So I had to bolt from our shared home this past weekend. The reality of Kid and I moving out hit AH and things just got to emotional... not angry mind you, just emotional and I began to feel sorrow and guilt for what I KNOW in my heart to be the next right thing for me and Kid. I knew I was in danger of listening to his lies, so I had to leave with a satchel of clothes and a toothbrush.
We returned on Sunday night, b/c everything we own is at the house, and son needs to get prepared for the school week, and I need to get ready for the work week, pay bills etc.
Yes I am picking up boxes and I am going to begin the (probably) month long task of packing up my life. I can only take a VERY small amount of things to this tiny house, so I will have to decide what goes, what gets thrown out, and what will go in my storage... then also decide on marriage/joint items (what is his storage vs what is mine). So it is not an easy process.
The question? Did anyone else leave their spouse in this manner? He knows he needs rehab... he finally has accepted that I need to separate and begin building a life of my own. He is currently just waiting in the house for MediCal to kick in so that he can enter rehab. He has a doctor's visit on Tuesday, so perhaps things will move a little faster after that. Did anyone else live with their soon to be EX spouse during the move out phase, and what was your experience? What did it "look" like for you? What were some pitfalls?
We do not own a couch that I could sleep on, so for the time being, I am going to have to sleep in the bed... not that there has been any intimacy... not for at least a couple years, but I am finding it weird to say the least. My sponsor told me to just get over to the house to sleep as soon as I could, but getting mattresses etc over there is logistically tough. Pile on top of this is my work schedule, Back to School Night, and band volunteer duties (Thursday & Friday nights). I am exhausted just thinking about it!
Any thoughts would be appreciated! Thank you!
milkwood said
Aug 28, 2017
Hello PandP,
Those emotional weekends are exhausting so I'm not surprised you are tired but as I read your other update post I was struck by how it seemed to move from high emotion to a calmer place and I've always thought that honestly facing up to things does engender calm once the shock wears off.
I understand that weird feeling of sharing a bed with someone that we are breaking ties with - I decided at one time that I was being more honest with myself when I slept separately. When it feels right for you I'm sure your HP will help you find a way to get the mattresses sorted out.
I used to think it was a bit like trying to ride two horses at once, feeling betwixt and between things, but your progress, the way you've been handling some very difficult situations strikes me as really well done. It is difficult, it will pass, step by step - I think that your judgement seems really sounds and I'd trust you to take the next right steps. Keep it simple used to be a phrase that helped me as well!
Sweetiemom said
Aug 28, 2017
Good morning as I read your post I'm struck by what a strong and amazing mom you seem. I'm still living with my AH, who is going on his 31st month of sobriety. We have two kids and before he got sober, I have no job, no place to go, excetera. So someone made the choice for me and my husband was arrested and jailed for DWI my children were not quite 2 and 8 years old, little bit harder explanation. So I'm still just boggled by your strength of character you're obviously an awesome woman keep smiling
gratefulforafuture said
Aug 28, 2017
Hi PandP,
I did move out of my home with my daughter this past June. The logistics were overwhelming but I did use them as a way to stay in the present. In my case, I had gotten an apartment but it had no furniture in it initially. I went to Target and got a blow up mattress (which was quite comfortable) and slept on that. My daughter stayed at her best friend's house while I started the task of pulling the apartment together. Those were tumultuous days but I felt like I was moving toward the light so it kept me going.
All the best to you and sending you love and support. Beth
Bo said
Aug 28, 2017
Quick note...My situation, at times, was very similar. That said, I made accommodations for my peace, serenity, etc. I bought a blow up mattress. I got a futon. I would not sleep in the same bed. I couldn't. I needed space and distance -- I needed to detach, both physically and emotionally. Being that close didn't work -- and she was constantly trying to have me involved in her stuff, and so was her family. Even though she didn't want to go to rehab, just sitting around, dropping hints on status reports, what was going on, etc. -- I had to detach.
When I left, I took more stuff than I had to and had room for -- but I did it because my goal was to get out and get out fast When I got everything over to my new place, then I threw out stuff. LOL. I had to make it a priority to get my mattress out ASAP, ask friends, rely and lean on people who cared about me, people from program, and so on. Look for ways to do it...not reasons you can't. All the best.
