My bf has been sober for over a year. We were in therapy for a while when I discovered he was messaging other women on tinder. At the advice of both our therapist, I started Al-AnoN. He is no different from when he was drinking I am trying to work through the whole "Of you sober up a horse thief, he's still a horse thief" thing. I don't know how to know if or when I should leave His son lives with us and adds a new dimension. It would destroy him if we separate. I feel stuck. I have a lot of debt incurred from his addictio. While sober even. I don't know what to do.
Mattie said
Sep 5, 2017
I'm sorry you're in this situation and glad you have found us. Many addicts substitute another addiction (such as chasing sex) for the one they've quit. Of course there are also just people with bad behavior. How old is the son, if I may ask? I hope your partner is not as poor a father as he is a partner.
Bo said
Sep 6, 2017
Welcome safire...being that you are "in it" and questioning what to do, when, etc. -- and there are numerous issues you are trying to get a handle on, so that you can make a decision -- the next step for you is to "keep coming back" so to speak.
What that means is -- go to face to face meetings. As many as you can. All of the answers you are looking for will present themselves to you in the meeting rooms of al-anon. Find a sponsor, ASAP. And, start doing the work. Start the process -- for you to get better and get healthy. You will then be in a place of clear-headed thinking, a place of clarity and focus, a place of being healthy, where you can make decisions -- educated, informed, quality, healthy decisions. You will be able to make decisions from a place of intelligence and intellect, not a place of confusion, sickness, fear, and so forth.
All the best.
Skorpi said
Sep 6, 2017
Welcome Safire!
My wife was dry off and on, but rejected recovery in the past. She's now 2+ years into recovery, actively not drinking and actively working on her own recovery every day. She is still making progress, and the result is noticeable in her behavior changes every 3-5 months or so. One year into recovery, she was still acting like a dry drunk. She still does sometimes, but less frequently and with less intensity as she works on her own recovery.
AlAnon was a real life saver for me. Working my program helped me gain the clarity to know what I wanted, what I needed, and what I was and was not willing to put up with. I am glad that you found your way here, and I hope that you find some really good face-to-face meetings to go to as well. For me, at the beginning, showing up (here and at face-to-face meetings) was the hardest part. I always was glad I did, though, and I always got something that I needed at meetings. AlAnon helped me to focus on the only person I can change: myself. It helped me to get healthy, to identify my priorities, and to know when I was ready to make important decisions. The same can be true for you. The program works when we work it. Keep coming back (((hugs)))
SerenityRUS said
Sep 6, 2017
Welcome,
So glad you are here, just like the rest of the folks here I encourage you to get to as many face to face meetings as you can and just start taking care of you.
Ironically my deal breaker was not the drinking it was actually the infidelity that is such an individual choice and only you know how you feel about that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. There are a few things I will suggest strongly for ANYONE in a relationship with a partner who is having multiple sex partners. If you are going to continue to engage sexually, practice safe sex first and foremost and please get tested regularly. I do know a few women (my friend base is pretty much 100% women) who have gotten STD's from their spouses/sig others. As uncomfortable as it is the reality is that the STD's of today's world are easily cured by antibiotics. So please DO get tested.
My answers to leave was the right answer for me and I do not regret those decisions. I have found when someone is not ready then it creates self doubt as to what is right for themselves. So when in doubt .. don't. It is so much better to leave with a plan as well as knowing how to leave.
Hugs S :)
tiredtonite said
Sep 6, 2017
Hi safire_sun welcome. Glad you found us and hope you'll keep coming back. Along with the suggestion of finding in person alanon meetings, we also have online meetings at this site which can be helpful too. In my humble opinion, in person meetings are best because nothing replaces in person hugs (your choice to receive or not receive them), hearing others voices as they share and the chance to spend a little in person time after the meeting with others in Alanon for in person fellowship to feel less alone.
