Yesterday I learnt that my husband relapsed and that this happened a year ago.  Not my problem, just sad.

With this awareness comes awareness of a lot of lies and those do hurt, although not as much as they used to.

I've been away studying for ten months with occasional visits home. Now after my course has finished and I've been back home one month I'm ok in myself but feel very demotivated about our relationship, which seems pretty natural really.  Today I'm relaxing and waiting to see what feels like a positive next right step for me.  If I'm honest I can't feel good about myself if I stay in a relationship without a decent amount of honesty and that move wasn't on my radar twenty four hours ago. So I'm adjusting.  Bother!!!

Thank you MIP for being here so I could tell the universe and get this off my chest.

Hello Milkwood,

So sorry to read about the relapse and all that goes with it.  I want you to know that I find a lot of inspiration in your shares and have no doubt you will take the " next right steps" for you. Having an A spouse is so, so difficult. The answers will come, as you know.

Hugs and thoughts for you,

Ellen

Hope you'll keep sharing. The answers will come that are right for you and for your life. I relate to what you've shared. In my experience, a separation - him in long term rehab and myself earning a degree brought about a lot of new and unforeseen changes in both of us. Relapse is certainly common and my own situation was no exception. We were both relapsed in our programs. It felt much easier to work Alanon when I was away from him as just a visitor to him rather than experiencing the day to day strife of living with alcoholism. I admit to you honestly that I was glad that he was tucked away, cared for and someone else's problem while I separately worked on improving myself. Had my hp not given me such a reprieve, I think I would have lost my mind. With personal growth, it seemed a lot of work to adjust a to what I perceived to be an old reality - that no matter what I did, I was not going to be able to beat his disease into submission. That could only come from a partnership between him and his hp. So, I surrendered it all to hp and waited for answers. 

I wish you the best as you continue the journey of self discovery and weigh your motivations for future decisions.  ((hugs)))  TT

I remember how I felt when I learned my AW relapsed -- it was a huge mixing bowl of emotions. Fear, anger, disappointment, resentment, indifference (yes, that was a surprise, LOL), sadness, and, yes, a lack of motivation, demotivation, about our relationship. I spend a great deal of time with my sponsor on this -- to help prevent me from slipping and sliding backward, from regressing, and trying to get and stay better. My sponsor worked with me and helped me get back to the basics, the very basics -- as basic as it comes -- step one. Acceptance. I had to accept, truly accept, that there was nothing I could do about my AW, and her relapse, whether or not she would relapse, etc. I had to substitute this relapse and what was going on, for what I learned way back on day one, simply my AW's drinking. It was all about acceptance. I immersed myself in acceptance and did a lot of work.

Once I was in a place of acceptance, I was able to focus on me and stay grounded -- in my program, in the steps, in what I needed to do to get better, and get healthy. The lies, the cheating, everything, I had to learn and go back to acceptance...and then detachment. I had to detach both physically and emotionally. When I did -- it worked -- it being, I got better. I got healthy. I focused on me. The reality started coming out -- I started seeing what the reality of the relationship really was. I was demotivated -- and there was reason to be. In my experience, it is natural. During my recovery, I started to look at -- how did I want to live the rest of my life? Even though I was getting healthy, and even if my AW quit drinking, it didn't mean "all" was OK. Whether or not she was healthy, in recovery, or whatever -- it still didn't mean all was OK. Is this the life I want to live? Is this the way I want to live the rest of my life?

In looking at what type of marriage, relationship, partnership, etc., that I wanted to be in -- that wasn't easy. I constantly debated, in my own head, even though I wasn't "happy" and couldn't feel good about myself, how could I live without her? It was a double-edge sword, with each side being very sharp, not what I wanted, painful, scary, and so on. However, when I focused on me, the question or mindset went from live without her, can I, how can I, do I want to, etc. -- to -- that I couldn't live with her. I could not be healthy and happy -- truly and completely -- living with her, living that way, having that kind of life, and so on. That's just me.

For me, the bottom line -- was to focus on me. Thanks.

so sad that one cannot "expect" their spouse to be honest??  A moral soo basic and essential to having a good, mutual, equal relationship..... I know...Was there....I couldn't deal with it....trust is a HUGE issue with me.....I won't compromise on morals and trust....I just saw so much amorality and dishonesty growing up and teh damage it did to us kids, I won't let it in my life ever again........My sister has been dead for exactly one month now....her daughters promised me her blanket that I bought her and a part of her ashes  "AS SOON AS the service is over-----"   that was Aug 12th..I know niece #1 has already moved her son in my sister's room.....I don't expect any thing from these girls.....I may not get any ashes or her blanket....it is what it is.....Karma is tough on those who make promises and don't keep them........I am doing the next right thing by me....getting my health back after my body gave out on the 12th and doing my tapping therapy with my program.....I think this could very well help me................Just saying

 Hey Milkwood....good for you..studying adn taking care of you.....I get it re: "Feeling very demotivated about relationship"  I also relate to the "can't feel good about myself if I stay in a relationship without a decent amount of honesty"   I sooo relate....How did I even relate to my AH#1...AH#2 was basically honest, but #1??? If he told me it was raining, I would think it was sunny....He was never honest....so there was nothing to our relationship...Hence it only lasted 5 years and I was separated from him for most of that....I can't deal with folks I cannot believe or trust.....I grew up with that...I wont' do it again.....I like what you say about "so i'm adjusting"   adjusting means to me, that you are contemplating what is the best and next right thing to do for you.......and I also think you're smart...relaxing and waiting to see what feels like a positive next right step for you.....when you relax and wait....your inner HP can guide you and it will be right.........NICE share, Milkwood.....take care

I'm so grateful for all the wisdom here, and for the warmth I feel in receiving your acknowledgement to my ripples, thank you all so much. I can see your understanding and empathy in all your posts.

It takes practise for me to keep my focus on me which is why I need quiet time so that I can sense my reactions - most of which have been the automatic ugh so far. But I'm aware that just beyond these feelings there will be a thought that sits quietly with me and feels affirming. In the meantime, I'm living in the moment.

El-cee, I found going to Uni so helpful - it boosted my confidence and introduced me to a whole range of circumstances and people and I thrived there, as you say it helped to build up my trust in myself and I'm so pleased that you felt those benefits as well.

Mamalioness and Lynne, your comments affirm my valuing of trust and integrity. I've found that one of my less helpful coping strategies has been to simply accept when someone is untrustworthy and I've been disinclined to step beyond that thought. However I think that if I met someone in day to day life who I knew was dishonest I would probably steer well clear of them. Coming to that realisation in my marriage takes a bit more time since I'm unwrapping many years of belief and on a practical note the implications of my being honest with myself include finding a new home and building a new life. Thankfully that part of it is sounding more like an adventure than a chore these days. I find that when I can visualise a scenario I'm more inclined to move towards it.

Betty, your faith in the programme is inspirational and I value your loving reminders.

Paloma N - Hello! Your by-line talks about releasing our views and I find that really helpful today, thank you.

IAH - (((((Hugs)))))

Bo - I'm not sure if I've ever told you, but I get so much from your shares, thank you. That sword sounds familiar and today's lesson is going to be about focusing on myself I think.

Tiredtonight - I felt completely understood as I read your post, thank you. Yes, my time away has changed me in small but important ways that do call for some adjustments in the way I live my life - a good thing btw!!

Thank you for your kind words Ellen. Is that a dahlia in your picture? Those petals look like beautiful day beds for visiting bees!

Gently does it!

I've been seeing the news from Texas and my thoughts go out to all those affected by the hurricane.