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 28th of August 2017 09:18:33 AM
Iamhere said
Aug 28, 2017
Hey PnP - we've never separated legitimately but have certainly separated in the home. I am fortunate that we have a large home and can share that I've slept in every room (5 BR, 3 LR/FR, 1 Office) at some point of the disease. When I need distance or a break, I've slept on the floor - pillows/blankets. Yes - it's difficult, uncomfortable and not a long term solution - but it helped keep me distant from the immediate chaos/insanity.
I've also left and slept at friends, hotels, car and more. It's been a rough journey for a long time. So - from a program perspective, do whatever you need to do for you + Kid at any point in time. When my boys were smaller, I literally threw them in the car, went and bought a tent and we camped out many weekends.
My go-to slogan when insanity/chaos/drama is swirling around me and I can not depart, is Bless Them - Change Me. I repeat this over and over and over again in my head and do what I can to change things up. My guys used to follow me around the house when I was trying to get away from the craziness and I discovered a couple places they don't go - bathroom & laundry room. I've spent some quality time in both over the years.
I used the serenity prayer often to help me decide what I could change vs. what I could not....the tools we learn here are truly miraculous as they will and do carry us through anything when we remember to use them and pick them up.
I'm sending you tons of (((hugs))), prayers and some positive energy. You are growing and working recovery - I can see it! Keep doing you and keep moving forward, one day at a time. And - don't forget to breathe....
SerenityRUS said
Aug 28, 2017
Hugs PNP,
I'm a little more hard core .. he had to leave .. my XAH did not stay in the house. I asked him to and he went, at first willingly and then he fought me.
I tend to agree with the other posters .. do what you need to do to get to your new home for your own sanity. Sleeping on the floor is not a long term solution however short term pain for long term gain. Reaching out to others regarding beds and so on has always worked for me. Thankfully I have found that HP always provides.
Your sanity, serenity and so on are what counts and that's what needs to be put first and foremost. YOU and your kiddo .. what's good for you believe it or not winds up being good for everyone else involved .. so hang tough and long term you honestly do not know what HP's plan is .. I just think it's important to get out of the way and allow his HP to deal with him while yours deals with you and your situation.
Stay close to your sponsor, meetings and program. You are so worth it and whatever happens .. I can absolutely validate .. you will be ok.
Hugs S :)
Jerry F said
Aug 28, 2017
What I learned from my sponsor was to choose the consequences I wanted and then do what was required/necessary to get those consequences...It works when you work it. Stumbling and mistakes count for lessons so I didn't worry about them. ((((hugs))))
So I had to bolt from our shared home this past weekend. The reality of Kid and I moving out hit AH and things just got to emotional... not angry mind you, just emotional and I began to feel sorrow and guilt for what I KNOW in my heart to be the next right thing for me and Kid. I knew I was in danger of listening to his lies, so I had to leave with a satchel of clothes and a toothbrush.
We returned on Sunday night, b/c everything we own is at the house, and son needs to get prepared for the school week, and I need to get ready for the work week, pay bills etc.
Yes I am picking up boxes and I am going to begin the (probably) month long task of packing up my life. I can only take a VERY small amount of things to this tiny house, so I will have to decide what goes, what gets thrown out, and what will go in my storage... then also decide on marriage/joint items (what is his storage vs what is mine). So it is not an easy process.
The question? Did anyone else leave their spouse in this manner? He knows he needs rehab... he finally has accepted that I need to separate and begin building a life of my own. He is currently just waiting in the house for MediCal to kick in so that he can enter rehab. He has a doctor's visit on Tuesday, so perhaps things will move a little faster after that. Did anyone else live with their soon to be EX spouse during the move out phase, and what was your experience? What did it "look" like for you? What were some pitfalls?
We do not own a couch that I could sleep on, so for the time being, I am going to have to sleep in the bed... not that there has been any intimacy... not for at least a couple years, but I am finding it weird to say the least. My sponsor told me to just get over to the house to sleep as soon as I could, but getting mattresses etc over there is logistically tough. Pile on top of this is my work schedule, Back to School Night, and band volunteer duties (Thursday & Friday nights). I am exhausted just thinking about it!
