Along with other antics which I've already posted about, my recovering abf dau is getting married this week. He's been sober a good amount of years now and his daughter has been around for holidays and he has always shown her love. She doesn't seem to want to let him have full participation in her wedding - won't let him walk her up the aisle on his own. She is insisting on her mother too. He couldn't choose the song for their dance together, wants him to come early to rehearsal to practice slow dancing with her. She won't let him say a few words at the mic at the wedding. She only introduced her future husband to us a month before they announced their engagement. She'd been with him well over a year but didn't even know of his existence. She didn't introduce us to his parent until two weeks ago. I am not sure that arrangement would have even taken place if her future mil had not stepped in and extended an invitation to us through bf's dau. Dau and her fiance were suppose to have us to their place. We kept waiting for this to happen but never heard anything more about it until she texted that the future in laws wanted to meet us and were extending an invitation. Incidently, their really nice people as is their son. They expressed relief and happiness after meeting us that we turned out to be nice people too. Well, that's something anyway. At least we were able to let our own behaviors speak for us. 

All of this unfairness going on with this wedding is so sad for my bf and a bit unexpected. His dau along with his other children have seemed to enjoy being with us. It's very limited mind you to the end of year holiday and father's day and extended family reunions but it has been friendly. We can't figure out why she would treat him this way. She is very close to her mother who we know has built a case against their father and despite his being a long time sober; withheld information about his underaged daughter's hospitalization from him. His kids have been raised to believe their father doesn't deserve the same respect as other fathers. Bf has never said anything unkind to his children about their mother ever. I am of course "she who must be hated   I must never ever misspeak even the slightest bit because it will lead to an all out attack by his children. I came into their father's life long after his divorce and after his ex had remarried. By the way, these "children" are grown ups - all living on their own. Ex wife's new husband lives in my bf's and his ex's home that they once shared. We have been there once for one of the kids party because it was absolutely unavoidable. We won't be going there for any after party related to this wedding nor will we be sitting with them at the wedding. This is more than an ex who has gone through an ugly divorce should be asked to do. His dau did ask him to do these things. We will be sitting with bf's family who is flying in from out of state. It makes sense to us. 

So there will be plenty of alcohol at the wedding and plenty of active alcoholics. We suspect dau who is getting married is one herself but are holding out hope that we're wrong. There will be all the people my bf has not seen since his divorce. There will be the toasts to the couple with her father conspicuously absent from parents saying a few words but yet sitting in the audience. There will be no sponsor for me to call if things get rough but the god of my understanding will be there with me and bf's with him. We'll each have a safe person sitting next to us - one another. Recovery huh.. with all the awakening can come some rude awakenings too. It's ok, we'll read our readings, hit a meeting in the morning that day, accept with grace what is and pray for the best for the two of them. We'll carry ourselves with diginity through the day's events. We're proud of the people we are today. We've earned it. No need to grovel or either of us to be an apology walking on two legs. Those who judge are imperfect people too. We'll do what's asked of us. It's their day. We'll let go of expectations aside from that we'll be expecting hp to be there with us. We'll put our program in front of us and with gratitude enjoy every moment of the day together as the loving partners we are. Then we'll go home and back to our own lives and our recovery community, our fellowships for unconditional love. Thanks for letting me share with you. Didn't mean to be such a drag. ((hugs)) TT

It was crazy for me how we got thru and in and around situations which involved those we had been attached to and were not now and had missed events we never intended to participate in also.   My wife and I share about "other" histories and then don't record what we listen to because we are powerless over it all.   We listen with respect and then let it go.  We make choices to or not to participate in the others' lives and then step away.  We go to the events just to keep up our relationship with those who share our lives presently and stay out of those parts which are not us.  The insanity is still there and I will not renew the past.  Keep on keeping on TT...you are doing really well.  (((((hugs))))) 

Thank you (((betty))) for sharing a bit of your experience and the reminder to keep practicing the principles of this program and stay on my side of the street and enjoy the day - a good plan ;)

Thank you (((jerry))) this is very wise guidance and something we are trying to put into action for ourselves as well. Admittedly, some events are more emotionally charged than others but we are trying to take the emotion out as best as we are able and just focus on why we came. Bf has some elderly family members who are dear to him so we go to the events to connect with them as well as some others. With this wedding, our goal is to focus on positive reasons for gathering and be wise enough to distance ourselves from those who create drama. We aren't going to get along with everyone nor everyone with us. But such connections are unavoidable, we can be polite and a practice a measure of emotional detachment which really helps for maintaining serenity.

Thank you (((serenityrus))) for your loving support. Yes, we will definitely take the day as it comes and celebrate. We are very happy for them and very much looking forward to seeing some people we rarely get to see. Yep, maybe there will be a camera and opportunity for him to say a few words. But either way, we don't plan on letting others choices take away from our enjoying ourselves. We get to practice our program tomorrow night at the rehearsal dinner. ;)

Thank you (((el-cee))) Had to stop crying before I could respond. Thank you for understanding. I'm sure if given a choice no one would choose to be an alcoholic or be affected by someone else's drinking but how fortunate we are to have a recovery community to turn to in these moments that can leave us feeling a bit left out.I hope she chooses to get into recovery too. She was curious and I brought her with me to my homegroup but that was many years ago. I also gave her an extra copy of How Alanon Works that I had. I also brought the eldest with me another time when she asked to come. She recently expressed interest in going on her own. She is back in therapy and was assigned some books most of us have read on codpendency. So we hold out hope that can happen. Our relationship with the eldest has changed for the better since she looked for and has received outside help.  Yes, it does move from generation to generation and as you know .. if nothing changes, nothing changes. We have so much to be grateful for due to Alanon.

