I am new here - and new to Alanon. I've been resistant and resentful about going to meetings, but it's time.
I am ACOA, a recovering alcoholic (33 years sober), married to a recovering alcoholic (4 years sober) and mother to an adult alcoholic son who lives with his wife on the second floor of our home.
Today my son came downstairs before noon and I could tell by his speech that he was drunk. My husband agreed and he finally admitted that he had two shots of whiskey, but I think it had to be more than that.
Anyway, after what I went through with my husband, I am feeling like I am experiencing PTSD. Sick to my stomach, rapid heart beat, light-headed, can't concentrate and can't do much of anything. My son's drunkenness seems to have triggered all the memories, fears, anger and resentments from my husband's alcoholism. I expressed this to my husband and he didn't want to hear about it -- didn't want a "rehashing of the past". I told him that just because he stopped drinking, it didn't make scars go away. I guess the most disappointing thing was that after telling him how I was feeling physically and how worried I was that he didn't even think about comforting me. It was like I was the enemy.
My son was planning to have a small barbecue at our home next Saturday. Last year he got stinking drunk and it was so upsetting. I just told my husband and my son that I really cannot tolerate alcohol in our home any longer. I guess to make matters worse, we just took a defensive driving class yesterday and I was reminded about what could happen to him.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
Aline said
Aug 13, 2017
Hugs, (((Krystyna))), I'm sorry this is happening to you... I have felt exactly as you described, as if I was going insane living with this disease, and in a lot of ways I was. I haven't been in Alanon for very long, and I still sometimes question my sanity when confronted by alcoholism, but it's happening a lot rarer now and I believe in time I'll get even better. I totally get the resentment of the need for getting help for myself while its someone else who is dinking, but sadly alcoholism impacts the family as well as the alcoholic. In some ways it had impacted me even more than my ex-abf... I can honestly say this program has been the number 1 reason I'm not a total wreck anymore, so I highly suggest it, for you to get better and not feel insane anymore. Sending you best wishes and warm thoughts. Keep coming back here as well, MIP is a wonderful community.
Krystyna265 said
Aug 13, 2017
Thank you, Aline. I'm going to a meeting tomorrow night. Since my son and DIL live upstairs (common entrance) I wonder if I am being unreasonable in banning alcohol in our home. I just can't stand it.
Iamhere said
Aug 13, 2017
Welcome to MIP Krystyna - glad you found us and glad that you shared.....I can so relate to your post - and am glad that you are finally ready to go to meetings....I was angry also and did not 'like' my first meeting, so stayed on the crazy train for a bit longer. I then went back and went with humility, an open mind and an open heart and found the recovery tools I needed.
I'm also a double-winner (AA & Al-Anon). I met/married my AH in recovery. Both of my sons are A's too. It took this path to get me to where I am today - fully surrendered to the disease of alcoholism. I understand now better than ever that nobody chooses this disease, there is a genetic component and we are truly powerless over it, people, places, etc.
It's been a recovery journey filled with ups, downs, chaos, insanity, PTSD, depression, anxiety and more. I so wish I had found Al-Anon earlier as that is where I really found the mix of recovery tools to get me back to sanity as well as serenity. Al-Anon gave me the three C(s) at my first meeting - I did not cause this, I can not control it, and I can not cure it. These three simple statements gave me enough hope to return and recover.
I completely understand also about your AH being in a different place....we had different levels of denial and could NOT align....we still don't most of the time, but I have enough peace now and acceptance to respect that where he is is where he is - I don't have to be there, stay there or even go there.
