I am making that journey from head to heart with Mom right now because all this family dynamic is triggering old patterns in me. (fear for brother who just got out of detox for 2th time & after nearly dying for second time, anger and sadness & ppl pleasing to compensate over not feeling good enough to be cared about, while being under shadow of addicted/needy siblings) It is self care for me to 'be brief, be kind and be gone' rather quickly when on phone with her until I have the words or know for sure if there are words that need to be spoken.
Backstory: Have way older siblings; Growing up, there just wasn't much room for me with all the sibling rescuing that went on during Mom's sober times between binges and of course no room for anyone during the drinking yrs. So during the last phone chat, she was venting about how to get my 60 yr old brother ready for half way house---that she had to do this and that and take him here and there and go to court w/ him and have restraining order reduced to residential property only, so he wouldn't be arrested for being in car with her. How he expects so much of her, etc.
We have had those conversations already about how we teach ppl what to expect from us and all that. She goes in and out of talking/dabbling in Al-anon principles. So now I choose to listen for a couple minutes and change subject or get off phone in short order or offer to read our al-anon pages for the day--that can be a great diversion. It is a blessing to be able to talk a bit of program here and there with her for sure.
The bottom line is that I am still grieving the empty well and wanting her to be different---- on some level thinking she should be different than she is because I think that would make me feel better but HP & I can make me feel better---- acceptance by step 11, by focusing on all the good things in my life and the ppl who really truly are there for me----but carefully, so not to force my brain into a solution and cover over my emotions which are a natural life/healing process (without balance, that could take me to another form of just "stuff and deny").
I need to honor that there is a bit of unresolved grief over what I never was able to get from my mom. How I still don't trust her. How even after decades of both in our own programs it can be triggered & I practice gentleness, knowing I am not alone in this. I can write about it, talk it over with Al-anon friends, hear at meetings how non-unique this feeling is. How we do deserve better than what disease offers us and I am thankful I now know where to get it.
Then when I am filled up more so, I can go into a phone call or visit w/ Mom not expecting anything and also not resenting her for having the disease and impacting me. My s***t shield gets strong enough to resist the impact and I can have compassion for a human elderly woman who is suffering both from the Al-anonic stuff and also all the old guilt stuff from her drinking years. Her relationship with my brother can become none of my business if I work my program ---that is being restored to sanity in step 2.
I am an adult and don't need a mother anymore. So in my mind at times I don't call her Mom, I think: "I am just being a caring heart to this elderly woman"---I can do it for God and get the strength from God to carry through with whatever "daughterly" thing I need to do or feel that I need to do next. Learning about all the Choices is such a gift to me. But I so "get" why many ppl just cannot have a relationship with family---it is such work & not always the right thing for the system. That was the right choice for me for a while and could be again---who knows... Al-anon has no opinion on that---everyone needs to do what is right for their recovery and sometimes forgiveness/healing our hearts means choosing way more distance.
I hope this is of some comfort to at least one other person this week. It helps me to share, thanks for reading....This is how we heal---share it or wear it as they so wisely say in the "rooms".
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 13th of August 2017 03:41:54 PM
hotrod said
Aug 13, 2017
Good Afternoon Luv Thank you for posting this powerful share on the use of program . I love how you have processed the situation and arrived at your awareness and acceptance of the situation. It is indeed admirable.
Aline said
Aug 13, 2017
Hi, Luv, love your share, thank you for posting. I read so much of myself in your story. At the moment I'm struggling a bit myself, kind of want to feel a bit sorry for myself as my ex-abf hasn't spoken to me since I finally told him I'm not spending money on him anymore. I know this behavior is not about me, still, it stings. Its all probably for the better, anyway, its way past due for me to get some longer period of peace, I've had enough drama for a lifetime or two. Glad you are here :)
bud said
Aug 13, 2017
(((luv123)))) Great share! I can relate and it helps to not be alone. I'm glad you're here.
Iamhere said
Aug 13, 2017
(((Luv123))) - awesome share and program work. I too can relate and love how you talk and do self-care.....like recovery, 'self-care' is a bit different for each of us and we do what we can when we can! Keep doing what you're doing - it looks great on you!
luv123 said
Aug 14, 2017
Thank u ALL so much for feedback on this. You are a powerful, healibg force + loving bunch!!!
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 13th of August 2017 03:41:54 PM