It has been many years of sobriety, relapses, apologies, getting serious about meetings and counseling. You can't live life without hope and I have hung onto hope that this rotten disease would be managed and my husband would be sober like some people we have met. Unfortunately, I have been in the ups and downs and emotional highs and lows. I see a counselor and have attended many Al-Anon meetings over the years. My counseling helps me the best. I have learned some tools for coping. We have also been to counseling together. My question is how to manage my emotions and not react every time my husband drinks. There must be some missing coping mechanism that I can learn to stay on track and not be swayed in my own happiness based on what my husband decides to do. I'm sure that this is part of the co-dependency of the disease. There are times I get home from work and know that he has been drinking. I feel that getting away from him would be best, but I'm tired and just want to come home, eat dinner, do a few chores and relax. Yet being in the same house is so annoying and causes me anxiety. You don't know how many times I have thought of getting my own place, then the anxiety sets in. Loss of our friends who know us as a couple, loneliness, not having someone to depend on (I have a very small family) financial distress and just plain fear. I love my home. Maybe I should ask him to leave??? So distressed tonight. Thank you for listening.
hotrod said
Aug 16, 2017
Hi Wife, to answer your question as to how to manage your emotions each time hubby drinks. I found that alanon meetings, a sponsor, the Steps and slogans helped me to detach and not react but to respond in a constructive manner. Program works when we work i t
-
Mattie said
Aug 17, 2017
Some people manage to cultivate the detachment that lets them live peacefully with an active alcoholic. I just couldn't do it. My needs for a real relationship, or at least not to have a fake one, were too high. One thing I'll mention is that I was terrified of leaving. I thought I would be consumed with regret, with feelings of failure, with resentment, and with loneliness. I had a bad evening of worry the night he moved out - was it all about to descend on my head? Then to my astonishment, I felt enormous peace, freedom, and happiness. And I kept on feeling that way. He was on a bad path in his drinking, and nothing that's happened since then (12 years) has changed that. I waited too long to leave, but I'm very happy I didn't wait longer than I did. Not to say that your situation is the same as mine - just that sometimes things turn out happier than we think. It may be that the hope you have harbored all these years is right in that you can have serenity no matter what he does.
Curlyblu said
Aug 17, 2017
This post is my really my life as well. I have learnt not to engage when AH is drinking. I feel like a single mom most of the time as family time is not a priority for AH. I Do my things now, but long for that "normal" relationship. There are time when AH is sober so I enjoy those days and try to catch up things we have missed talking about. Then he drinks....and back on the merry go round I go. I stay, because I have accepted I'm in this moment for a reason. My HP has me here to learn something, I have a purose to be here. I just haven't figured it all out yet. I do take steps back into an ugly place of anger and resentment. I work to get through those days. You are most dfinately never alone in this. Thanks for sharing.
KT2015 said
Aug 17, 2017
Hi Wifeofalcoholic
I completely relate to your post. I'm glad to hear you've found things that help you cope with your living situation. I too live with an active AH who's drinking goes up and down. What helped me was the concept in Al Anon of detachment. I remember one time when I was really struggling with detachment I volunteered to chair a topic meeting on it and I learned so much from the experience strength and hope of the other members. When I come home and find my AH drunk I do what I can to find some peace. I go out (if possible), I go to another space in the house even if it is to my bedroom to read a book. Although I get disappointed sometimes that I have to move myself out of a space that is also mine it's still better to leave his presence than to sit and get exhausted, upset, and sad from being around him when he's intoxicated. This program has really helped me to discover who I am and what I want. I've developed new hobbies like going to the gym, gardening, reconnecting with friends, yoga etc. These are all things I wouldn't have done if I hadn't decided to stop sitting around watching my AH drink.
I also can relate to the agony over leaving my AH. For me it is more worry about my daughter being alone with him and dealing with his drinking alone. I just can't put her through that. I grew up in an alcoholic home myself and no one was there to help and support me. That is a big part of why I stay. But I know I do have options and I also feel more like living with him is a choice not just something I have to endure. Big hugs!! I hope you are having a better day today.
