Good morning everyone, it's 10am and I'm still in bed. I work a late shift but usually would be up by now. Today however the anxiety and maybe depression have had their way. The last time I checked in my MI son had just come home and the A was having a good tantrum. My own drama is that I'm supposed to be having a major surgery done in November. I have to have a payment of a few thousands by then, and I ultimately knew it was my own responsibility to have it. Even though deep inside I'd hoped both the A and my son would somehow help with the household bills like I'd asked them so that I could save the money I needed, I knew it would zone to me looking after myself. After my son's issues, the car broke down and its problems kept getting more expensive, I've realized how exhausted I truly am. I can feel my scalp strangling my hair follicles and there's a lump in my throat that owes me rent by now. While looking online for ways to help my son, I took an anxiety test on a whim thinking it's okay, not that bad, I'm dealing with things, and the results said, please contact your physician. Haha. I know that nothing changes if nothing changes, but it starts getting discouraging after each step forward results in something breaking, a fee, fine, surcharge that can't be afforded. Sometimes I wonder if I just go back to the shadows and hide, will "the gremlins" go bother someone else for a while? At this point, since finances are a mess anyway I'm going to speak to HR about possibly borrowing against my retirement to get the surgery out of the way and either fix or possibly get another bucket of bolts for the meantime. Because times are mean right now. So, for today I'm working on getting and keeping the Courage to Change. And I'll keep coming back.
-- Edited by Paloma Negra on Saturday 26th of August 2017 01:33:16 PM
Paloma Negra said
Aug 26, 2017
I like to shop at the Goodwill stores partly because I'm the only Breadwinner in this house and I can't afford to buy something new for myself, and also I like seeing the variety of things that people have donated. A few times I've walked by and seen suitcases with the wheels and thinking how much I would like to get one of those suitcases pack a few changes of clothes and just leave what keeps me here? Is it reason is it practicality is it love is it Duty?
Jerry F said
Aug 26, 2017
Paloma welcome to the board and it seems you are into that most major journey in recovery I also found myself in and decided to stay and work...Self Discovery. How so very important to get to know the one person I had lived my whole entire life with and didn't know anything about until then...me. Self discovery being able to see and understand my self without shadows or covers or false justifications coming from fear and denial. It was powerful stuff for me to understand the truth about me and to be able to say to my alcoholic/addict and others, "That's not true" when falsely accused of some personal detail or deed. How awesome to arrive at the truth with realistic acceptance and a smile and my Higher Powers voice telling me, "I love you without exception".
Vent on sister. Keep doing the work and digging and let us know what you come up with. (((((Hugs)))))
Aline said
Aug 26, 2017
Hugs, ((((Paloma)))), so glad you are here. For me, what kept (often still keeps) me from doing the next right move is firstly fear, I've found, and such a terrible beast it is, it had me deep in its claws for years, and it hasn't been easy to face it... One of the blessings in recovery was being able to go through many of my fears, they were eating at me more, I think, than anything else. Keep on keeping on, there is hope and help in Alanon. I send you my best wishes, keep sharing, it so helps to heal :) One day at a time
Thunder said
Aug 26, 2017
Hello I am new to this forum and don't know exactly how to work this. I am a bit upset and am new to the face-to-face meetings in Al-Anon. I am really angry with myself and those negative thoughts keep coming up. Today in the face to face meeting that talked about step 3 having a spiritual awaking. I am surrounded by A and Drug addicts the entire family from mother, sister, brothers and son. It's overwhelming at it makes me so sick. My mother is in her end stages of life and has dementia and I don't seem to have patience. Listening to the people talk today I guess I am the rescue person and I don't think they want rescuing. This makes my (as they say) life unmanageable and I start to hate myself because I can't change them and I certainly do destructive things to myself. Wanting something different wanting to run away. I have health challenges and get very upset because I can't seem to get well. No one is coming to my aid. My son is doing the d and I hate it. I just hate it and oh boy I feel so resentful towards God that I would give birth to that because God kept me from it. Oh well, God help me this evening I feel so sick to my stomach i can't think.
Aline said
Aug 26, 2017
Welcome to MIP, Thunder, so sorry for what you're going through... I used to be sick to my stomach daily, most days, for a long time... The serenity prayer has been very helpful to me in difficult times, still is, and there are many other useful tools that Alanon provides to let us recover, like the slogans, and more. I've found that the promises of Alanon are a wonderful reminder that there is indeed hope even in the darkest of pits, I used to read them daily when I was at my most low. You can find them here on the board, near the top. Hugs and best wishes for you, I'm glad you are here, keep coming back.
