My ABF dried out over the weekend. Said all the right things. Come Monday he goes to work and drinks at work (his workplace has a fridge of alcohol that they provide for all the members of the company to drink at any time for free so even not hvaing money is no barrier which makes me quite angry). Anyway Tries to borrow money off me - I refuse as I've already lent him money... and guess what? He spent it on alcohol! Who was surprised??? I offer a prepaid travel card so he can get to work. He rejects that because then "he'll starve" as he cant buy lunch. Told him to make sandwiches. Got patronised saying I "clearly didn't understand his workplace if I thought he could do that". So I went out for some space. Ironically as I said nothing, he got worried as I don't live in a particularly nice area. Then he got angry because I'd made him worried (which is a turn in the tables of all the times he goes drinking and doesn't message me and I have no idea where he is and I'm frantic - but irony is lost on alcoholics...)
Anyway Because he's drunk on a Monday that means he'll be drinking all week now. We're supposed to go on holiday on Friday (of course I paid back in January when things were better and he's never paid me back...) but if he's drinking all week he's never going to manage a 7 hour car journey (as a passenger) while he's got the shakes and the panic attacks. And I'm frustrated as I was in this exact same position last year of wondering whether I even wanted him with me on holiday and whether I wanted him living with me at all.
Unfortunately because he was dry this weekend and foolish, optimistic me believed he might make it through at least Monday without drinking (oh the foolishness! Oh the naivety!) I missed the al-anon meeting that I can actually attend and next week I'll be away and I just want to get to a regular meeting so I can start talking to people, making trust connections, meeting people like me face to face and finding the strength to finally end this destructive relationship so that I"m not sitting here this time next year in exactly the same position. I'm strong at the moment but I know that as the week goes on and he carries on drinking then I'm going to get more and more hit in the self esteem and it's going to wear me down.
But at the moment I am strong and I need to remember that and try to hold that feeling with me throughout the next few days. I am strong even in the face of a disease I can't control.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 14, 2017
keep doing what you are doing!! Great program work!!! Hugs s ;)
MizzB said
Aug 14, 2017
Thank you Serenity. Hugs. x
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 14, 2017
Stay strong, and use the program tools when you are feeling weak. (((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Aug 14, 2017
Meetings do help We have on line meetings here so please see if you can attend.
Iamhere said
Aug 14, 2017
Sending you tons of positive energy and prayers. I agree that meetings help greatly and the ones here are good - I attended them for a long while ... both the AM and the PM ones. You are working the program and you are strong. We all just do the best we can, one day at a time - be gentle with you!
mamalioness said
Aug 14, 2017
hey MizzB if you plan on staying with him, I would go to meets and more meets because the meets will show you and help you practice taking care of you and letting him learn his own lessons....Detachment is key here........you're doing great as I read...Good job!!! keep up the good work and the meetings and fellowship with healthy people will help you stay strong.....
Bo said
Aug 15, 2017
When I read the title -- Trying to remain strong -- I remember using and hearing that phrase countless times during my years of going to meetings, struggling, recovery, etc. Why? Because for me to remain strong -- I have to get back to and master the basics!!! The basics for me -- one, focusing on me. Two, one day, one minute if need be, at a time. Three, go to meetings. Four, do the work, talk to my sponsor. Five, detach, don't enabe
That said, in reading your post what resonates with me -- what just rings over and over again in my head -- is two things. One, nothing changes if nothing changes. Two, focus on YOU.
Your getting better does not have to depend on, be contingent on, or have anything to do with as the week goes on and he drinks, not drinks, etc.
Get to meetings, pick up the phone, focus on YOU -- and a constant, daily, never ending effort to get better. You are and will continue to be strong!
MizzB said
Aug 16, 2017
Today is a struggle. He came home last night "ill". I don't know if her was drunk, he didn't talk to me, he just went to bed. SO I haven't really talked to anyone for 3 days now. Today he's left his computer here. But not his new computer, the computer he told me he got rid off when he was at his last job. Where's it been all this time? The half truths are horrible. I found a letter from the tax office. An unpaid bill. SO now I'm expecting bailiffs to turn up in the next couple of months. Another omission. Luckily I have receipts for most my things and forewarned is forearmed - I'll hide my computer which I don't have a receipt for. so there's little they can take of mine and I don't care about letting them have his stuff. They can take it all, it will save him moving out.
SO today I'm angry at the lies of omission, and the lies full stop. I'm sad because I am clearly flogging a dead horse with this "relationship". I'm upset that I've got nothing our of this relationship for so long and I'm mad at myself for putting up with this for so long. I'm feeling low because who gets into a relationship where their boyfriend won't even talk to them for days in a row - my self esteem is bottoming out from that and I'm scared about a future where my dog and I are alone and I will become more and more isolated.