You are wondering how the choices you want to make will affect your future and that of others in your house. Going to meetings and listening and learning more about the Alanon program can be a good start to finding answers that will work for you. Although our sharing of our own situations can sound very similiar, Alanon is a recovery program of self discovery that encourages finding life solutions that work for you personally. We don't advise people to leave or to stay with the alcoholic in their life. There's hope and recovery for us at Alanon meetings which can be a real gift for helping us to live a fuller life. ((hugs))) TT
Bo said
Sep 6, 2017
For me, my experience, my perspective -- I was always able to find excuses, denials, deflections, etc., to not do something I was afraid of. To not do something uncomfortable. Whether it was to leave, establish a boundary, say no, not enable, doesn't matter. I was always able to rationalize and justify whatever I wanted. It was denial!
Again, from my perspective, experience, etc. -- it was not about the cheating/infidelity, the drinking, the sobriety, and so on. It was not about any of that.
It -- the entire thing -- was about ME. It was about "Nothing changes if nothing changes" and I can only make change with me, for me, about me. I can only change me. It was about me not accepting unacceptable behavior. It was about me not tolerating the intolerable. It was about me not making the unbearable bearable. It was all about me. It was about me getting to the point where I wanted to get better and get healthy. No matter what. I had to hit my rock bottom. I had to want to get better more than anything in the world. The pain of doing nothing had to be worse, more painful, than the perceived, expected, feared pain of doing something.
As far as my daughter -- and to clarify, she is not my biological daughter, she is the daughter of my ex-gf -- that was absolutely a factor. It's a discussion for another time, but she was a major factor. So, from my experience, what I learned -- when I focused on me and did the work -- was that every child needs one sane and healthy parent. I had to be that parent! That a child knows, sees, hears, and feels a lot more than we think. We are blind to some of what a child is not blind to. A child is better off coming from and leaving a broken home than living in and growing up in one...and the fear of the so called broken home is not really a broken home. It's a better home. A better life. A healthy life. There's more, but I'll stop here for now.
Iamhere said
Sep 6, 2017
safire_sun - I too send you a welcome to MIP. I too encourage you to seek out recovery through Al-Anon....my experience is it helped me way more than professional help simply because I could get ESH (experience, strength and hope) from several people who actually lived through what I was experiencing.
In Al-Anon, we learn to take back our power and put us first. We do not give advice - instead share ESH and allow each of us the journey we build based on the tools/steps/program. As a person - set aside recovery - I take great offense to infidelity....I have had suspicions but never proof here and learned in recovery to manage with facts more than my emotions/feelings.
What I do know is that each imperfect person living life has a different moral compass and a different breaking point. I do believe that your answers will come for you if you keep working on yourself and get to the other side of the pain. I hope you'll put your first and try some meetings - it certainly helped me.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone!!
Wolfie55 said
Sep 6, 2017
Welcome Safire. You just found a bunch of men and women who understand maybe not the specifics of what you're going through, but in a general way we get it. We have all been there. Hang around. Get to know some of the gals. They're pretty smart cookies, they are. If you're able to, find a face to face meeting.
My bf has been sober for over a year. We were in therapy for a while when I discovered he was messaging other women on tinder. At the advice of both our therapist, I started Al-AnoN. He is no different from when he was drinking I am trying to work through the whole "Of you sober up a horse thief, he's still a horse thief" thing. I don't know how to know if or when I should leave His son lives with us and adds a new dimension. It would destroy him if we separate. I feel stuck. I have a lot of debt incurred from his addictio. While sober even. I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry you're in this situation and glad you have found us. Many addicts substitute another addiction (such as chasing sex) for the one they've quit. Of course there are also just people with bad behavior. How old is the son, if I may ask? I hope your partner is not as poor a father as he is a partner.
What that means is -- go to face to face meetings. As many as you can. All of the answers you are looking for will present themselves to you in the meeting rooms of al-anon. Find a sponsor, ASAP. And, start doing the work. Start the process -- for you to get better and get healthy. You will then be in a place of clear-headed thinking, a place of clarity and focus, a place of being healthy, where you can make decisions -- educated, informed, quality, healthy decisions. You will be able to make decisions from a place of intelligence and intellect, not a place of confusion, sickness, fear, and so forth.
All the best.
My wife was dry off and on, but rejected recovery in the past. She's now 2+ years into recovery, actively not drinking and actively working on her own recovery every day. She is still making progress, and the result is noticeable in her behavior changes every 3-5 months or so. One year into recovery, she was still acting like a dry drunk. She still does sometimes, but less frequently and with less intensity as she works on her own recovery.
