Hi all need for ESH. I am trying to have clarity in my thinking. My response to my AH has changed. I went away last week end when I came back I noticed I have very little patience for his nonsense. Thursday evening he left and didn't return with my car till Saturday morning. Constantly says he loves me and he is just going thru a thing because his best friend died last month plus this that or something else. Excuses to keep acting badly. I got my car back Saturday I pack some clothes and the cat and left. I drove 5 hours away spent the night. I contemplated not going back but didn't have enough money to just leave and go stay with family. Don't want to ask family for money. So I went back the next day after he begged that he would change and he doesn't want to loose me. So I came home. There a few hours and he gets in my car and leaves that was 8 hours ago now. Told me before he left he was coming right back, we would spend evening together and he will go to rehab in the morning. I guess I am the fool again. Why do I have to care so much when he obviously doesn't. I know it is his disease. I can't keep living like this. I am the the one working and I am having a lot of trouble keeping myself together to be able to work. I feel like I can't be around him anymore, but when I leave I feel guilty at abandoning him. I made a vow when I married him to stand by no matter what. He however has not kept his vows to me. I have lost trust and respect. Don't know if that will ever change. He doesn't want to change so I have to. Whenever I start to feel stronger I allow something that happens to throw me over the edge. I am not afraid of being alone, I know I can make it by myself. I am concerned about my obligation I vowed and How Much More My HP wants me to take. Is this the test of my endurance and moulding me to change myself so I can be a better person??? I know more will be revealed and I have to go through this to get to the other side. I just need some relief! I have a lot of work to do on myself to keep the focus on me and stop having any expection for AH. I am setting my boundaries but I did break one of them allowing him in my car instead if having a fight to prevent him from taking it. I am going to spend some time with HP hopefully get some calming.
Bo said
Aug 28, 2017
Hello Flyfree...welcome, and thank you for posting/sharing.
I understand exactly how you feel and what you are going through and facing. I too struggled with me standing by and honoring my boundary vs. giving in instead of having a fight/argument and trying to prevent the alocholic from doing something, breaking my boundary, etc. I also struggled with why did I care so much when she didn't care at all! Why would she promise...and then keep doing what she was doing? I fought the feelings of guilt too. I felt like I was abandoning her when she was at her time of need -- most need and worse time.
So, from my experience of many years in the rooms, and in doing a lot of work with my sponsor, and doing the steps -- the first thing I found, and this was me -- I was overthinking it. I kept thinking about it, looking for answers, trying to figure it out, and so on. Stop. I had to stop. The more I tried to figure it out, the more I drove myself crazy. I had to live and think and face issues, and get things handled, one day at a time. I also had to learn to let go. I too was falling apart. I couldn't be around her anymore, like you. I had to focus on letting go and also on detaching -- both physically and emotionally, and that was my job, my responsibility to do that. It wasn't always convenient, and it cost me money sometimes -- but it was the best thing I could do. I had to leave for a night, for a few hours, etc. Not that it was a game -- but it also made a statement. I stood by my boundaries, and made a statement that I said what I was going to do, and I did what I said. That was good for me -- and said that I was not going to accept unacceptable behavior. And, I didn't let her manipulation and behavior impact my thinking or my behavior.
I also stepped up my meetings. I needed to change...because she wasn't going to. I stepped up my meetings, my readings, and also my work and meetings with my sponsor. I needed to focus on me and my thinking. I couldn't allow "my stinking thinking" to allow me to break my boundaries, accept unacceptable behavior, cave in, and cause me to make unhealthy decisions, do unhealthy things, etc. No exceptions -- not for her, or for me! I also had to change so that I didn't keep getting hurt. It hurt that she would promise, and then keep doing what she was doing. It hurt that she would promise and then break it. Whose "fault" is this? I AM SHOPPING FOR BREAD IN A HARDWARE STORE. This is on me, my expectation. I would get hurt in expecting her to change and get better. Also, what really hurt is that I do something -- to try and help her, to make her feel better, to try and have her avoid feeling pain...and I really was doing it, also, for me to avoid pain! For me to feel better. And, I ended up feeling worse!!! I ended up feeling pain!!!
