Dealing With Loneliness after a Separation in Program
Charlotte22 said
Sep 6, 2017
hi There, I am back to al anon after a few years not in program - i live in a town whereby the meetings are few and there is cross talk etc. I have been separated for 1.5 years and I am in a 'Family" town (small city in Canada) and have very few single friends. I am reaching out but i spend way too much time a lone. I have been in a "dark night of the soul" for about a year and I am in therapy now but i know that my HIGHER POWER is there and can help me if I ask. I also have a very small family, one brother and a mother who is 83, my father is deceased. I want so much to feel supported and part of a community but this is not my reality right now. I have to accept God's Will right now. I want to reach out to see what others do with feelings of loneliness. I am also trying to take some classes but even in this city things are very slow to start up...I need find a way to use the program to help with the loneliness. I will also try phone meetings. Any experience, strength and hope? Thanks!!
SerenityRUS said
Sep 6, 2017
Hugs Charlotte,
I am so sorry that you are dealing with the isolation and I can relate to a point .. I'm sure you are talking hundreds vs thousands. I found the best way to help myself deal with the loneliness was to become more active in community things. Church was a big part of my recovery not just Alanon. I found different ways to be a part of something bigger. I am an only child who was raised by an only child who was raised by someone who didn't do family .. so I understand not having family. This is where I created my own sense .. I really came to rely on friends. I was in another state from my mom which is not a bad thing .. lol .. I have 2 kids that are still in the midst of growing. I just encourage you to find a hobby .. something that you enjoy doing that connects you. Even in a large town there is a sense of loneliness that can come on. So it's just important to find your tribe so to speak. I have met amazing people, broadened my horizons and really tried to just put myself out there. It's the best I can do.
Keep coming back here and doing the phone meetings.
Hugs S :)
Aline said
Sep 6, 2017
Hugs, (((Charlotte))), you are not alone. I don't know if it's something that might interest you, but I've heard of Skype meetings being held in my country, so maybe that's something you might want to explore. Regarding taking classes, many universities now provide online courses which are really great, edX is a good platform I've used, but there's not much in the way of communication there, except for some text-chat among students regarding the lessons... Keep coming back :)
Jerry F said
Sep 6, 2017
Aloha Charlotte and welcome back. I appreciate Serenity's feedback; it offers much suggestion. From my experiences Al-Anon fellowship use to provide many get-togethers on holidays and program celebrations where we enjoyed the fellowship a lot. We have one coming up soon here on the Big Island of Hawaii which we do annually. It's fun and we get to show off our cooking and art skills and such. Often I enjoy my "quiet time" which is a different way of looking at loneliness as it is mostly me and my higher power doing life. The consequences of a divorce and separation for me was also traumatic because alcoholic relationships are really intense and tend to mark us forever. Just this last week I restarted my concern for my former alcoholic/addict wife as my mind decided it would look back over that experience. I find I still care which is good while also recognizing I am still powerless. Get a lunch or brunch going for your local group and have some laughs. Keep coming back also. ((((hugs))))
Freetime said
Sep 6, 2017
Hi Charlotte, one thing I have done that gives me more human connections is volunteering. I found causes in my community that need help that fits with my skills and abilities.
Al-Anon service is great, but if that is not a good match for you, there could be other opportunities. If you are passionate about something -- animals, the elderly, children, the environment, the arts, whatever -- there may be an organization that needs help. Now, of course, the people we meet in these endeavors we may like some of them better than others ... but I have increased my sense of belonging and self-worth by volunteering.
Iamhere said
Sep 6, 2017
Good to see you again Charlotte - I've done the online meetings here (morning and night) when I've been unable to go out/get to local meetings. I also do a ton of volunteering as well as work with others in recovery. I am sorry you are feeling so isolated and hope you find support any way you can - online, telephone, etc.
(((Hugs))) - we always have the porch light on here!!
