battling FEAR of loneliness, not loneliness itself
gratefulforafuture said
Aug 21, 2017
Good morning,
I woke up thinking about this personal challenge for me and wondered if anyone on this board had some helpful thoughts. I have taken the step of moving out of my home and leaving my AH and I feel good about that. It was the right choice for me. I am happy with my apartment and blessed to have my dog and my teenage daughter living with me. Despite all these good things, I can feel an old fear tickling at me and I want to figure out ways to cope with it and not let it get the best of me. The fear is of loneliness and ending up alone. Because it is a fear, I don't exactly know what that means. I have many loved ones so, intellectually, I know that I am not and will not be totally alone. I think it is a vestige from my single days in my twenties when I worried that I would never get married and have children. As a 55-year old, I am in a different phase of my life and I know that it is up to me to embrace it as my next adventure or to shrink away from the world in fear and unwillingness to make myself vulnerable.
I am wondering if others have coped - or are coping - with this fear. I do see that it is important to live in the moment and take one day at a time. That doesn't feel like enough for me right now. Anyone have thoughts on this?
hotrod said
Aug 21, 2017
Hello, Alanon face to face meetings helped me to learn how to stay in the moment and in the day- trusting that there is a Power greater than myself and that when the future arrives, I will be given the courage, wisdom and serenity to handle it with dignity and courage.
I found that projecting negatively into the future was a waste of time and picking up the simple tools of staying in the moment and in the day helped me to enjoy life on life's terms.
Please search out meetings and keep coming back. There is hope
Iamhere said
Aug 21, 2017
I too found that leaning into my program 'on overdrive' was very helpful when I was going through change and/or difficult times....it seems to bring peace to me and helps center me. I have heard over and over again in recovery that we can act our way to right thinking but we can not think our way to right action. I am a high-energy soul and sitting still is not easy for me!!! So - this suggests that any effort I am putting forward to do vs. think is a step in the right direction.
I do all that I can to keep me busy when I am troubled with my thinking. Program literature, daily readers, slogans, phone calls, meetings - all are awesome and I also made a list of simple self-care things that I pull out. Taking a walk, listening to a speaker, listening to music, cooking a lovely meal, baking cookies, cleaning a closet, taking a soaking bath - anything that helps change my thoughts helps me shake fears. I can make a grocery store outing fun if I focus on service to others (opening the door, reaching for higher items, etc.)
For me, changing my thinking aids my attitude greatly!! Know that you are not alone!
tiredtonite said
Aug 21, 2017
Hi gratefulforthefuture,
This is a big life change that many of us have experienced. I did find attending meetings so important because I was able to connect with others who understood and validated my feelings. At meeting, I met new people who often went for fellowship after the meeting. This was the best of both worlds for me. I showed up to keep listening and learning at Alanon meetings and was able socialize a bit afterwards with safe people. Meetings and finding a sponsor was so important for me. In reality, my sponsor became my first true friend - someone I could trust. I learned that performing a service at an Alanon meeting was also very gratifying and helped me to obtain more of a feeling of balance and sanity. I bought and read the Alanon little daily readers. I didn't need to restrict myself to just reading today's reading. Our books are another of our life's tools so I could choose to read a reading about what I was feeling and felt a little more at peace afterwards. My difficult but certainly doable was using the phone list that was given to me at an Alanon meeting of people who were willing to receive calls to offer experience, strength and hope. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to use it and thought I'd just be bothering people with my "silly, small problems." I also came here and shared like yourself and it also helped.
