I debated telling AH that I was going to a meeting Monday...but we are a one car family and I'm a stay at home mom, so it's very random that I need the car without him or the kids. So I told him. That was Friday, he didn't say much. He was amazing almost all weekend. Overly affectionate, very sweet. And he's usually not even very nice. Today he started in with 'This better not be a weekly thing' and 'why are you going?' (I said I need help for myself) 'What does that even mean? I'll help you.' I'm just wondering what others have said when the A gets defensive about you just going to meetings. I don't know what to say without it sounding blame-y.
Iamhere said
Sep 11, 2017
Cmag3 - I just said this is about me and where I am in life. I have also asked other members for rides when we were low on cars. I have gotten good at practicing not responding/reacting to the insanity of the disease, only by practicing. There are some 'neutral Al-Anon phrases' that we given to me early on....things like, "I am sorry you feel that way." "Let me think on that." "Thank you for the input."
I loved when others suggested I work to not JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain....this allowed me to realize I could say nothing and it was almost more powerful than words.
Let us know how the meeting goes!!
Bethany66 said
Sep 11, 2017
I remember the conversation was not easy. I think Alcoholism in itself breeds bad communication. But I remember that I wasn't going to fight with my AH about my decision to go to Al-Anon, I wasn't going to justify or defend either. I calmly and rationally stated that this was something I needed to do for myself. I explained it wasn't about bashing, changing or fixing him, it was about healing and changing me. I go every week and I do it for myself and I hope he will reap the rewards of my work on myself as well. I think it has helped our home life so much that he no longer feels the need to chide me or get defensive about my going. I know he feels a tad bit of embarrassment that I go, but that is his issue, not mine and I won't take it on.
I think for myself, I was not going to be dissuaded from going to my meeting and I wasn't going to argue about it. It was maybe my first boundary??
It is not an easy road we travel. I am grateful we are not travelling alone and we have this message board and face to face meetings to garner strength, wisdom and hope.
SerenityRUS said
Sep 11, 2017
I love IAM's idea of finding someone to ride with that is a huge thing, then there is no need to rely on the car.
It is about you and it is about getting healthy. My XAH was very resentful about meetings and still doesn't understand why I went, that's just not my issue.
Hugs S :)
MizzB said
Sep 11, 2017
I am lucky that my partner was supportive. Or on a bender... So I can go to meetings. I think some of the reaction is fear. Fear that it's just a massive slagging off of the A. I felt that a bit when ABF started talking to a sponsor in AA and he said they talked about me and it didn't sound positive. It may help to reassure him that it's not about him - it's about YOU. We might share about our qualifiers but it's for our growth rather than for gossip and negativeness.
I like the JADE from IAH. THis really resonates with me. I definitely JADE. Unfortunately when I say "I'm sorry your feel that way" or "I believe I'd tried to do that" it inflames him further. For me it's easier to let him get it out without comment and then its over.
WestMan said
Sep 11, 2017
My AW freaked out a little bit when I started going. She is extremely edgy about her anonymity. She was in AA at the time so I think that made it a little easier because she probably talked to someone who filled her in.
There's some great suggestions in these earlier posts.
Bo said
Sep 11, 2017
So, to answer your question...here is what I said...
Yes, I hope it is a weekly thing. I am going to go when I can. As far as why I am going, I am going for me. Not for or about you. And, thank you for the help and support you've offered, but since it is not for you or about you, I need to go for me and about me.
And that is all I discussed with my alcoholic spouse. When she kept saying she'd help me, be there for me, support me, etc. -- I simply said, I go for a different type of help, about me, and how I need to go for me. I told her I wanted her to help, be there for me, etc. -- and that I would greatly appreciate that, but that was going to be in addition to me going to al-anon meetings. That's all. In the end, my spouse did NOT want me to go. In my experience, I find it very common that alcoholics don't want their spouses to go. To me, it's obvious as to why. LOL.
