So, I've been around alcoholics my whole life. Intend to be an enabler... I was married 21 years to an alcoholic who's had 3 DUIs... walked the road of those financially and legal consequences with him for 2 of those while married. The other one was while divorced and walked the road legally by refusing visits with our 4 kids until the court showed he's been sober 6 months from random drug testing and doing what the county required which isn't much. Anyway, my question is about my parents. I've dealt with the minimizing and lying and caretaker mom my whole life, so it made sense that I became the same "good" wife of standing by my man too long. My parents suffered a tragedy in 2003 which required them to become caregivers for my little brother for 7 years until he passed away. It has caused PTSD in both my parents and they've isolated more and more over the years. My dad has deteriorated from the alcoholicim... heart attack, quadruple bypass, and now multiple hospital visits for falls, high bp, etc. basically his he has cerebral atrophy and brain bleeds. For my mom, it's like she's caring for my little brother again- he had a brain injury. My dad can't walk, dress, potty, eat, without her assistance. We've had multiple family interventions bc he's been left all night on the garage floor on the coldest night of the year after a serious fall and my mom couldn't hear him. It's constant chaos to the point where I've now cut off communication with her. She has severe memory loss/trauma/denial and it's hard to know if she's even sane at this point. We've toured assisted living facilities and put deposit check down, and then she balks and takes my dad back home.
It's ridiculous. Info from anger, sadness, frustration, to guilt that I've cut her off. I've seriously thought of anonymously reporting her for elder abuse, but my dad has done this to himself ... consequences of drinking. I just hate hearing that he's fallen in the shower and napping there. He has no coordination and I have no idea how my mom even cares for him alone. I guess I'm just looking for a community that understands and "gets" where I am and also can give any advice. It's so hard thinking of him falling to his death because she refuses to give him care he needs. It's sick. Thanks for reading if you made it this far!
Mattie said
Aug 29, 2017
This does sound as if intervention is needed. Normally we don't advise stepping in to help if the person can help themselves, but it's clear that this problem is beyond the capacity of both your parents now. Even if she doesn't intend it to be elder abuse, it is. I think probably the route to take is to have her declared incompetent (so that he can be moved to a care facility without her sayso), but I am not an expert in how to go about that. I think consulting with a professional who handles eldercare would be the best way to start. What state do you live in (assuming you're in the US), if you don't mind my asking? Each state has various resources. A geriatric social worker or lawyer who specializes in eldercare issues is the kind of thing to look for.
Meanwhile of course there's the pain of knowing this is going on, and handling your own emotions. Do you have a local meeting? Those are invaluable for giving us the tools to deal with this chaos. I hope you'll take good care of yourself.
Flyfree said
Aug 29, 2017
Hi. I just wanted to respond. This is a suggestion since we don't give advise. Each community in the US has an agency called adult protective services. Just like for children. Anyone can make an anonymous call which has to be investigated. Theycan make the determination of neglect or abuse. Just saying.
Ruthie050573 said
Aug 29, 2017
Thanks so much! I just made a report to their county's department of adult protective services. ð We'll see what happens from here.
hotrod said
Aug 29, 2017
Welcome Ruthie I am pleased that you were able to take a constructive action regarding this painful situation. Sending prayers and positive thoughts for you entire family. Please keep coming back
This does sound as if intervention is needed. Normally we don't advise stepping in to help if the person can help themselves, but it's clear that this problem is beyond the capacity of both your parents now. Even if she doesn't intend it to be elder abuse, it is. I think probably the route to take is to have her declared incompetent (so that he can be moved to a care facility without her sayso), but I am not an expert in how to go about that. I think consulting with a professional who handles eldercare would be the best way to start. What state do you live in (assuming you're in the US), if you don't mind my asking? Each state has various resources. A geriatric social worker or lawyer who specializes in eldercare issues is the kind of thing to look for.
Meanwhile of course there's the pain of knowing this is going on, and handling your own emotions. Do you have a local meeting? Those are invaluable for giving us the tools to deal with this chaos. I hope you'll take good care of yourself.