So I am living in this weird space right now. According to one of my last posts (5 days ago), I told my AH that he had 3 choices.
Seek treatment
Do nothing and leave
Do nothing and I will leave b/c I can't live this life anymore. I was officially done...MY bottom!
In the meantime, AH's adult nephew has been trying to get AH into a facility. Thursday's discussion with this one facility was this... "He needs to be on Medical, and on a drug to treat depression/PTSD/anxiety before we let him have a bed.
Needless to say, it has taken my AH a few days to file for Medical. Now he is waiting for the answer & a bed.
But that's the problem... the waiting. Because he has no money, and I am very careful to not let my wallet out of my sight (he has already stolen from me), he has been dry for about 5 days now. He's actually feeling pretty good. Saying he loves me etc, trying to help around the house (since he is jobless and can't apply for unemployment due to going into a facility), and me? I am just fried. I was ready to leave... my parent's loaned me cash to pay the rent for Sept. b/c they feel it was going to take longer than 30 days (my deadline). They were right!
So here I sit... longing to be away from him - I think I have lost all my loving feelings - but I can't make any moves to move myself out, b/c his family has asked me to play it cool so that he won't backslide and refuse to go to treatment.
But dry AH acts like because he is doing "So much better," I should just be all lovey dovey with him... through program I have come to understand that I CAN treat him with respect and I can still care about him, but love? Are you kidding me? I actually have a mild PTSD associated with my life living with his addictions. I gave, and gave, and then I was required to give more after his first stint out of rehab (although to be fair, it was solely my decision based on giving my son his dad back), and all I got was a relapse into a new DOC, and this one was so much harder on the family than the first one!
I know this is how he thinks he should be... how he thinks I want him to be. But my reality is that I no longer want to live with the uncertainty of relapse... I just can't do "this" again. Can anyone relate? Am I a royal witch? Selfish? Because in this space that I am in now, I feel like it's wrong of me to have fallen out of love for him.
I will be patient and ask my HP to guide me. Perhaps more will be revealed. I know when my parents return the first week of Sept., I can discuss all this with them. Meanwhile I can ask my sponsor about her take on this weird place of mine!
Thanks for listening!
Iamhere said
Aug 14, 2017
PnP - (((Hugs)))....I know about myself that I can be impatient....especially with waiting. I just don't do well mentally, emotionally, physically with idle time. I believe where you are is where you are supposed to be - and while it's not where you want to be, I do hear you willing to take action and trust HP for guidance. That's program in action and even if you are not aware, it's great growth! I still have to be reminded that our goal is progress and not perfection.
I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers....this road we travel when we love/care for an alcoholic is not an easy road. Be gentle with you as best you can be!
a4l said
Aug 15, 2017
Hugs PNP. I have come to accept that no matter what I say, think,do or feel, the alcoholic is stuck in a dreadful disease which I am powerless over. I still get triggered every now and then. No matter what you do or don't do, remember the three c's. You didn't cause his alcoholism. Can't control it nor cure it. Take good care of you.
MizzB said
Aug 15, 2017
Hi PNP, I can totally relate. on weekends when ABF dries out and says the right stuff, I"m expected to be normal and fun and then he drinks in the week and I'm left torn up with anger. It's like living with Jeckyll and Hyde. I too completely feel out of love, out of energy and don't even want to be in the same room as him. It's a relief when he goes to work even though I know he'll be steaming when he gets back. Alcoholics are master manipulators even when they're not drinking. Remain true to yourself and what you've decided if that's what you still want. You can't control his drinking. He can't make you love him. Your feelings are valid and not selfish.
Bettertomorrow said
Aug 15, 2017
Hello Pnp,
Yes I can totally relate to you and no I don't think you are being selfish at all. I have a similar situation. My AH moved out three months ago now and has been dry during that time. He wants to come back and calls me darling and tells me how much he loves me and how sorry he is. I just don't feel it. What has helped me is focusing on me and our children and being very honest with him. I have told him I need more time, to focus on my own recovery and that I don't know if I will ever want to go back to having him live in this house again or indeed love him. I can only feel what I feel today and that is I am not ready or willing to make that decision. For today I am happy being on my own. For me this has been a huge step - having space and freedom to focus on me and the children without worrying about him. At the moment you are still in the middle of the storm - give yourself the gift of having some calm time to focus on you. Hugs.