Sometimes, it seems like a vicious cycle, a circular argument, discussion, whatever you want to call it. I go back to the basics. It works if you work it.
hotrod said
Aug 28, 2017
Hi FlyFreee I felt as you do - my marriage vows were extremely important as I had promised" for better or worse". I stayed and stayed due to this however my anger and resentments grew considerably. One night, I remember thinking" i want to kill him", then I reminded myself that "No you cannot do that as you have a child and you can not leave him in this world alone " Then another night not too long after I was again planning on killing him, regardless of my son ,so I hide all the knives in the house.That was when i decided to leave. That was the action that I feared the most and that was the exact action I needed to take. He found sobriety after a short time and remained sober until he passed from cancer(sober) 6 years later. I now know that taking the action "I feared the most" was my next right move and that my HP Had been prompting me to do just that. Listen to the still small voice within, meetings helped
Iamhere said
Aug 28, 2017
(((Flyfree))) - sending you tons of peaceful thoughts and positive prayers. Similar to Betty, I allowed anger/resentment to build up in me until I was ready to commit homicide or suicide....I also had two children that I was concerned about 'leaving' as in either solution my brain presented, I would be gone and unavailable to them.
I departed for a bit and I began my recovery. In the meetings and from those who came before me, I learned that I mattered. I learned to take care of me, put me first, plan for the worst and hope for the best with no expectations. I did baby steps - asked trusted friends for a safe haven should I need it - have 3 who did not blink, gave me keys, and told me I could stay as long as I wanted at anytime for any reason.
I also have 'go bags' packed and one is in the car and the other is in the garage. I created a cash stash and have a couple of plans should I need to vacate for a day/week/ever. While I was 'doing for me', some sanity had been restored. I worked the steps, became aware and accepting of my powerlessness and have been able to carve out a life for myself in my marriage while detaching from the disease and using boundaries.
It has been and remains a process. I have to lean into this program every single day to keep my serenity and trust in a power greater than me to lead me where I need to go. I will say that some of the 'new boundaries' I made is that nobody was allowed to drive my car - for any reason at any time. I also locked up my keys, my money, my 'room', etc. I literally carved out and bolted places where my 'guys' were not allowed.
I could go on and on and on but I got my backbone back and just said 'No' to the insanity. I know better in my head to arm anyone under the influence with wheels and I held firm. I know better than to give any cash to addicts, no matter what they say it's for and I held firm. Again, I could go on and on - but my strength, sanity, wisdom and motivation all came from working in recovery to get me back.
In spite of my 'growing up', 'setting boundaries' and putting me first, my relationships with 'my guys' are better than they've been in years and years. I allow them to do their disease if that's what they choose and I do 'me'. I have learned how to respect the person and despise the disease and avoid much of the drama/chaos through healthy boundaries.
I have been in your shoes and I just didn't know what I didn't know then. I didn't have the tools recovery gives us and I thought I was being a 'loving wife/mother'. I know now what love really is and I've used any/all tools available to just do me one day at a time. I hope you can get to local meetings, get some phone numbers and begin to develop local support - it's been a huge help for me in my journey.
Keep coming back - yuo are not alone and we're here as best we can be. Be gentle with you and realize it's just One Day at a Time!
I understand exactly how you feel and what you are going through and facing. I too struggled with me standing by and honoring my boundary vs. giving in instead of having a fight/argument and trying to prevent the alocholic from doing something, breaking my boundary, etc. I also struggled with why did I care so much when she didn't care at all! Why would she promise...and then keep doing what she was doing? I fought the feelings of guilt too. I felt like I was abandoning her when she was at her time of need -- most need and worse time.
So, from my experience of many years in the rooms, and in doing a lot of work with my sponsor, and doing the steps -- the first thing I found, and this was me -- I was overthinking it. I kept thinking about it, looking for answers, trying to figure it out, and so on. Stop. I had to stop. The more I tried to figure it out, the more I drove myself crazy. I had to live and think and face issues, and get things handled, one day at a time. I also had to learn to let go. I too was falling apart. I couldn't be around her anymore, like you. I had to focus on letting go and also on detaching -- both physically and emotionally, and that was my job, my responsibility to do that. It wasn't always convenient, and it cost me money sometimes -- but it was the best thing I could do. I had to leave for a night, for a few hours, etc. Not that it was a game -- but it also made a statement. I stood by my boundaries, and made a statement that I said what I was going to do, and I did what I said. That was good for me -- and said that I was not going to accept unacceptable behavior. And, I didn't let her manipulation and behavior impact my thinking or my behavior.
