The readings today about awareness acceptance and action were relevant to what im living right now. My youngest son, 20, not alcoholic but of course deeply effected, well his behaviour and choices seem to be leaning towards a shady lifestyle with shady other effected young people and I keep getting more and more awareness of his unacceptable behaviour, drugs, taking my car without permission, lying etc.
Considering I put up with abuse and couldn't work out it was unacceptable behaviour I have a bit of trouble working out what is unacceptable at times, so unless Im being called names, shouted at or physically abused I feel sometimes I might be tempted to go along with any behaviour as long as it isn't dramatic or noisy.
Anyway, I haven't taken any action as of yet, well besides speaking to him, we all know how much words change things lol. So I feel im being directed towards action, I've already went down the ultimatum road, with no success and I am leaning towards asking him to move out and get his own place.
Im thinking that living with this behaviour as it progresses is bad for my son and me and is enabling, the awareness just keeps coming and i understand hes effected by alcoholism and I also know I cant change that. Asking him to move out seems the solution or action because then he can continue or not making his own choices but the consequences are rightly his and not mine. I want him to be free to make his own mistakes without judgement from me. I also want to be free to live with my own standards and my own consequences and without the worry of another humans consequences becoming mine. Hes not listening to a word I say so im not the person to guide him at the moment so Im thinking letting go is what is needed. Im hesitant because how do I know thats Gods will?
milkwood said
Sep 12, 2017
Hello El-cee,
When I'm wondering if I'm leaning towards doing the right thing I consider doing the alternative, sometimes writing it down and staring at it to make it feel real. Then I listen out for a knot in my tummy or tension in my body and I try to figure out how this alternative option 'feels' for me. I can't presume to know Gods will, but I think my body listens a little better than my mind sometimes! ((((Hugs))))
tiredtonite said
Sep 12, 2017
Hi el-cee,
It sounds like you have done some soul searching concerning your son and reasoned things out and are leaning toward the decision to have him move so you both can continue to grow.
As far as knowing if a decision is my will or my higher power's will for me, like you I try to look at things honestly, check my motive for my decision, is it recovery focused and based in taking care of myself? What I've learned is that I need to do what feels right for me at the time and then let go and let god. If I've prayed about it, waited a little while, have not changed my decision but am just hesitant because of an inability to predict the outcome - I usually push forward with that decision if my gut tells me it's the right next action. There are no guarantees. There's always a bit of risk when taking any action that will bring change that will rock the boat so to speak. Sometimes it's come down to having tried everything else and risking to go into unchartered territory and trusting my higher power to keep guiding me. When I come to a decision and feel more calm than panic, more of a feeling of surrendering my next action to my higher power; I tend to feel that this is god's will for me. If I'm panicky, anxious and obsessing about whether I should take an action or not take it, I feel this is hp's way of letting me know that I am trying to enact my own will as opposed to being guided by my higher power to take action based on hp's will for me. If I wait a little while and then revisit my decision and my inclination to take the action is still there, I tend to feel this is god's will for me.
Geez, I don't know if any of this was helpful to you. It's just how I process and come to make decisions. I think the closer the relationship to others, the more difficult it is to let go and trust that there's a power greater than ourself out there that will care for them. It can be very hard to practice the 3 Cs in these very close relationships. I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. Wishing you the best as you decide with the help of your hp what is the best decision for today. (((hugs))) TT
SerenityRUS said
Sep 12, 2017
When I give things to the God of my understanding I do so with the acceptance I am fully powerless over the situation .. I think I find with these things that if I am at peace with the decision I have made then I am within God's will. I don't know if that makes sense or not. If I struggle then I have not fully given things over and the answer is not necessarily right at that point and time.
You will know when you know and I find if it's good for me it's actually good for my kids too. I know that sounds trite, sometimes I need to make it about me and my own mental health vs what I think other people should or should not be doing.
Hugs S :)
Iamhere said
Sep 12, 2017
Great topic....and so, so difficult. When I am feeling uncertainty on who's will is leading (mine or God's), I am a big, "Write About It, Talk About It and Pray About It" person. I process so much better in black and white. What I do know in my experience here is my boys both never took any action to grow up or mature so long as they kept having a safe place to come to. They would revolve in/out of here with the promise of different and kept going back to unacceptable choices/behaviors/consequences.
It's so, so hard but they appear to be doing better. What I do know is I am not perfect yet I did do my best to teach them right/wrong. If they keep choosing wrong, it's truly not on me and I just don't want to be sucked into it any longer. Knowing me better than before, and realizing I don't want them to be dependent upon me when they are 30/40 (I have 2 cousins who are...), I just had to use the laws as my final boundaries. If you're breaking the law, you're not welcome.
My sponsor really helped me with this....I had to learn to process with a program mind and not an angry mind. I had to examine my motives each time I worked on boundaries as I want to be sane but not selfish and self-serving. I had to stop processing in black and white with projecting and just literally stay in the day. I can say that I've never (yet) had a neon sign flash telling me Good Job - From God....darn it.