KT2015 said
Aug 15, 2017
Hey Pnp I can completely understand why you feel the way you feel. Living with an active AH myself one of the best things I have ever done for myself is recognized and accepted my feelings. I appreciate your honesty. A person can only take so much and you can only do what is best for you. My ah always so desperately wants to know I love him after one of his drinking stints. He acts sweeter tries to draw me back in to our old behaviours. It would make me feel guilty about still being upset and so I would shut my feelings away and deny them. And things would be good until the next drinking binge and so on. When I stopped playing my part in that "pretending everything is ok when it's not" it was uncomfortable at first but felt more authentic to me.
You have a right to feel however you feel. As far as staying so he doesn't completely backslide remember the three Cs you didn't cause it you can't cure it and you can't control it. Do what is best for you. Sending you big hugs of support.
milkwood said
Aug 15, 2017
I don't think that you are being selfish at all, it sounds to me as though you are being very honest with yourself which I really admire. I love the way that you are working your programme really well. I completely relate to what you've described. Sending (((((hugs))))).
Skorpi said
Aug 15, 2017
(((PnP))) I can totally relate. When my AW was drying out before court, sentencing, and jail, I was in the weird biding my time space, where she was "trying" and wanting to be lovey, and I was counting down the days until I had some peace. My mantra at the time was "Say what you mean, but don't say it mean. How important is it? Does she need to hear this now, or do you need to make a call and get some things off your chest? Just X more days."
Things have gotten better for us. We lived apart for nearly a year, and that was healthy. I don't know if I would say that I am "in love" the way I was in the past, but I do care about her, I do love her, and we have a life in which I am content. Two years ago, this would have been unimaginable to me.
I am sorry you are dealing with this right now. It is not an easy place to be. Keeping the focus on myself and what I was doing got me through, and a break was very healthy for me - having the space to breathe and relax and calm down did wonders for me and my program. (((hugs)))
Bo said
Aug 15, 2017
Oh, can I relate. I was in the exact same place when my AW was getting ready to leave for one of her detox's/rehab. And when she left and got there as well. After the blackout period she called, only and specifically to tell me "we were OK" and that "all was OK" and that "we were OK and I didn't have to leave because all was OK" and more of the like. Before she left -- because she was leaving, she was acting as if nothing was wrong, all was OK, and expected and demanded that I adopt the same thinking. Not pretend -- I must believe that and think that!
Ummmmmm...NO!!! So, what did I do? Her family asked me to "be cool" and "stay" so that I didn't upset the apple card, have her change her mind, not go, and so on.
So, she left. And then I made my arrangements and plans. Period. I did what I did, independent of her, her thinking, her decisions, her actions, etc. All of it was about and for ME.
Keep doing what you are doing -- FOR YOU.
bud said
Aug 15, 2017
I can also relate. My exAH was sometimes worse as a dry drunk as he cycled through a few inpatient rehab programs... and as my world continued to disintegrate right from under my feet. My love for him hid under the turmoil. The best thing for me is to take things one day at a time, breathe, and let more be revealed.
Bo said
Aug 15, 2017
So...PNP...why is this a "weird space" you are living in? You gave your AH three choices. While they are not boundaries...you gave him three choices.
So I am living in this weird space right now. According to one of my last posts (5 days ago), I told my AH that he had 3 choices. So, his nephew seems to be handling this now. And you seem to be very focused on him/them/what's going on. OK, I get it. Are you OK with that? Or is that part of the weird space? Everything going on now just seems to be about him. What about YOU? What about the weird space? Where are you in all of this, independent of him?
After he leaves, you say you are ready to leave. What if he doesn't? Is what you need to do for you contingent upon him?
