can someone tell me at what stage 'in the rooms' of AA do phone numbers get exchanged. Is it something that happens between members when they are having cosy one to one chats with each other. I can't for the life of me see where amongst the sharing and quoting of working the programme etc, it is suggested to exchange phone numbers so secret texting (secret from wife's/husbands/partners) can be done. I am so sad that this has happened to me. Can't get it out of my mind, can't sleep, go out of the house to have a weep.
hotrod said
Aug 25, 2017
Welcome Preetzie, Both AA and Alanon suggest that members (especially new comers) exchange telephone numbers so that if ever they find themselves in a difficult, painful situation, they can receive emotional,and spiritual support from like minded fellows. It is suggested that same sex members interact so as to protect against emotiona abuse. I is important for us to understand that we are powerless over people places and things.
Alanon is a recovery program for family members who have lived with the problem of alcoholism . Face to face meetings are held in most communities and it is here that I received the support from those who understood like no one else .I developed new constructive tools to live by, such as living one day, using prayer and meditation, to not react but to respond in a constructive manner. Telephone calls in between meetings helps me to keep centered on the new tools Please keep coming back program works.
Bo said
Aug 25, 2017
Welcome Peetzie -- as far as exchanging telephone numbers, this is very, very common, and often takes place immediately. Not only is it common, it is a very important part of recover, getting clean and sober, staying clean and sober, etc. There is a very strong, important, fellowship -- in both AA and al-anon. The fellow members "in the rooms" -- in each respective room, are the primary support system for the newcomer, and all members. This aspect, in al-anon, saved my life.
In addition, while I can't speak for everyone, every situation,etc. -- my experience is that the motivation is not so secret texting can be done. Not at all. While I understand you are sad and this is creating anxiety for you, and perhaps more emotions as well -- if you go to face to face al-anon meetings, and start to learn, understand, etc., about this disease and the impact it has on loved ones, this will make more sense to you and you will feel differently about it.
Keep coming back.
Lyne said
Aug 25, 2017
Welcome from me as well-At my F2F meeting we keep a written list of all who want to be available by phone, email, and/or text. You could ask at your meeting if they keep a list. So even if they don't, you are putting your needs out there, and I am hoping one or more members would step forward to help you. Every meeting is different so if your's isn't working for you, try another! Lyne
Iamhere said
Aug 25, 2017
Welcome to MIP Peetzie - glad you found us and glad that you shared. My experience is similar to what's above....phone numbers are given out/shared at the first meeting and many in recovery continue to gather them continuously. This practice is for support from another who understands the journey or recovering from addiction and/or for immediate support for 'crisis' type issues.
I hope you are working on your own recovery in Al-Anon, and that you take good care of you! Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
shrnp said
Aug 26, 2017
Welcome Peetzie,
After meetings some people have coffee and talk. AA does not encourage new intimate relationships because the emotions can threaten ones sobriety. I agree with everyone that you can find an Alanon meeting for yourself. You are just as important and you can talk to others going through the same thing as yourself.
mamalioness said
Aug 26, 2017
Hi!! Welcome to the MIP board........When I went, I and other FEMALES exchanged cell numbers for support purposes....it is suggested that one picks same sex recovery partners and/or sponsors.....I had ONE male that kinda "fell on me" but he was in a serious (later married her) relationship and she was an al-anon and KNEW all about me....."L" sponsored me for a short while until, as it was agreed, I found a female sponsor.....so it worked for me, but that was an exception....i prefer to work with female partners because some of my stuff, FOO issues , i am more comfortable talking wtih a lady........sorry you are experiencing this.....keep taking care of you, focusing on you, working on you and whatever will happen is gonna happen because you cannot control another.....just keep taking care of /working on you.....you will grow enough in program to make good decisions on what is best for your life goals.........please keep coming back
WestMan said
Aug 28, 2017
Hi Peetzi. Sorry you're having to deal with this kind of pain. I can relate. My spouse was messaging someone about AA prior to my knowing that she was thinking of going. She was very dodgy and acting secretive and I didn't understand why. I was feeling similarly to how you are now. Anxious, couldn't sleep, etc.
