My son had moved away in Jan 2016 so it has a little over 1 1/2 years since he lived with us. When he did live with us the last 3-4 years were horrible. He was in the wrong crowd with drinkers and he would go on weekends to parties. Finished high school and started college. His first semester he admitted that he was drunk every day. He was horrible to his girlfriend and was drinking hard liquor which made him aggressive. Switched colleges and lived alone. Tried getting him therapy for social anxiety and depression. Just refused to continue seeing the therapist and said he could stop on his own... Lasted about a month and back to it. Just awful. Hard liquor, controlling his girlfriend, urinating in his bed, passing out at school, etc. God brought him through many close calls and each one made him quit for a week or so. Finally realized that hard liquor was turning him into a different person and started on just beer. He would drink a case of beer in a few hours, make his girlfriend go for more, etc. It was just awful. She would wait until he passed out and then leave for college for the week. I could not get anywhere with him. He started commuting to college because he had so much anxiety living alone in his apartment. Tried getting him help so many times. Nothing worked.
So today while in church, all these memories came flooding back. When will they cease??
He has since got a dui and was on probation for a year with no drinking. Now is off of probation and the girlfriend tells me that he talks alot about drinking but so far has not gone back to it. (Same girlfriend- she has not left him- Told me the man she fell inlove with is in there somewhere)
When they met, he was so different. He fell and hit his head on a cement floor face first a few months after they met and since that time (many years ago) he seemed to change. He refused to go to the hospital because he knew he had been drinking.
Just looking for advice on how to close the door and forget these memories.
MizzB said
Sep 10, 2017
I get these overwhelming memories too. Not quite the same type - my ABF fell asleep on the train, she chewed through the lead, jumped off and long story short, she's ok now but for a long time the memories would flood in. The same with my divorce. It was a nasty divorce and the memories were in photographic HD quality. I had personal therapy to talk about the issues with the divorce,and talking about them for me helped them loos their power. Keeping them to myself make them more powerful and more likely to resurface. It's now been 9 years since my divorce and they no longer haunt me.
Iamhere said
Sep 10, 2017
I don't think they ever really go away - at least not in my case. I view them differently or see them for the past and nothing more. I still have moments where I seriously wonder what my life would be life if only......................................................... and then I come to realize I did not cause any of this, I can't cure it and I've endured enough pain/agony to last a lifetime. I try to just stay present and remember this is a disease, not a choice. It's a devastating, damaging horrible disease that I would not wish on an enemy...
It took me years to be able to look at photos of my boys from 'before'. I would break down each/every time and feel sad, mad, angry and confused. Finally, I can look at them and accept where things are today. The photos do bring about (finally) some joy but mostly they are really just photos. I am slowly going through all things in this house and sorted out to downsize. I did not take the photos for me - I have them for them. What they feel or think about them matters not - what they do remind me is that I did my job to the best of my ability.
Hang in there - it does get better with time and recovery. I do recall one day I realized I hadn't gotten 'sad' all day long! I never thought that would happen, yet it did. I can't think of one thing I did differently, it was just a result of using this program and the tools to deal with the affects of the disease and heal. (((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Sep 10, 2017
Hi I found working step 4 through 11 helped me to release the pain associated with the memories, however the memories remain Alanon meetings also help
DavidG said
Sep 10, 2017
I got through my memories by embracing them. There is so much grief and loss- so much lost potential. For a parent the loss of hopes and dreams for a child.
The illness might destroy all of this- or it may not... if our family member does decide to change. Having someone close- a trusted friend and confident is a great asset.
We here have all bin through it ourselves- one way or another... I was never afraid to weep when ah needed to... this got me through, with help...
...take care- you do deserve it...
Jerry F said
Sep 10, 2017
One of the realizations I came to while attending to my recovery in Al-Anon was that as long as I had memory the chaos would continue to happen which ever way it took place. A program friend told me that her counselor told her that for every year married to the alcoholic it would take 2 years to get over. The intensity of the chaos in this disease fixes it self soundly within my mind and emotions. The disease does affect the mind, body, spirit and emotions and often quite negatively. I have not been around my former alcoholic/addict wife for over 25 years and the memories of how the disease affected us still makes me cringe with care.
The disease is intense for many and more intense for others. I am glad for the program. This topic was part of my morning meeting and I have been in attendance since 79.