Needless to say, it has taken my AH a few days to file for Medical. Now he is waiting for the answer & a bed. I get the longing. I had it. For a long time. I was asked to stay until she was stable, situated, in rehab, etc. -- or else she wouldn't go. Again, I got the "blame" and "guilt" on me. All of this was on me. I had to "fix" this by staying so that and until she could be OK. My AW wanted me to be OK with her. But I had to focus on me. It wasn't the uncertainty of relapse. It wasn't the unknown. It wasn't the waiting for the other shoe to drop. It wasn't any of that.
It is not that we fall out of love...sure, one can, and does. That can certainly be part of it. But there is so much more to it than that. For me, my experience, my perspective...it is about life...how do we want to live our life...or how do we want to not live our life. I think it's about being happy and healthy, and finding our peace and serenity.
Bo said
Aug 15, 2017
I was also thinking...when I was in a weird place....it was an opportunity to look at me, my behavior, my part, my role, etc.
It was an opportunity to focus on me and what I was doing...and what I needed to do, wanted to do, etc. -- how I could get healthy, be happy and find peace and serenity.
The other person and what was going on might have been a catalyst...but it's not my life to focus on, and it's not my life to live.
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 15, 2017
Bo, thank you for your insight. Always so clear!
The weird space is because I can't make any plans for myself in regards to moving out due to the promise I made his family. Remember, I have 29 years of marriage. plus years of dating (we were high school sweethearts), with his family... I certainly don't "owe" them, but I love them and respect them. That is why I promised to "be cool" for now.
But as things are stalled, our rent is coming due. I am having anxiety thinking about moving out, affording/not affording rent etc. This is a difficult time for me, as I want to direct everything, but I have control over nothing but myself! LOL!
Progress not Perfection, right?
Iamhere said
Aug 15, 2017
(((PnP))) - it is in these exact moments that I am so grateful for the One Day at a Time suggestion. Progress is always the goal - perfection is overrated...
Continued positive thoughts and prayers headed your way - I also use to live by, "When in doubt, don't" because I did not do well with unfinished business and needed to learn (in recovery) that finishing business my way often resulted in less than desired outcomes. It was hard for me to be patient and trust the process and the program, so I needed to learn how to be a bit more patient. It's worked well for me...
Keep doing you - more will be revealed!
Bo said
Aug 15, 2017
PnP, thanks, and you are welcome. I get it. Not being able to make plans -- that made me feel paralyzed. So, what did I do? I made sure -- absolutely sure -- that it was temporary. Temporary. I hate to sound cold and insensitive -- but it wasn't going to be the same old same old, tomorrow, next week, next month, etc. I was coming from a place -- that every single time, there was always another excuse. Always another reason. Always another story. I was giving out a never-ending supply of one more and one last chance. I got together with my sponsor -- and we established a time-frame, and boundaries, and what would be acceptable, unacceptable, and non-negotiable moving forward...from that day moving forward. I too had a long history and loved and respected these people...and they were convinced, absolutely convinced, it was a fact that if I didn't "stay" -- then my wife would die. How's that for pressure? LOL. Being "cool" for now can set a very loose, high, and open-ended expectation and bar.
The second, and very separate and distinct issue is about the rent, moving out, affording, etc. One thing at a time. Focus on the very next one thing in front of you. Period. I am not saying don't make plans, don't think long-term, etc. -- but don't project and let the fear consume you. I completely understand wanting to direct and control, and being in control of nothing...but, you are right, as you said...nothing but yourself!
This is a difficult time -- without question -- and it is a difficult time where you need your support system...your meetings, your readings, your phone calls, and your sponsor. Lean on all of that. Call upon it. That will get you through this.
When I was going through this, I was scared, confused, paralyzed, easily manipulated, quick to believe, cave in, negotiate, and I never realized it -- I started to people please, jump in, became a very involved, direct partner, and so on. I was so focused on her.
You are ready for this...keep doing what you need to do, for you to be healthy and happy.
milkwood said
Aug 16, 2017
Thank you PnP and Bo - I'm learning a lot and this thread resonates for me.