Bo said
Aug 17, 2017
Hello...and welcome...you are in the right place. So, I read your post, and it brings back so many memories of where I was at, what I was thinking, and what I was feeling. Many of the people here have been through the exact same thing. My point being -- many of us -- have been there, done that, and gone through it. I read through your post and can't help but feel for you and want to reach out. I was there! Right there! I hit my rock bottom asking the same questions, living that way, feeling what you are feeling, and so on.
You ask a very common question, one that so many people ask, every day. I've asked that question countless times. That said, it's easy to say the answer is "go to meetings" or "work with your sponsor" and more along those lines. While yes, those are very valid, quality answers -- you also said you've attended many al-anon meetings over the years. So, with that being the case, based upon my experience -- I have a different perspective. No, I am not saying don't do those things. Yes, do them. However, there has to be more, there has to be change, etc.
First, while I think you right about the co-dependency issue, there is also something more fundamental for you to look at -- acceptance. Complete, true, and total acceptance. This is where I feel a sponsor is very much needed -- for accountability, objectivity, and for experience, wisdom, and more. So, yes, go find a sponsor, start focusing on YOU, and start doing the work. However, regarding acceptance -- once you truly accept that he is going to drink and only will quit when and if he wants to, and that there is nothing you can do about it -- nothing -- then you will start to experience the paradigm shift in your thinking, and your reaction to him and your thinking. With that acceptance, you won't be as hurt, disappointed, etc. It won't consume you. It is hard to understand, but acceptance means you not only accept it, but you stop trying to do anything about it and eventually you can stop being mad and sad and disappointed about it. You can search for some threads here on acceptance, and I talk about it a lot -- but this is where face to face, interaction, work with a sponsor, etc., comes into play. After acceptance, you can learn how to detach, let go, not enable/contribute to what's going on, etc. -- and how you can get better and get healthy.
That said, second, what about meetings? Are you attending regularly, actually proactively learning, trying to implement, understand, make change, work the program, and so on? Step it up. Regular, frequent meetings. Third, daily readers -- Courage To Change, and One Day At A Time -- buy them, use them, every morning every night, and as needed. All of this should go hand in hand with a sponsor. This is about YOU -- making change, getting better, getting healthy.
All of the other things -- moving out, friends, etc. -- that is projection. Focus on YOU, on the very next thing in front of you. One day at a time, one minute at a time if needed. Slow down, focus on YOU. One thing, one issue, one topic, at a time -- the very next thing in front of you. Keep coming back.
Jerry F said
Aug 17, 2017
Aloha Wife and welcome back to the board...door is always open and we don't charge anything. I read your post and instructions from the program come screaming to my head in chant fashion...."QTIP QTIP QTIP" of course because that was one of the primary behaviors I learned and practiced over and over and over till I got it. QTIP? Quit taking it personal. Personal?? I was taking it personal...like I did something to own it? Like I believed it was supposed to be that way? Like it was an exclusive Jerry F condition?......yes and more. Actually none of that was true or real...she was alcoholic before we met just as I was born and raised in the disease before she met me.
Whammy...Whammy; double Whammy.
I didn't bring anything great or sweet to her practice of the disease either and her reaction to my behaviors were to run away. Looking back at it that was very safe for her as my practiced reactions to her drinking and using at one time was almost fatal with her response to it being insane. She would come to tell me "I deserved it". Al-Anon came to teach me that we don't beat sick people and I move an inch closer to sanity.
Al-Anon gave me my present definition of sanity which I keep up front most of the time; "A continuous and orderly process of thought" and I practice, practice, practice that on a daily basis while I no longer take the disease personally.
Please keep coming back. Your recovery is also important to ours. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Aug 17, 2017
Good to see you back wife - great topic you've brought to us. As we all have different situations, we do have one common component - the disease. When I first came to Al-Anon, I was broken down by the disease. I had finally surrendered that the disease was greater than me, and if I wanted to survive, I needed help.
When I arrived at a meeting and others appeared happy, I was baffled. The distorted thinking I had developed told me 'I had it worse than they do'....I showed up competing/comparing - a defect I had picked up way back from FOO. When they began to tell their stories, I realized I did not have it worse than them - we were all beaten down by the disease. I then suspected recovery was cultish and I was at the wrong place....as the meeting continued, I realized the joy was genuine and they were truly having joy in spite of the disease.
