I'm feeling so sick. I've been lamenting and feeling horrible and having hope against hope for a reconciliation. He still has my things at his house and he's looking for someone else.
tiredtonite said
Aug 20, 2017
So sorry (((bud))) Rejection is God's protection. Maybe a loving friend can accompany you as support if you need to return to his house for any of your things. Keep sharing. You're loved and lovable. TT
Bo said
Aug 20, 2017
bud, nothing changes if nothing changes. I understand what and how you are feeling. What HE is doing -- has nothing to do with you. It doesn't say anything about YOU or who YOU are. It has to do with HIM, and who HE is. If you want to chalk this up to his disease, or that he would never do these things if it weren't for the drinking, so be it.
This doesn't mean he is a bad person. It doesn't mean he is a bad person trying to be good. It means he is a sick person. He may or may not be wanting to get better, get healthy, etc. He is incapable of certain things right now. You would like to see those certain things. You would like those certain things...and that is part of you not being healthy. That, as they say, is your sickness. That is what I went through. My ex-gf was incapable of being there for me, of making healthy decisions, of being caring, loving, fair, treating me fairly, not being manipulative, constantly treating me with unacceptable behavior, she was not able to be in a normal, healthy, mature, grounded, responsible, meaningful relationship. But I felt she could. I wanted her to. I kept making excuses for her, about her, and so on. She was not healthy. I was shopping for bread in a hardware store.
And, I kept going back. Again and again, and again and again. And I negotiated -- with her and with myself. I gave in. I agreed to things that weren't good for me, that weren't healthy for me. That was my sickness.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. All the best for you -- you deserve it.
Iamhere said
Aug 20, 2017
(((Bud))) - sending you positive thoughts and prayers...For me, when I look around and things appear 'down', I am reminded by our program to go back to the basics. I am reminded often that I am powerless over people, places and things and when I focus outside of myself, things can and often do get to a point of insanity. Feel your feelings - change is difficult, relationships are equally so and a break-up or break is hard. It seems during times of change, I tend to have a harder time staying present, in the here and now - I'm either projecting the future or rewriting the past.
In either case, after I sit with my feelings and examine my thoughts, I often see I'm looking through a negative frame of reference. This has become an 'awareness' for me of recent - I now know that my first thought or two is rarely uplifting...instead, I'm a 'gloom/doom' reactive thinker and have to use our program to be reminded that the Higher Power of my understanding truly wants me to be happy, joyous and free - not worried, sad or alone.
It's true what is said above me - Rejection from another is protection of us. It's also true that you are loved and loving! Be gentle with you and know that where you are is not where you will stay! Keep coming back - you're not alone!
mamalioness said
Aug 20, 2017
(((((((((((((bud)))))))))))) I agree with Tired....Rejection is protection.......I hope you spike up the meets,fellowship with other recovery mates or just a good, reliable friend..........AND I hope you go with someone when you get your things from his house.....he CANT give you anything good..Anything healthy..Anything nourishing.....as hard as this is and I get it...being rejected is the worst, but I see it as a blessing , albeit a painful one, in the end you will agree and see that this was for the best...........so sorry you are hurting....I wish we, here, could make your pain go away, but you have to do that working on YOU.....hang in there...
Junenine said
Aug 20, 2017
ugh, i so understand and am so sorry you're going through this. just when i was deciding i had to step away from the insanity i was experiencing by leaving my relationship, i happened to discover - by sheer chance - that my now-ex had joined a dating site. i saw a notification pop up on his phone. HE WAS STILL LIVING WITH ME and our conversation was still in process, and he was still begging me not to leave, he loves me endlessly, only wants me, etc., etc. like you say, i was still wrestling with giving up what little hope i had and i was a mess. i found this out and i was hurt, insulted, and furious. his claim was he was acting out, looking for positive attention from women to soothe his ego. to me, this was adding insult to a hundred injuries.
i recently heard the expression "your rejection is God's protection." i like it.
but his behavior had nothing to do with me. and he was NOT well. and your guy's behavior has nothing to do with you, either.
take care of you. may this be the beginning of truly positive changes.
Thank you so much Bo for the validation that it has nothing to do with me and doesn't define me. I needed to hear that.
Thanks for your prayers Iamhere - this is truly difficult and I'm working hard to move through this in a healthy manner. I am powerless and turn it over to my HP as many times as I need to until I'm ready to let go and let God.
Thank you Mamalioness, and he has issues and has more than a full plate with a special needs child and and exwife with stage 2 alzheimers. His overload, spills on anyone near him... that was me...
THank you Junenine and I'm sorry for your experience too. Thank you for the validation that his behavior has nothing to do with me.
Thank you a4l- upping the meets as much as I can and have a goal of 90 in 90. I love your words that he doesn't seem to be a person o f equal esteem and thank you for sharing your thoughts about who I am... it means so much! I have grown considerably and hope to feel better when the hurt fades. With your help, hanging in... many thanks!
bud said
Aug 21, 2017
((TT)) I know we've practiced that line many times before and it still holds true. Thank you so much for your support as we ride the curves of life's twists and turns.
shrnp said
Aug 23, 2017
Hello bud,
In my own experiences with my ex-abf and his online dating, he has never met anyone that wanted him. I know he has talked to many women and met some but it is not all it is cracked up to be. Before we broke up and stayed broken up he would want me back, only to break up with me a few weeks later, this went on for about a year. Finally, I was just tired of the emotional abuse. It has been over three years since we broke up and he is still single. You deserve to move on and have a life that brings you peace.