I wasn't able to discuss this rationally until I had been to a few live meetings. Rather than accuse or try to find out who she was messaging I approached it by trying to place the focus on me. My own actions and needs. I told her that I understood that when I entered a room and she's obviously scrambling to shut down her screen that this was hurtful and created an interest in me where before I was just going to get a pair of socks or drink of water or something. I let her know that I understood she needed to have private conversations with people but that she actually make it private. Rather than be sitting in some area where others commonly go and then freak out when I walk by.
It didn't make everything completely better but it did help. I wouldn't have figured out this approach without face to face Al-Anon meetings.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 28, 2017
Big Hugs,
You have already had great ESH here, I just want to say welcome and I hope you find you are not alone. Keep coming back .. it works if you work it and you are worth it.
Hugs S :)
Doingmybest said
Aug 29, 2017
Hi P,
I am a greatful member whose RAH has been in recovery for over 28 months. AA is EXTREMELY important to him and he is very, very careful with anonymity. With that being said, we had issues when he was drinking about possible infidelity, but I never had firm proof...just my intuition. Of course, I have come to accept this, as I can not change it. He even admitted he wanted me to think he was unfaithful because I was always insinuating it or directly accusing him. I was not a very good person at the time, if I am honest.
Anyway, I have addressed the issue of females with him even after he reached sobriety with AA because he had a particular person using too personal greetings and "nicknames" with him and also expecting him to be available to her at any and all times of the day or night (phone calls). She was work and not AA related. Anyway, when I met her, she even had the audacity to say "so this is my competition ". At first, I was my old furious self, but I finally "got it". I knew there was no way he was truly involved with this person, other than a friendship so I calmly and softly (hard for me to do) told him how it made me feel for him to allow another person to be that "familiar" with him. I want to make it clear I did not accuse him of anything and told him I trusted him and supported his judgment, but needed my husband to understand my feelings as well (and to consider how he would feel if a man were calling me and displaying that type of familiarity).
After our discussion, he must have spoken to her because her tone changed quite a bit. I have come to like her actually. I made the first step too because I would ask him to tell "T" I said "hey" and he would. It helped so much, though I am honest if I say I had to work at it. Now, the relationship is exactly as it should be. I realize he was allowing her to "play" and she was helping him by typing reports and other documents. It was a way of getting help he needed for him and nothing more. Then, she understood he is faithful to his wife and they were to be only friends, but she still helped when she could "not because he is lazy...far from it...but time simply did not permit him to do all assigned tasks as he was asked to take on managerial duties for every region, ad to still do his "regular" job. There was simply no way a human could do it all.
I got off track a little bit, but I wanted to ask if you felt comfortable speaking to him about your fears and feelings (if you have been to Al-Anon...because if you don't understand the program your words may make things worse...like cause an argument). He may simply not understand how this bothers you...or he may. I cannot judge him or you. I can simply say in my case there was no reason for concern and I only had to express my feelings and ask him to consider them with his actions and he did. I realize that is not going to happen if your A is still active, but if in recovery and attending meetings, he may appreciate it...depending upon the words you choose.
I also wanted to say that after literally more than 20 years of insane jealousy and extremely poor behavior on my part, I have come to trust my husband and no longer feel the need to "check up" on him or to ask who he is talking to, or to even question his motives. This is an internal change in me. I have absolutely no control over him or his behavior and most certainly no control over women throwing themselves at him. It kind of gives me a chuckle now. If often tease him about the attention he gets (he is a very attractive man) and play silly games like my daughter and I doing the "bend and snap" from the movie Legally Blond to show him how the ladies at his new assignment will great him. He was stunned because I had changed and laughed (we actually burst out in giggles and laughter at the look on his face) about it instead of being so petrified about him being attracted to someone else. It is the change in me that matters! I decided to change and his behavior changed with me.
I'm not suggesting you are wrong or right in your assessment of the situation, only telling you about what happened in my situation. Only you can set your boundaries (and they are for you...not for him). You can decide what is a deal breaker. I do think it is only fair that you know how to "speak Al-Anon" before you address him with your feelings...if you address it al all. Everything is your choice here and you control you! He is going to do what he is going to do. You have to decide what s right and good for you to live with. I feel, however, that in my case I never really gave him the opportunity to understand my feelings (not that he cared when he was active), so I expected him to just read my mind. Instead, he just ignored me because I was constantly bit--ing again. I can't say I blame him for that.