I want to go home to my parents but I've already worn the dog out so can't get there with her and I'm not leaving her behind. It's tough today. I'm just trying to get through minute by minute today.
mamalioness said
Aug 16, 2017
((((((((((((((MizzB))))))))))))) Please keep working this program and learning self care or should I say self preservation....its hard to let someone have to crash if that is what it takes to protect you and for HIM to learn his lessons and may they be hard enough to MAYBE force him into recovery??? its out of your hands.....I would take care of , protect my assets...keep everything separate from him....your not married so his bills are not yours unless you co-sign or "throw in together" and yea, LIES are a deal breaker for me...that and abuse, adultery....i'm GONE if I even smell it.....if I can't trust a person's words, if their words don't match the action or the facts in the case??? how do I trust them?? I can't and trust is a biggie for me.....so if this were me, I would be gloming onto the meetings, the steps, and for me, I went back into my childhood, working step 4, I mean I went WAAAAY back and I learned a LOT of stuff, what happened back when I was 2 years old, the HOW and teh WHY I adopted survival skills that worked then, but no longer serve me now...also I learned why certain parts of MY disease are harder to manage then others ...step 4 really helped me become a healthier person, Step 4, taught me I AM a worthy, lovable acceptable soul who deserves to either be in a healthy relationship OR, if alone, be healthy with MYSELF and folks I am around in life......what happened was I moved me out of the bargain basement and upstairs where the precious gems are because , tho imperfect and only a work in progress, i deserve to be valued and to be in the case with the good gems......I had to work for that...and now?? the fixer uppers, the users and abusers the drinkers and the high maintenance spiritual vampires no longer interest me...they don't even come around me because they sense..they know...its no use....I won't tolerate the path they are walking on.....but I had to WORK HARD on me.....I had to back off a lot of familial relationships because they were not at the time conducive to my recovery........please hang in there and keep working on you....and ya know??? Miss doggie just may be PRAYING you go home to mom and dad, tired or not, Miss doggie needs a healthy you to take care of her...........JUST saying.....keep coming back.....you are soooo worth it.....
Bo said
Aug 16, 2017
MizzB, I hear you. It is so hard to deal with when you are "in it" so to speak. I've found, when I was going through this, if my day was OK if her day was OK, then I wasn't in a good place...and for me...I had to get out of that place ASAP. If my day or my mental state was dependent and/or contingent on my AW -- then I was in trouble. Deep trouble.
I was so focused on what she did, where she said she was, where she really was, what she did and didn't do, and so on and so on and so on. This is not about HIM not talking to your for days in a row...this is about YOU. Nothing changes if nothing changes. My sponsor helped me make changes right then and right there. On the spot. In that moment. You can do the same. How? Stop focusing on him. Focus on YOU. Get to meetings. ASAP. Start doing the work. The time you are spending "on him" -- spend it ON YOU.
All the best.
-- Edited by Bo on Wednesday 16th of August 2017 10:35:45 AM
bud said
Aug 16, 2017
When I'm not feeling strong, I keep leaning into Alanon and MIP. The understanding and support help prop me up until I can feel strong for myself.
MizzB said
Aug 16, 2017
Thank you all for your replies. The biggest part of the problem at the moment is because I'm on summer vacation from work I'm lonely. Before my dog and BF i used to spend the whole vacation travelling. It was still lonely but a lot easier to deal with when days are full of sightseeing. I know my mood isn't down to him - it's just not helped by him being essentially absent. And I'm to blame. My lifestyle has meant I have isolated myself. I haven't been overly forceful at keeping friends in my life and I don't make plans to meet people during the day. I have found a regular meeting I can go to. I can't go this week as I"m away so until a week Sunday I'm releasing and getting support here.
It's a good job I didn't go to my parents as I forgot about having to go into work tomorrow for an hour. At least I will speak to people then. It's something to look forwards to. Minute by minute until it's time to sleep.
tiredtonite said
Aug 16, 2017
Hi MizzB,
Try not to beat yourself up over all this. If you think you've got a broken picker, that can be helped with time and experience with the program. You're taking actions to protect your sanity, serenity and finances - all very good things to do!
We have online Alanon meetings here mornings and evenings, join us. The group is very welcoming. Nothing can replace f2f Alanon but many who attend in person meetings also attend online.
Hope you'll keep safe and keep coming back to recover with us. (((hugs))) TT
MizzB said
Aug 16, 2017
Hi TT, I did try attending one of the meetings online but I got the time differences all wrong!! I'll try again!
Bo said
Aug 16, 2017
Keep doing it MizzB. Keep staying and being strong. Rely on all of your resources and keep focusing on YOU and what YOU need to do.