I attended as many as I could because I wanted what they have/had. What they kept saying over and over and over again was to focus on me and keep focusing on me. Not the alcoholic, not the disease, not the housework, the bills, the kids, just me. Put me first and then fill in around 'me' with gotta do tasks. Be sure to schedule some fun.
I had a sponsor who also kept suggesting I focus on me. I do for me. I work the steps and focus on me. As time went on and I had some sanity back, I heard many more great suggestions - QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally, That's the Disease Talking, Love the Person and Despise the Disease, What Others Think of Me is Not My Business, etc.
The program arms us well. Yet, I also recall how hard it was in the heat of the moment to pick up the tools and set aside the disease/drama. It helped me to just keep practicing - each time - practice a tool, call a person - do something, anything different to help break the cycles I had deployed for a long time.
Change for me has been gradual but progressive. I believe it's a life-long process, and all I got to manage is today. So - whatever works best for you - quiet time, meditation, prayer, writing, reading, music, old movies, sitcoms - whatever makes you happy or at least can distract for just a moment - use it when the witching hour has arrived and there are no meetings! I did go to tons of meetings in the beginning as I felt I was filling me up with substance. Anytime I know stress is coming (parents/family visits, family trips, family functions, illness/expected death in a loved one - I return to the basics...meetings, steps, literature, sponsor daily, etc.
What worked in the beginning to bring me some relief is what works today to ground me when life goes sideways. My best tool when active drinking is staring me in the face is to remove myself from the room and/or take a nap/go to bed. I am less likely to loose my serenity if I put space between me and what I am struggling to accept...
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
MizzB said
Aug 17, 2017
I love hearing from you guys who have been in the program for much longer. The hope that we can be put back together is real and kept alive by your sharing. And also knowing that it's still hard at times also helps. THis forum has been a life saver.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 17, 2017
Hugs,
The one thing that has always kept me sane is program work .. it's not just about attending the meetings .. sponsorship is HUGE and it is where I have made the most changes in my own life. It helps me put some perspective into my life and gives me hope that this too shall pass. Going to meetings is fantastic .. it is not working the steps. I have had to learn how to interact with other people because my coping skills were not what they needed to be .. sure I knew them through counseling and I did need additional counseling to help with some old stuff pre AXH .. however putting into practice and the meetings, here as well as learning to fall down get back up and keep going.
Keep going to the meetings .. get a sponsor .. and work the steps .. nothing changes .. nothing changes .. sponsorship helped me break isolation and realize there was more to life than what the A was doing or not doing. It really became about me. Keep coming back.
Hugs S :)
mamalioness said
Aug 17, 2017
HI!! and glad you are here...."how to manage emotions" well?? the first thing I did was get into as many meets as there were days, so I could learn a healthier way of *responding* rather than knee jerk reaction....emotions are a powerful thing..they bring us a message..something either pleasant or unpleasant is going on inside of us....if you are "all over the place" with emotions, it is because you are letting him and his drinking run YOUR show....I can imagine the insecurity of all this..thinking of leaving, but the "oh what about finances?? (good question) loneliness and not having someone to depend on) well lets look at this....if he passed away, could you make it on your job??? Would you not be able to fill that gap with maybe an Xtra PT job on weekends or something??? and loneliness..isn't being with a drinker kinda lonely anyway??? it was for me.....and having someone to depend on....can you really depend on him when you need him??? or is it you , you have to go to when in need$$..... I am reading your post and I see that your feelings are based upon what he is doing/thinking........NORMAL for one who is just getting into recovery....I did it...I didn't feel or do anything unless I took HIS temperature....that's how CoDa I was....but when I got out of the "being married to folks not healthy for me" I got into meetings at Al-anon, I made new friends with the folks in the meetings...i went to as many meets as there were days....I got books on the steps, slogans, everything i could get my hands on to change how I thought...I was reacting to life, not living it by responding healthy....I was always in "knee jerk" reaction or "flight or fight" mode because I was obsessing over him and NOT putting and keeping the focus on ME and ONLY me.....