I am not suggesting I was responsible for his actions because I was not, but I was responsible for mine (and still am). When I slip, I immediately apologize with a sincere heart (which is obvious to someone who loves you). When he slips (not drinking wise), he takes a few minutes or hours to cool down and then apologizes to me. It works for us.
Good luck my friend. Please read that CAL (conference approved literature) even if you cannot face meetings because the info it contains is priceless!!! Just look in the back for the topic and read, read, read. All of the books are great!! Take what you like and leave the rest. :)
can someone tell me at what stage 'in the rooms' of AA do phone numbers get exchanged. Is it something that happens between members when they are having cosy one to one chats with each other. I can't for the life of me see where amongst the sharing and quoting of working the programme etc, it is suggested to exchange phone numbers so secret texting (secret from wife's/husbands/partners) can be done. I am so sad that this has happened to me. Can't get it out of my mind, can't sleep, go out of the house to have a weep.
Welcome Preetzie, Both AA and Alanon suggest that members (especially new comers) exchange telephone numbers so that if ever they find themselves in a difficult, painful situation, they can receive emotional,and spiritual support from like minded fellows. It is suggested that same sex members interact so as to protect against emotiona abuse. I is important for us to understand that we are powerless over people places and things.
Alanon is a recovery program for family members who have lived with the problem of alcoholism . Face to face meetings are held in most communities and it is here that I received the support from those who understood like no one else .I developed new constructive tools to live by, such as living one day, using prayer and meditation, to not react but to respond in a constructive manner. Telephone calls in between meetings helps me to keep centered on the new tools
Please keep coming back program works.
Welcome Peetzie -- as far as exchanging telephone numbers, this is very, very common, and often takes place immediately. Not only is it common, it is a very important part of recover, getting clean and sober, staying clean and sober, etc. There is a very strong, important, fellowship -- in both AA and al-anon. The fellow members "in the rooms" -- in each respective room, are the primary support system for the newcomer, and all members. This aspect, in al-anon, saved my life.
In addition, while I can't speak for everyone, every situation,etc. -- my experience is that the motivation is not so secret texting can be done. Not at all. While I understand you are sad and this is creating anxiety for you, and perhaps more emotions as well -- if you go to face to face al-anon meetings, and start to learn, understand, etc., about this disease and the impact it has on loved ones, this will make more sense to you and you will feel differently about it.
Keep coming back.
I hope you are working on your own recovery in Al-Anon, and that you take good care of you! Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!
After meetings some people have coffee and talk. AA does not encourage new intimate relationships because the emotions can threaten ones sobriety. I agree with everyone that you can find an Alanon meeting for yourself. You are just as important and you can talk to others going through the same thing as yourself.
Hi!! Welcome to the MIP board........When I went, I and other FEMALES exchanged cell numbers for support purposes....it is suggested that one picks same sex recovery partners and/or sponsors.....I had ONE male that kinda "fell on me" but he was in a serious (later married her) relationship and she was an al-anon and KNEW all about me....."L" sponsored me for a short while until, as it was agreed, I found a female sponsor.....so it worked for me, but that was an exception....i prefer to work with female partners because some of my stuff, FOO issues , i am more comfortable talking wtih a lady........sorry you are experiencing this.....keep taking care of you, focusing on you, working on you and whatever will happen is gonna happen because you cannot control another.....just keep taking care of /working on you.....you will grow enough in program to make good decisions on what is best for your life goals.........please keep coming back
Hi Peetzi. Sorry you're having to deal with this kind of pain. I can relate. My spouse was messaging someone about AA prior to my knowing that she was thinking of going. She was very dodgy and acting secretive and I didn't understand why. I was feeling similarly to how you are now. Anxious, couldn't sleep, etc.
I wasn't able to discuss this rationally until I had been to a few live meetings. Rather than accuse or try to find out who she was messaging I approached it by trying to place the focus on me. My own actions and needs. I told her that I understood that when I entered a room and she's obviously scrambling to shut down her screen that this was hurtful and created an interest in me where before I was just going to get a pair of socks or drink of water or something. I let her know that I understood she needed to have private conversations with people but that she actually make it private. Rather than be sitting in some area where others commonly go and then freak out when I walk by.
It didn't make everything completely better but it did help. I wouldn't have figured out this approach without face to face Al-Anon meetings.