MizzB said
Aug 17, 2017
SO I knew it was going to be a bad week. Supposed to be going on holiday tomorrow. He said he would come home early. THen he said he would be home on time. Then he said he would be a little late. And then he said nothing and is uncontactable. I am really really struggling to be strong. To not take it personally.
It only changes if I change it. So I'm going to spend this time deciding whether I go on holiday on my own.
Iamhere said
Aug 17, 2017
(((MizzB))) - sending you hugs and prayers.....keep doing you - I am sure the answers will come!
MizzB said
Aug 17, 2017
Thank you IAH. Just having this as a support network helps a lot.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 17, 2017
In having to dig through old stuff I have relived some untruths that my XAH told me when we originally moved to IL before marriage .. all I can say is it's a thinking disease and the lying, 1/2 truths are just a part of it. I think right now I am in a place to accept a lot of what has transpired and time has given me more aha moments than thinking that jackass moments. It also validates that no I am not crazy and there was a reason my eyeballs and my brain were having a hard time reconciling what I was seeing .. I really encourage you to take care of you first .. whatever meetings you can attend .. get a sponsor and work the steps .. with that comes a great deal of freedom .. I now can vividly see how ultra exhausted I made myself living in the insanity. There are a lot of better things to do with your time than worry about what an A is or is not doing because it's what they do .. no different than the pigeons.
Hugs S :)
mamalioness said
Aug 17, 2017
MizzB, my dear little recovery mate, the more busy you are going to meetings, working with other recovery mates and/or a sponsor or BOTH like I did and do, you will be too busy to be thinking of him....this is about YOU...For YOU...to help YOU...to teach YOU how to detach from all the crap you cannot control and get the focus back on you.....and as Serenity says, you WILL find freedom from the attachment, thinking about what hes doing or not doing.....it won't matter what he does/does not do because you will be busy "sightseeing" all the beauty that is within you, just waiting to be released.......AND , as you change and go from cocoon to butterfly, life will look so much nicer, more colorful...yea, you will have ups and downs, problems, etc., but you will view them and deal with them from a better place............PLEASE keep coming back....
MizzB said
Aug 18, 2017
Rose, thank you. I will keep coming back. In fact I'm taking my laptop on holiday just so I can keep this sanity with me. Ans Serenity, you are right. The chaos is exhausting. I've always lived my life in a level of chaos and change, but this is a different type. The type before was of my own making and even that was exhausting. TO be reacting to someone else's is even worse. I'm so resentful at the moment. I'm really looking forwards to starting the meetings and the program for real so that I can remind me and understand why I choose chaos.
el-cee said
Aug 18, 2017
It sounds like you are both stuck in the merrygoround. Alanon has a pamphlet called 'The merrygoround called denial' Take a look at it, it revealed a lot to me. The whole back and forth, round and round. Its exhausting and I remember it so well. The good news is you can actually stop the ride and get off, I did and there are lots of folk here who did, not necessarily through the relationship ending. Alanon takes us through the journey and we begin to see the reality of our lives. I learned about alcoholism, the disease and how its powerful and I was effected and I had bad behaviour too. The manipulation game, the pretence of it all, living life with no clear view of whats really going on and not even knowing. If your into the truth of your situation, the disease of alcoholism, your own motives and drivers within the disease then get yourself to a meeting and commit to amazing changes.
Skorpi said
Aug 18, 2017
(((Mizz B)))
I think I read that you ARE going on holiday. Good for you.
Your pup is so lucky to have you. I know mine helped me get through the worst of it. The beginning was the hardest for me. Taking the first step took a lot of courage. Walking into my first face-to-face meeting, then holding myself to impossibly high standards... All the while my wife was still drinking. MIP was instrumental in me getting through. I'm glad you will have your computer with you. Let us know how your holiday goes. I hope you make it a wonderful experience for yourself.
hugs to you!
Iamhere said
Aug 18, 2017
Enjoy your holiday - one day at a time! Sending you continued thoughts and supportive prayers!
My ABF dried out over the weekend. Said all the right things. Come Monday he goes to work and drinks at work (his workplace has a fridge of alcohol that they provide for all the members of the company to drink at any time for free so even not hvaing money is no barrier which makes me quite angry). Anyway Tries to borrow money off me - I refuse as I've already lent him money... and guess what? He spent it on alcohol! Who was surprised??? I offer a prepaid travel card so he can get to work. He rejects that because then "he'll starve" as he cant buy lunch. Told him to make sandwiches. Got patronised saying I "clearly didn't understand his workplace if I thought he could do that". So I went out for some space. Ironically as I said nothing, he got worried as I don't live in a particularly nice area. Then he got angry because I'd made him worried (which is a turn in the tables of all the times he goes drinking and doesn't message me and I have no idea where he is and I'm frantic - but irony is lost on alcoholics...)