I also stepped up my meetings. I needed to change...because she wasn't going to. I stepped up my meetings, my readings, and also my work and meetings with my sponsor. I needed to focus on me and my thinking. I couldn't allow "my stinking thinking" to allow me to break my boundaries, accept unacceptable behavior, cave in, and cause me to make unhealthy decisions, do unhealthy things, etc. No exceptions -- not for her, or for me! I also had to change so that I didn't keep getting hurt. It hurt that she would promise, and then keep doing what she was doing. It hurt that she would promise and then break it. Whose "fault" is this? I AM SHOPPING FOR BREAD IN A HARDWARE STORE. This is on me, my expectation. I would get hurt in expecting her to change and get better. Also, what really hurt is that I do something -- to try and help her, to make her feel better, to try and have her avoid feeling pain...and I really was doing it, also, for me to avoid pain! For me to feel better. And, I ended up feeling worse!!! I ended up feeling pain!!!
Sometimes, it seems like a vicious cycle, a circular argument, discussion, whatever you want to call it. I go back to the basics. It works if you work it.
Hi FlyFreee I felt as you do - my marriage vows were extremely important as I had promised" for better or worse". I stayed and stayed due to this however my anger and resentments grew considerably. One night, I remember thinking" i want to kill him", then I reminded myself that "No you cannot do that as you have a child and you can not leave him in this world alone " Then another night not too long after I was again planning on killing him, regardless of my son ,so I hide all the knives in the house.That was when i decided to leave. That was the action that I feared the most and that was the exact action I needed to take. He found sobriety after a short time and remained sober until he passed from cancer(sober) 6 years later.
I now know that taking the action "I feared the most" was my next right move and that my HP Had been prompting me to do just that.
Listen to the still small voice within, meetings helped
I departed for a bit and I began my recovery. In the meetings and from those who came before me, I learned that I mattered. I learned to take care of me, put me first, plan for the worst and hope for the best with no expectations. I did baby steps - asked trusted friends for a safe haven should I need it - have 3 who did not blink, gave me keys, and told me I could stay as long as I wanted at anytime for any reason.
I also have 'go bags' packed and one is in the car and the other is in the garage. I created a cash stash and have a couple of plans should I need to vacate for a day/week/ever. While I was 'doing for me', some sanity had been restored. I worked the steps, became aware and accepting of my powerlessness and have been able to carve out a life for myself in my marriage while detaching from the disease and using boundaries.
It has been and remains a process. I have to lean into this program every single day to keep my serenity and trust in a power greater than me to lead me where I need to go. I will say that some of the 'new boundaries' I made is that nobody was allowed to drive my car - for any reason at any time. I also locked up my keys, my money, my 'room', etc. I literally carved out and bolted places where my 'guys' were not allowed.
I could go on and on and on but I got my backbone back and just said 'No' to the insanity. I know better in my head to arm anyone under the influence with wheels and I held firm. I know better than to give any cash to addicts, no matter what they say it's for and I held firm. Again, I could go on and on - but my strength, sanity, wisdom and motivation all came from working in recovery to get me back.
In spite of my 'growing up', 'setting boundaries' and putting me first, my relationships with 'my guys' are better than they've been in years and years. I allow them to do their disease if that's what they choose and I do 'me'. I have learned how to respect the person and despise the disease and avoid much of the drama/chaos through healthy boundaries.
I have been in your shoes and I just didn't know what I didn't know then. I didn't have the tools recovery gives us and I thought I was being a 'loving wife/mother'. I know now what love really is and I've used any/all tools available to just do me one day at a time. I hope you can get to local meetings, get some phone numbers and begin to develop local support - it's been a huge help for me in my journey.
Keep coming back - yuo are not alone and we're here as best we can be. Be gentle with you and realize it's just One Day at a Time!