Bo said
Aug 26, 2017
Paloma Negra wrote:
Good morning everyone, it's 10am and I'm still in bed. I work a late shift but usually would be up by now. Today however the anxiety and maybe depression have had their way. The last time I checked in my MI son had just come home and the A was having a good tantrum. My own drama is that I'm supposed to be having a major surgery done in November. I have to have a payment of a few thousands by then, and I ultimately knew it was my own responsibility to have it. Even though deep inside I'd hoped both the A and my son would somehow help with the household bills like I'd asked them so that I could save the money I needed, I knew it would zone to me looking after myself. After my son's issues, the car broke down and its problems kept getting more expensive, I've realized how exhausted I truly am. I can feel my scalp strangling my hair follicles and there's a lump in my throat that owes me rent by now. While looking online for ways to help my son, I took an anxiety test on a whim thinking it's okay, not that bad, I'm dealing with things, and the results said, please contact your physician. Haha. I know that nothing changes if nothing changes, but it starts getting discouraging after each step forward results in something breaking, a fee, fine, surcharge that can't be afforded. Sometimes I wonder if I just go back to the shadows and hide, will "the gremlins" go bother someone else for a while? At this point, since finances are a mess anyway I'm going to speak to HR about possibly borrowing against my retirement to get the surgery out of the way and either fix or possibly get another bucket of bolts for the meantime. Because times are mean right now. So, for today I'm working on getting and keeping the Courage to Change. And I'll keep coming back.
-- Edited by Paloma Negra on Saturday 26th of August 2017 01:33:16 PM
PN -- I understand how you feel and what you are going through. My experience is, now more than ever, you should focus on you, your health, your well-being, and take care of yourself. A parent tends to always want to help a child, and I get that, but like you said, nothing changes if nothing changes. High hopes and low expectations -- and you won't be disappointed, won't be consumed by it, and hopefully you can and will feel better. If your son and A don't help, step up, etc. -- you are doing so. For you! Hang in there.
Bo said
Aug 26, 2017
Thunder wrote:
Hello I am new to this forum and don't know exactly how to work this. I am a bit upset and am new to the face-to-face meetings in Al-Anon. I am really angry with myself and those negative thoughts keep coming up. Today in the face to face meeting that talked about step 3 having a spiritual awaking. I am surrounded by A and Drug addicts the entire family from mother, sister, brothers and son. It's overwhelming at it makes me so sick. My mother is in her end stages of life and has dementia and I don't seem to have patience. Listening to the people talk today I guess I am the rescue person and I don't think they want rescuing. This makes my (as they say) life unmanageable and I start to hate myself because I can't change them and I certainly do destructive things to myself. Wanting something different wanting to run away. I have health challenges and get very upset because I can't seem to get well. No one is coming to my aid. My son is doing the d and I hate it. I just hate it and oh boy I feel so resentful towards God that I would give birth to that because God kept me from it. Oh well, God help me this evening I feel so sick to my stomach i can't think.
Welcome Thunder. If you are going to face to face al-anon meetings, then you are in the right place. Being angry at yourself is common. Many of us hear have been through and have felt what you are feeling -- and many of us have gone through it as well, so there is a great deal of hope and success here. The negative thoughts, and even behaviors keep coming up and that too is very common. Alcoholism and drug addiction are very dangerous, progressive, cunning, baffling, insidious, enigmatic, and decimating diseases -- for both the alcoholic/addict and for their loved ones and people around them. It is very overwhelming for us, it consumes us and we get so focused on and wrapped up in the alcoholic/addict -- and that is why we come here -- to focus on ourselves, learn what we need to do to get better and get healthy.
If you are struggling now -- try to call someone, pick up the phone, or go to a meeting. Lean on people who understand and can help you. Lean on the program. Go back to the basics -- step one -- acceptance. Immerse yourself in acceptance, and focus on you.
Keep coming back.
Iamhere said
Aug 26, 2017
Paloma - Sending you tons of hugs and support - this disease is difficult yet recovery brings us new lessons all the time! I'm sorry for the stress but do support and applaud the self-care of rest for today!
Welcome to MIP Thunder - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. I'm so sorry for the disease that is all around you. It is a dreadful disease that is progressive and far-reaching, to include almost all family and friends who love or live with an alcoholic. I can relate to much of what you share - I too was surrounded by it - my AH + my 2 sons.