What I would say is that with everything I've shared with you so far I had the greatest problem with transitioning from my role as wife no matter how many hours I filled with outside distractions. Like you I was not divorced when I made the move. I was someone's wife still. I was in an odd place emotionally. I was somehow in between. If rationally I felt it was over, legally it still was not. Grief at that between stage felt very confusing. On many levels I was in denial even after the physical move and not ready to let go. I often pushed away the feelings by filling up my time with everything, anything and anyone haphazardly in order not to experience the feelings of loss. We say in this program "the only way out is through." This is where finally settling in to work the steps of Alanon with a loving sponsor was such a godsend. It gave me g.o.d. good orderly direction, a chance to life mindfully rather than mindlessly living. I could honestly share what I was feeling with a safe and loving sponsor that I still loved the alcoholic despite the separation and despite the fact that they had displayed some very unlovable behaviors toward me.
From working Alanon, I learned more about myself and what I might enjoy. I'd never given much thought to that when I was living with a spouse who was drinking and drugging. I was so busy keeping the household going. Alanon showed me that I was an individual with individual interests, talents and gifts. Working the program helped me to recognize and utilize them and feel good about who I was as a person. It was a time of discovery for me. And although I sometimes tried activities and interests of other people in the program, through working the steps I learned to carve out my own path and seek out what was of interest to myself in particular and give it a try.
You're right .. it is an adventure and a wonderful one and worthwhile one getting to know ourselves. I hope you keep coming back to share your journey. (((hugs)) TT
mamalioness said
Aug 21, 2017
Hey grateful....oh yea, its just the change that has you worried, fearful, a bit, of "whats around the corner" but nows the time to embrace those fears, meet the neighbors, see what social thingys are in town that you can go to....maybe get into a gym, whatever hits your fancy....I am kind of an introvert so its more difficult for me, I'm just not into people and the hassle...sometimes I wish i was a BIT more friendly, but i am so wary, so cautious, it takes time for me to get comfortable...I just got used to doing things by myself...tennis i can use a ball machine....basketball i can shoot hoops by myself...swimming, same thing....I am not unfriendly, just cautious I guess people take that as standoffishness, whatever, at work, I am a bit more friendly because it is work.....but you will figure out how and where you fit in....change is scary at first, but to me??? you did the right thing....unless he got into AA and really worked a strong program, you had only sorrow to look forward to.....now you have a fighting chance at a better life..........good luck on your new adventure...just go it one day at a time...
Junenine said
Aug 21, 2017
yes... i am coping with my version of the same. spent many (many, many) years single (and no children, and just about no family but for my sister and hers)... and now i've left my relationship and am coming up on 50. we thought we were so lucky to find each other relatively late(r) in life, but i can't keep doing what i've been doing. so here i am and it's a big deja vu that's kicking up a LOT of emotion. unpredictable emotion. rollercoaster emotion. so i don't really have wisdom to offer... only know that sometimes i do feel actual loneliness, sometimes i think it's more fear of the future... sometimes it's the double whammy... sometimes it's even frustration with the familiarity of the feeling since it was home turf for much of my adult life... the frustration of being around people in relationships and not being able to find one. i have wonderful, reliable, emotionally supportive friends. but a partnership or a marriage is its own thing. so... all i can really say is i'm coping as best i can, and you're not alone. some people are habitually in a relationship at all times; i'm the opposite. so the positive part is i know how to be alone and i know i'm not gonna crumble or shop for a new person tomorrow because i can't move through life by myself. but... coping with all the feelings... wish i had some magic formula. i'm reading, attending meetings, seeing and talking to friends when i want to... and trying to do one day at a time. wishing you all good things.
bud said
Aug 22, 2017
I relate and find it helpful to go to meetings, talk to my sponsor or other alanon members, get busy, exercise, meditate, and focus on the facts over the feelings.
shrnp said
Aug 23, 2017
Hello Grateful,
I have gone through the fear of will I be lonely too. I did break up with my ex-abf, and I am fine. I have family and I see them all the time. I do not miss having a relationship. It is almost a relief not having to worry about how someone else will think about you. I have felt a burden lift from my shoulders. It feels great. I miss having a partner to go do things with but I do not miss my ex-abf.
gratefulforafuture said
Aug 23, 2017
Thank you all for your wonderful comments. I do see that there is a difference among being alone, loneliness, and a fear of loneliness. I so appreciate bud's suggestion of focusing on "facts rather than emotions." If we were all able to get a handle on FEAR and keep it in its proper place, what a wonderful life we would lead. When I left my marriage I promised myself I would never let fear get in the way of my actions and decisions again. But it is a daily battle. One of my epiphanies was that I did not want to look back on my life and see that fear directed my course through life. I see that is why we hand it over to a high power.