I also hold tight to when in doubt, don't....this helps me from having to rework boundaries that I design in a 'less than stellar' spiritual condition. (((Hugs))) - children really know how to push buttons, test boundaries and stretch us...Love mine dearly yet not always fond of their behaviors~~!
Jerry F said
Sep 12, 2017
My Higher Power is cultural in nature and by belief the creator of all that is around me. None of this around me is devoid of beauty and all that is around me accepts me with unconditional love. When I am returning it and using it as it supplies me I am duplicating the intention and will of my creator Father/Mother and am in balance. The cultural word for balance in Hawaiian is Lokakhi and the will of Akua (God) is said "Ke ala Lokahi" the way of balance. ((((hugs))))
mamalioness said
Sep 12, 2017
dear el-cee....I first get quiet within me....Then I get on my keyboard and type the situation out and my proposed next right thing to take care of me...OR call a recovery partner and give THEM the issue and my proposed next right thing......IF i feel good about my proposed solution, I know I am in sync with my HP and the life chart I worked out with HP waaay back....if I feel angst...tight in stomache....not right, not peaceful??? WAIT and work my program, get into meet, consult a recovery partner and RE-do my proposed solution and KNOWING that I am powerless over another, I can only change /take care of/ protect me.........and like Jerry says above me, feeling in BALANCE with Creator....sounds good go me.........wishing you well on this
Wolfie55 said
Sep 12, 2017
Thanks for your share.
Bo said
Sep 12, 2017
This was one that always troubled me, for several reasons. For the most part, I wasn't expecting a lightning bolt from the heavens to tell me. LOL.
However, when I think about this, I think about step eleven -- which is where I looked to improve my conscious contact with God, as I understood him, and more importantly, I prayed for his will and his work to be done in my life. But, and it's a big but, I was also praying only for knowledge of his will and the power to carry that out. To me, that means it's on me. I pray for knowledge of his will and for me to have the power to carry that out. Lightning bolt or not.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
I looked at all the steps, all the work I did throughout all the steps, throughout Blueprint for Progress, Paths to Recovery, and I can easily find my life has become more spiritual, and has improved greatly. I didn't always view my relationship with God as something prevalent, because I didn't have an intimate connection to God. So, I looked to my Higher Power. Yet it was easy for me to believe and embrace that a power greater than myself could and would help me, and restore me to sanity -- that is -- restore me to health and happiness. Then, I turned it over. Literally? Figuratively? I think it's different for everyone. It's personal. At least for me it was. When I went through all the steps, my entire journey through recovery, I turned to something outside myself for strength, help, and guidance. Was it always God's will? No. But it wasn't me either. Absolutely not.
I like what people had to say here. Thank you for posting.
a4l said
Sep 12, 2017
I've found it becomes clearer when I come to know the God of my understanding. The magical element I guess. Then its the serenity prayer in all my affairs. And program tools. Detached retrospection and self awareness. I know what my actions, reactions and feelings and thoughts were in the past. So I use that as a guide to determine what it is that's going for me and how accurate my urges are, whether this is an accept thing or a courage to change thing. Whatever you do, if you act, and can somehow detach from the outcome, that's programme at work. If you go hands off and accept, well that's programme work too. So I guess if you come to know both you and the God of your understanding, its a bit clearer as to understanding what is the higher will.
Hope that helps, sending you lots of love.
X
el-cee said
Sep 13, 2017
Thank you everyone, you really helped with this. Im thinking that I know the right thing to do for me and I suspect for him and its fear and what ifs that is giving me the doubt. I feel God's will is clear and that if Im to be an instrument of God's will then I need to do the right thing for the right reasons.
The readings today about awareness acceptance and action were relevant to what im living right now. My youngest son, 20, not alcoholic but of course deeply effected, well his behaviour and choices seem to be leaning towards a shady lifestyle with shady other effected young people and I keep getting more and more awareness of his unacceptable behaviour, drugs, taking my car without permission, lying etc.
Considering I put up with abuse and couldn't work out it was unacceptable behaviour I have a bit of trouble working out what is unacceptable at times, so unless Im being called names, shouted at or physically abused I feel sometimes I might be tempted to go along with any behaviour as long as it isn't dramatic or noisy.
Anyway, I haven't taken any action as of yet, well besides speaking to him, we all know how much words change things lol. So I feel im being directed towards action, I've already went down the ultimatum road, with no success and I am leaning towards asking him to move out and get his own place.
Im thinking that living with this behaviour as it progresses is bad for my son and me and is enabling, the awareness just keeps coming and i understand hes effected by alcoholism and I also know I cant change that. Asking him to move out seems the solution or action because then he can continue or not making his own choices but the consequences are rightly his and not mine. I want him to be free to make his own mistakes without judgement from me. I also want to be free to live with my own standards and my own consequences and without the worry of another humans consequences becoming mine. Hes not listening to a word I say so im not the person to guide him at the moment so Im thinking letting go is what is needed. Im hesitant because how do I know thats Gods will?