Jerry F said
Aug 23, 2017
And as you move on you might not try to look back over your shoulder to see how he is getting along. Bump into your own life. (((((hugs)))))
Bo said
Aug 23, 2017
Excellent point and perspective Jerry!!! Thank you so much for posting this valuable, and priceless insight!
BethBethBeth said
Aug 25, 2017
((((Bud))) I just heard something in the rooms the other day that really helped me -"rejection is God's protection" - wishing you the best for you
Beth
pinkchip said
Aug 25, 2017
Bud, if someone doesn't want to be with you....there are other guys whom I am sure do. Finding "a guy" is not hard. Finding the RIGHT guy is the hard part. So...accepting this was not Mr. Right is really the challenge.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 25, 2017
BIG HUGS Bud,
I am so sorry .. you might want to consider if getting your things are that important. Sometimes it's better to cut losses and walk away.
I'm feeling so sick. I've been lamenting and feeling horrible and having hope against hope for a reconciliation. He still has my things at his house and he's looking for someone else.
This doesn't mean he is a bad person. It doesn't mean he is a bad person trying to be good. It means he is a sick person. He may or may not be wanting to get better, get healthy, etc. He is incapable of certain things right now. You would like to see those certain things. You would like those certain things...and that is part of you not being healthy. That, as they say, is your sickness. That is what I went through. My ex-gf was incapable of being there for me, of making healthy decisions, of being caring, loving, fair, treating me fairly, not being manipulative, constantly treating me with unacceptable behavior, she was not able to be in a normal, healthy, mature, grounded, responsible, meaningful relationship. But I felt she could. I wanted her to. I kept making excuses for her, about her, and so on. She was not healthy. I was shopping for bread in a hardware store.
And, I kept going back. Again and again, and again and again. And I negotiated -- with her and with myself. I gave in. I agreed to things that weren't good for me, that weren't healthy for me. That was my sickness.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. All the best for you -- you deserve it.
In either case, after I sit with my feelings and examine my thoughts, I often see I'm looking through a negative frame of reference. This has become an 'awareness' for me of recent - I now know that my first thought or two is rarely uplifting...instead, I'm a 'gloom/doom' reactive thinker and have to use our program to be reminded that the Higher Power of my understanding truly wants me to be happy, joyous and free - not worried, sad or alone.
It's true what is said above me - Rejection from another is protection of us. It's also true that you are loved and loving! Be gentle with you and know that where you are is not where you will stay! Keep coming back - you're not alone!
(((((((((((((bud)))))))))))) I agree with Tired....Rejection is protection.......I hope you spike up the meets,fellowship with other recovery mates or just a good, reliable friend..........AND I hope you go with someone when you get your things from his house.....he CANT give you anything good..Anything healthy..Anything nourishing.....as hard as this is and I get it...being rejected is the worst, but I see it as a blessing , albeit a painful one, in the end you will agree and see that this was for the best...........so sorry you are hurting....I wish we, here, could make your pain go away, but you have to do that working on YOU.....hang in there...
ugh, i so understand and am so sorry you're going through this. just when i was deciding i had to step away from the insanity i was experiencing by leaving my relationship, i happened to discover - by sheer chance - that my now-ex had joined a dating site. i saw a notification pop up on his phone. HE WAS STILL LIVING WITH ME and our conversation was still in process, and he was still begging me not to leave, he loves me endlessly, only wants me, etc., etc. like you say, i was still wrestling with giving up what little hope i had and i was a mess. i found this out and i was hurt, insulted, and furious. his claim was he was acting out, looking for positive attention from women to soothe his ego. to me, this was adding insult to a hundred injuries.
i recently heard the expression "your rejection is God's protection." i like it.
but his behavior had nothing to do with me. and he was NOT well. and your guy's behavior has nothing to do with you, either.
take care of you. may this be the beginning of truly positive changes.
Thanks for your prayers Iamhere - this is truly difficult and I'm working hard to move through this in a healthy manner. I am powerless and turn it over to my HP as many times as I need to until I'm ready to let go and let God.
Thank you Mamalioness, and he has issues and has more than a full plate with a special needs child and and exwife with stage 2 alzheimers. His overload, spills on anyone near him... that was me...
THank you Junenine and I'm sorry for your experience too. Thank you for the validation that his behavior has nothing to do with me.
Thank you a4l- upping the meets as much as I can and have a goal of 90 in 90. I love your words that he doesn't seem to be a person o f equal esteem and thank you for sharing your thoughts about who I am... it means so much! I have grown considerably and hope to feel better when the hurt fades. With your help, hanging in... many thanks!
In my own experiences with my ex-abf and his online dating, he has never met anyone that wanted him. I know he has talked to many women and met some but it is not all it is cracked up to be. Before we broke up and stayed broken up he would want me back, only to break up with me a few weeks later, this went on for about a year. Finally, I was just tired of the emotional abuse. It has been over three years since we broke up and he is still single. You deserve to move on and have a life that brings you peace.
And as you move on you might not try to look back over your shoulder to see how he is getting along. Bump into your own life. (((((hugs)))))
Beth
I am so sorry .. you might want to consider if getting your things are that important. Sometimes it's better to cut losses and walk away.
Hugs again .. s :)