided on a zero tolerance boundary for our house as the children are my priority. I have also gently said I am proud that he is sober, but it is his life and if he wishes to drink / have a different type of relationship then I wish him well for the future, but it won't be with me.
You're going through a lot right now. No response has been best for me at times an active alcoholic is communicating with me. In a way, it's a form of detachment, a way of not engaging. It's a way of keeping the drama to a minimum and a way of keeping my serenity. The slogan Keep It Simple comes to mind because if you respond sometimes then there's another response and you're back in the push/pull dance again.. a war of words so to speak - jockeying for control. Much easier to either just listen on the other end of the phone or just text with the intended purpose and leave emotion out of it I've found.
You're going through a big change and there are a lot of feelings that accompany something like that. He has a right to his feelings and a right to express that he loves you. You really can't know if he expects a response from you unless he directly says Do you love me? He may just want to you to know since you are at a distance. The Alanon program gives us tools to keep recovering one day at a time and stay focused on sitting with and sorting out our feelings. You've been given physical space away from your husband. It can be a gift for working Step 11. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 14th of September 2017 08:54:34 AM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 14th of September 2017 09:02:45 AM
When mine are active, I am always looking for the shortest easiest words to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean. Often, I am still not heard as intended, but only own my part. Do what feels right for you....
You're doing great - keep doing you and keep trusting the process and the program and HP!!