AlAnon was a real life saver for me. Working my program helped me gain the clarity to know what I wanted, what I needed, and what I was and was not willing to put up with. I am glad that you found your way here, and I hope that you find some really good face-to-face meetings to go to as well. For me, at the beginning, showing up (here and at face-to-face meetings) was the hardest part. I always was glad I did, though, and I always got something that I needed at meetings. AlAnon helped me to focus on the only person I can change: myself. It helped me to get healthy, to identify my priorities, and to know when I was ready to make important decisions. The same can be true for you. The program works when we work it. Keep coming back (((hugs)))
So glad you are here, just like the rest of the folks here I encourage you to get to as many face to face meetings as you can and just start taking care of you.
Ironically my deal breaker was not the drinking it was actually the infidelity that is such an individual choice and only you know how you feel about that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. There are a few things I will suggest strongly for ANYONE in a relationship with a partner who is having multiple sex partners. If you are going to continue to engage sexually, practice safe sex first and foremost and please get tested regularly. I do know a few women (my friend base is pretty much 100% women) who have gotten STD's from their spouses/sig others. As uncomfortable as it is the reality is that the STD's of today's world are easily cured by antibiotics. So please DO get tested.
My answers to leave was the right answer for me and I do not regret those decisions. I have found when someone is not ready then it creates self doubt as to what is right for themselves. So when in doubt .. don't. It is so much better to leave with a plan as well as knowing how to leave.
Hugs S :)
Hi safire_sun welcome. Glad you found us and hope you'll keep coming back. Along with the suggestion of finding in person alanon meetings, we also have online meetings at this site which can be helpful too. In my humble opinion, in person meetings are best because nothing replaces in person hugs (your choice to receive or not receive them), hearing others voices as they share and the chance to spend a little in person time after the meeting with others in Alanon for in person fellowship to feel less alone.
You are wondering how the choices you want to make will affect your future and that of others in your house. Going to meetings and listening and learning more about the Alanon program can be a good start to finding answers that will work for you. Although our sharing of our own situations can sound very similiar, Alanon is a recovery program of self discovery that encourages finding life solutions that work for you personally. We don't advise people to leave or to stay with the alcoholic in their life. There's hope and recovery for us at Alanon meetings which can be a real gift for helping us to live a fuller life. ((hugs))) TT
Again, from my perspective, experience, etc. -- it was not about the cheating/infidelity, the drinking, the sobriety, and so on. It was not about any of that.
It -- the entire thing -- was about ME. It was about "Nothing changes if nothing changes" and I can only make change with me, for me, about me. I can only change me. It was about me not accepting unacceptable behavior. It was about me not tolerating the intolerable. It was about me not making the unbearable bearable. It was all about me. It was about me getting to the point where I wanted to get better and get healthy. No matter what. I had to hit my rock bottom. I had to want to get better more than anything in the world. The pain of doing nothing had to be worse, more painful, than the perceived, expected, feared pain of doing something.
As far as my daughter -- and to clarify, she is not my biological daughter, she is the daughter of my ex-gf -- that was absolutely a factor. It's a discussion for another time, but she was a major factor. So, from my experience, what I learned -- when I focused on me and did the work -- was that every child needs one sane and healthy parent. I had to be that parent! That a child knows, sees, hears, and feels a lot more than we think. We are blind to some of what a child is not blind to. A child is better off coming from and leaving a broken home than living in and growing up in one...and the fear of the so called broken home is not really a broken home. It's a better home. A better life. A healthy life. There's more, but I'll stop here for now.
In Al-Anon, we learn to take back our power and put us first. We do not give advice - instead share ESH and allow each of us the journey we build based on the tools/steps/program. As a person - set aside recovery - I take great offense to infidelity....I have had suspicions but never proof here and learned in recovery to manage with facts more than my emotions/feelings.
What I do know is that each imperfect person living life has a different moral compass and a different breaking point. I do believe that your answers will come for you if you keep working on yourself and get to the other side of the pain. I hope you'll put your first and try some meetings - it certainly helped me.
Please keep coming back - you are not alone!!