i am in the middle of an upsetting situation with my A. He and our adult son are at odds over something. Essentially son wants to do a project his way and it differs greatly from his dad's way. Son has carefully reasoned out project, and my view is you're an adult and it's your project do what you want. Just be aware that your dad will have reactions. Well, yesterday AH asked me about sons ideas and I told him just a little bit. AH blew up. Cursing and threatening to never go over there, blah, blah, blah. I know that this is a crisis of AHs own making, and I have to allow it to unroll. My question is...how do you maintain your serenity in these situations? He is not speaking to me right now, which is fine. I have nothing to say anyway. But man, am I ever anxious and stressed out bc I usually jump in and try to prevent the crisis. Any esh? Thanks!
Iamhere said
Sep 8, 2017
Welcome to MIP Fergie - glad you found us and glad that you shared. What Al-Anon has taught me is to remove myself as soon as possible from the center of events that are not mine to own. In theory, as soon as my AH asks about one of my boys, I suggest he call them and have a conversation. I have learned that the less I share about what I know and remove myself from the middle position, my serenity is intact.
I don't know if you are going to local Al-Anon meetings or not, but suggest you do if they are available. Many things that I thought were my 'job' as a wife, mother, sister, friend, etc. were really not my job....I have relearned how to be a healthy adult in recovery - which was needed as this disease has affected every element of me - distorted thinking, controlling attitude and actions, mothering, etc.
Keep coming back - glad you are here - know that there is help and hope in recovery!!
SerenityRUS said
Sep 8, 2017
Hugs and welcome Fergie,
It's hard not to have a knee jerk response to the immediate situation at hand. I agree with IAM .. I find that remembering to mind my own business and redirect the question back to the person it's about works best for me. It eliminates any "you said (insert whatever in). I exhausted myself by doing all of the emotional work for everyone in the family because I thought I knew best .. leaving it to the God of my understanding allows me to not be involved and allowing Him to have the outcome leaves me feeling a whole lot less stressed. I have a standard response of I'm sorry you feel that way and moving along to my own stuff. I have a lot less stress and more energy when I'm not trying to fix, meddle, mother and so on.
Alanon has taught me to say what I mean .. mean what I say and do my best not to say it mean.
Hugs S :)
Fergie said
Sep 8, 2017
Thank you! This helps and remembering not to get in the middle and direct his questions to the one involved.
I realized today that my anxiety is about thinking "now I have to deal with/navigate this mess he is creating."
Then I thought, "no, I don't. Its his mess. I can leave it lay out in the open in all of its ugliness and stickiness and just step over it." it's HIS mess, not mine. I can take care of me by asserting that I have no power to help you with this mess. It was your choice to act this way, and you are the only one who can do something about it. And if he continues to cuss and RANT, i can say this is not healthy for me to be involved in, and go in the other room, leave, whatever I need to do to remove myself from HIS drama.
Its not easy, but I know I have to go down this road.
ive never done this before. I always followed those messes with my pooper scooper in hand...
Jerry F said
Sep 8, 2017
Ahhh Fergie...the Pooper Scooper perception! Yeah. That was an automatic for me too as I had learned in early childhood that was my job...my only job...to pick up after my family who it didn't seem had the vision of what they could do and were responsible to do for them selves. I forget where I left my own pooper scooper when I got into Al-Anon and if I ever find it will include it in a yard sale. I'm sure I'm not alone in that compulsion of fetch and fix. Lovely share...lovely. ((((hugs))))
Bo said
Sep 8, 2017
Welcome Fergie...situations like this can be very common. I've faced them many times -- and I've often said the family members and loved ones around the alcoholic are collateral damage to this disease and what it can and does do; not to the alcoholic, but to us!
As far as my serenity in situations like this...after I did the work in this program, I found it easy to maintain my serenity. How? By realizing and truly accepting that it is none of my business. A is mad at B, B may be mad at A, both have feelings, opinions, etc. A is the alcoholic so you can't apply any logic or rational thinking to anything A says, does, etc. I stay out of it. If A is not talking to me, simply because I answered him when he asked about B's plans -- so now he's not talking to me. OK. Sounds like a personal problem. His. Not mine. Acceptance, detach, and let go.
The anxiety you are feeling is because, like you said, you usually "jump in" -- and now you're not! Great for you! That's progress. You are doing what is best and healthiest for you. Now, you can still be there for your son -- but in a healthy and supportive way. Not as a partner or participant in the drama, chaos, turmoil and havoc. You feel anxiety because you are doing something different. Something new. Not the same ol same ol so to speak. Doing something healthy is uncomfortable the first few times -- it is you making change.
Keep doing it!