Let us know how the meeting(s) go and keep coming back here! We are a large 'family' and there is tons of ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) here! There is always hope and help in recovery.
shrnp said
Aug 13, 2017
Welcome Krystyna,
I share a lot of things with you I am a recovering addict, have had a couple alcoholic partners, and I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I am fortunate that my son does not drink or do drugs but he has been affected by the disease. I have panic attacks, and at one time just being around people drinking would cause one. As I get older they are not to bad but there are still some things that make me nervous. I am not living with alcoholism now, and my life is more peaceful. You have to make yourself a priority. Alanon can be a big help. I try to stay in the present and fight those old feelings of insecurity. I hope you can find a meeting and keep coming back.
hotrod said
Aug 13, 2017
Welcome Krystyna I cannot add much more to what has already been posted except that experiencing a PTSD sensation regarding your son's drinking is not unusual. I can so understand this. i found that entering alanon and working the Steps especiailly 4 through 11 I was able to let go of the pain from the past, develop new awareness into my hidden motives and behavior and then learn to live in the present moment. it is a true gift Glad you intend to attend a meeting
Krystyna265 said
Aug 13, 2017
Thanks to all who responded. I now realize I need a sponsor and I need to work the steps as I did in AA. I cannot control my adult son, nor can I guide him to recovery. He has not hit bottom and I cannot control what his bottom is. I have so much work to do. Thank you.
bud said
Aug 13, 2017
Welcome Krystyna - you received great support from the other posts. I return to work the steps with a sponsor every time I hit a speed bump or have PTSD like reactions. I'm glad you're here.
mamalioness said
Aug 14, 2017
Hi and welcome....yes, PTSD is a sneaky one...Can be....What happens is that a past trauma or it can be a not so past trauma that happens, you think you are past it because you survived and you are "moving forward" as best as you can and then something happens!!! BOOM!! you see, or smell, or hear something that brings it all back like one big,ugly flashback, like someone stuck a DVD of your past and played it out for you on the screen all in technicolor and you experience it again....I suffer from both GAD and PTSD in that the anxiety part is the nerve, chemical, biological damage due to sustained trauma for which I am on medication to keep me stable.......the PTSD is my "going back to the crime" in my head, body, and emotions because even tho I am "mentally" getting past it, my body and emotions still remember....our bodies can retain memories in our cells..hence the reactions we experience when a trigger arises to bring back the horror....seeing your son drinking was a trigger, it brought up all the ugliness of the past with your AH.....PTSD is manageable if the source of it is re-examined with the steps and a good sponsor and just we gotta GO through it to GET through it....as a survivor of extreme child abuse, I had to go back to the "scene of the crime" in my inner child healing work, go through it all, feel the feelings and show me that yea, this happened, but its not my reality now...the deeper the pain, the deeper the recovery, but PTSD can be at least managed..there are things we can do to mitigate or even put it in remission and is all about brutal honesty and willingness to go back and work through it...unresolved anger, grief, guilt perhaps (stuff we NOW know we could have done but back then we didn't have the resources) anger, the whole ball of wax...just because it is "over" with the one who caused the trauma does not make it "over" with you....I would get into meetings aplenty and I would get a good sponsor and work through the 12 steps, and when you get to step 4, really work it..workbook, journaling , going "back to the scene of the event" and working through it , now with help and resources that you didn't have before and it can be at least abated...Al-anon and the steps, literature and SHARING with others will help you put this to rest, in that you will learn to be mindful (being in the present) a mind that is totally in the now, cannot be frightened by past thoughts or projections about the future....learning how to stay in the present has helped me a lot....deep breathing..exercise..meditation...eating healthy, learning of and setting boundaries and standing to them...anything that makes me feel safe is what I practice and stick to it.... working my program every day..doing self talk that assures me that I can and am making me safe now....every bit helps.....keep coming back....this does work and I am so sorry you experienced this scary thing...but , through lots of work and focus on self, CAN be at the very least managed...I know..I manage mine quite well...when triggers come up for me now, I can face them, work though them with my program training I learned.........please keep coming back........hugs of support
Lyne said
Aug 14, 2017
Hello K-I relate to your post. In the past have felt like I was losing my grasp on reality, didn't know if I could work, and also have PTSD, however, it is under control. It still can get triggered though, but I know what it is and what to do. You will learn that feelings are not facts. They are just feelings.