When I was feeling anxious about leaving I learnt to look at my anxiety a bit more and tried to understand why I felt anxious. Like you, my AH and I have been together for decades so it was a lot of memories that we shared. And I cared about what others thought of me even if that meant putting myself down. I finally decided to study, doing an on-line course and then going to university for a year - I benefitted from the study time, meeting new people and doing something just for myself.
I was taught to look after others and that worked in my family because we all looked after each other but living with alcoholism has taught me that I need to look after myself if I want to give my best and that is a lesson that I don't want to surrender now. Turned out my weird places were classrooms!!
So I am living in this weird space right now. According to one of my last posts (5 days ago), I told my AH that he had 3 choices.
Seek treatment
Do nothing and leave
Do nothing and I will leave b/c I can't live this life anymore. I was officially done...MY bottom!
In the meantime, AH's adult nephew has been trying to get AH into a facility. Thursday's discussion with this one facility was this... "He needs to be on Medical, and on a drug to treat depression/PTSD/anxiety before we let him have a bed.
Needless to say, it has taken my AH a few days to file for Medical. Now he is waiting for the answer & a bed.
But that's the problem... the waiting. Because he has no money, and I am very careful to not let my wallet out of my sight (he has already stolen from me), he has been dry for about 5 days now. He's actually feeling pretty good. Saying he loves me etc, trying to help around the house (since he is jobless and can't apply for unemployment due to going into a facility), and me? I am just fried. I was ready to leave... my parent's loaned me cash to pay the rent for Sept. b/c they feel it was going to take longer than 30 days (my deadline). They were right!
So here I sit... longing to be away from him - I think I have lost all my loving feelings - but I can't make any moves to move myself out, b/c his family has asked me to play it cool so that he won't backslide and refuse to go to treatment.
But dry AH acts like because he is doing "So much better," I should just be all lovey dovey with him... through program I have come to understand that I CAN treat him with respect and I can still care about him, but love? Are you kidding me? I actually have a mild PTSD associated with my life living with his addictions. I gave, and gave, and then I was required to give more after his first stint out of rehab (although to be fair, it was solely my decision based on giving my son his dad back), and all I got was a relapse into a new DOC, and this one was so much harder on the family than the first one!
I know this is how he thinks he should be... how he thinks I want him to be. But my reality is that I no longer want to live with the uncertainty of relapse... I just can't do "this" again. Can anyone relate? Am I a royal witch? Selfish? Because in this space that I am in now, I feel like it's wrong of me to have fallen out of love for him.
I will be patient and ask my HP to guide me. Perhaps more will be revealed. I know when my parents return the first week of Sept., I can discuss all this with them. Meanwhile I can ask my sponsor about her take on this weird place of mine!
Thanks for listening!
I'm sending you positive thoughts and prayers....this road we travel when we love/care for an alcoholic is not an easy road. Be gentle with you as best you can be!
Hello Pnp,
Yes I can totally relate to you and no I don't think you are being selfish at all. I have a similar situation. My AH moved out three months ago now and has been dry during that time. He wants to come back and calls me darling and tells me how much he loves me and how sorry he is. I just don't feel it. What has helped me is focusing on me and our children and being very honest with him. I have told him I need more time, to focus on my own recovery and that I don't know if I will ever want to go back to having him live in this house again or indeed love him. I can only feel what I feel today and that is I am not ready or willing to make that decision. For today I am happy being on my own. For me this has been a huge step - having space and freedom to focus on me and the children without worrying about him. At the moment you are still in the middle of the storm - give yourself the gift of having some calm time to focus on you. Hugs.
Things have gotten better for us. We lived apart for nearly a year, and that was healthy. I don't know if I would say that I am "in love" the way I was in the past, but I do care about her, I do love her, and we have a life in which I am content. Two years ago, this would have been unimaginable to me.
I am sorry you are dealing with this right now. It is not an easy place to be. Keeping the focus on myself and what I was doing got me through, and a break was very healthy for me - having the space to breathe and relax and calm down did wonders for me and my program. (((hugs)))
Ummmmmm...NO!!! So, what did I do? Her family asked me to "be cool" and "stay" so that I didn't upset the apple card, have her change her mind, not go, and so on.