Some things to do while you work your meets, steps,slogans, et al, when you start feeling angst ,being around him, start breathing deeeeep and slooooow...focus on your belly button, just below it and BREEEEETHE till your muscles relax...roll your head around your shoulders...clench and unclench your fists...........AND you can go somewhere and take your right two fingers and tap your collar bone...that tapping will break up negative energy within and relax you....OR you can cross your arms over your chest and tap each shoulder with the opposite set of fingers...another relaxer.......and while you are breathing and tapping, see something beautiful: a sunrise....lovely birds at a fountain....a water fall......ducks in a lake.....horses grazing in a big open field.....any image that would give you peace and just RELAX and ENJOY.....and MOST of all.....stop thinking about him, his moods, his drinking etc......focus on you and the meetings and the steps and working with your sponsor....they say don't do anything life changing until you have had at least 3-6 months of recovery....then?? if you want out??? you will make that decision from a healthier place and looking within for guidance, you will know what you want to do...........HUGS of support...
wifeofalcoholic said
Aug 18, 2017
Thank you for all of your posts and your wisdom. They really helped me very much and gave me more insight into ME and not HIM. I have more work to do and it is with me.
The reminders were much appreciated.
It has been many years of sobriety, relapses, apologies, getting serious about meetings and counseling. You can't live life without hope and I have hung onto hope that this rotten disease would be managed and my husband would be sober like some people we have met. Unfortunately, I have been in the ups and downs and emotional highs and lows. I see a counselor and have attended many Al-Anon meetings over the years. My counseling helps me the best. I have learned some tools for coping. We have also been to counseling together. My question is how to manage my emotions and not react every time my husband drinks. There must be some missing coping mechanism that I can learn to stay on track and not be swayed in my own happiness based on what my husband decides to do. I'm sure that this is part of the co-dependency of the disease. There are times I get home from work and know that he has been drinking. I feel that getting away from him would be best, but I'm tired and just want to come home, eat dinner, do a few chores and relax. Yet being in the same house is so annoying and causes me anxiety. You don't know how many times I have thought of getting my own place, then the anxiety sets in. Loss of our friends who know us as a couple, loneliness, not having someone to depend on (I have a very small family) financial distress and just plain fear. I love my home. Maybe I should ask him to leave??? So distressed tonight. Thank you for listening.
Hi Wife, to answer your question as to how to manage your emotions each time hubby drinks. I found that alanon meetings, a sponsor, the Steps and slogans helped me to detach and not react but to respond in a constructive manner. Program works when we work i t
-
Some people manage to cultivate the detachment that lets them live peacefully with an active alcoholic. I just couldn't do it. My needs for a real relationship, or at least not to have a fake one, were too high. One thing I'll mention is that I was terrified of leaving. I thought I would be consumed with regret, with feelings of failure, with resentment, and with loneliness. I had a bad evening of worry the night he moved out - was it all about to descend on my head? Then to my astonishment, I felt enormous peace, freedom, and happiness. And I kept on feeling that way. He was on a bad path in his drinking, and nothing that's happened since then (12 years) has changed that. I waited too long to leave, but I'm very happy I didn't wait longer than I did. Not to say that your situation is the same as mine - just that sometimes things turn out happier than we think. It may be that the hope you have harbored all these years is right in that you can have serenity no matter what he does.
I completely relate to your post. I'm glad to hear you've found things that help you cope with your living situation. I too live with an active AH who's drinking goes up and down. What helped me was the concept in Al Anon of detachment. I remember one time when I was really struggling with detachment I volunteered to chair a topic meeting on it and I learned so much from the experience strength and hope of the other members. When I come home and find my AH drunk I do what I can to find some peace. I go out (if possible), I go to another space in the house even if it is to my bedroom to read a book. Although I get disappointed sometimes that I have to move myself out of a space that is also mine it's still better to leave his presence than to sit and get exhausted, upset, and sad from being around him when he's intoxicated. This program has really helped me to discover who I am and what I want. I've developed new hobbies like going to the gym, gardening, reconnecting with friends, yoga etc. These are all things I wouldn't have done if I hadn't decided to stop sitting around watching my AH drink.
I also can relate to the agony over leaving my AH. For me it is more worry about my daughter being alone with him and dealing with his drinking alone. I just can't put her through that. I grew up in an alcoholic home myself and no one was there to help and support me. That is a big part of why I stay. But I know I do have options and I also feel more like living with him is a choice not just something I have to endure. Big hugs!! I hope you are having a better day today.
