Its been awhile since I posted. I have been working on me. I am attneding meetings and seeing a therapist. I am seeing progress. I left the abf last weekend for the whole weekend and went to a hotel for the night as I had enough. It was bliss. I just could not tolerate the hell and the drunken abuse anymore. I had to get my sanity and did reach out by telephone to another al-anon member. I also went and looked at an apartment. These are all huge steps for me. I have not moved out of my home yet. The ABF has been sober but I am noticing he is very lethargic. No motivation what so ever. He sleeps till 2 to 3pm and gets up. Meanwhile I have been on the go already. I have been de- cluttering the house. I find de-cluttering helps me and I feel a sense of calm and organization. This is also helping me see what is it that I need to take with me should I need to pack up and move. It feels empowering. I am working hard on keeping the focus on me and leave the house when he gets angry like he did yesterday, I just left the house, no discussion, nothing, just left. He called me later and said I need to be patient as he is just trying to sober up! I have no patience, this is BS. Its the same old same old. Get your act together and face reality is what I wanted to scream at him!
The cycle I see is-use and talk to self for hours on end like he is nuts...completely nuts. Off the wall! gets angry, abuses, follows me, abuses me, drives me nuts
Then he sleeps, sleeps, eat, sleep for 3 days at a time
Then he sleeps, eats, watches TV, like a zombie, and sleeps some more
Sleeps, eat and watches TV, maybe leave the house for bit to get groceries, so some errands watch TV and sleeps some more
Then when he is fired up, rested, starts drinking again
Its all about him, him, him. I feel I am not even in the picture at all. I feel I live in a mental health facility. I have come to see him as being mentally ill, like a mental health patient. I have referred to my house as the mental health hospital, as the patient is either going off the wall or its dead quite, as the patient is sleeping.
I hate this life, I feel I am invisible to him. If I were to have an affair, he would be blind to it as he is out to lunch, constantly! He is not present at all, he is not functioning at all, even when he is sober! he is out to lunch! He might as well not be in the house! He looks like a piece of furniture to me, a lump sitting on the couch, not responding, not living! He only says anything when he has to, and then he goes from quite to anger so quick! Up/down/up/down/ in emotions. From dead quite to anger outburst to calm again! Its like he is sleeping his life away. He is in for a shock of his life when he has to get back to work! Reality is here! What have you been doing? Where have you been? I am disgusted with him!!
I have to be functional, doing something, not just sit and be a lump on the couch! He is a grown man and that is all he does, sleep and sit on couch and watch TV, I am disgusted, disgusted by this behavior! I want a man that is ambitious, functional, present, living! I can not even look at him as I am so angry, disgusted by his behaviors of poor me! Poor me! Get a life! Get it together! I hate, hate laziness!
I had to vent this out! Thanks for letting me share this.
Freetime said
Sep 3, 2017
Joker, thank you for sharing the wonderful steps you are taking. I felt exactly the same when I was living with the disease ... only I thought I was in a haunted house instead of a mental hospital ... I think your viewpoint is healthier
I also love de-cluttering. By getting rid of what I don't need, I can see what I need and want in my life today.
You are doing great! Please keep us posted.
-- Edited by Freetime on Sunday 3rd of September 2017 12:36:00 PM
Iamhere said
Sep 3, 2017
(((Joker))) - love that you're working on you, keeping the focus there, meetings, etc. Vent anytime - I know it makes me feel better to do it!!!
Sending you tons of peaceful thoughts and prayers. Keep coming back - I also am decluttering....it's very productive and freeing but goodness - I really need to rethink this whole packrat thing I got going on...*sigh*
(((Hugs)))
joker said
Sep 3, 2017
I managed to get the basement de-cluttered..the abf, did nothing to help, he was to tired...tired from what, doing nothing, just sitting and watching tv and being in self pity mode...i hate laziness..especially when he is able bodied and can do something. He is a waste of time...grrr
Bo said
Sep 4, 2017
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Focus on YOU. Do what you need to do for YOU, what is best, what is healthy for YOU.
Stay on your side of the street. Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 4th of September 2017 12:17:57 AM
Iamhere said
Sep 4, 2017
Hey Joker - I am grateful to get through my 'stuff' without help...my AH is a pitcher and I'm a pack-rat. The two of us on a declutter project would be a recipe for disaster as we see and view things so differently. Hang in there, one day at a time!!