Since you have experience in 12 Step programs, a sponsor is a great idea. And of course you know all the rest, go to lots of meetings, etc. If you are unable to find your balance in this triggered state, you can find a CASAC (Certified Alcohol & Substance Abuse Counselor) to give you a little extra help. Be kind to yourself and This Shall Pass, Lyne
Iamhere said
Aug 14, 2017
Hey K - your plan sounds solid.....one great benefit you will have is the steps are the same - the focus a bit different. Good on you for a plan - sending positive thoughts, energy and prayers your way...
SerenityRUS said
Aug 14, 2017
Hugs .. welcome and good for you on taking action and moving forward. Keep coming back.
S :)
Krystyna265 said
Aug 14, 2017
Thank you all for sharing your experiences and hope with me. I feel that meetings, working the steps, and getting a sponsor are so necessary for me to have a peaceful life.
I went to my first meeting today, and found myself almost immediately on the verge of tears - a painful sign of the need to heal since I haven't cried in many years.
I was surprised to be pulled out of the meeting for a one on one beginner's meeting. I suppose it was useful, but I felt like I was being excluded, rather than included or welcomed. I suppose that's the way it goes? I won't let that stop me from attending more. At least I got that out of the way and I'll be sure to look for a sponsor quickly.
Thank you all again.
Iamhere said
Aug 14, 2017
Krystyna - so glad you went. For a frame of reference, Al-Anon here is very different from AA here....in our AA world, often the group gathers, the meeting opens and attendees are asked for a topic. It's an opportunity to get help in staying sober or living with the isms. Here, after the person shares, we all focus on them, the issue, the challenge, the topic and talk directly to them including our own ESH.
Al-Anon here - the topic is determined in advance, each attendee is encouraged to speak on the topic or share a reading or pass. There is no cross-talk and no suggestions, advice, etc. Just ESH related to the topic. The group I attend does offer attendees a one-on-one session if they feel they are 'in crisis' or 'in need'.
So....guessing only, the gesture to separate you was to give YOU attention you might need as a newcomer. It took me a while to get used to the different format and to understand 'why'. Often for the Al-Anon side, we've talked/yelled/reasoned/threatened/worried for ever and a day, and are not valued. Most of what we mention in our world is met with debating, attacking, etc. and in Al-Anon, many are given a voice for the first time in a long while. The group I go to will shut down anyone quickly if they speak 'to' another member and it works really, really well. I can admit that it would freak me out if my AA meetings changed over just because I am a creature of habit.
Keep going to that group or another until you find a 'home' and trust the process. It does work well - sending you tons of hugs and prayers!!
Walt said
Nov 4, 2017
The Breaking of an AA's Anonymity in My Al Anon Group Created a PTSD Flashback for Me
Today, as our Meeting Chair, at this point in the meeting following the reading of our Traditions, it is appropriate for me now to address a problem happening in our meetings which has affected my serenity and recovery from the effects of my first wifes 50+ years of alcoholism; 25 active and 25 sober. Tradition 12s statement on Anonymity has been broken nearly a dozen times in my 1 year active membership experience in this Group, and has caused me flash backs to feelings of being afraid, hurt, angry, guilty and resentful of my first wifes active alcoholisms effects on me. I realize now this is what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, must be, and I developed it from my first wifes active alcoholism. This has caused in me today a loss of my serenity. I hope my raising this matter today may help someone else today in the program.
I now have an appointment to see a PTSD Counselor and begin work to deal with these Flashbacks.
Walt
DavidG said
Nov 4, 2017
Today there is a further diagnosis of PTSD, called C-PTSD or Complex PTSD.
I am an adult chil. I don't have access to diagnosis, let alone treatment, living well outside of Europe, or the USA...
...I have managed to find a way, by working the programme. It takes courage and motivation to let go of old trauma....
i have had to question the programme, at times, and found this to be natural. I found this to be healthy- something not allowed in my family of origin.