I went to many meetings and got a sponsor straight up. I got phone numbers and started working the steps. I began to get some sanity back and accepted how powerless I am over other people, places and things. I made drastic changes to my life and my days, and added boundaries for self-preservation. I know when one is in the trenches, it feels hopeless - I remember that so well! Slowly, my thinking and actions and attitudes began to change and so did my life, my joy and my days.
Know that we are here for you as best we can be - you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery! Sending tons of hugs your way ((()))...
mamalioness said
Aug 26, 2017
hey Paloma...today they had a 50% off sale at GW on practically everything...Like you, I have to watch my money, but love nice clothes, books, dog toys (theylove stuff animals) and also stuff needed for house, etc....so i had a blast on $25... I figured with all the unhappiness of late happening to me, I deserved it...screw the necessities....My bills somehow got paid with work being slow as I've been sick with grief over my sister's death, but somehow I kept things in check, bills and food wise....so I plunked down $25 today on some great, designer jeans and tops.....where can I get J Crew for $3.50??? and I like the "high end" stuff, LOL.....when I need money for something, somehow I can get creative and rig it up....I don't spend anymore on my abusive adopted daughter and I find myself meeting my needs a whole lot better.....I decided to give from my heart and don't give if I don't feel right about it.....I check my motives when I DO give to another...Do I have it?? Am I trying to "buy" their love??? if I feel I may??? I DONT......also I mow 1/2 ofmy yard where the dogs yard is and handyman does the other half...so I save there...........I related a lot to your post and wanted to weigh in and say "hello" and welcome....
milkwood said
Aug 27, 2017
Good morning Paloma, I think that I would be feeling some anxiety if I had a big operation looking and needed to raise the funds to cover it as well - I love the way that you are thinking this through and the messages of self-care that you've been receiving as well. I'm a great one for bolting and sometimes it is just because I need to find some quiet time away from interruptions so your suitcases, and the questions they raise resonate with me too! It is good to have you with us.
Welcome Thunder and thank you for joining in, and for your honest post as well. I think I that I can relate to what you say about turning our anger into self-destructive thoughts and then behaviour too. These pages and my Al Anon meetings have helped me to be more gentle with myself. I like to help others, I find it rewarding if I can be of use and I was brought up to believe that I should treat others as I'd like them to treat me so it was a bit of a shock when I realised that when I needed support it wasn't always available from other people!! I was angry with myself about that for a while. My own thinking went along the lines of 'I don't want to be a non-giving person; but sometimes my giving isn't welcome or helpful, it can make another person feel disabled; so its my fault??!!!!!; but I like my generosity!!; So who do I give to and what do I need in order to keep on giving in more positive ways? What am I actually giving?' My answers included a need to give to myself if I wanted to get healthy - that was my first priority if I wanted to stay generous. I think I was a bit burnt out and worn down - not surprising really given the circumstances!
Good morning everyone, it's 10am and I'm still in bed. I work a late shift but usually would be up by now. Today however the anxiety and maybe depression have had their way. The last time I checked in my MI son had just come home and the A was having a good tantrum. My own drama is that I'm supposed to be having a major surgery done in November. I have to have a payment of a few thousands by then, and I ultimately knew it was my own responsibility to have it. Even though deep inside I'd hoped both the A and my son would somehow help with the household bills like I'd asked them so that I could save the money I needed, I knew it would zone to me looking after myself. After my son's issues, the car broke down and its problems kept getting more expensive, I've realized how exhausted I truly am. I can feel my scalp strangling my hair follicles and there's a lump in my throat that owes me rent by now. While looking online for ways to help my son, I took an anxiety test on a whim thinking it's okay, not that bad, I'm dealing with things, and the results said, please contact your physician. Haha. I know that nothing changes if nothing changes, but it starts getting discouraging after each step forward results in something breaking, a fee, fine, surcharge that can't be afforded. Sometimes I wonder if I just go back to the shadows and hide, will "the gremlins" go bother someone else for a while? At this point, since finances are a mess anyway I'm going to speak to HR about possibly borrowing against my retirement to get the surgery out of the way and either fix or possibly get another bucket of bolts for the meantime. Because times are mean right now. So, for today I'm working on getting and keeping the Courage to Change. And I'll keep coming back.