Bo said
Sep 6, 2017
Welcome Charlotte...I hear you about the loneliness aspect. I battled it for a long time -- and still do. I lived in Canada when I was younger, both in Montreal, and Ontario, so I know how rural, desolate, small-town, isolated, etc., it can be. I also know how when there are very few meetings, they can get informal, lose their structure, and cross-talk can take over. In short, I hear you and I get it.
As far as support, part of a community, etc. -- as far as program -- you can look at this forum, online and chat room meetings, and telephone meetings. I would also spike up your readings from ODAT and Courage To Change, and look for telephone friends/buddies. Also, do you have a sponsor? Look to and lean on him/her. I am lucky in that there are several dozen meetings in the county where I live now -- morning, afternoon, evening, all different sizes, etc. -- but for those who don't have that, there are plenty of resources and alternatives.
Are you also talking about and looking to not be alone outside the program as well? Being alone can be OK, and it is an opportunity to grow, and live a better and healthy life. You can be powerless and surrender -- and then you can get through it. Look at focusing on YOU. Have a great night.
shrnp said
Sep 6, 2017
Hello Charlotte,
I spend a lot of time alone and understand the depression that comes with that. I am disabled and cannot get out very much. I do not know if what I have to say you can relate to but part of overcoming the depression for me was acceptance that it is alright if I am not like other people. I use to feel pressured by my ex-Abf who thought we had to be on the go all the time. The friends I had were his and I just felt like I could not be myself. Now, I just keep my mind occupied, you can do a lot from home if you have the Internet. My depression was so great that now anything that keeps me from feeling bad about myself works wonders. I read a lot, and participate in online discussion. If you have an interest there is probably a online group for it. I even started playing video games. You can take free college course from MIT even. Exercise is great for depression and eating healthy. I hope you feel better I always like reading the Just for Today poem for inspiration.
mamalioness said
Sep 7, 2017
Hi Charlotte...sorry that you are having a hard time now, I don't think any Higher Power would want us to be (as we are social animals) to be lonely.....When i first separated, i had a similiar hard time....alanon meet that was open was just one clique run by a few "alphas" and they were horrible....I had to go online....to get out of the lonliness thingy ( I am introvert, but do crave human, SAFE human affection and companionship) so I joined a tennis and swim club and made friends....then it closed and I now joined a gym where I can play basketball and swim....I'm not big into people, but the few safe sweet ones I DO have in my life, I hang out and enjoy their company....Program shows us how to take care of ourselves but ya know?? I can read a cookbook cover to cover and still starve to death if I don't get up and COOK....do what I have learned...Practice what I learn......it will work out....separations are tough....Love yourself, do nice things for you, and when you are out in the public, flash a smile at faces that look safe to do so, lol and let the chips fall where they may.....Glad you stopped in.....
hi There, I am back to al anon after a few years not in program - i live in a town whereby the meetings are few and there is cross talk etc. I have been separated for 1.5 years and I am in a 'Family" town (small city in Canada) and have very few single friends. I am reaching out but i spend way too much time a lone. I have been in a "dark night of the soul" for about a year and I am in therapy now but i know that my HIGHER POWER is there and can help me if I ask. I also have a very small family, one brother and a mother who is 83, my father is deceased. I want so much to feel supported and part of a community but this is not my reality right now. I have to accept God's Will right now. I want to reach out to see what others do with feelings of loneliness. I am also trying to take some classes but even in this city things are very slow to start up...I need find a way to use the program to help with the loneliness. I will also try phone meetings. Any experience, strength and hope? Thanks!!
I am so sorry that you are dealing with the isolation and I can relate to a point .. I'm sure you are talking hundreds vs thousands. I found the best way to help myself deal with the loneliness was to become more active in community things. Church was a big part of my recovery not just Alanon. I found different ways to be a part of something bigger. I am an only child who was raised by an only child who was raised by someone who didn't do family .. so I understand not having family. This is where I created my own sense .. I really came to rely on friends. I was in another state from my mom which is not a bad thing .. lol .. I have 2 kids that are still in the midst of growing. I just encourage you to find a hobby .. something that you enjoy doing that connects you. Even in a large town there is a sense of loneliness that can come on. So it's just important to find your tribe so to speak. I have met amazing people, broadened my horizons and really tried to just put myself out there. It's the best I can do.