Keep coming back and bring your memories with you. ((((hugs))))
mamalioness said
Sep 10, 2017
I, too had issues with "won't go away" memories...TALKING and TALKING some more helps me through stuff...I know I have talked a LOT about my sister's death probably because we had such a rocky relationship many times difficult with break ups, my having to distance myself, etc....and yea, I supported her in her ending days, and we made our peace with all that crap....one of our discussions was "why can't I forget the past and what he did???" I told her "how do you forget the event that wrecked my life???" and she , as we talked , SAW what I was saying....too many triggers , when I am sick with ptsd/anxiety, it reminds me of that darkness...when I see stuff on tv, it reminds me of that darkness.....when a man is inappropriate to me or in front of me, it reminds me of that darkness...so i have to talk..vent...share...work through all the triggers that come b4 me and I SEE it not having so much power over me....NO..I will never forget, but I am not dominated by it anymore...I have forgiven me for being a helpless defenseless child.....stuff comes up to bring up yet another bad memory....sister saw it in the end of her days and began to be a big supporter of me....SOME stuff is just too horrid to ever "forget" humans don't "forget" people say "ohhhh forgive and forget" well??? guess what!!! humans are incapable of "forgetting" stuff that messed up their lives.....sometimes we cannot even forgive which is my case...I can and have forgiven pretty much everything and everyone who harmed me, but I cannot forgive my sire and what he did...it was just TOO bad...TOO dark...TOO life damaging for me to ever forgive, but I forgave ME...forgave ME for being helpless..for being with no resources to help me...for being stuck in a spider's web.....I like what Mizz B said to you about talking about it till it doesn't have anymore power over you.....
I think the biggest reason why I took it so badly and had to share as much as i did about my sister's death is because of the hurt and sadness I feel because FINALLY I have the sister i always dreamed of having and she dies.......AND her death triggered a lot of memories...some beautiful...some horrible , not about her but my past and my suffering.....TALK till you don't have to talk anymore about it...and while you are doing that, hang in there with the steps, slogans and positive self talk...staying in the present helps and when you get a bad memory, embrace it and feel the feelings then set a timer on it as to how long you will let it effect you, you are not alone in this......i really relate.......talking, getting support and working my program is my way out.............hugs of support
Bo said
Sep 11, 2017
From my experience, my perspective, etc. -- memories for the most part do not simply go away. They "lessen" in their role, impact, power, so to speak, and so on. They play a lesser role. They become less important and sometimes not important at all in the way they are today. All of this happens...when I get healthy. Sure, the odd memory, I've forgotten, until someone tells a story, and then I remember. That's not relevant.
For me, memories are important. I control how important. I don't let them consume me. I choose, they don't. Some excellent comments here -- thank you.
SerenityRUS said
Sep 12, 2017
Living with an active A or loving one sometimes can be very much life living in a war zone. It brings a lot of trauma. Sights, sounds and smells even a touch can bring stuff up that it's crazy you would think that it was long buried. I think it's about not processing past the fear .. fear of the unknown.
That winds up being stored as trauma .. which at least has been my experience .. while Alanon was great for a lot of things .. the letting go of the memories I actually did trauma therapy and maybe with Alanon that would help process things along faster .. my experience again with EMDR was a very positive one. I can do things today that I couldn't in my 30's because I was just paralyzed by the past. Letting go of a child stuck in this disease .. alanon can help so much with that and work through the parental guilt which may also help the memories.
My son had moved away in Jan 2016 so it has a little over 1 1/2 years since he lived with us. When he did live with us the last 3-4 years were horrible. He was in the wrong crowd with drinkers and he would go on weekends to parties. Finished high school and started college. His first semester he admitted that he was drunk every day. He was horrible to his girlfriend and was drinking hard liquor which made him aggressive. Switched colleges and lived alone. Tried getting him therapy for social anxiety and depression. Just refused to continue seeing the therapist and said he could stop on his own... Lasted about a month and back to it. Just awful. Hard liquor, controlling his girlfriend, urinating in his bed, passing out at school, etc. God brought him through many close calls and each one made him quit for a week or so. Finally realized that hard liquor was turning him into a different person and started on just beer. He would drink a case of beer in a few hours, make his girlfriend go for more, etc. It was just awful. She would wait until he passed out and then leave for college for the week. I could not get anywhere with him. He started commuting to college because he had so much anxiety living alone in his apartment. Tried getting him help so many times. Nothing worked.
So today while in church, all these memories came flooding back. When will they cease??
He has since got a dui and was on probation for a year with no drinking. Now is off of probation and the girlfriend tells me that he talks alot about drinking but so far has not gone back to it. (Same girlfriend- she has not left him- Told me the man she fell inlove with is in there somewhere)
When they met, he was so different. He fell and hit his head on a cement floor face first a few months after they met and since that time (many years ago) he seemed to change. He refused to go to the hospital because he knew he had been drinking.