Anyway Because he's drunk on a Monday that means he'll be drinking all week now. We're supposed to go on holiday on Friday (of course I paid back in January when things were better and he's never paid me back...) but if he's drinking all week he's never going to manage a 7 hour car journey (as a passenger) while he's got the shakes and the panic attacks. And I'm frustrated as I was in this exact same position last year of wondering whether I even wanted him with me on holiday and whether I wanted him living with me at all.
Unfortunately because he was dry this weekend and foolish, optimistic me believed he might make it through at least Monday without drinking (oh the foolishness! Oh the naivety!) I missed the al-anon meeting that I can actually attend and next week I'll be away and I just want to get to a regular meeting so I can start talking to people, making trust connections, meeting people like me face to face and finding the strength to finally end this destructive relationship so that I"m not sitting here this time next year in exactly the same position. I'm strong at the moment but I know that as the week goes on and he carries on drinking then I'm going to get more and more hit in the self esteem and it's going to wear me down.
But at the moment I am strong and I need to remember that and try to hold that feeling with me throughout the next few days. I am strong even in the face of a disease I can't control.
Thank you Serenity. Hugs. x
That said, in reading your post what resonates with me -- what just rings over and over again in my head -- is two things. One, nothing changes if nothing changes. Two, focus on YOU.
Your getting better does not have to depend on, be contingent on, or have anything to do with as the week goes on and he drinks, not drinks, etc.
Get to meetings, pick up the phone, focus on YOU -- and a constant, daily, never ending effort to get better. You are and will continue to be strong!
SO today I'm angry at the lies of omission, and the lies full stop. I'm sad because I am clearly flogging a dead horse with this "relationship". I'm upset that I've got nothing our of this relationship for so long and I'm mad at myself for putting up with this for so long. I'm feeling low because who gets into a relationship where their boyfriend won't even talk to them for days in a row - my self esteem is bottoming out from that and I'm scared about a future where my dog and I are alone and I will become more and more isolated.
I want to go home to my parents but I've already worn the dog out so can't get there with her and I'm not leaving her behind. It's tough today. I'm just trying to get through minute by minute today.
MizzB, I hear you. It is so hard to deal with when you are "in it" so to speak. I've found, when I was going through this, if my day was OK if her day was OK, then I wasn't in a good place...and for me...I had to get out of that place ASAP. If my day or my mental state was dependent and/or contingent on my AW -- then I was in trouble. Deep trouble.
I was so focused on what she did, where she said she was, where she really was, what she did and didn't do, and so on and so on and so on. This is not about HIM not talking to your for days in a row...this is about YOU. Nothing changes if nothing changes. My sponsor helped me make changes right then and right there. On the spot. In that moment. You can do the same. How? Stop focusing on him. Focus on YOU. Get to meetings. ASAP. Start doing the work. The time you are spending "on him" -- spend it ON YOU.
All the best.
-- Edited by Bo on Wednesday 16th of August 2017 10:35:45 AM
It's a good job I didn't go to my parents as I forgot about having to go into work tomorrow for an hour. At least I will speak to people then. It's something to look forwards to. Minute by minute until it's time to sleep.
Hi MizzB,
Try not to beat yourself up over all this. If you think you've got a broken picker, that can be helped with time and experience with the program. You're taking actions to protect your sanity, serenity and finances - all very good things to do!
We have online Alanon meetings here mornings and evenings, join us. The group is very welcoming. Nothing can replace f2f Alanon but many who attend in person meetings also attend online.
Hope you'll keep safe and keep coming back to recover with us. (((hugs))) TT
It only changes if I change it. So I'm going to spend this time deciding whether I go on holiday on my own.
Hugs S :)
It sounds like you are both stuck in the merrygoround. Alanon has a pamphlet called 'The merrygoround called denial' Take a look at it, it revealed a lot to me. The whole back and forth, round and round. Its exhausting and I remember it so well. The good news is you can actually stop the ride and get off, I did and there are lots of folk here who did, not necessarily through the relationship ending. Alanon takes us through the journey and we begin to see the reality of our lives. I learned about alcoholism, the disease and how its powerful and I was effected and I had bad behaviour too. The manipulation game, the pretence of it all, living life with no clear view of whats really going on and not even knowing. If your into the truth of your situation, the disease of alcoholism, your own motives and drivers within the disease then get yourself to a meeting and commit to amazing changes.
I think I read that you ARE going on holiday. Good for you.
Your pup is so lucky to have you. I know mine helped me get through the worst of it. The beginning was the hardest for me. Taking the first step took a lot of courage. Walking into my first face-to-face meeting, then holding myself to impossibly high standards... All the while my wife was still drinking. MIP was instrumental in me getting through. I'm glad you will have your computer with you. Let us know how your holiday goes. I hope you make it a wonderful experience for yourself.
hugs to you!