I am new here, but thought perhaps someone has been through something similar to my experience. After many years of trying to come to terms with my husband's alcoholism, I moved out with my 15-year old daughter. I do feel better in my own home, but my image of being able to leave the old "alcoholic impacted" life behind was not real. He is very depressed that I left and, after an unsuccessful stay in detox, is refusing to get help and sinking lower. He is extremely unhealthy and I know the alcoholism will kill him. I just don't know if it will be tomorrow or in five years. In the meantime, my 22-year old daughter wants to stay with him so that he isn't so lonely that he kills himself.
I feel unsure about my role here. I want to reach for happiness and freedom, but do I turn my back on him while he is mentally and physically falling apart? I feel like I can't leave my daughter alone with this situation either. I wanted her to be with me but she feels too guilty and fearful about deserting her dad.
It feels selfish to be concentrating on my own health and happiness when he is so sick. His parents are elderly and completely in shock that their son is an alcoholic so no help there.
Any words of wisdom are greatly appreciated.
Iamhere said
Aug 13, 2017
Welcome to MIP grateful - glad you found us and glad that you shared. So sorry for the affects the disease is having on your family - it is powerful and progressive and truly not cured.....What I know is that working the Al-Anon program gave me back enough sanity to handle these situations as they come up....My own distorted thinking always projected the worse case scenario, so I live each day 'as if' and then another day came and ....
The cycle of distorted thinking was only disrupted for me when I put myself first and focused on my own health and sanity. In recovery, I have a much better shot at being of compassionate service to one in need instead of being a crazy anxious mess (which was me) always anticipating gloom and doom.
In my scenario, there have been times when I really expected to get the call with the worst news possible. My alcoholic(s) went so, so low on several occasions and there was nothing I could do to stop that train. At the present moment, one is in recovery and two are not. This disease is a huge drain on all who love/care about an alcoholic and working to heal myself has brought about a little bit of rationality to an irrational disease.
I am one who believes I am far more helpful with a serene/sane mind than all my efforts of before.....keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery. Glad you are here!
Bo said
Aug 13, 2017
Welcome Grateful...I read your post and understood exatly what you're feeling. I too felt so much of the same things.
When I left my alcoholic wife, initially, I thought I would be leaving a terrible, dysfunctional, hell...and walking into Better Homes and Gardens. LOL. Well, the first rude awakening I had was that I left one dysfunctional environment...and walked into another! Why? I got a great condo, was living alone, in peace, quiet, serenity, I was going to meetings, and so on. So what was wrong? What happened? I left one place, went to another and what was the common ingredient? ME!!! I was dysfunctional. Not completely, but I was unhealthy, living with an alcoholic...I left...was by myself...but I was still unhealthy!!!
My wife too went to detox, failed, tried again, failed and then refused help because she was sinking lower and lower, and I was gone, so why should she change, get better, etc. However, and this is not what you want to hear...your husband, being very depressed you left, unsuccessful in detox, refusing help, and everything else...is not your business. You need to focus on you. It may sound cold, but after focusing on him for so long...you have now left, and you are still doing so. If you want, you, your daughter, can be there for him -- but it should be in a healthy, supportive way, a way that is healthy for you! If you know that he is extremely unhealthy and that the alcoholism will kill him...I am guessing your suggesting that you can help him with that. You can save him? Fix him? Control him and his drinking?
You do not have to turn your back on him -- but you can't be joined at the hip, and a partner in his day to day living, whether it be sober and recovery or drinking and whatever else comes with that. It is not deserting him because in reality...there is nothing you can do about his drinking. It is up to him. He is going to drink, and do whatever he wants to do. Period. You don't have to be a partner in the day to day, minute to minute, everything going on. I would suspect he wants that, but you have to do what you need to do to be healthy.