Just looking for advice on how to close the door and forget these memories.
It took me years to be able to look at photos of my boys from 'before'. I would break down each/every time and feel sad, mad, angry and confused. Finally, I can look at them and accept where things are today. The photos do bring about (finally) some joy but mostly they are really just photos. I am slowly going through all things in this house and sorted out to downsize. I did not take the photos for me - I have them for them. What they feel or think about them matters not - what they do remind me is that I did my job to the best of my ability.
Hang in there - it does get better with time and recovery. I do recall one day I realized I hadn't gotten 'sad' all day long! I never thought that would happen, yet it did. I can't think of one thing I did differently, it was just a result of using this program and the tools to deal with the affects of the disease and heal. (((Hugs)))
I got through my memories by embracing them. There is so much grief and loss- so much lost potential. For a parent the loss of hopes and dreams for a child.
The illness might destroy all of this- or it may not... if our family member does decide to change. Having someone close- a trusted friend and confident is a great asset.
We here have all bin through it ourselves- one way or another... I was never afraid to weep when ah needed to... this got me through, with help...
...take care- you do deserve it...
One of the realizations I came to while attending to my recovery in Al-Anon was that as long as I had memory the chaos would continue to happen which ever way it took place. A program friend told me that her counselor told her that for every year married to the alcoholic it would take 2 years to get over. The intensity of the chaos in this disease fixes it self soundly within my mind and emotions. The disease does affect the mind, body, spirit and emotions and often quite negatively. I have not been around my former alcoholic/addict wife for over 25 years and the memories of how the disease affected us still makes me cringe with care.
The disease is intense for many and more intense for others. I am glad for the program. This topic was part of my morning meeting and I have been in attendance since 79.
Keep coming back and bring your memories with you. ((((hugs))))
I, too had issues with "won't go away" memories...TALKING and TALKING some more helps me through stuff...I know I have talked a LOT about my sister's death probably because we had such a rocky relationship many times difficult with break ups, my having to distance myself, etc....and yea, I supported her in her ending days, and we made our peace with all that crap....one of our discussions was "why can't I forget the past and what he did???" I told her "how do you forget the event that wrecked my life???" and she , as we talked , SAW what I was saying....too many triggers , when I am sick with ptsd/anxiety, it reminds me of that darkness...when I see stuff on tv, it reminds me of that darkness.....when a man is inappropriate to me or in front of me, it reminds me of that darkness...so i have to talk..vent...share...work through all the triggers that come b4 me and I SEE it not having so much power over me....NO..I will never forget, but I am not dominated by it anymore...I have forgiven me for being a helpless defenseless child.....stuff comes up to bring up yet another bad memory....sister saw it in the end of her days and began to be a big supporter of me....SOME stuff is just too horrid to ever "forget" humans don't "forget" people say "ohhhh forgive and forget" well??? guess what!!! humans are incapable of "forgetting" stuff that messed up their lives.....sometimes we cannot even forgive which is my case...I can and have forgiven pretty much everything and everyone who harmed me, but I cannot forgive my sire and what he did...it was just TOO bad...TOO dark...TOO life damaging for me to ever forgive, but I forgave ME...forgave ME for being helpless..for being with no resources to help me...for being stuck in a spider's web.....I like what Mizz B said to you about talking about it till it doesn't have anymore power over you.....
I think the biggest reason why I took it so badly and had to share as much as i did about my sister's death is because of the hurt and sadness I feel because FINALLY I have the sister i always dreamed of having and she dies.......AND her death triggered a lot of memories...some beautiful...some horrible , not about her but my past and my suffering.....TALK till you don't have to talk anymore about it...and while you are doing that, hang in there with the steps, slogans and positive self talk...staying in the present helps and when you get a bad memory, embrace it and feel the feelings then set a timer on it as to how long you will let it effect you, you are not alone in this......i really relate.......talking, getting support and working my program is my way out.............hugs of support
For me, memories are important. I control how important. I don't let them consume me. I choose, they don't. Some excellent comments here -- thank you.
That winds up being stored as trauma .. which at least has been my experience .. while Alanon was great for a lot of things .. the letting go of the memories I actually did trauma therapy and maybe with Alanon that would help process things along faster .. my experience again with EMDR was a very positive one. I can do things today that I couldn't in my 30's because I was just paralyzed by the past. Letting go of a child stuck in this disease .. alanon can help so much with that and work through the parental guilt which may also help the memories.
Hugs S :)