Flyfree said
Sep 4, 2017
Hi Joker,. I can really relate to what you are going through. I just recently had to remove myself from home to begin to regain my own sanity. I have found that NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES. I know my AH is not ready willing or able to change right now. I can't make him change. The only answer for me is to change ME. It will be 1 week tomorrow since I left and went to a hotel with my stuff and the cat. I have spoken to my AH since leaving. He says he wants to change and thinks he knows best in how to do it. Denial is such a powerful component of this disease. I had arranged a 30 day rehab stay paid at 100 percent. No out of pocket expense. I was going to take him, on the day to go he wasn't ready, so he said he would get himself there when he was ready. Not going to happen yet because the pain of stopping isn't greater than the pain of the thought of going into a program. He hasn't hit his bottom. I have got my bottom. I am tired of the merry go round. Don't get me wrong I love my husband and wish he could take the steps to get his life back on track. I had to decide what I needed to do for me because he has stopped thinking and caring about my needs. I am responsible for me today. He has to be responsible for himself. He has been given the resources to act on if he is willing. I realize he is in full addiction mode and will need a moment of clarity to begin making decisions. He has been through recovery programs before 14 years clean and sober, till 15 months ago. now he needs one day, one moment to get started on willingness. I pray he gets there. I cannot live my days paralyzed waiting for that day to come. I am trusting in my HP today. I am working on my recovery today. Learning and using the tools progress not perfection. One day at a time. Keep coming back.
Its been awhile since I posted. I have been working on me. I am attneding meetings and seeing a therapist. I am seeing progress. I left the abf last weekend for the whole weekend and went to a hotel for the night as I had enough. It was bliss. I just could not tolerate the hell and the drunken abuse anymore. I had to get my sanity and did reach out by telephone to another al-anon member. I also went and looked at an apartment. These are all huge steps for me. I have not moved out of my home yet. The ABF has been sober but I am noticing he is very lethargic. No motivation what so ever. He sleeps till 2 to 3pm and gets up. Meanwhile I have been on the go already. I have been de- cluttering the house. I find de-cluttering helps me and I feel a sense of calm and organization. This is also helping me see what is it that I need to take with me should I need to pack up and move. It feels empowering. I am working hard on keeping the focus on me and leave the house when he gets angry like he did yesterday, I just left the house, no discussion, nothing, just left. He called me later and said I need to be patient as he is just trying to sober up! I have no patience, this is BS. Its the same old same old. Get your act together and face reality is what I wanted to scream at him!
The cycle I see is-use and talk to self for hours on end like he is nuts...completely nuts. Off the wall! gets angry, abuses, follows me, abuses me, drives me nuts
Then he sleeps, sleeps, eat, sleep for 3 days at a time
Then he sleeps, eats, watches TV, like a zombie, and sleeps some more
Sleeps, eat and watches TV, maybe leave the house for bit to get groceries, so some errands watch TV and sleeps some more
Then when he is fired up, rested, starts drinking again
Its all about him, him, him. I feel I am not even in the picture at all. I feel I live in a mental health facility. I have come to see him as being mentally ill, like a mental health patient. I have referred to my house as the mental health hospital, as the patient is either going off the wall or its dead quite, as the patient is sleeping.
I hate this life, I feel I am invisible to him. If I were to have an affair, he would be blind to it as he is out to lunch, constantly! He is not present at all, he is not functioning at all, even when he is sober! he is out to lunch! He might as well not be in the house! He looks like a piece of furniture to me, a lump sitting on the couch, not responding, not living! He only says anything when he has to, and then he goes from quite to anger so quick! Up/down/up/down/ in emotions. From dead quite to anger outburst to calm again! Its like he is sleeping his life away. He is in for a shock of his life when he has to get back to work! Reality is here! What have you been doing? Where have you been? I am disgusted with him!!
I have to be functional, doing something, not just sit and be a lump on the couch! He is a grown man and that is all he does, sleep and sit on couch and watch TV, I am disgusted, disgusted by this behavior! I want a man that is ambitious, functional, present, living! I can not even look at him as I am so angry, disgusted by his behaviors of poor me! Poor me! Get a life! Get it together! I hate, hate laziness!
I had to vent this out! Thanks for letting me share this.
Joker, thank you for sharing the wonderful steps you are taking. I felt exactly the same when I was living with the disease ... only I thought I was in a haunted house instead of a mental hospital ... I think your viewpoint is healthier
I also love de-cluttering. By getting rid of what I don't need, I can see what I need and want in my life today.
You are doing great! Please keep us posted.
-- Edited by Freetime on Sunday 3rd of September 2017 12:36:00 PM
Sending you tons of peaceful thoughts and prayers. Keep coming back - I also am decluttering....it's very productive and freeing but goodness - I really need to rethink this whole packrat thing I got going on...*sigh*
(((Hugs)))
I managed to get the basement de-cluttered..the abf, did nothing to help, he was to tired...tired from what, doing nothing, just sitting and watching tv and being in self pity mode...i hate laziness..especially when he is able bodied and can do something. He is a waste of time...grrr
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Focus on YOU. Do what you need to do for YOU, what is best, what is healthy for YOU.
Stay on your side of the street. Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 4th of September 2017 12:17:57 AM