Hi. I'm not new to Al Anon but came here because I have a question that I don't want to bring up with my sponsor or homegroup. I apologize in advance because I'm sure many of you have been cheated on. To the point, I'm a woman married to an alcoholic and I'm starting to pursue a relationship with another man. I had already made the decision to do this but don't have my usual resources like the group or sponsor. Hoping that somebody here has been in a similar situation and can share their experience. 

Just a little background. I'm 40, we have three kids and a life that is mostly pretty good. Or should be good but isn't. My husband is quite functional. He definitely has problems (obviously) but we do ok. I am considering divorce but haven't come to a decision on that. He is very good at hiding his addiction and the kids don't know it's a problem yet. In fact they adore him. He's creative and can be fun. 

The problem is he will not touch me. At all. I've tried for years to explain to him that I need and want physical affection. Hugging, kissing even just a gentle touch on the shoulder. He won't do any of it. I can instigate sex once in awhile but it's terrible and I can tell he isn't into it which just leaves me feeling foolish and empty. Throughout our relationship he has been very insecure at times. He's accused me of various things but the one that hurt the most was that I was cheating. I never have and have never even come close. AlAnon later helped me understand that this was part of the disease. He carries a lot of shame and this typically comes out towards me in various ways. He loves to tell me how wrong I am. He got the ugliest when he had decided I was sleeping with someone else and it still feels like he's punishing me. 

Before AlAnon I tried to solve this. I put myself through hell trying to please him, fix his problems and make him love me. I beat myself up because I had to be doing something wrong. Was I too nagging and needy? Was I not attractive enough? I've been able to move past most of this kind of thinking with AlAnon's help. 

If we were just going to split up then I would just wait but it might not happen. I want to have some kind of relationship and I'm no longer willing to wait for him. He's refused couple's counseling. He tried AA for a few weeks then gave it up. He won't speak honestly with me about our issues or what underlying problems he experiences. I can't fix his problems for him. I can't make him love me. 

But I can find serenity and even happiness for myself. And this possible new relationship feels good. Not because I'm angry or resentful. But rather because it could bring something good into my life that I need. I feel like I'm *putting the focus on me* in a way. But then I wonder if I've somehow distorted the AlAnon message for my own selfishness. I know most people would consider an affair to be immoral. But I've also had friends in the program who, after gaining recovery made the decision to divorce their spouse, also considered to be immoral by many. 

I could go on but I think it would just be me trying to justify and explain. If I get into this relationship I feel I'm coming from a position of this being about me and my decision to have something nice for myself. I never imagined I would be faced with such a decision. In the past I can't stand cheaters. But this isn't some little tryst. I'm not playing around or trying to dramatically explode my marriage. I welcome your thoughts and especially how AlAnon can help in a grey area decision like this. 

Welcome, MizzTJ.  I imagine many if not most of us have been faced with similar questions in our journeys.

I am not trying to be judgmental in any way because I think outsiders can never really understand what a particular relationship is like.  Some questions come to mind for me which I just pose in case they are useful.

What I found in my quest to understand how I'd arrived at where I was, is that unconciously I was agreeing to relationships where there wasn't really a chance of full intimacy.  I knew I wanted real intimacy.  But I think the feeling of not having it was so familiar that it felt "normal."  Maybe even "right."  So when my A turned out to be more attached to the bottle than to me, I didn't leave him in the dust as some would have.  I had gotten our lives entwined and I thought maybe I could change him and I think I even didn't know that a better relationship was realistic.  My history has been of getting involved with men who had some reason they couldn't really commit.  For the few who could - bizarrely, I had some reason I couldn't. 

So my thought about this new possibility that you're thinking of is that it's like my history of relationships - once again there's no danger of full intimacy, of real commitment, because you're already married.  But my history like that was actually not very happy.  I am wondering if you don't deserve full happiness, instead of small secret doses of promise on the side. 

Another thing that occurs to me is that your A has already blamed you for "cheating."  He sounds a bit controlling or paranoid, as many A's tend to be.  Introducing an actual affair into the mix - well, I worry that at best it could make things dramatic and miserable, and at worst it could be actually dangerous for you.

I also know that after some years with my A, I was so unhappy and starving for affection that high-drama things were a relief for me.   The intensity helped distract me from the ongoing pain.  Your situation would probably be like that, I'd guess.  The ongoing pain would still be ongoing, because your A would still be drinking and neglectful and you'd still be married to him.  So it doesn't actually solve that problem.  It just adds a complication.  The intensity can be thrillingly distracting at first - but the complications can just add to misery.

I know you must have reasons that you're not thinking that Plan A is to divorce or separate from your A and then to start this new affair.  I wonder if that's really not an option.  I get that separation is often complicated and full of aggravations and worse.  But then you'd be free and clear.  So the short term is worse, but the long term is better.  I think part of my own problem was that I was so unhappy that I often went for the short term, and didn't take care of the long term.

Just some thoughts.  I hope you'll take good care of yourself.