-- Edited by Paloma Negra on Saturday 26th of August 2017 01:33:16 PM
Paloma welcome to the board and it seems you are into that most major journey in recovery I also found myself in and decided to stay and work...Self Discovery. How so very important to get to know the one person I had lived my whole entire life with and didn't know anything about until then...me. Self discovery being able to see and understand my self without shadows or covers or false justifications coming from fear and denial. It was powerful stuff for me to understand the truth about me and to be able to say to my alcoholic/addict and others, "That's not true" when falsely accused of some personal detail or deed. How awesome to arrive at the truth with realistic acceptance and a smile and my Higher Powers voice telling me, "I love you without exception".
Vent on sister. Keep doing the work and digging and let us know what you come up with. (((((Hugs)))))
PN -- I understand how you feel and what you are going through. My experience is, now more than ever, you should focus on you, your health, your well-being, and take care of yourself. A parent tends to always want to help a child, and I get that, but like you said, nothing changes if nothing changes. High hopes and low expectations -- and you won't be disappointed, won't be consumed by it, and hopefully you can and will feel better. If your son and A don't help, step up, etc. -- you are doing so. For you! Hang in there.
Welcome Thunder. If you are going to face to face al-anon meetings, then you are in the right place. Being angry at yourself is common. Many of us hear have been through and have felt what you are feeling -- and many of us have gone through it as well, so there is a great deal of hope and success here. The negative thoughts, and even behaviors keep coming up and that too is very common. Alcoholism and drug addiction are very dangerous, progressive, cunning, baffling, insidious, enigmatic, and decimating diseases -- for both the alcoholic/addict and for their loved ones and people around them. It is very overwhelming for us, it consumes us and we get so focused on and wrapped up in the alcoholic/addict -- and that is why we come here -- to focus on ourselves, learn what we need to do to get better and get healthy.
If you are struggling now -- try to call someone, pick up the phone, or go to a meeting. Lean on people who understand and can help you. Lean on the program. Go back to the basics -- step one -- acceptance. Immerse yourself in acceptance, and focus on you.
Keep coming back.
Welcome to MIP Thunder - glad you found us and glad that you joined right in. I'm so sorry for the disease that is all around you. It is a dreadful disease that is progressive and far-reaching, to include almost all family and friends who love or live with an alcoholic. I can relate to much of what you share - I too was surrounded by it - my AH + my 2 sons.
I went to many meetings and got a sponsor straight up. I got phone numbers and started working the steps. I began to get some sanity back and accepted how powerless I am over other people, places and things. I made drastic changes to my life and my days, and added boundaries for self-preservation. I know when one is in the trenches, it feels hopeless - I remember that so well! Slowly, my thinking and actions and attitudes began to change and so did my life, my joy and my days.
Know that we are here for you as best we can be - you are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery! Sending tons of hugs your way ((()))...
hey Paloma...today they had a 50% off sale at GW on practically everything...Like you, I have to watch my money, but love nice clothes, books, dog toys (theylove stuff animals) and also stuff needed for house, etc....so i had a blast on $25... I figured with all the unhappiness of late happening to me, I deserved it...screw the necessities....My bills somehow got paid with work being slow as I've been sick with grief over my sister's death, but somehow I kept things in check, bills and food wise....so I plunked down $25 today on some great, designer jeans and tops.....where can I get J Crew for $3.50??? and I like the "high end" stuff, LOL.....when I need money for something, somehow I can get creative and rig it up....I don't spend anymore on my abusive adopted daughter and I find myself meeting my needs a whole lot better.....I decided to give from my heart and don't give if I don't feel right about it.....I check my motives when I DO give to another...Do I have it?? Am I trying to "buy" their love??? if I feel I may??? I DONT......also I mow 1/2 ofmy yard where the dogs yard is and handyman does the other half...so I save there...........I related a lot to your post and wanted to weigh in and say "hello" and welcome....
Welcome Thunder and thank you for joining in, and for your honest post as well. I think I that I can relate to what you say about turning our anger into self-destructive thoughts and then behaviour too. These pages and my Al Anon meetings have helped me to be more gentle with myself. I like to help others, I find it rewarding if I can be of use and I was brought up to believe that I should treat others as I'd like them to treat me so it was a bit of a shock when I realised that when I needed support it wasn't always available from other people!! I was angry with myself about that for a while. My own thinking went along the lines of 'I don't want to be a non-giving person; but sometimes my giving isn't welcome or helpful, it can make another person feel disabled; so its my fault??!!!!!; but I like my generosity!!; So who do I give to and what do I need in order to keep on giving in more positive ways? What am I actually giving?' My answers included a need to give to myself if I wanted to get healthy - that was my first priority if I wanted to stay generous. I think I was a bit burnt out and worn down - not surprising really given the circumstances!