Start going to al-anon meetings. Many of them. Immerse yourself in acceptance and start there. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work now, on you. Keep coming back.
hotrod said
Aug 13, 2017
Hello Grateful I support Bo's and IAH suggestions Alanon face to face meetings will help you to develop new tools to live by that will support your own healthy life style while still having compassion and empathy for your husband. Your daughter would benefit as well
bud said
Aug 13, 2017
Welcome Gratefulforafuture - you're in the right place. I find the more I keep coming back and working the steps, the more clarity I have regarding my roles and next best steps. Keep coming back!
Jerry F said
Aug 13, 2017
Aloha Grateful and welcome to the board. You came here for a reason and that was to get support and help. I am sure most of us are here for that reason also and some with much more time in recovery than others and still we know that we cannot do for your husband or yourself what you both will not do for yourselves. Alcoholism is a cunning powerful and baffling disease...I learned that in the rooms of Al-Anon, AA and college. If the drinker is not fully invested in getting and staying sober the outcome isn't good. Suggest your daughter to go to face to face Al-Anon meetings with you and get and read as much literature as you both can. You cannot tag-team alcoholism. I did so much to try to get my alcoholic/addict wife clean and sober and none of it worked and I could have been arrested for much of it.
I didn't know and didn't even know that I didn't know what I was dealing with ...and I was born and raised in it. This is an AMA registered disease that if not arrested by total abstinence results in insanity and death.
I've tried so many things in sobriety to help alcoholics and one of the best was contacting the local AA Central Office and getting a recovering alcoholic out to talk to the alcoholic. I've done that 3 times in the past which worked. Alcoholics speaking to other alcoholics works best...not perfectly...just best. Take your daughter with you to Al-Anon and then when you can got to open AA meetings to listen to what the alkies say...be informed.
Keep coming back to MIP often and read from those of us who are becoming winners. It is okay for duplicated what worked(s) for us. ((((hugs))))
el-cee said
Aug 14, 2017
This is what I experienced too. I left with my sons and 17yr old stayed through fear of him being alone. His drinking escalated and very quickly.my daughter realised she couldn't watch him kill himself and left too. Such a painful experience for her but her choice her experience and her lesson. As for me I had à lready chosen to not be a human sacrifice. I also wanted freedom and happiness and I got it when I joined alanon i got myself a recovery program set an example to my kids who are all in their 20s now and My ex is sober in recovery just for today. Get yourself into alanon and your daughter ifor she will go. Learn about detaching with love. Enabling boundaries and get free.
mamalioness said
Aug 14, 2017
Hi..Great share and wonderful honesty.....when I left my 2nd A whom I did love...I just drug my own inner demons with me when kicked him out and remained in the house that was in my name...i thought to myself "YES!!! magically my life is gonna be OK now" NOT!!! I had to fix ME....i got into recovery and finally learned how to keep the focus on me...take care of me....step 4 taught me about me and HOW I got this way...Each person in my life had a role in my "training" of how to care or not to care about me.....and I get it!! you want daughter to be with him, but is it healthy for HER??? both of you have been focusing on him for so long, its like you forget that "hey, I am here., I need me" mentality...I read your post and I am thinking "Bless her heart she still wants to save him" like I did with my Ex A.....it won't happen unless he surrenders and gets help and seeks out medical and AA help...it just won't happen....I'm not saying kick him to the curb...toss him to the sharks...but what I am suggesting is that if you "let him be" MAYBE he will be forced to get help..You can cheer him on from a distance....you can be supportive but not yoked up with him....There is absolutely ZERO you can do to help him with his drinking....you can be separated and still be a "balcony person" for him in that you cheer him on, but your not jumping on stage with him to read him his lines......I think that is what he wants..you on stage with him, acting out his "life play" with him, but you cannot...to do that would rob him of his lessons he needs if there is any hope of saving him....Yes, cheer him on...Yes, pray for him...Yes, get into meetings so you can learn the only one you really can change is you...Hoping Daughter can get into Al-anon and learn a healthier way of life as well...........sending you peace and hugs of support.....
