Just had another Ah moment, reading posts here. I am not sure if I am on the right direction on this but your feed back would be good.
The alcoholic uses any distractions: yelling, screaming, blaming, swearing, hitting, call downs, saying your crazy, degrading you, threatening to hurt you, smashing things, gossip about others, religion talk (in my home) creating any type of noise to distract from the problem= their alcohol use. They do not want to deal with their truth which is alcoholism, as they fear it, so they use any distractions available to avoid looking at the problem=alcohol use.
In turn, you become so distracted by all the crazy making, you can not focus on yourself or on what the real problem is= alcoholism, because if you are able to focus on what the problem is, you will take action to remove yourself and in turn the alcoholic has to be alone and that is what he/she fears the most, being alone with the problem and having to face the monster.
So my solution is to NOT focus on the noise the alcoholic is making to distract me but to remove myself from the house, or room when the noise starts, so I can protect myself from the insanity.
I am not sure if this makes any sense.
joker said
Sep 4, 2017
the noise the alcoholic uses paralyzes me so I am not able to take any action. I am tired of being paralyzed. It seems my whole life, I have been paralyzed by fear, fear of being alone and I will tolerate a lot of BS, I mean a lot, because I am so scared. I am so needy. I know the alcoholic can not give me what I need, so its my responsibility to get my needs met elsewhere, but somehow my actions does not reflect this truth and I stay paralyzed in misery!
joker said
Sep 4, 2017
I get scared because the drunken behavior is loud, exaggerated,huge and over the top, and like a child, I become paralyzed in fear and tolerate the BS. I let the noise being mad scare the hell out of me. The alcohol makes the user bigger, wiser, than what they are in sobriety. (In my home, anyways) In sobriety, they usually are quite, meek, closed down, scared, withdrawn, ect.
For me I need to remove myself from the drunken behaviors and seek sanity, till the other person that is quite, meek, withdrawn, returns back to earth. Its like the A is up in the clouds and then hits the earth with a crash. I have to maintain consistency in my life and emotions as the A is unable to.
I have to learn the word detach, detach, detach, save myself!
Jerry F said
Sep 4, 2017
J you are becoming aware of how the disease works around you and your alcoholic and how both of you use it. It is a two party disease and read again what you are describing especially the "your" part. You can do something about the "your" part and the first thing I learn to do came from that section of the Serenity Prayer "the courage to change the things I can". practicing courage was the second thing after I found out what I was doing that needed changing. Take it slow with help and support and a sponsor worked really well for me including my VA therapist.
Distractions are a tool for both sides and it is also called deflection because no one likes to go thru what this disease puts us thru. The alcoholic/addict in my life didn't like going thru the drama and catastrophe any more than I did. She would have rather it all disappear as I did and we went thru it anyway in our own time and speed.
I learned boundaries and she did also most of them life saving because the threats and behaviors are real...insane but real. Slogans helped because they were short and easy to remember and hold on to. "Love cannot exist without some dimension of justice" was a great one for me which help me to deflect anger and resentment both to me and from me. That distracted my negative emotions.
((((hugs))))
hotrod said
Sep 4, 2017
Great Share Joker and a powerful awareness. Detaching from the noise and confusion as best you can and taking care of yourself in the process is the first order of business .Keep on showing up and taking care of yourself.
el-cee said
Sep 4, 2017
I hear you. The disease has the power to paralysed me to. I was paralysed by it last week. It's fear and I understand how horrible it feels. The difference is I've got a program of recovery now and you know what the more I use it the more it becomes more powerful than alcoholism and I'm not paralysed for long. Huge difference. Your on the right path to freedom from this. Looking deeper at your reactions. Look also at how strong you have been. It's like living with a monster that lives in our own heads. It's not beat you yet. Your calling it out now looking at it and if you keep up towards the truth the monster shrinks and loses its power. You talk about feeling like a child and the battle with the inner child. Your so right. It's at the root of this for us. In fact alanon says or maybe aa it's child calling to child. The inner child needs to shut the hell up now. It's serious adult time now. Time to look at this the real truth of it. No arguing reasoning begging pacifying in the world can fix this. Time for change. Get yourself as much literature as you can like detaching or how alanon works at. Dirt cheap from the website and study it until you truly believe it then start doing it. Meetings sponsor. You can do this. Life is meant to be enjoyed your free to chose what makes you happy. The danger for us is sometimes the excitement and misery makes us happy in a perversed way. I hope you get clarity. You deserve it.
Junenine said
Sep 4, 2017
certainly makes sense to me!