Keep coming back here and doing the phone meetings.
Hugs S :)
Aloha Charlotte and welcome back. I appreciate Serenity's feedback; it offers much suggestion. From my experiences Al-Anon fellowship use to provide many get-togethers on holidays and program celebrations where we enjoyed the fellowship a lot. We have one coming up soon here on the Big Island of Hawaii which we do annually. It's fun and we get to show off our cooking and art skills and such. Often I enjoy my "quiet time" which is a different way of looking at loneliness as it is mostly me and my higher power doing life. The consequences of a divorce and separation for me was also traumatic because alcoholic relationships are really intense and tend to mark us forever. Just this last week I restarted my concern for my former alcoholic/addict wife as my mind decided it would look back over that experience. I find I still care which is good while also recognizing I am still powerless. Get a lunch or brunch going for your local group and have some laughs. Keep coming back also. ((((hugs))))
Al-Anon service is great, but if that is not a good match for you, there could be other opportunities. If you are passionate about something -- animals, the elderly, children, the environment, the arts, whatever -- there may be an organization that needs help. Now, of course, the people we meet in these endeavors we may like some of them better than others ... but I have increased my sense of belonging and self-worth by volunteering.
(((Hugs))) - we always have the porch light on here!!
Welcome Charlotte...I hear you about the loneliness aspect. I battled it for a long time -- and still do. I lived in Canada when I was younger, both in Montreal, and Ontario, so I know how rural, desolate, small-town, isolated, etc., it can be. I also know how when there are very few meetings, they can get informal, lose their structure, and cross-talk can take over. In short, I hear you and I get it.
As far as support, part of a community, etc. -- as far as program -- you can look at this forum, online and chat room meetings, and telephone meetings. I would also spike up your readings from ODAT and Courage To Change, and look for telephone friends/buddies. Also, do you have a sponsor? Look to and lean on him/her. I am lucky in that there are several dozen meetings in the county where I live now -- morning, afternoon, evening, all different sizes, etc. -- but for those who don't have that, there are plenty of resources and alternatives.
Are you also talking about and looking to not be alone outside the program as well? Being alone can be OK, and it is an opportunity to grow, and live a better and healthy life. You can be powerless and surrender -- and then you can get through it. Look at focusing on YOU. Have a great night.
I spend a lot of time alone and understand the depression that comes with that. I am disabled and cannot get out very much. I do not know if what I have to say you can relate to but part of overcoming the depression for me was acceptance that it is alright if I am not like other people. I use to feel pressured by my ex-Abf who thought we had to be on the go all the time. The friends I had were his and I just felt like I could not be myself. Now, I just keep my mind occupied, you can do a lot from home if you have the Internet. My depression was so great that now anything that keeps me from feeling bad about myself works wonders. I read a lot, and participate in online discussion. If you have an interest there is probably a online group for it. I even started playing video games. You can take free college course from MIT even. Exercise is great for depression and eating healthy. I hope you feel better I always like reading the Just for Today poem for inspiration.
Hi Charlotte...sorry that you are having a hard time now, I don't think any Higher Power would want us to be (as we are social animals) to be lonely.....When i first separated, i had a similiar hard time....alanon meet that was open was just one clique run by a few "alphas" and they were horrible....I had to go online....to get out of the lonliness thingy ( I am introvert, but do crave human, SAFE human affection and companionship) so I joined a tennis and swim club and made friends....then it closed and I now joined a gym where I can play basketball and swim....I'm not big into people, but the few safe sweet ones I DO have in my life, I hang out and enjoy their company....Program shows us how to take care of ourselves but ya know?? I can read a cookbook cover to cover and still starve to death if I don't get up and COOK....do what I have learned...Practice what I learn......it will work out....separations are tough....Love yourself, do nice things for you, and when you are out in the public, flash a smile at faces that look safe to do so, lol and let the chips fall where they may.....Glad you stopped in.....