Thanks.
mamalioness said
Sep 11, 2017
WOW!! reading this I can see where it would be difficult to go to meetings IF you are STILL LIVING WITH the AH or the AW...for me, it was easy...I had already separated from the AH#2 HOWEVER....My Alcoholic BROTHER kinda was "what are YOU going to Al-anon for?? you divorced him" and I just said I had been impacted by the disease and I was going for me to learn a healthier way of thinking and living, that it was for me....and NOTHING about anyone ELSE...I was going to help ME!!!! and it was "end of case" but I think it made him squirm some because in his mind, us being such good friends, I might "learn some negative stuff about him????" I don't know what he was thinking and it hasn't been discussed since.....so yea, be it a spouse or friend or sibling, I can see it would make them "itch" us going to Al-anon which everyone knows it is for the loved ones of an alcoholic.......great shares!! interesting stuff.....
tiredtonite said
Sep 11, 2017
Cmag,
Like others have suggested, it might be better to ask if anyone would be available to be your ride to future meetings. This will eliminate having to gain his permission each week to seek recovery at in person meetings. Honestly, don't hesitate to ask if you can get a ride with someone. It's another way of doing service in the Alanon program and people are very happy to do it.
As far as explaining why you go, I personally don't see a problem with giving him some information. When I got to Alanon I was filled with resentment and my motive was to withhold information because I didn't think I owed my ah anything given the way he acted. Today, I believe that was wrong thinking. Something as simple as saying it gives me a chance to be myself with other women and make new friends and I feel better afterwards, would have likely been enough to satisfy his curiosity. But I was angry at the time and couldn't bring myself to say something like that. Today I know choosing to give him information would not have taken anything away from me. I was going to a meeting either way (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 11th of September 2017 08:40:16 PM
Cmag3 said
Sep 11, 2017
Thank you all for your insight! I went to the meeting, AH didn't say much when he got home so that was good. Then he tried to video chat with me halfway through the meeting...my phone was in silent so I didn't see until after but geez. That was ridiculous. I had an emotional breakdown that started during the reading of the yellow page and lasted dang near the whole hour. It was embarrassing but everyone was really sweet about it. Then on the half hour drive home he called to tell me to get home in some pretty foul language. I was glad to have some time to pray and calm down before walking in the door. I'll be going back, but I think it's going to be a bigger fight next week. Time will tell.
Iamhere said
Sep 11, 2017
Cmag - so glad you found your strength to go!! Good on you.....many of us cried and not just at the first meeting. Worry about today today and let tomorrow unfold. (((Hugs)))
Bo said
Sep 11, 2017
I am so glad you went, and that you are going back. Great for you. One day at a time. Focus on YOU.
Aline said
Sep 12, 2017
Good for you for going to your meeting :) When I came to my first Alanon meeting, my abf with whom I lived at the time, was pretty mad at me for going, but it passed in a couple of weeks when he saw I am resolved to continue going. I also said I do this for myself and I talk about myself there. I notice I met resistance from him at every step I took to take care of myself, not enable, detach - not surprising, really, just hard to deal with. The meetings and the fellowship was worth a little initial discomfort for me. Keep coming back!
SerenityRUS said
Sep 12, 2017
GFU, .. think about this .. it was scary and you did it any way .. you didn't know what his reaction would be and you did it any way .. and it was all ok.
Hugs S :)
Bo said
Sep 12, 2017
Excellent point Serenity. In reading all of the posts, I just glossed over that, LOL. Thanks for pointing that out.
tiredtonite said
Sep 12, 2017
Glad you got to your meeting and plan to keep coming back. Not at all unusual to let go and feel our feelings so openly with tears especially when we are newcomers. What a relief to finally be able to share what's on our heart and be understood and supported. So glad you are planning to attend again next week. Glad you joined us here for recovery. Together we can make it. TT
el-cee said
Sep 12, 2017
You could tell him its none of his business which would be the truth but probably wont go down well, you could tell him you want help as youve been effected by alcoholism and you want recovery, again might not go down well. I suppose the question is, what goes down well with active alcohlics? not a lot really. Youve taken a really amazing step towards improving things for your whole family, so tell him anything, overall its not really important what he thinks.
milkwood said
Sep 12, 2017
I went with what El-cee describes - I'd been affected by alcoholism and needed to get better. I kept it short and absolutely refused to debate it. That was a small but really helpful change in the dynamic of my relationship with AH.