I have had more affairs than I wish to wag a stick at and guess what I learned about me...I know how to pick alcoholics and addicts...it had never changed for me until I got INTO the program and stopped that part of me which included partners I drank and did other stuff with.  I know we call it "sleeping with" and then I just had to get honest with myself and the other guys in program I hung around with.   It isn't sleeping!!  I found out I had a special nerve ending addiction...yeah that's what it is and while it would be nice to have had a good relationship I didn't know how to do that and neither did the women I hooked up with.   So I stopped until I found a more stable program partner...mind, body, spirit and emotions and guess what?  Intimacy...means something else today and life is still very good.    Keep coming back.   ((((hugs)))) 

I think this is a hard one and I completely understand. An active drinker is unavailable on many level, selfish and self centred and I can say the same of myself when Im emotionally unavailable. Its an awful disease. I got to 40 and sex became really important to me, or maybe intimacy and it coincided with joining Alanon, I left my ex ah, so I was free to pursue an intimate relationship and Im now in a relationship. 

Alanon is about doing what makes you feel good about yourself, on the one hand intimacy and sex will make you feel good, it can become a bit addictive though. You recognise your needs and wants a s a woman in her forties and life is so very short, I got this urgency that If I want something then now is the time to go get it, its later than we think. 

On the other hand will cheating make you feel good about yourself? its unlikely, its an honest program and its about building self worth but you may feel guilt for this, maybe not, should you feel guilt, for me, not really. Would the right thing to do be telling him straight, you dont have an intimate relationship and you have the need, its human and God given and nothing to be ashamed of in my opinion. Personally, I dont like the idea of hiding anything. I spent my whole life living this way before Alanon and its fear based and shame filled and that is exactly what im recovering from, so in order to recover Ive got to be up front and honest and the other persons reaction is theirs and not really my business. 

I feel that when we live with an active drinker we become the extra on the movie of their life, its so sick. Its like well I made a committment, I married him, well so did he, its a partnership and if the partnership becomes broken and intolerable then its perfectly reasonable to walk away and try again with someone else? Staying for the sake of children is another illusion, if our primary role as Mother is to set an example, go get happiness, set the example that way, living life to the full, having love, closeness, connections in your life, set that example. whats the example no with the active drinker? most likely pretty miserable, lack of affection can be abusive. I hope you find your answers.

I do not have experience in this matter, but 2 things come to mind:  

1.  The slogan, Keep it Simple  would be difficult to achieve as I imagine life might become more complicated trying to keep it concealed.

2.  I've never heard of an affair ending very well.....I think the happiness is short-lived and then there is misery piled onto the original misery.

Again, I am just writing what comes to mind, doesn't mean I am right.  Good luck with this big decision.  Hugs to you.

Ellen

Thank you all. I was really afraid this topic might hit sore spots for some people and there would be some angry messages. You all have some slightly different viewpoints but I have to say I agree with all of you LoL. I know this wouldn't make me happy, it wouldn't provide the full intimacy that I actually want and deserve. I accept that and know that those are not my goals in this new relationship. I've had other situations in this marriage where there doesn't seem to be a next right thing but rather the next-best right thing. This feels like that. 
Mamalioness thank you in particular. I can relate to many of those feelings although my situation was quite different. 

Living with this disease I develop twisted coping mechanisms. I was isolated after changing my life to accomodate his drinking. With the program I've learned that I shouldn't stop living the rest of my life because of him. He wants to get drunk when we're with friends, fine, I'll talk to the people on the other side of the room instead of avoiding the gathering completely. I want to take a walk in the morning but he's too hungover so I go without him. Or go get coffee with my girlfriends and not worry about how pissy he's going to be about it. There are many good things that my husband isn't interested in and thanks to Al-Anon I realize that I don't have to wait for him to change to enjoy those things. 

I've come to the conclusion that my sex life is no different than anything else. I don't have to amputate pieces of myself to make him happy. I've already done that and it makes no difference. I don't believe that I have to worry about his reaction if he somehow found out. I already know how nasty he can get. 

No The situation is not ideal. I don't feel particularly guilty, I've already been down that path. I'm done beating myself up. I wish things were different of course. 

Someone asked how I might feel about myself if I continue. If I were coming into this from a place of resentment or anger or any negativity I'm sure I'd feel terrible. That's not the case anymore and I'm truly glad that I was never in this position when I had those feelings because it would have devastated me I'm sure. Instead I feel like much of my program has been about learning to do for myself and stop worrying about what my husband is doing, not doing, his potential displeasure, etc. I've learned to let go of the resentments. Just taking the first few steps into this relationship has been like a small beam of sunlight suddenly coming into my life. I feel like if I continue moving forward like I plan to that I will be restoring a part of me that I thought was lost. 

All of my romantic relationships I thought it was supposed to be each person does everything they can to make their partner happy and ignore their own needs. I think this was a failure even before marriage. Now I've realized that I should have been taking care of myself first. That's what I try to do now.