For about 26 years I have been devoted to my A. I have not been her priority, she had an emotional affair, lied, snuck around, and had other priorities , especially drinking. Towards the end of 2016 I bought a condo to live half time near my son and granddaughter . NOW she is devastated and feels fear and rejection. We are on vacation and she is depressed and crying on and off. I have compassion for her feelings but I will not allow guilt nor be codependent with her emotions. Thanks to Alanon I am stronger. I will continue with my plans however unorthodox they may be. I am committed to my own survival and hopefully serenity. I am not cold but I am trying to survive the war. I am wounded but not crippled. My spouse is in early sobriety but her thinking is often still in the alcohol haze. Progress not perfection, Lyne
Doingmybest said
Aug 29, 2017
I am so happy and proud for you! Great job!!! You are very close to perfection in my book!
Iamhere said
Aug 29, 2017
(((Lyne))) - sending you positive thoughts and prayers. I see you putting you first and that's what we are taught to do in recovery. I'm struggling a bit with that concept today and your post gives me inspiration and hope that I too can realign myself spiritually and just accept what is as it is, for today.
Thank you for your share.
Bo said
Aug 29, 2017
Hello Lyne...I hear you...oh do I hear you. I too went through the very same thing, slightly different circumstances, but the same situation. Just like you, I was completely devoted, loyal, and honored my marriage, my wife, the relationship, family, etc. Also, like you, for a variety of reasons, I had rented a condo -- and we both agreed to it. Yes, we were going to use it together, but we both knew that more often than not I would be using it. Even though we both agreed, she felt very abandoned. She felt rejected as well and felt that this was "driving us apart" and "making me spent more time apart from her" and more.
I was OK with the guilt, because I knew that was "just who she is" so to speak. You can't apply logic to an illogical person. You can't apply logic to an illogical situation. Even when not drinking -- the alcoholic can still have the 'ism's. I absolutely had compassion for her feelings. I made sure I was there for her in a healthy and supportive way -- but I did not "feed into" her guilt, manipulation(s), the illogical thinking and behavior, and most importantly, the co-dependency. Why? Because if I did "feed into" it and/or played a part in it, contributed to it, etc., that would not have been good for me. It would have been unhealthy for me. That's why I always "look at my role" in whatever is going on. What's my part in it? Am I contributing to it? Am I perpetuating it? Years ago, I was. I did. Daily. I was contributing to the drama, chaos, turmoil, and havoc that was going on. To me -- that's another form or type of enabling.
I very much like, admire and respect, your attitude and perspective -- strong, progress, committed. All positive, good, healthy things -- for you. Keep up the work and stay grounded, and lean on your program and your sponsor. After being in the rooms for many, many years, the basics, the fundamentals are still the foundation for my success -- success being living my life in a healthy way, making healthy decisions, having healthy relationships, and so on. I keep my side of the street clean. When it comes to "an issue" -- I make sure that whatever it is I do, I am doing the right thing, living my life the right way, and I have compassion and be there for the person, but in a healthy and supportive way -- a way that is healthy and supportive for me, and the other person. Now, the other person is often not happy with that. Why? It's not enough for them. It is not what they want. They are not getting what they want. I am doing -- but not enough. OK, well, not to sound juvenile, and I don't say this, but, tough luck. LOL. Sounds like a personal problem...and it's not my problem.
I once heard in a meeting...if your qualifier is angry at you...then you are probably doing something right. Sounds like a nice joke...but there is much truth in it. Thank you.
Aline said
Aug 29, 2017
Good for you, Lyne, you seem to be steering the healthy way.
Flyfree said
Aug 29, 2017
Hi Lynne. Thank you for your share. It is inspiring for me to hear of others positive outcomes. I recently left my AH to try and work on myself. He says he is going to rehab, that remains to be seen, but even if he doesn't, I need time to work on myself to regain some sanity and clarity. My first use of detachment with love. I see how difficult change is when codependency is so strong. Today is about me,. I can no longer afford to obsess about AH. I will be concerned and caring. Supportive of only positive actions. Words mean nothing. I am hoping with this move I will now be able to find F2F meetings and a sponsor. Thanks for your ESH.
a4l said
Aug 29, 2017
Isn't that title just the most apt description of relating to an alcoholic? Sending you support on your journey Lyne.
hotrod said
Aug 29, 2017
((Lyne)) You have worked hard and have been an honest, open and willing partner. I know you have compassion for her sadness and thanks to alanon you know know that having compassion for a loved one does not mean we have to change our plans or fix them. Sending warm, positive thoughts and trust that you will use your tools to salvage the remainder of the vacation
bud said
Aug 29, 2017
((Lyne)) sending support. Many thanks for your post is a good reminder for me to make things logical for myself by doing the next right thing.