Bo said
Sep 5, 2017
Excellent share. In my opinion, from my experience and perspective -- I think you are exactly right in your observation(s). I have long called it -- deflections, distractions and denial. The end result -- it tells me that the alcoholic/addict does NOT want to get better. They deflect and distract from the real issue, the real problem -- because they don't want to change, get better, quit, and don't want to address it at all. This is 100% denial. So they have to deflect and distract from "the truth" so to speak -- because it is not their truth. Of course this is not something to oversimplify, but in every scenario, situation, discussion, etc. -- there comes a point where the alcoholic/addict either wants to or doesn't want to get better. Period.
I don't mean get better "their way" or "how they want to do it" or anything of the like. I mean get better. Period.
Also, while there may be this "clouds" and "earth" label -- it doesn't matter to me. I have to make sure no matter "where" the alcoholic/addict is, I do NOT try to engage, negotiate, control, fix, etc. I was always tempted to do so -- to plead, to discuss, to try and help or fix, etc., when they were rational, meek, quiet, back on earth (LOL), or whatever.
Just had another Ah moment, reading posts here. I am not sure if I am on the right direction on this but your feed back would be good.
The alcoholic uses any distractions: yelling, screaming, blaming, swearing, hitting, call downs, saying your crazy, degrading you, threatening to hurt you, smashing things, gossip about others, religion talk (in my home) creating any type of noise to distract from the problem= their alcohol use. They do not want to deal with their truth which is alcoholism, as they fear it, so they use any distractions available to avoid looking at the problem=alcohol use.
In turn, you become so distracted by all the crazy making, you can not focus on yourself or on what the real problem is= alcoholism, because if you are able to focus on what the problem is, you will take action to remove yourself and in turn the alcoholic has to be alone and that is what he/she fears the most, being alone with the problem and having to face the monster.
So my solution is to NOT focus on the noise the alcoholic is making to distract me but to remove myself from the house, or room when the noise starts, so I can protect myself from the insanity.
I am not sure if this makes any sense.
the noise the alcoholic uses paralyzes me so I am not able to take any action. I am tired of being paralyzed. It seems my whole life, I have been paralyzed by fear, fear of being alone and I will tolerate a lot of BS, I mean a lot, because I am so scared. I am so needy. I know the alcoholic can not give me what I need, so its my responsibility to get my needs met elsewhere, but somehow my actions does not reflect this truth and I stay paralyzed in misery!
I get scared because the drunken behavior is loud, exaggerated,huge and over the top, and like a child, I become paralyzed in fear and tolerate the BS. I let the noise being mad scare the hell out of me. The alcohol makes the user bigger, wiser, than what they are in sobriety. (In my home, anyways) In sobriety, they usually are quite, meek, closed down, scared, withdrawn, ect.
For me I need to remove myself from the drunken behaviors and seek sanity, till the other person that is quite, meek, withdrawn, returns back to earth. Its like the A is up in the clouds and then hits the earth with a crash. I have to maintain consistency in my life and emotions as the A is unable to.
I have to learn the word detach, detach, detach, save myself!
J you are becoming aware of how the disease works around you and your alcoholic and how both of you use it. It is a two party disease and read again what you are describing especially the "your" part. You can do something about the "your" part and the first thing I learn to do came from that section of the Serenity Prayer "the courage to change the things I can". practicing courage was the second thing after I found out what I was doing that needed changing. Take it slow with help and support and a sponsor worked really well for me including my VA therapist.
Distractions are a tool for both sides and it is also called deflection because no one likes to go thru what this disease puts us thru. The alcoholic/addict in my life didn't like going thru the drama and catastrophe any more than I did. She would have rather it all disappear as I did and we went thru it anyway in our own time and speed.
I learned boundaries and she did also most of them life saving because the threats and behaviors are real...insane but real. Slogans helped because they were short and easy to remember and hold on to. "Love cannot exist without some dimension of justice" was a great one for me which help me to deflect anger and resentment both to me and from me. That distracted my negative emotions.
((((hugs))))
Great Share Joker and a powerful awareness. Detaching from the noise and confusion as best you can and taking care of yourself in the process is the first order of business .Keep on showing up and taking care of yourself.
certainly makes sense to me!
I don't mean get better "their way" or "how they want to do it" or anything of the like. I mean get better. Period.
Also, while there may be this "clouds" and "earth" label -- it doesn't matter to me. I have to make sure no matter "where" the alcoholic/addict is, I do NOT try to engage, negotiate, control, fix, etc. I was always tempted to do so -- to plead, to discuss, to try and help or fix, etc., when they were rational, meek, quiet, back on earth (LOL), or whatever.
Thanks for sharing.