Today I can do this without letting my anger and pain spill everywhere- but it did take time.
Being with and around people like myself is the greatest strength... a family of choice... where i can catch my breath...! ...
take care my friend- we are not alone... ...
Freetime said
Nov 4, 2017
I just want to share a word of support to those suffering PTSD-like symptoms from living with alcoholism. I experienced those, too.
Seeing a therapist and working my Al-Anon program with a healthy sponsor and healthy group have been tremendously helpful. These days, I might get triggered once in a while, but nowhere near as badly as before.
Congratulations, Walt, on seeking treatment ... I hope it works as well for you as it did for me.
Jerry F said
Nov 4, 2017
Aloha MIP family and new comers...This is the learning place for me along with the my face to face meetings and after the meetings discussions with others and my sponsorship. Al-Anon and AA are considered "social model therapy" where we are brought to healing thru the share experiences, strengths and hope of the fellowship. I love the term Social Model as explained by my former therapist. Just imagine...we got sick together and then we healed together. How often have I sat in either program's meetings and heard my exact story told? This morning I was led back to and into a huge recovery tool I had somehow let escape my spirit ..."acceptance". It was brought to the group by a member who in the past was not certain if he would life thru another relapse. Picture that as I have and let your spirit feel it...It often brings me to tears as I have been closely terminal in this disease and might not have been here to share in the recovery from it.
I had a PTSD moment two nights ago as I was trying to sleep and with my experience as a therapist for drugs and alcohol I knew what it was and now could appreciate how my clients felt and went thru and then still yet I've had the experience, strength and hope of Al-Anon to temper the fear and replace it with the faith that if I did what they all did I would be fine...and I was/am.
"Nothing and no one has the power to affect you and destroy your peace of mind without your permission"...don't participate!! I got that from my sponsor over 30 years ago and was able to use it just over 2 days ago. It works when you work it indeed. Keep coming back!! ((((hugs))))
I am new here - and new to Alanon. I've been resistant and resentful about going to meetings, but it's time.
I am ACOA, a recovering alcoholic (33 years sober), married to a recovering alcoholic (4 years sober) and mother to an adult alcoholic son who lives with his wife on the second floor of our home.
Today my son came downstairs before noon and I could tell by his speech that he was drunk. My husband agreed and he finally admitted that he had two shots of whiskey, but I think it had to be more than that.
Anyway, after what I went through with my husband, I am feeling like I am experiencing PTSD. Sick to my stomach, rapid heart beat, light-headed, can't concentrate and can't do much of anything. My son's drunkenness seems to have triggered all the memories, fears, anger and resentments from my husband's alcoholism. I expressed this to my husband and he didn't want to hear about it -- didn't want a "rehashing of the past". I told him that just because he stopped drinking, it didn't make scars go away. I guess the most disappointing thing was that after telling him how I was feeling physically and how worried I was that he didn't even think about comforting me. It was like I was the enemy.
My son was planning to have a small barbecue at our home next Saturday. Last year he got stinking drunk and it was so upsetting. I just told my husband and my son that I really cannot tolerate alcohol in our home any longer. I guess to make matters worse, we just took a defensive driving class yesterday and I was reminded about what could happen to him.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
I'm also a double-winner (AA & Al-Anon). I met/married my AH in recovery. Both of my sons are A's too. It took this path to get me to where I am today - fully surrendered to the disease of alcoholism. I understand now better than ever that nobody chooses this disease, there is a genetic component and we are truly powerless over it, people, places, etc.
It's been a recovery journey filled with ups, downs, chaos, insanity, PTSD, depression, anxiety and more. I so wish I had found Al-Anon earlier as that is where I really found the mix of recovery tools to get me back to sanity as well as serenity. Al-Anon gave me the three C(s) at my first meeting - I did not cause this, I can not control it, and I can not cure it. These three simple statements gave me enough hope to return and recover.
