Have a lovely time Betty!!! I'll add to this one tomorrow but wanted to send you on your way with a 'bye-bye'!!!

Thanks IAH

I hope you are enjoying your camping trip, Betty!

One thing I noticed early in my meetings was that I wanted people to give me advice, and I could see several members preventing themselves from doing so while also trying to be helpful. They would listen to what I said, find some connection to an experience they had had, and talk about actions they took when they were feeling a similar way.

I found that to be extremely helpful, because I could take the pieces from their experience that were helpful and applicable, and leave the pieces that were not. I was the one making decisions, and they were mine. The other thing I heard often was that not making a decision was a decision too. The more senior members of my group encouraged me to decide to not decide yet when I was unsure about something, and helped me understand that not deciding yet was also a decision.

Today's reading rolls around once a year and I love, love, love it.....I came to Al-Anon beaten and broken yet almost patting myself on the back as I had survived to this point. All my people were alive and while we were not functioning, we were still above ground.

I was so, so angry I resisted listening and felt out of place at first. I had so much ego, I did not think I had anything to learn from these folks as my situation was 'terribly unique' - after all - I knew the 12 steps as I came to Al-Anon from the other side. I could speak them from memory and I had refrained from using mind-altering substances for a long while and had worked the steps before and continued so what ... could ... I ... possibly ... learn!!

I left and told my sponsor Al-Anon was not for me. They did not give me answers to help my people and that's what I needed. I did not want to change me and I did desperately want to change them. Back to the merry-go-round I went until I really got sick and tired of it all and wanted to crawl into a hole never to come back out.

I arrived differently. I was still angry but I was more beaten and broken than I had ever been. I knew I could not go on as it was and how I was. I could not find anything to be hopeful about. I had past the angry point in many areas and had become numb and apathetic. Numb and not caring about anyone or anything were more damaging to me than anger, and I knew I needed to find some relief from something.

When I realized nobody was going to give me answers or perfect instructions to feel better, I was confused. We do cross-talk a bit more on 'the other side' and it took me a while to realize that while things were different, I left feeling calmer and with more peace than I arrived with. Over time, the loving exchange of ESH without judgement or instruction was a gift that I cherished deeply. I loved resigning from the head honcho position at home and discovering that deep within this warrior gall who felt she 'saved the day by keeping everyone alive', there was a kind, gentle, good listening spirit who could give hugs, empathy and love to others without directing their lot in life.

As I let go of the distorted sense of control I felt I had over others, I felt more freedom, courage and confidence than ever before. As others taught me that we are all equals and all imperfect, I realized how insanely black/white my own thinking was and truly kept fighting everything and everyone. Countless people have asked me for specific opinions/guidance and my 'go-to' is to keep yourself safe, trust the program and the process. I know today that what I did/do, think/thought, etc. are not the answers for others as we are all on our own path. We each need our journey to be the best version of us, and there are no shortcuts.

Grateful that Al-Anon have me freedom from my own 'self-importance' distorted thinking and grateful for the lovely folks who came before me.

Happy Tuesday all - make it a great day!

Thank you Betty for this share and for your service. I really, really needed this reminder today. This week I found out my brother is divorcing his A wife of 28 years. Needless to say trying to remain compassionate and supportive without giving advice has been difficult. I just keep thinking back on my own separation and how confusing it was hearing everyone's opinion and pray that I won't add to their pain. Thank you to those who gave ESH before me too.

Thanks for your service Betty and hope the trip was good. For me this reading underpins many programme based understandings and tools including slogans. None of us come here well, is something that I see as related to not giving advice. If I keep that in mind for myself and my fellowship, it helps me to offer ESH and receive it in a way that first does no harm. It also starts shifting my black and white thinking which used to place people on pedestals, thinking one day, that's where the path of recovery would lead, to dominion of some kind over others. The ego also plays a role in advice giving in my experience and ego has been my replacement for genuine self esteem before recovery. It is not my place to give advice, though I've done it in ignorance of the larger spiritual picture before. Today I see recovery as an ongoing journey with no fixed destination. Its not about arriving to a place of imperial advice giving. Its all about watching life bloom and grow and knowing you have a place in that cycle which is just as beautiful as you allow it to be for self and others. No leaders, no followers, just a fellowship of equals. Love it!

Ive done some counselling trainingin the past and you never give advice when counselling. However I have also been on CBT training and you give people challenges on that. My whole job is also to give advice to students and tell them what to do. Sometimes it's hard to find a balance between so many conflicting backgrounds. Giving advice is easy for me. But it's also easy for my friends to give advice for my to leave my ABF. And the. I feel judged when I don't. Or stupid. I think sharing experiences is the perfect solution because you're not giving advice, you're saying what did or didn't work for you. Then someone can take their own solution from That- whether to try what you did or not. Sometimes it would be good to have someone come in and tell us what to do but if the outcome wasn't what we wanted, we would blame them. That is the meaning of this reading for me. Share options but member tell what the answer is. Because one person's answer isn't going to work with someone else

Very true mizzb. I think its the difference between a healing counsellor or a harming one also. Really, the ESH over advice is about respecting emotional boundaries too.