gratefulforafuture said
Aug 14, 2017
Thank you to everyone who sent me such loving messages. The calm and warm feeling I have a result will help me get through another day. Heading to an alanon meeting tonight. I am grateful for the opportunity to concentrate on making myself healthy. I don't know you all but I love you!
mamalioness said
Aug 14, 2017
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((gratefulforafuture))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Hope I spelled that right.......you're such a good, loving soul...your HP will get you through this all because you are doing the work you need to do.........LOVE it!! we CAN make life OK...we CAN...and I would love for that to be your mantra for today......"I CAN---I CAN" hugs of support
Iamhere said
Aug 14, 2017
Let us know how your meeting goes....A wise person told me to try and keep an open mind, and look for the similarities instead of the differences. Sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers!!
Jerry F said
Aug 14, 2017
Thanks Grateful for your love...I will pass it around. (((hugs)))
Junenine said
Aug 14, 2017
(((gratefulforafuture))) just wanna say i'm sorry to hear of your troubles and i appreciate the honesty of your share - i relate MUCHHHH - and also really appreciate the responses, as they apply to me so much as well. i am doing my best to be supportive of my (ex)partner but from a distance... very difficult. i hear you. you're not alone. all the best.
I am new here, but thought perhaps someone has been through something similar to my experience. After many years of trying to come to terms with my husband's alcoholism, I moved out with my 15-year old daughter. I do feel better in my own home, but my image of being able to leave the old "alcoholic impacted" life behind was not real. He is very depressed that I left and, after an unsuccessful stay in detox, is refusing to get help and sinking lower. He is extremely unhealthy and I know the alcoholism will kill him. I just don't know if it will be tomorrow or in five years. In the meantime, my 22-year old daughter wants to stay with him so that he isn't so lonely that he kills himself.
I feel unsure about my role here. I want to reach for happiness and freedom, but do I turn my back on him while he is mentally and physically falling apart? I feel like I can't leave my daughter alone with this situation either. I wanted her to be with me but she feels too guilty and fearful about deserting her dad.
It feels selfish to be concentrating on my own health and happiness when he is so sick. His parents are elderly and completely in shock that their son is an alcoholic so no help there.
Any words of wisdom are greatly appreciated.
The cycle of distorted thinking was only disrupted for me when I put myself first and focused on my own health and sanity. In recovery, I have a much better shot at being of compassionate service to one in need instead of being a crazy anxious mess (which was me) always anticipating gloom and doom.
In my scenario, there have been times when I really expected to get the call with the worst news possible. My alcoholic(s) went so, so low on several occasions and there was nothing I could do to stop that train. At the present moment, one is in recovery and two are not. This disease is a huge drain on all who love/care about an alcoholic and working to heal myself has brought about a little bit of rationality to an irrational disease.
I am one who believes I am far more helpful with a serene/sane mind than all my efforts of before.....keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery. Glad you are here!
When I left my alcoholic wife, initially, I thought I would be leaving a terrible, dysfunctional, hell...and walking into Better Homes and Gardens. LOL. Well, the first rude awakening I had was that I left one dysfunctional environment...and walked into another! Why? I got a great condo, was living alone, in peace, quiet, serenity, I was going to meetings, and so on. So what was wrong? What happened? I left one place, went to another and what was the common ingredient? ME!!! I was dysfunctional. Not completely, but I was unhealthy, living with an alcoholic...I left...was by myself...but I was still unhealthy!!!
My wife too went to detox, failed, tried again, failed and then refused help because she was sinking lower and lower, and I was gone, so why should she change, get better, etc. However, and this is not what you want to hear...your husband, being very depressed you left, unsuccessful in detox, refusing help, and everything else...is not your business. You need to focus on you. It may sound cold, but after focusing on him for so long...you have now left, and you are still doing so. If you want, you, your daughter, can be there for him -- but it should be in a healthy, supportive way, a way that is healthy for you! If you know that he is extremely unhealthy and that the alcoholism will kill him...I am guessing your suggesting that you can help him with that. You can save him? Fix him? Control him and his drinking?