I completely understand also about your AH being in a different place....we had different levels of denial and could NOT align....we still don't most of the time, but I have enough peace now and acceptance to respect that where he is is where he is - I don't have to be there, stay there or even go there.
Let us know how the meeting(s) go and keep coming back here! We are a large 'family' and there is tons of ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) here! There is always hope and help in recovery.
I share a lot of things with you I am a recovering addict, have had a couple alcoholic partners, and I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I am fortunate that my son does not drink or do drugs but he has been affected by the disease. I have panic attacks, and at one time just being around people drinking would cause one. As I get older they are not to bad but there are still some things that make me nervous. I am not living with alcoholism now, and my life is more peaceful. You have to make yourself a priority. Alanon can be a big help. I try to stay in the present and fight those old feelings of insecurity. I hope you can find a meeting and keep coming back.
Welcome Krystyna I cannot add much more to what has already been posted except that experiencing a PTSD sensation regarding your son's drinking is not unusual. I can so understand this. i found that entering alanon and working the Steps especiailly 4 through 11 I was able to let go of the pain from the past, develop new awareness into my hidden motives and behavior and then learn to live in the present moment. it is a true gift
Glad you intend to attend a meeting
Hi and welcome....yes, PTSD is a sneaky one...Can be....What happens is that a past trauma or it can be a not so past trauma that happens, you think you are past it because you survived and you are "moving forward" as best as you can and then something happens!!! BOOM!! you see, or smell, or hear something that brings it all back like one big,ugly flashback, like someone stuck a DVD of your past and played it out for you on the screen all in technicolor and you experience it again....I suffer from both GAD and PTSD in that the anxiety part is the nerve, chemical, biological damage due to sustained trauma for which I am on medication to keep me stable.......the PTSD is my "going back to the crime" in my head, body, and emotions because even tho I am "mentally" getting past it, my body and emotions still remember....our bodies can retain memories in our cells..hence the reactions we experience when a trigger arises to bring back the horror....seeing your son drinking was a trigger, it brought up all the ugliness of the past with your AH.....PTSD is manageable if the source of it is re-examined with the steps and a good sponsor and just we gotta GO through it to GET through it....as a survivor of extreme child abuse, I had to go back to the "scene of the crime" in my inner child healing work, go through it all, feel the feelings and show me that yea, this happened, but its not my reality now...the deeper the pain, the deeper the recovery, but PTSD can be at least managed..there are things we can do to mitigate or even put it in remission and is all about brutal honesty and willingness to go back and work through it...unresolved anger, grief, guilt perhaps (stuff we NOW know we could have done but back then we didn't have the resources) anger, the whole ball of wax...just because it is "over" with the one who caused the trauma does not make it "over" with you....I would get into meetings aplenty and I would get a good sponsor and work through the 12 steps, and when you get to step 4, really work it..workbook, journaling , going "back to the scene of the event" and working through it , now with help and resources that you didn't have before and it can be at least abated...Al-anon and the steps, literature and SHARING with others will help you put this to rest, in that you will learn to be mindful (being in the present) a mind that is totally in the now, cannot be frightened by past thoughts or projections about the future....learning how to stay in the present has helped me a lot....deep breathing..exercise..meditation...eating healthy, learning of and setting boundaries and standing to them...anything that makes me feel safe is what I practice and stick to it.... working my program every day..doing self talk that assures me that I can and am making me safe now....every bit helps.....keep coming back....this does work and I am so sorry you experienced this scary thing...but , through lots of work and focus on self, CAN be at the very least managed...I know..I manage mine quite well...when triggers come up for me now, I can face them, work though them with my program training I learned.........please keep coming back........hugs of support
Since you have experience in 12 Step programs, a sponsor is a great idea. And of course you know all the rest, go to lots of meetings, etc. If you are unable to find your balance in this triggered state, you can find a CASAC (Certified Alcohol & Substance Abuse Counselor) to give you a little extra help. Be kind to yourself and This Shall Pass, Lyne
S :)
Al-Anon here - the topic is determined in advance, each attendee is encouraged to speak on the topic or share a reading or pass. There is no cross-talk and no suggestions, advice, etc. Just ESH related to the topic. The group I attend does offer attendees a one-on-one session if they feel they are 'in crisis' or 'in need'.