You ask a very common question, one that so many people ask, every day. I've asked that question countless times. That said, it's easy to say the answer is "go to meetings" or "work with your sponsor" and more along those lines. While yes, those are very valid, quality answers -- you also said you've attended many al-anon meetings over the years. So, with that being the case, based upon my experience -- I have a different perspective. No, I am not saying don't do those things. Yes, do them. However, there has to be more, there has to be change, etc.
First, while I think you right about the co-dependency issue, there is also something more fundamental for you to look at -- acceptance. Complete, true, and total acceptance. This is where I feel a sponsor is very much needed -- for accountability, objectivity, and for experience, wisdom, and more. So, yes, go find a sponsor, start focusing on YOU, and start doing the work. However, regarding acceptance -- once you truly accept that he is going to drink and only will quit when and if he wants to, and that there is nothing you can do about it -- nothing -- then you will start to experience the paradigm shift in your thinking, and your reaction to him and your thinking. With that acceptance, you won't be as hurt, disappointed, etc. It won't consume you. It is hard to understand, but acceptance means you not only accept it, but you stop trying to do anything about it and eventually you can stop being mad and sad and disappointed about it. You can search for some threads here on acceptance, and I talk about it a lot -- but this is where face to face, interaction, work with a sponsor, etc., comes into play. After acceptance, you can learn how to detach, let go, not enable/contribute to what's going on, etc. -- and how you can get better and get healthy.
That said, second, what about meetings? Are you attending regularly, actually proactively learning, trying to implement, understand, make change, work the program, and so on? Step it up. Regular, frequent meetings. Third, daily readers -- Courage To Change, and One Day At A Time -- buy them, use them, every morning every night, and as needed. All of this should go hand in hand with a sponsor. This is about YOU -- making change, getting better, getting healthy.
All of the other things -- moving out, friends, etc. -- that is projection. Focus on YOU, on the very next thing in front of you. One day at a time, one minute at a time if needed. Slow down, focus on YOU. One thing, one issue, one topic, at a time -- the very next thing in front of you. Keep coming back.
Aloha Wife and welcome back to the board...door is always open and we don't charge anything. I read your post and instructions from the program come screaming to my head in chant fashion...."QTIP QTIP QTIP" of course because that was one of the primary behaviors I learned and practiced over and over and over till I got it. QTIP? Quit taking it personal. Personal?? I was taking it personal...like I did something to own it? Like I believed it was supposed to be that way? Like it was an exclusive Jerry F condition?......yes and more. Actually none of that was true or real...she was alcoholic before we met just as I was born and raised in the disease before she met me.
Whammy...Whammy; double Whammy.
I didn't bring anything great or sweet to her practice of the disease either and her reaction to my behaviors were to run away. Looking back at it that was very safe for her as my practiced reactions to her drinking and using at one time was almost fatal with her response to it being insane. She would come to tell me "I deserved it". Al-Anon came to teach me that we don't beat sick people and I move an inch closer to sanity.
Al-Anon gave me my present definition of sanity which I keep up front most of the time; "A continuous and orderly process of thought" and I practice, practice, practice that on a daily basis while I no longer take the disease personally.
Please keep coming back. Your recovery is also important to ours. ((((hugs))))
When I arrived at a meeting and others appeared happy, I was baffled. The distorted thinking I had developed told me 'I had it worse than they do'....I showed up competing/comparing - a defect I had picked up way back from FOO. When they began to tell their stories, I realized I did not have it worse than them - we were all beaten down by the disease. I then suspected recovery was cultish and I was at the wrong place....as the meeting continued, I realized the joy was genuine and they were truly having joy in spite of the disease.
I attended as many as I could because I wanted what they have/had. What they kept saying over and over and over again was to focus on me and keep focusing on me. Not the alcoholic, not the disease, not the housework, the bills, the kids, just me. Put me first and then fill in around 'me' with gotta do tasks. Be sure to schedule some fun.
I had a sponsor who also kept suggesting I focus on me. I do for me. I work the steps and focus on me. As time went on and I had some sanity back, I heard many more great suggestions - QTIP - Quit Taking It Personally, That's the Disease Talking, Love the Person and Despise the Disease, What Others Think of Me is Not My Business, etc.