Any thoughts would be appreciated! Thank you!
Those emotional weekends are exhausting so I'm not surprised you are tired but as I read your other update post I was struck by how it seemed to move from high emotion to a calmer place and I've always thought that honestly facing up to things does engender calm once the shock wears off.
I understand that weird feeling of sharing a bed with someone that we are breaking ties with - I decided at one time that I was being more honest with myself when I slept separately. When it feels right for you I'm sure your HP will help you find a way to get the mattresses sorted out.
I used to think it was a bit like trying to ride two horses at once, feeling betwixt and between things, but your progress, the way you've been handling some very difficult situations strikes me as really well done. It is difficult, it will pass, step by step - I think that your judgement seems really sounds and I'd trust you to take the next right steps. Keep it simple used to be a phrase that helped me as well!
I did move out of my home with my daughter this past June. The logistics were overwhelming but I did use them as a way to stay in the present. In my case, I had gotten an apartment but it had no furniture in it initially. I went to Target and got a blow up mattress (which was quite comfortable) and slept on that. My daughter stayed at her best friend's house while I started the task of pulling the apartment together. Those were tumultuous days but I felt like I was moving toward the light so it kept me going.
All the best to you and sending you love and support. Beth
Quick note...My situation, at times, was very similar. That said, I made accommodations for my peace, serenity, etc. I bought a blow up mattress. I got a futon. I would not sleep in the same bed. I couldn't. I needed space and distance -- I needed to detach, both physically and emotionally. Being that close didn't work -- and she was constantly trying to have me involved in her stuff, and so was her family. Even though she didn't want to go to rehab, just sitting around, dropping hints on status reports, what was going on, etc. -- I had to detach.
When I left, I took more stuff than I had to and had room for -- but I did it because my goal was to get out and get out fast When I got everything over to my new place, then I threw out stuff. LOL. I had to make it a priority to get my mattress out ASAP, ask friends, rely and lean on people who cared about me, people from program, and so on. Look for ways to do it...not reasons you can't. All the best.
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 28th of August 2017 09:18:33 AM
I've also left and slept at friends, hotels, car and more. It's been a rough journey for a long time. So - from a program perspective, do whatever you need to do for you + Kid at any point in time. When my boys were smaller, I literally threw them in the car, went and bought a tent and we camped out many weekends.
My go-to slogan when insanity/chaos/drama is swirling around me and I can not depart, is Bless Them - Change Me. I repeat this over and over and over again in my head and do what I can to change things up. My guys used to follow me around the house when I was trying to get away from the craziness and I discovered a couple places they don't go - bathroom & laundry room. I've spent some quality time in both over the years.
I used the serenity prayer often to help me decide what I could change vs. what I could not....the tools we learn here are truly miraculous as they will and do carry us through anything when we remember to use them and pick them up.
I'm sending you tons of (((hugs))), prayers and some positive energy. You are growing and working recovery - I can see it! Keep doing you and keep moving forward, one day at a time. And - don't forget to breathe....
I'm a little more hard core .. he had to leave .. my XAH did not stay in the house. I asked him to and he went, at first willingly and then he fought me.
I tend to agree with the other posters .. do what you need to do to get to your new home for your own sanity. Sleeping on the floor is not a long term solution however short term pain for long term gain. Reaching out to others regarding beds and so on has always worked for me. Thankfully I have found that HP always provides.
Your sanity, serenity and so on are what counts and that's what needs to be put first and foremost. YOU and your kiddo .. what's good for you believe it or not winds up being good for everyone else involved .. so hang tough and long term you honestly do not know what HP's plan is .. I just think it's important to get out of the way and allow his HP to deal with him while yours deals with you and your situation.
Stay close to your sponsor, meetings and program. You are so worth it and whatever happens .. I can absolutely validate .. you will be ok.
Hugs S :)
What I learned from my sponsor was to choose the consequences I wanted and then do what was required/necessary to get those consequences...It works when you work it. Stumbling and mistakes count for lessons so I didn't worry about them. ((((hugs))))