Jerry F said
Aug 29, 2017
I need to share your share lyne with my wife who is also in our program....WHY? because it clearly states for me what the program means to me and the principles of self acceptance, compassion and empathy. Mahalo for this. ((((hugs))))
el-cee said
Aug 30, 2017
Sounds great to me. Your first duty is to you and improving your life and she is also free to make that her priority too. It sounds like your doing a fine job with pure motives. Your decisions arent based on changing her or controlling her or punishing her, its about your survival and even better your life that can be filled with peace and even joy and that is your responsibility. Her tears and depression may be manipulative, she wants what she wants, her way and tears and sulking around can work for a person their whole life like a child really, its very common in untreated alcoholism in both the drinker and the Alanon so detaching from it and allowing her to choose her own responses is also loving. I love reading about your progress, its hopeful and inspiring. Thank god for Alanon its setting us free!!!
Lyne said
Aug 30, 2017
To my MIP family-THanks so much for all your warm, caring, and supportive responses. You are all the best! Lyne
For about 26 years I have been devoted to my A. I have not been her priority, she had an emotional affair, lied, snuck around, and had other priorities , especially drinking. Towards the end of 2016 I bought a condo to live half time near my son and granddaughter . NOW she is devastated and feels fear and rejection. We are on vacation and she is depressed and crying on and off. I have compassion for her feelings but I will not allow guilt nor be codependent with her emotions. Thanks to Alanon I am stronger. I will continue with my plans however unorthodox they may be. I am committed to my own survival and hopefully serenity. I am not cold but I am trying to survive the war. I am wounded but not crippled. My spouse is in early sobriety but her thinking is often still in the alcohol haze. Progress not perfection, Lyne
Thank you for your share.
Hello Lyne...I hear you...oh do I hear you. I too went through the very same thing, slightly different circumstances, but the same situation. Just like you, I was completely devoted, loyal, and honored my marriage, my wife, the relationship, family, etc. Also, like you, for a variety of reasons, I had rented a condo -- and we both agreed to it. Yes, we were going to use it together, but we both knew that more often than not I would be using it. Even though we both agreed, she felt very abandoned. She felt rejected as well and felt that this was "driving us apart" and "making me spent more time apart from her" and more.
I was OK with the guilt, because I knew that was "just who she is" so to speak. You can't apply logic to an illogical person. You can't apply logic to an illogical situation. Even when not drinking -- the alcoholic can still have the 'ism's. I absolutely had compassion for her feelings. I made sure I was there for her in a healthy and supportive way -- but I did not "feed into" her guilt, manipulation(s), the illogical thinking and behavior, and most importantly, the co-dependency. Why? Because if I did "feed into" it and/or played a part in it, contributed to it, etc., that would not have been good for me. It would have been unhealthy for me. That's why I always "look at my role" in whatever is going on. What's my part in it? Am I contributing to it? Am I perpetuating it? Years ago, I was. I did. Daily. I was contributing to the drama, chaos, turmoil, and havoc that was going on. To me -- that's another form or type of enabling.
I very much like, admire and respect, your attitude and perspective -- strong, progress, committed. All positive, good, healthy things -- for you. Keep up the work and stay grounded, and lean on your program and your sponsor. After being in the rooms for many, many years, the basics, the fundamentals are still the foundation for my success -- success being living my life in a healthy way, making healthy decisions, having healthy relationships, and so on. I keep my side of the street clean. When it comes to "an issue" -- I make sure that whatever it is I do, I am doing the right thing, living my life the right way, and I have compassion and be there for the person, but in a healthy and supportive way -- a way that is healthy and supportive for me, and the other person. Now, the other person is often not happy with that. Why? It's not enough for them. It is not what they want. They are not getting what they want. I am doing -- but not enough. OK, well, not to sound juvenile, and I don't say this, but, tough luck. LOL. Sounds like a personal problem...and it's not my problem.
I once heard in a meeting...if your qualifier is angry at you...then you are probably doing something right. Sounds like a nice joke...but there is much truth in it. Thank you.
((Lyne)) You have worked hard and have been an honest, open and willing partner. I know you have compassion for her sadness and thanks to alanon you know know that having compassion for a loved one does not mean we have to change our plans or fix them. Sending warm, positive thoughts and trust that you will use your tools to salvage the remainder of the vacation
I need to share your share lyne with my wife who is also in our program....WHY? because it clearly states for me what the program means to me and the principles of self acceptance, compassion and empathy. Mahalo for this. ((((hugs))))
Sounds great to me. Your first duty is to you and improving your life and she is also free to make that her priority too. It sounds like your doing a fine job with pure motives. Your decisions arent based on changing her or controlling her or punishing her, its about your survival and even better your life that can be filled with peace and even joy and that is your responsibility. Her tears and depression may be manipulative, she wants what she wants, her way and tears and sulking around can work for a person their whole life like a child really, its very common in untreated alcoholism in both the drinker and the Alanon so detaching from it and allowing her to choose her own responses is also loving. I love reading about your progress, its hopeful and inspiring. Thank god for Alanon its setting us free!!!