You have already had great ESH here, I just want to say welcome and I hope you find you are not alone. Keep coming back .. it works if you work it and you are worth it.
Hugs S :)
I am a greatful member whose RAH has been in recovery for over 28 months. AA is EXTREMELY important to him and he is very, very careful with anonymity. With that being said, we had issues when he was drinking about possible infidelity, but I never had firm proof...just my intuition. Of course, I have come to accept this, as I can not change it. He even admitted he wanted me to think he was unfaithful because I was always insinuating it or directly accusing him. I was not a very good person at the time, if I am honest.
Anyway, I have addressed the issue of females with him even after he reached sobriety with AA because he had a particular person using too personal greetings and "nicknames" with him and also expecting him to be available to her at any and all times of the day or night (phone calls). She was work and not AA related. Anyway, when I met her, she even had the audacity to say "so this is my competition ". At first, I was my old furious self, but I finally "got it". I knew there was no way he was truly involved with this person, other than a friendship so I calmly and softly (hard for me to do) told him how it made me feel for him to allow another person to be that "familiar" with him. I want to make it clear I did not accuse him of anything and told him I trusted him and supported his judgment, but needed my husband to understand my feelings as well (and to consider how he would feel if a man were calling me and displaying that type of familiarity).
After our discussion, he must have spoken to her because her tone changed quite a bit. I have come to like her actually. I made the first step too because I would ask him to tell "T" I said "hey" and he would. It helped so much, though I am honest if I say I had to work at it. Now, the relationship is exactly as it should be. I realize he was allowing her to "play" and she was helping him by typing reports and other documents. It was a way of getting help he needed for him and nothing more. Then, she understood he is faithful to his wife and they were to be only friends, but she still helped when she could "not because he is lazy...far from it...but time simply did not permit him to do all assigned tasks as he was asked to take on managerial duties for every region, ad to still do his "regular" job. There was simply no way a human could do it all.
I got off track a little bit, but I wanted to ask if you felt comfortable speaking to him about your fears and feelings (if you have been to Al-Anon...because if you don't understand the program your words may make things worse...like cause an argument). He may simply not understand how this bothers you...or he may. I cannot judge him or you. I can simply say in my case there was no reason for concern and I only had to express my feelings and ask him to consider them with his actions and he did. I realize that is not going to happen if your A is still active, but if in recovery and attending meetings, he may appreciate it...depending upon the words you choose.
I also wanted to say that after literally more than 20 years of insane jealousy and extremely poor behavior on my part, I have come to trust my husband and no longer feel the need to "check up" on him or to ask who he is talking to, or to even question his motives. This is an internal change in me. I have absolutely no control over him or his behavior and most certainly no control over women throwing themselves at him. It kind of gives me a chuckle now. If often tease him about the attention he gets (he is a very attractive man) and play silly games like my daughter and I doing the "bend and snap" from the movie Legally Blond to show him how the ladies at his new assignment will great him. He was stunned because I had changed and laughed (we actually burst out in giggles and laughter at the look on his face) about it instead of being so petrified about him being attracted to someone else. It is the change in me that matters! I decided to change and his behavior changed with me.
I'm not suggesting you are wrong or right in your assessment of the situation, only telling you about what happened in my situation. Only you can set your boundaries (and they are for you...not for him). You can decide what is a deal breaker. I do think it is only fair that you know how to "speak Al-Anon" before you address him with your feelings...if you address it al all. Everything is your choice here and you control you! He is going to do what he is going to do. You have to decide what s right and good for you to live with. I feel, however, that in my case I never really gave him the opportunity to understand my feelings (not that he cared when he was active), so I expected him to just read my mind. Instead, he just ignored me because I was constantly bit--ing again. I can't say I blame him for that.
I am not suggesting I was responsible for his actions because I was not, but I was responsible for mine (and still am). When I slip, I immediately apologize with a sincere heart (which is obvious to someone who loves you). When he slips (not drinking wise), he takes a few minutes or hours to cool down and then apologizes to me. It works for us.
Good luck my friend. Please read that CAL (conference approved literature) even if you cannot face meetings because the info it contains is priceless!!! Just look in the back for the topic and read, read, read. All of the books are great!! Take what you like and leave the rest. :)