To shrnp, bud, Junenine, mamalioness, tiredtonite, Iamhere, and hotrod, I feel gratitude that you all are willing to share with me and that we have this opportunity to connect and support each other on our journeys.
Much love to each of you.
gratefulforafuture said
Aug 23, 2017
Sharon, I do feel the same way. I don't miss my marriage and I certainly don't miss the daily misery. Also, my rescue dog is sitting here staring at me with eyes that say: what do you mean you are alone?:)
Beth
bud said
Aug 23, 2017
Grateful- Someone once told me that feelings lie... feelings aren't facts and to focus on the facts because the feelings will come to pass. I hang on to those words many times over when I become anxious about my fears. I thought it may be helpful to expand on my initial share. You're not alone!
gratefulforafuture said
Aug 23, 2017
Yes bud, it is helpful. I am going to work on this one. I know that feelings can distort reality. It is strange to keep learning this lesson over and over again.
Good morning,
I woke up thinking about this personal challenge for me and wondered if anyone on this board had some helpful thoughts. I have taken the step of moving out of my home and leaving my AH and I feel good about that. It was the right choice for me. I am happy with my apartment and blessed to have my dog and my teenage daughter living with me. Despite all these good things, I can feel an old fear tickling at me and I want to figure out ways to cope with it and not let it get the best of me. The fear is of loneliness and ending up alone. Because it is a fear, I don't exactly know what that means. I have many loved ones so, intellectually, I know that I am not and will not be totally alone. I think it is a vestige from my single days in my twenties when I worried that I would never get married and have children. As a 55-year old, I am in a different phase of my life and I know that it is up to me to embrace it as my next adventure or to shrink away from the world in fear and unwillingness to make myself vulnerable.
I am wondering if others have coped - or are coping - with this fear. I do see that it is important to live in the moment and take one day at a time. That doesn't feel like enough for me right now. Anyone have thoughts on this?
Hello, Alanon face to face meetings helped me to learn how to stay in the moment and in the day- trusting that there is a Power greater than myself and that when the future arrives, I will be given the courage, wisdom and serenity to handle it with dignity and courage.
I found that projecting negatively into the future was a waste of time and picking up the simple tools of staying in the moment and in the day helped me to enjoy life on life's terms.
Please search out meetings and keep coming back. There is hope
I do all that I can to keep me busy when I am troubled with my thinking. Program literature, daily readers, slogans, phone calls, meetings - all are awesome and I also made a list of simple self-care things that I pull out. Taking a walk, listening to a speaker, listening to music, cooking a lovely meal, baking cookies, cleaning a closet, taking a soaking bath - anything that helps change my thoughts helps me shake fears. I can make a grocery store outing fun if I focus on service to others (opening the door, reaching for higher items, etc.)
For me, changing my thinking aids my attitude greatly!! Know that you are not alone!
Hi gratefulforthefuture,
This is a big life change that many of us have experienced. I did find attending meetings so important because I was able to connect with others who understood and validated my feelings. At meeting, I met new people who often went for fellowship after the meeting. This was the best of both worlds for me. I showed up to keep listening and learning at Alanon meetings and was able socialize a bit afterwards with safe people. Meetings and finding a sponsor was so important for me. In reality, my sponsor became my first true friend - someone I could trust. I learned that performing a service at an Alanon meeting was also very gratifying and helped me to obtain more of a feeling of balance and sanity. I bought and read the Alanon little daily readers. I didn't need to restrict myself to just reading today's reading. Our books are another of our life's tools so I could choose to read a reading about what I was feeling and felt a little more at peace afterwards. My difficult but certainly doable was using the phone list that was given to me at an Alanon meeting of people who were willing to receive calls to offer experience, strength and hope. I can't tell you how many times I wanted to use it and thought I'd just be bothering people with my "silly, small problems." I also came here and shared like yourself and it also helped.