Thank you (((iamhere))) for sharing your es&h. It must be the "baffling" part of "a cunning and baffling disease." I see it shows itself in all sorts of seemingly bizarre ways. You're right, we can try to reason it out with others but then for our own sakes, our own recovery just let it go. Acceptance of what is as opposed to how we would like things to be. When you shared about the fun of actually seeing them and getting together with them that hit me pretty hard. We experience that and are grateful and rehash the good moments afterwards for weeks sometimes never knowing when we might see them again. It's painful to watch them leave our home, to say goodbye. I came back to read here before going to the big event later today. Last night was the rehearsal. It was a little awkward, a lot of fun if you forgot who was actually there from the ex side lol and a bit surreal as abf practicing walking down the aisle with dau and ex. Bf and I were both surprised by how she looked. Bf described it as "washed out." She'd put on a lot of weight since the last time we'd seen her at one of the kids graduations. Perhaps it was projecting my own feelings on the situation but she looked an awful lot like I had pre-alanon and living day to day with an active alcoholic/addict. Her new husband was in full form > drunk, boisterous and drawing attention to himself as a result. He cat called when my bf's youngest dressed in TSwift skater skirt practiced walking down the aisle. Somehow through the grace of hp, my recovering bf missed this reaction from his ex's husband. Early in the evening, as we were standing near the ex wife waiting for rehearsal instructions for bf and exwife, exwife's husband sidling up to her and said under his breath, "Is he here?" I'd like to think he mean't the god of their understanding but I doubt that he mean that "Him."   As we were within earshot, exwife stood silent and then gave a slight nod. At this point, I turned to bf and utilized "Bless them and change me," for the first time as we had made a pact to do after I'd read that inspiring share here. Detach, detach, detach. lol

Like you iam, we know we can only focus on our own response to people, places and things. But geez this is a tough one. There were some glaringly revelations about how much bf has been excluded throughout this who process and will be today. Eldest came and sat next to me. She is such a caretaker of our feelings, never wants us to feel left out. We've seen maturity we suspect from a few awakenings due to her choices and personal losses. As you know, we can be bitter or better. We're grateful to see she is on a path of "better." It was a gift to us to continue to witness this in her last night.  The happy couple of course were all nerves and wanting everything to go right today. We'll be suiting up and showing up as they say and will be of service toward that end in any way asked. Marrying dau is happy and he seems to be a pretty decent guy (for what we've been allowed to know of him).  His mother again expressed her gratitude to me for our first meeting being any easy one a few weeks back as well as her relief that we are "nice people." She later introduced me to her sis whom I'd actually been chatting with a good part of the night and who already knew my name.

It'll be a good day because it's a happy occassion and as bf says he is so grateful for his sobriety and emotional availability to witness it. New beginnings are filled with hope for the future. Oh if only our families would cross the bridge and join us in recovery huh :)  It could happen. Bless them and change me.  (((hugs))))  TT

Thanks ((everyone)))  It was a good day all in all. There were a few moments that felt overwhelmingly uncomfortable for each of us but we gave ourselves breaks away from everyone and just regrouped. I wish I could say that my insides matched my outsides but they just didn't. I felt terribly insecure amongst so much from bf's past life, giving his dau away with his exwife and a slideshow of their days as a family despite the fact that there were no pics of them together. My very good shoes got pretty much destroyed because of the hills and valleys we traversed to get to the picture taking spot. All the women were wearing flats I noticed. Guess I didn't get the memo but then lets face it, I wasn't on the list as partner of the father of the bride. Par for the course (no pun intended).  Bf's emotions improved greatly as the evening went on from being mildly aggitated because dau had told him her could not say a few congratulatory words on her big day to spending lots of time requesting songs and dancing with out of town family and his children. I was happy and proud of him. I didn't feel as proud of myself but I'm working through it. It was more what I didn't do than what I did. I didn't rise above my feelings of insecurity and just act as if. It may not have showed on the outside but I was held hostage by feelings of terminal uniqueness. I tried to make conversation but bf had told me not everyone there would be safe to talk to so I tended to let him lead. Bf was very attentive but there were long and lively conversations with his ex fil and ex's relatives. His ex mil and fil still treat me like "the other woman" despite the fact that I was nowhere in the pic when their dau divorced bf. LOL I pretty much get it from all sides - from his kids view - Oh yeah, what's wrong with this picture? Oh that's right, she's standing in what we want to be mom's place. To.. Lets not be to friendly to this woman because she's with our former son in law. That would be disloyal to our dau? Mind you their dau is long remarried.  

My reprieve was going and sitting outdoors with bf's own extended family of twenty/thirty somethings who flew in from the coast conversing about everything else. I never did get to slow dance with bf. There were only a handful of slow dances and I wasn't confident about the ones that switched up to something faster halfway through. The night ended with a slow song but it was one of those last call crying in your beer type songs and bf and I both lol that we didn't want to end our night on the dance floor dancing to a song like that. 

So it's over at least I think it is. There is more today but unless bf expressing anything different, we won't be attending these extended festivities. Hey, if so.. I get another shot at being "perfect," huh?  That was a joke of course. I'm just trying to remind myself that majority of what I saw yesterday was rehearsed, orchestrated and perfected. It had to be flawless.  And well... I am flawed, unrehearsed and did the best I could in the situation. Bf told me he was proud to be with me as the night progressed and that he loved me. We don't much like where we are living but when we came through our door, he told me it was soooo good to be home. lol Yeah.. I agree. I read this board on and off last night at the reception when I felt alone in the big crowd. Thank goodness for cellphones and thank god for all of you.((hugs))) TT