So....guessing only, the gesture to separate you was to give YOU attention you might need as a newcomer. It took me a while to get used to the different format and to understand 'why'. Often for the Al-Anon side, we've talked/yelled/reasoned/threatened/worried for ever and a day, and are not valued. Most of what we mention in our world is met with debating, attacking, etc. and in Al-Anon, many are given a voice for the first time in a long while. The group I go to will shut down anyone quickly if they speak 'to' another member and it works really, really well. I can admit that it would freak me out if my AA meetings changed over just because I am a creature of habit.
Keep going to that group or another until you find a 'home' and trust the process. It does work well - sending you tons of hugs and prayers!!
The Breaking of an AA's Anonymity in My Al Anon Group Created a PTSD Flashback for Me
Today, as our Meeting Chair, at this point in the meeting following the reading of our Traditions, it is appropriate for me now to address a problem happening in our meetings which has affected my serenity and recovery from the effects of my first wifes 50+ years of alcoholism; 25 active and 25 sober. Tradition 12s statement on Anonymity has been broken nearly a dozen times in my 1 year active membership experience in this Group, and has caused me flash backs to feelings of being afraid, hurt, angry, guilty and resentful of my first wifes active alcoholisms effects on me. I realize now this is what Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD, must be, and I developed it from my first wifes active alcoholism. This has caused in me today a loss of my serenity. I hope my raising this matter today may help someone else today in the program.
I now have an appointment to see a PTSD Counselor and begin work to deal with these Flashbacks.
Walt
Today there is a further diagnosis of PTSD, called C-PTSD or Complex PTSD.
I am an adult chil. I don't have access to diagnosis, let alone treatment, living well outside of Europe, or the USA...
...I have managed to find a way, by working the programme. It takes courage and motivation to let go of old trauma....
i have had to question the programme, at times, and found this to be natural. I found this to be healthy- something not allowed in my family of origin.
Today I can do this without letting my anger and pain spill everywhere- but it did take time.
Being with and around people like myself is the greatest strength... a family of choice... where i can catch my breath...!
...
take care my friend- we are not alone...
...
Seeing a therapist and working my Al-Anon program with a healthy sponsor and healthy group have been tremendously helpful. These days, I might get triggered once in a while, but nowhere near as badly as before.
Congratulations, Walt, on seeking treatment ... I hope it works as well for you as it did for me.
Aloha MIP family and new comers...This is the learning place for me along with the my face to face meetings and after the meetings discussions with others and my sponsorship. Al-Anon and AA are considered "social model therapy" where we are brought to healing thru the share experiences, strengths and hope of the fellowship. I love the term Social Model as explained by my former therapist. Just imagine...we got sick together and then we healed together. How often have I sat in either program's meetings and heard my exact story told? This morning I was led back to and into a huge recovery tool I had somehow let escape my spirit ..."acceptance". It was brought to the group by a member who in the past was not certain if he would life thru another relapse. Picture that as I have and let your spirit feel it...It often brings me to tears as I have been closely terminal in this disease and might not have been here to share in the recovery from it.
I had a PTSD moment two nights ago as I was trying to sleep and with my experience as a therapist for drugs and alcohol I knew what it was and now could appreciate how my clients felt and went thru and then still yet I've had the experience, strength and hope of Al-Anon to temper the fear and replace it with the faith that if I did what they all did I would be fine...and I was/am.
"Nothing and no one has the power to affect you and destroy your peace of mind without your permission"...don't participate!! I got that from my sponsor over 30 years ago and was able to use it just over 2 days ago. It works when you work it indeed. Keep coming back!! ((((hugs))))