What I would say is that with everything I've shared with you so far I had the greatest problem with transitioning from my role as wife no matter how many hours I filled with outside distractions. Like you I was not divorced when I made the move. I was someone's wife still. I was in an odd place emotionally. I was somehow in between. If rationally I felt it was over, legally it still was not. Grief at that between stage felt very confusing. On many levels I was in denial even after the physical move and not ready to let go. I often pushed away the feelings by filling up my time with everything, anything and anyone haphazardly in order not to experience the feelings of loss. We say in this program "the only way out is through." This is where finally settling in to work the steps of Alanon with a loving sponsor was such a godsend. It gave me g.o.d. good orderly direction, a chance to life mindfully rather than mindlessly living. I could honestly share what I was feeling with a safe and loving sponsor that I still loved the alcoholic despite the separation and despite the fact that they had displayed some very unlovable behaviors toward me.
From working Alanon, I learned more about myself and what I might enjoy. I'd never given much thought to that when I was living with a spouse who was drinking and drugging. I was so busy keeping the household going. Alanon showed me that I was an individual with individual interests, talents and gifts. Working the program helped me to recognize and utilize them and feel good about who I was as a person. It was a time of discovery for me. And although I sometimes tried activities and interests of other people in the program, through working the steps I learned to carve out my own path and seek out what was of interest to myself in particular and give it a try.
You're right .. it is an adventure and a wonderful one and worthwhile one getting to know ourselves. I hope you keep coming back to share your journey. (((hugs)) TT
yes... i am coping with my version of the same. spent many (many, many) years single (and no children, and just about no family but for my sister and hers)... and now i've left my relationship and am coming up on 50. we thought we were so lucky to find each other relatively late(r) in life, but i can't keep doing what i've been doing. so here i am and it's a big deja vu that's kicking up a LOT of emotion. unpredictable emotion. rollercoaster emotion. so i don't really have wisdom to offer... only know that sometimes i do feel actual loneliness, sometimes i think it's more fear of the future... sometimes it's the double whammy... sometimes it's even frustration with the familiarity of the feeling since it was home turf for much of my adult life... the frustration of being around people in relationships and not being able to find one. i have wonderful, reliable, emotionally supportive friends. but a partnership or a marriage is its own thing. so... all i can really say is i'm coping as best i can, and you're not alone. some people are habitually in a relationship at all times; i'm the opposite. so the positive part is i know how to be alone and i know i'm not gonna crumble or shop for a new person tomorrow because i can't move through life by myself. but... coping with all the feelings... wish i had some magic formula. i'm reading, attending meetings, seeing and talking to friends when i want to... and trying to do one day at a time. wishing you all good things.
I have gone through the fear of will I be lonely too. I did break up with my ex-abf, and I am fine. I have family and I see them all the time. I do not miss having a relationship. It is almost a relief not having to worry about how someone else will think about you. I have felt a burden lift from my shoulders. It feels great. I miss having a partner to go do things with but I do not miss my ex-abf.
To shrnp, bud, Junenine, mamalioness, tiredtonite, Iamhere, and hotrod, I feel gratitude that you all are willing to share with me and that we have this opportunity to connect and support each other on our journeys.
Much love to each of you.
Sharon, I do feel the same way. I don't miss my marriage and I certainly don't miss the daily misery. Also, my rescue dog is sitting here staring at me with eyes that say: what do you mean you are alone?:)
Beth
Yes bud, it is helpful. I am going to work on this one. I know that feelings can distort reality. It is strange to keep learning this lesson over and over again.
Best wishes.