You do not have to turn your back on him -- but you can't be joined at the hip, and a partner in his day to day living, whether it be sober and recovery or drinking and whatever else comes with that. It is not deserting him because in reality...there is nothing you can do about his drinking. It is up to him. He is going to drink, and do whatever he wants to do. Period. You don't have to be a partner in the day to day, minute to minute, everything going on. I would suspect he wants that, but you have to do what you need to do to be healthy.
Start going to al-anon meetings. Many of them. Immerse yourself in acceptance and start there. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work now, on you. Keep coming back.
Aloha Grateful and welcome to the board. You came here for a reason and that was to get support and help. I am sure most of us are here for that reason also and some with much more time in recovery than others and still we know that we cannot do for your husband or yourself what you both will not do for yourselves. Alcoholism is a cunning powerful and baffling disease...I learned that in the rooms of Al-Anon, AA and college. If the drinker is not fully invested in getting and staying sober the outcome isn't good. Suggest your daughter to go to face to face Al-Anon meetings with you and get and read as much literature as you both can. You cannot tag-team alcoholism. I did so much to try to get my alcoholic/addict wife clean and sober and none of it worked and I could have been arrested for much of it.
I didn't know and didn't even know that I didn't know what I was dealing with ...and I was born and raised in it. This is an AMA registered disease that if not arrested by total abstinence results in insanity and death.
I've tried so many things in sobriety to help alcoholics and one of the best was contacting the local AA Central Office and getting a recovering alcoholic out to talk to the alcoholic. I've done that 3 times in the past which worked. Alcoholics speaking to other alcoholics works best...not perfectly...just best. Take your daughter with you to Al-Anon and then when you can got to open AA meetings to listen to what the alkies say...be informed.
Keep coming back to MIP often and read from those of us who are becoming winners. It is okay for duplicated what worked(s) for us. ((((hugs))))
Hi..Great share and wonderful honesty.....when I left my 2nd A whom I did love...I just drug my own inner demons with me when kicked him out and remained in the house that was in my name...i thought to myself "YES!!! magically my life is gonna be OK now" NOT!!! I had to fix ME....i got into recovery and finally learned how to keep the focus on me...take care of me....step 4 taught me about me and HOW I got this way...Each person in my life had a role in my "training" of how to care or not to care about me.....and I get it!! you want daughter to be with him, but is it healthy for HER??? both of you have been focusing on him for so long, its like you forget that "hey, I am here., I need me" mentality...I read your post and I am thinking "Bless her heart she still wants to save him" like I did with my Ex A.....it won't happen unless he surrenders and gets help and seeks out medical and AA help...it just won't happen....I'm not saying kick him to the curb...toss him to the sharks...but what I am suggesting is that if you "let him be" MAYBE he will be forced to get help..You can cheer him on from a distance....you can be supportive but not yoked up with him....There is absolutely ZERO you can do to help him with his drinking....you can be separated and still be a "balcony person" for him in that you cheer him on, but your not jumping on stage with him to read him his lines......I think that is what he wants..you on stage with him, acting out his "life play" with him, but you cannot...to do that would rob him of his lessons he needs if there is any hope of saving him....Yes, cheer him on...Yes, pray for him...Yes, get into meetings so you can learn the only one you really can change is you...Hoping Daughter can get into Al-anon and learn a healthier way of life as well...........sending you peace and hugs of support.....
Thanks Grateful for your love...I will pass it around. (((hugs)))
(((gratefulforafuture))) just wanna say i'm sorry to hear of your troubles and i appreciate the honesty of your share - i relate MUCHHHH - and also really appreciate the responses, as they apply to me so much as well. i am doing my best to be supportive of my (ex)partner but from a distance... very difficult. i hear you. you're not alone. all the best.