I debated telling AH that I was going to a meeting Monday...but we are a one car family and I'm a stay at home mom, so it's very random that I need the car without him or the kids. So I told him. That was Friday, he didn't say much. He was amazing almost all weekend. Overly affectionate, very sweet. And he's usually not even very nice. Today he started in with 'This better not be a weekly thing' and 'why are you going?' (I said I need help for myself) 'What does that even mean? I'll help you.' I'm just wondering what others have said when the A gets defensive about you just going to meetings. I don't know what to say without it sounding blame-y.
I loved when others suggested I work to not JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain....this allowed me to realize I could say nothing and it was almost more powerful than words.
Let us know how the meeting goes!!
I think for myself, I was not going to be dissuaded from going to my meeting and I wasn't going to argue about it. It was maybe my first boundary??
It is not an easy road we travel. I am grateful we are not travelling alone and we have this message board and face to face meetings to garner strength, wisdom and hope.
It is about you and it is about getting healthy. My XAH was very resentful about meetings and still doesn't understand why I went, that's just not my issue.
Hugs S :)
I like the JADE from IAH. THis really resonates with me. I definitely JADE. Unfortunately when I say "I'm sorry your feel that way" or "I believe I'd tried to do that" it inflames him further. For me it's easier to let him get it out without comment and then its over.
There's some great suggestions in these earlier posts.
So, to answer your question...here is what I said...
Yes, I hope it is a weekly thing. I am going to go when I can. As far as why I am going, I am going for me. Not for or about you. And, thank you for the help and support you've offered, but since it is not for you or about you, I need to go for me and about me.
And that is all I discussed with my alcoholic spouse. When she kept saying she'd help me, be there for me, support me, etc. -- I simply said, I go for a different type of help, about me, and how I need to go for me. I told her I wanted her to help, be there for me, etc. -- and that I would greatly appreciate that, but that was going to be in addition to me going to al-anon meetings. That's all. In the end, my spouse did NOT want me to go. In my experience, I find it very common that alcoholics don't want their spouses to go. To me, it's obvious as to why. LOL.
Thanks.
Cmag,
Like others have suggested, it might be better to ask if anyone would be available to be your ride to future meetings. This will eliminate having to gain his permission each week to seek recovery at in person meetings. Honestly, don't hesitate to ask if you can get a ride with someone. It's another way of doing service in the Alanon program and people are very happy to do it.
As far as explaining why you go, I personally don't see a problem with giving him some information. When I got to Alanon I was filled with resentment and my motive was to withhold information because I didn't think I owed my ah anything given the way he acted. Today, I believe that was wrong thinking. Something as simple as saying it gives me a chance to be myself with other women and make new friends and I feel better afterwards, would have likely been enough to satisfy his curiosity. But I was angry at the time and couldn't bring myself to say something like that. Today I know choosing to give him information would not have taken anything away from me. I was going to a meeting either way
(((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 11th of September 2017 08:40:16 PM
Hugs S :)
Glad you got to your meeting and plan to keep coming back. Not at all unusual to let go and feel our feelings so openly with tears especially when we are newcomers. What a relief to finally be able to share what's on our heart and be understood and supported. So glad you are planning to attend again next week. Glad you joined us here for recovery. Together we can make it. TT
You could tell him its none of his business which would be the truth but probably wont go down well, you could tell him you want help as youve been effected by alcoholism and you want recovery, again might not go down well. I suppose the question is, what goes down well with active alcohlics? not a lot really. Youve taken a really amazing step towards improving things for your whole family, so tell him anything, overall its not really important what he thinks.