Hello all I am a newbie looking for some advice and support. My MIL is a full blown alcoholic. We found out last summer and my FIL confirmed our suspicions. She has to drink to stay level, drinks 24/7, gets up in the night for a drink. She switched to Vodka 5 years ago from her usual drink of rye. Finding out she was an alcoholic made so many things clearer to me. Her attitude, behaviour, self pity, blaming, her health, she weighs 110 lbs now, had so many accidents and falls stating how clumsy she was. This is going back 15 years too but I don't know when she became dependent. My husband, her son, has had it and cant tolerate her anymore and cringes when they show. My FIL is an enabler and turns his head to her drinking. I tried to reach out to her but she is in such denial she feels threatened and pushes away. She did attempt to quit twice last year after we all found out and blamed all of us for how sick she was and just wished everyone would leave her alone. She apparently was prescribed medication that would allow her to drink but not enjoy it or something?? or get drunk off alcohol. She is definitely not using though as she i have not seen her sober for months. I really think she wants attention from my husband, she wants to feel he cares, but he has shut down and honestly cant stand her. She is VERY hard to be around. Constant rambling, "know it all" attitude, constant repetition of sentences, stories, very negative, ugg she is so unbearable. My boys cant stand it either and avoid her, which she picks up on but blames me for her lack of closeness to my boys as I made her smoke outside when they were babies and didn't get to spend enough time with them. She says this to me over and over. She has quit smoking for 10 years now and also blames me, saying she was forced to so she could spend time with her grandsons, she brings this up and many other things from the past constantly. It is so bizarre, she is bizarre. However I want her involved in our life I can tolerate her, i just ignore and believe it is not her, its the alcohol. My husband doesn't agree he feels she should quit so he can tolerate her and is so resentful that she continues to choose alcohol over him and our boys. I would just like to see him more understanding of her and her disease and I thinks if she feels some love from him and my boys she might not blame everyone and it could help her recover if she decides to quit again. If she never quits we need to learn how to accept her and love her no matter what, I tell him, he says he just cant love "that" anymore.
Iamhere said
Aug 13, 2017
Hello hopeful and welcome to MIP. Glad you found us and glad that you shared. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it certainly can be fatal. It's also considered a family disease, which means most, if not all who love an alcoholic are affected in one way or another. AA is for those who have the disease and want to recover, Al-Anon is for friends and family of the alcoholic. You and your husband are welcome to attend Al-Anon whether she's in recovery or not....
There is no right/wrong answer. One huge component of this disease is denial. We all process at different levels, times, etc. and where you are and where his is is where you probably should be. Each person is affected differently by alcohol, and healing from it is personal. I do understand as a couple it seems you should align....however, that's not always reality. In my home, when I stopped enabling, my husband stepped right on in and may or may not have kept my sons from hitting a bottom....we will never really know. It took him a few more years to figure out that each time he gave money to them for food, gas, bills it went to drugs/alcohol. His denial lasted longer than mine, and while it was frustrating, I was totally powerless over him and them.
Al-Anon can provide you both with the tools necessary to process, heal and deal from how the disease has affected you. I hope you'll look for some local meetings and attend. Keep coming back here too - there is hope and help in recovery...
hotrod said
Aug 13, 2017
hello Hope I do so understand and would like to simply say that alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic disease,that no only affects the problem drinker but the entire family as well, Your hubby's response to her drinking is, unfortunately "normal" that is why alanon was founded.
In dealing with the insanity of alcoholism we all develop negative coping tools in order to deal with the insanity. Alanon provides a safe supportive place for like minded people to connect and develop new constructive tools to live by. You and your hubby might find great support at such meetings. Thre are alateen meetings for the children that also help Keep coming back.
Hello all I am a newbie looking for some advice and support. My MIL is a full blown alcoholic. We found out last summer and my FIL confirmed our suspicions. She has to drink to stay level, drinks 24/7, gets up in the night for a drink. She switched to Vodka 5 years ago from her usual drink of rye. Finding out she was an alcoholic made so many things clearer to me. Her attitude, behaviour, self pity, blaming, her health, she weighs 110 lbs now, had so many accidents and falls stating how clumsy she was. This is going back 15 years too but I don't know when she became dependent. My husband, her son, has had it and cant tolerate her anymore and cringes when they show. My FIL is an enabler and turns his head to her drinking. I tried to reach out to her but she is in such denial she feels threatened and pushes away. She did attempt to quit twice last year after we all found out and blamed all of us for how sick she was and just wished everyone would leave her alone. She apparently was prescribed medication that would allow her to drink but not enjoy it or something?? or get drunk off alcohol. She is definitely not using though as she i have not seen her sober for months. I really think she wants attention from my husband, she wants to feel he cares, but he has shut down and honestly cant stand her. She is VERY hard to be around. Constant rambling, "know it all" attitude, constant repetition of sentences, stories, very negative, ugg she is so unbearable. My boys cant stand it either and avoid her, which she picks up on but blames me for her lack of closeness to my boys as I made her smoke outside when they were babies and didn't get to spend enough time with them. She says this to me over and over. She has quit smoking for 10 years now and also blames me, saying she was forced to so she could spend time with her grandsons, she brings this up and many other things from the past constantly. It is so bizarre, she is bizarre. However I want her involved in our life I can tolerate her, i just ignore and believe it is not her, its the alcohol. My husband doesn't agree he feels she should quit so he can tolerate her and is so resentful that she continues to choose alcohol over him and our boys. I would just like to see him more understanding of her and her disease and I thinks if she feels some love from him and my boys she might not blame everyone and it could help her recover if she decides to quit again. If she never quits we need to learn how to accept her and love her no matter what, I tell him, he says he just cant love "that" anymore.
There is no right/wrong answer. One huge component of this disease is denial. We all process at different levels, times, etc. and where you are and where his is is where you probably should be. Each person is affected differently by alcohol, and healing from it is personal. I do understand as a couple it seems you should align....however, that's not always reality. In my home, when I stopped enabling, my husband stepped right on in and may or may not have kept my sons from hitting a bottom....we will never really know. It took him a few more years to figure out that each time he gave money to them for food, gas, bills it went to drugs/alcohol. His denial lasted longer than mine, and while it was frustrating, I was totally powerless over him and them.
Al-Anon can provide you both with the tools necessary to process, heal and deal from how the disease has affected you. I hope you'll look for some local meetings and attend. Keep coming back here too - there is hope and help in recovery...
In dealing with the insanity of alcoholism we all develop negative coping tools in order to deal with the insanity. Alanon provides a safe supportive place for like minded people to connect and develop new constructive tools to live by. You and your hubby might find great support at such meetings. Thre are alateen meetings for the children that also help Keep coming back.