When I'm wondering if I'm leaning towards doing the right thing I consider doing the alternative, sometimes writing it down and staring at it to make it feel real. Then I listen out for a knot in my tummy or tension in my body and I try to figure out how this alternative option 'feels' for me. I can't presume to know Gods will, but I think my body listens a little better than my mind sometimes! ((((Hugs))))
Hi el-cee,
It sounds like you have done some soul searching concerning your son and reasoned things out and are leaning toward the decision to have him move so you both can continue to grow.
As far as knowing if a decision is my will or my higher power's will for me, like you I try to look at things honestly, check my motive for my decision, is it recovery focused and based in taking care of myself? What I've learned is that I need to do what feels right for me at the time and then let go and let god. If I've prayed about it, waited a little while, have not changed my decision but am just hesitant because of an inability to predict the outcome - I usually push forward with that decision if my gut tells me it's the right next action. There are no guarantees. There's always a bit of risk when taking any action that will bring change that will rock the boat so to speak. Sometimes it's come down to having tried everything else and risking to go into unchartered territory and trusting my higher power to keep guiding me. When I come to a decision and feel more calm than panic, more of a feeling of surrendering my next action to my higher power; I tend to feel that this is god's will for me. If I'm panicky, anxious and obsessing about whether I should take an action or not take it, I feel this is hp's way of letting me know that I am trying to enact my own will as opposed to being guided by my higher power to take action based on hp's will for me. If I wait a little while and then revisit my decision and my inclination to take the action is still there, I tend to feel this is god's will for me.
Geez, I don't know if any of this was helpful to you. It's just how I process and come to make decisions. I think the closer the relationship to others, the more difficult it is to let go and trust that there's a power greater than ourself out there that will care for them. It can be very hard to practice the 3 Cs in these very close relationships. I didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. Wishing you the best as you decide with the help of your hp what is the best decision for today. (((hugs))) TT
You will know when you know and I find if it's good for me it's actually good for my kids too. I know that sounds trite, sometimes I need to make it about me and my own mental health vs what I think other people should or should not be doing.
Hugs S :)
It's so, so hard but they appear to be doing better. What I do know is I am not perfect yet I did do my best to teach them right/wrong. If they keep choosing wrong, it's truly not on me and I just don't want to be sucked into it any longer. Knowing me better than before, and realizing I don't want them to be dependent upon me when they are 30/40 (I have 2 cousins who are...), I just had to use the laws as my final boundaries. If you're breaking the law, you're not welcome.
My sponsor really helped me with this....I had to learn to process with a program mind and not an angry mind. I had to examine my motives each time I worked on boundaries as I want to be sane but not selfish and self-serving. I had to stop processing in black and white with projecting and just literally stay in the day. I can say that I've never (yet) had a neon sign flash telling me Good Job - From God....darn it.
I also hold tight to when in doubt, don't....this helps me from having to rework boundaries that I design in a 'less than stellar' spiritual condition. (((Hugs))) - children really know how to push buttons, test boundaries and stretch us...Love mine dearly yet not always fond of their behaviors~~!
My Higher Power is cultural in nature and by belief the creator of all that is around me. None of this around me is devoid of beauty and all that is around me accepts me with unconditional love. When I am returning it and using it as it supplies me I am duplicating the intention and will of my creator Father/Mother and am in balance. The cultural word for balance in Hawaiian is Lokakhi and the will of Akua (God) is said "Ke ala Lokahi" the way of balance. ((((hugs))))
However, when I think about this, I think about step eleven -- which is where I looked to improve my conscious contact with God, as I understood him, and more importantly, I prayed for his will and his work to be done in my life. But, and it's a big but, I was also praying only for knowledge of his will and the power to carry that out. To me, that means it's on me. I pray for knowledge of his will and for me to have the power to carry that out. Lightning bolt or not.
Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
I looked at all the steps, all the work I did throughout all the steps, throughout Blueprint for Progress, Paths to Recovery, and I can easily find my life has become more spiritual, and has improved greatly. I didn't always view my relationship with God as something prevalent, because I didn't have an intimate connection to God. So, I looked to my Higher Power. Yet it was easy for me to believe and embrace that a power greater than myself could and would help me, and restore me to sanity -- that is -- restore me to health and happiness. Then, I turned it over. Literally? Figuratively? I think it's different for everyone. It's personal. At least for me it was. When I went through all the steps, my entire journey through recovery, I turned to something outside myself for strength, help, and guidance. Was it always God's will? No. But it wasn't me either. Absolutely not.
I like what people had to say here. Thank you for posting.
Thank you everyone, you really helped with this. Im thinking that I know the right thing to do for me and I suspect for him and its fear and what ifs that is giving me the doubt. I feel God's will is clear and that if Im to be an instrument of God's will then I need to do the right thing for the right reasons.