So, she left. And then I made my arrangements and plans. Period. I did what I did, independent of her, her thinking, her decisions, her actions, etc. All of it was about and for ME.
Keep doing what you are doing -- FOR YOU.
So I am living in this weird space right now. According to one of my last posts (5 days ago), I told my AH that he had 3 choices. So, his nephew seems to be handling this now. And you seem to be very focused on him/them/what's going on. OK, I get it. Are you OK with that? Or is that part of the weird space? Everything going on now just seems to be about him. What about YOU? What about the weird space? Where are you in all of this, independent of him?
After he leaves, you say you are ready to leave. What if he doesn't? Is what you need to do for you contingent upon him?
Needless to say, it has taken my AH a few days to file for Medical. Now he is waiting for the answer & a bed. I get the longing. I had it. For a long time. I was asked to stay until she was stable, situated, in rehab, etc. -- or else she wouldn't go. Again, I got the "blame" and "guilt" on me. All of this was on me. I had to "fix" this by staying so that and until she could be OK. My AW wanted me to be OK with her. But I had to focus on me. It wasn't the uncertainty of relapse. It wasn't the unknown. It wasn't the waiting for the other shoe to drop. It wasn't any of that.
It is not that we fall out of love...sure, one can, and does. That can certainly be part of it. But there is so much more to it than that. For me, my experience, my perspective...it is about life...how do we want to live our life...or how do we want to not live our life. I think it's about being happy and healthy, and finding our peace and serenity.
It was an opportunity to focus on me and what I was doing...and what I needed to do, wanted to do, etc. -- how I could get healthy, be happy and find peace and serenity.
The other person and what was going on might have been a catalyst...but it's not my life to focus on, and it's not my life to live.
The weird space is because I can't make any plans for myself in regards to moving out due to the promise I made his family. Remember, I have 29 years of marriage. plus years of dating (we were high school sweethearts), with his family... I certainly don't "owe" them, but I love them and respect them. That is why I promised to "be cool" for now.
But as things are stalled, our rent is coming due. I am having anxiety thinking about moving out, affording/not affording rent etc. This is a difficult time for me, as I want to direct everything, but I have control over nothing but myself! LOL!
Progress not Perfection, right?
Continued positive thoughts and prayers headed your way - I also use to live by, "When in doubt, don't" because I did not do well with unfinished business and needed to learn (in recovery) that finishing business my way often resulted in less than desired outcomes. It was hard for me to be patient and trust the process and the program, so I needed to learn how to be a bit more patient. It's worked well for me...
Keep doing you - more will be revealed!
The second, and very separate and distinct issue is about the rent, moving out, affording, etc. One thing at a time. Focus on the very next one thing in front of you. Period. I am not saying don't make plans, don't think long-term, etc. -- but don't project and let the fear consume you. I completely understand wanting to direct and control, and being in control of nothing...but, you are right, as you said...nothing but yourself!
This is a difficult time -- without question -- and it is a difficult time where you need your support system...your meetings, your readings, your phone calls, and your sponsor. Lean on all of that. Call upon it. That will get you through this.
When I was going through this, I was scared, confused, paralyzed, easily manipulated, quick to believe, cave in, negotiate, and I never realized it -- I started to people please, jump in, became a very involved, direct partner, and so on. I was so focused on her.
You are ready for this...keep doing what you need to do, for you to be healthy and happy.
When I was feeling anxious about leaving I learnt to look at my anxiety a bit more and tried to understand why I felt anxious. Like you, my AH and I have been together for decades so it was a lot of memories that we shared. And I cared about what others thought of me even if that meant putting myself down. I finally decided to study, doing an on-line course and then going to university for a year - I benefitted from the study time, meeting new people and doing something just for myself.
I was taught to look after others and that worked in my family because we all looked after each other but living with alcoholism has taught me that I need to look after myself if I want to give my best and that is a lesson that I don't want to surrender now. Turned out my weird places were classrooms!!