The program arms us well. Yet, I also recall how hard it was in the heat of the moment to pick up the tools and set aside the disease/drama. It helped me to just keep practicing - each time - practice a tool, call a person - do something, anything different to help break the cycles I had deployed for a long time.
Change for me has been gradual but progressive. I believe it's a life-long process, and all I got to manage is today. So - whatever works best for you - quiet time, meditation, prayer, writing, reading, music, old movies, sitcoms - whatever makes you happy or at least can distract for just a moment - use it when the witching hour has arrived and there are no meetings! I did go to tons of meetings in the beginning as I felt I was filling me up with substance. Anytime I know stress is coming (parents/family visits, family trips, family functions, illness/expected death in a loved one - I return to the basics...meetings, steps, literature, sponsor daily, etc.
What worked in the beginning to bring me some relief is what works today to ground me when life goes sideways. My best tool when active drinking is staring me in the face is to remove myself from the room and/or take a nap/go to bed. I am less likely to loose my serenity if I put space between me and what I am struggling to accept...
(((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
The one thing that has always kept me sane is program work .. it's not just about attending the meetings .. sponsorship is HUGE and it is where I have made the most changes in my own life. It helps me put some perspective into my life and gives me hope that this too shall pass. Going to meetings is fantastic .. it is not working the steps. I have had to learn how to interact with other people because my coping skills were not what they needed to be .. sure I knew them through counseling and I did need additional counseling to help with some old stuff pre AXH .. however putting into practice and the meetings, here as well as learning to fall down get back up and keep going.
Keep going to the meetings .. get a sponsor .. and work the steps .. nothing changes .. nothing changes .. sponsorship helped me break isolation and realize there was more to life than what the A was doing or not doing. It really became about me. Keep coming back.
Hugs S :)
HI!! and glad you are here...."how to manage emotions" well?? the first thing I did was get into as many meets as there were days, so I could learn a healthier way of *responding* rather than knee jerk reaction....emotions are a powerful thing..they bring us a message..something either pleasant or unpleasant is going on inside of us....if you are "all over the place" with emotions, it is because you are letting him and his drinking run YOUR show....I can imagine the insecurity of all this..thinking of leaving, but the "oh what about finances?? (good question) loneliness and not having someone to depend on) well lets look at this....if he passed away, could you make it on your job??? Would you not be able to fill that gap with maybe an Xtra PT job on weekends or something??? and loneliness..isn't being with a drinker kinda lonely anyway??? it was for me.....and having someone to depend on....can you really depend on him when you need him??? or is it you , you have to go to when in need$$..... I am reading your post and I see that your feelings are based upon what he is doing/thinking........NORMAL for one who is just getting into recovery....I did it...I didn't feel or do anything unless I took HIS temperature....that's how CoDa I was....but when I got out of the "being married to folks not healthy for me" I got into meetings at Al-anon, I made new friends with the folks in the meetings...i went to as many meets as there were days....I got books on the steps, slogans, everything i could get my hands on to change how I thought...I was reacting to life, not living it by responding healthy....I was always in "knee jerk" reaction or "flight or fight" mode because I was obsessing over him and NOT putting and keeping the focus on ME and ONLY me.....
Some things to do while you work your meets, steps,slogans, et al, when you start feeling angst ,being around him, start breathing deeeeep and slooooow...focus on your belly button, just below it and BREEEEETHE till your muscles relax...roll your head around your shoulders...clench and unclench your fists...........AND you can go somewhere and take your right two fingers and tap your collar bone...that tapping will break up negative energy within and relax you....OR you can cross your arms over your chest and tap each shoulder with the opposite set of fingers...another relaxer.......and while you are breathing and tapping, see something beautiful: a sunrise....lovely birds at a fountain....a water fall......ducks in a lake.....horses grazing in a big open field.....any image that would give you peace and just RELAX and ENJOY.....and MOST of all.....stop thinking about him, his moods, his drinking etc......focus on you and the meetings and the steps and working with your sponsor....they say don't do anything life changing until you have had at least 3-6 months of recovery....then?? if you want out??? you will make that decision from a healthier place and looking within for guidance, you will know what you want to do...........HUGS of support...
The reminders were much appreciated.