Fergie said
Sep 9, 2017
Just want to say thank you to all who responded. Your exp, strength, & hope have helped me stay clam and at peace, even though he still is not talking to me. i now know I have to stay the course and the anxiety has been "ridden out." Thanks so much!
mamalioness said
Sep 9, 2017
I used to REact rather the REspond....big difference....now I kinda wait...get quiet in me.....and REMOVE me from the drama....take a walk....get busy on a step....call a friend...or just detach by going to another room, but not getting into the drama....leaving it all up to the universe is the best thing instead of me driving myself into the ground trying to be the peace buffer which is what I did.......and when forced to respond, I jus tsay "sorry you feel that way" and I remove me.....sending hugs of support
i am in the middle of an upsetting situation with my A. He and our adult son are at odds over something. Essentially son wants to do a project his way and it differs greatly from his dad's way. Son has carefully reasoned out project, and my view is you're an adult and it's your project do what you want. Just be aware that your dad will have reactions. Well, yesterday AH asked me about sons ideas and I told him just a little bit. AH blew up. Cursing and threatening to never go over there, blah, blah, blah. I know that this is a crisis of AHs own making, and I have to allow it to unroll. My question is...how do you maintain your serenity in these situations? He is not speaking to me right now, which is fine. I have nothing to say anyway. But man, am I ever anxious and stressed out bc I usually jump in and try to prevent the crisis. Any esh? Thanks!
I don't know if you are going to local Al-Anon meetings or not, but suggest you do if they are available. Many things that I thought were my 'job' as a wife, mother, sister, friend, etc. were really not my job....I have relearned how to be a healthy adult in recovery - which was needed as this disease has affected every element of me - distorted thinking, controlling attitude and actions, mothering, etc.
Keep coming back - glad you are here - know that there is help and hope in recovery!!
It's hard not to have a knee jerk response to the immediate situation at hand. I agree with IAM .. I find that remembering to mind my own business and redirect the question back to the person it's about works best for me. It eliminates any "you said (insert whatever in). I exhausted myself by doing all of the emotional work for everyone in the family because I thought I knew best .. leaving it to the God of my understanding allows me to not be involved and allowing Him to have the outcome leaves me feeling a whole lot less stressed. I have a standard response of I'm sorry you feel that way and moving along to my own stuff. I have a lot less stress and more energy when I'm not trying to fix, meddle, mother and so on.
Alanon has taught me to say what I mean .. mean what I say and do my best not to say it mean.
Hugs S :)
Thank you! This helps and remembering not to get in the middle and direct his questions to the one involved.
I realized today that my anxiety is about thinking "now I have to deal with/navigate this mess he is creating."
Then I thought, "no, I don't. Its his mess. I can leave it lay out in the open in all of its ugliness and stickiness and just step over it." it's HIS mess, not mine. I can take care of me by asserting that I have no power to help you with this mess. It was your choice to act this way, and you are the only one who can do something about it. And if he continues to cuss and RANT, i can say this is not healthy for me to be involved in, and go in the other room, leave, whatever I need to do to remove myself from HIS drama.
Its not easy, but I know I have to go down this road.
ive never done this before. I always followed those messes with my pooper scooper in hand...
Ahhh Fergie...the Pooper Scooper perception! Yeah. That was an automatic for me too as I had learned in early childhood that was my job...my only job...to pick up after my family who it didn't seem had the vision of what they could do and were responsible to do for them selves. I forget where I left my own pooper scooper when I got into Al-Anon and if I ever find it will include it in a yard sale. I'm sure I'm not alone in that compulsion of fetch and fix. Lovely share...lovely. ((((hugs))))
Welcome Fergie...situations like this can be very common. I've faced them many times -- and I've often said the family members and loved ones around the alcoholic are collateral damage to this disease and what it can and does do; not to the alcoholic, but to us!
As far as my serenity in situations like this...after I did the work in this program, I found it easy to maintain my serenity. How? By realizing and truly accepting that it is none of my business. A is mad at B, B may be mad at A, both have feelings, opinions, etc. A is the alcoholic so you can't apply any logic or rational thinking to anything A says, does, etc. I stay out of it. If A is not talking to me, simply because I answered him when he asked about B's plans -- so now he's not talking to me. OK. Sounds like a personal problem. His. Not mine. Acceptance, detach, and let go.
The anxiety you are feeling is because, like you said, you usually "jump in" -- and now you're not! Great for you! That's progress. You are doing what is best and healthiest for you. Now, you can still be there for your son -- but in a healthy and supportive way. Not as a partner or participant in the drama, chaos, turmoil and havoc. You feel anxiety because you are doing something different. Something new. Not the same ol same ol so to speak. Doing something healthy is uncomfortable the first few times -- it is you making change.
Keep doing it!
Just want to say thank you to all who responded. Your exp, strength, & hope have helped me stay clam and at peace, even though he still is not talking to me. i now know I have to stay the course and the anxiety has been "ridden out." Thanks so much!