I'm struggling with my responses to AH when he wants me to pity him or take his side in a situation
I often disagree with his assessment of what other people should do or say and feel he is lacking in maturity and empathy when he feels someone is wrong. He comes to me with a story about a person who he feels is wrong in some way and if I don't agree he gets upset with me. This is now a predictable pattern and I instead try to finish the conversation without speaking my mind because I know he doesn't actually want to hear my thoughts.
But, last night it came to a head. I told him exactly why I didn't want to have the conversation and I didn't say it in a kind way. I'm tired of being told I'm a poor spouse because I don't agree that so and so is an asshole or an idiot.
In a way it is freeing to name the pattern and let AH know how I'm feeling and I wonder if I crossed the line and was hurtful. He slept on the couch and hasn't spoken to me since this happened and of course I'm fighting my urge to fix and smooth over everything. Maybe it is good he is upset because that means we are facing the reality of this toxic pattern but I will take time to reflect on my part so I can own any hurtful things I said.
Bethany66 said
Aug 9, 2017
I totally understand your frustration. I too have had these conversations with my AH. I have found that the best way for me to handle those conversations is to bow out. I know it sounds chicken, but it works. Diversion, distraction, segue are all tactics I use anymore. I know for our situation it is often the mentality of having to make someone else bad to make himself feel good and I don't like the negativity. I tried defending the other person, trying to play devils advocate, trying to enlighten my AH on how much better he would feel if he would not be so negative about others, and everything started an argument. Sometimes I just listen and say Ummm. And then I pray, "bless him, change me". This is a very real struggle for me as well and I know how it feels untrue to my sense of fairness to participate in bad-mouthing someone who may or may not have done anything wrong. So any way I can find to get out of the conversation, I run with!!
Progress not perfection...
SerenityRUS said
Aug 9, 2017
I like what Father Tom has to say outside of the everyone needs 100k alanon meetings and if you hit that you might need more .. lol.
Sometimes the best way to disengage those conversations are to stick with the statement I am sorry you feel that way or the alanon "oh" as a response.
New patterns of behaving are scary and I find second guessing myself a waste of time. I'm grateful for alanon to give me a safe place to explore those behaviors so I can use them in other situations.
I am responsible for what I say .. I am not responsible for how someone reacts. It is not my job to make someone else feel comfortable in their rightness or wrongness .. these are just states of being .. no different than I am responsible for someone else's unhappiness or happiness. I don't have that kind of power. I am not their HP.
Big hugs keep coming back ..
bud said
Aug 9, 2017
Like, SerenityRUS, I do my best to not engage... I'll also say "ok", not as in I'm ok with what's being said, but as an acknowledgement that I heard the person.
Iamhere said
Aug 9, 2017
I third what's suggested. I try to listen with empathy and then remain as non-committed as I can to agreeing unless I do agree. I too have used, "I am sorry you feel that way", "Oh", "Hummm", or avoid the person attack by just saying, "It sounds like an interesting day."
In my case, when I offer another perspective, I am opening the door for a debate or fight. Neither of these are winning scenarios, so I'll do all that I can to avoid that. I've even said, "You sound really ______________ (frustrated, angry, disappointed, etc.)
Not my circus and not my monkeys comes to mind...I too understand your frustration with this. I am reminded daily that this disease affects the mind/thinking/rationality of the entire family. How things appear to me can be very different than how they appear to others.
hotrod said
Aug 9, 2017
I too have experienced this as well. Simply saying "WOW " that is something I do hear you not sure what to say or or do. Good luck
Neroli said
Aug 10, 2017
This is something I've been working on lately. The advice I've gotten which seems to be going well so far is to say something like: Have you talked to your sponsor about it? (OR) Hmm, you said you'd get a sponsor, if you had one you could ask him. You could bring that up at your AA meeting. What does your counsellor think? (He's in out-patient treatment, so has a counsellor.)
So as a family member it takes the heat off me to just operate on the assumption that all these other people are out there to help him and would actually do a better job at it, since when I was trying to solve his problems and constantly listened to his complaining about other people it did not end well. He still tries to suck me in to the drama, but now he may be starting to get used to the idea that I'm just not going to discuss it. And I did tell him that I don't want to discuss things like that anymore.
Progress not perfection...
Sometimes the best way to disengage those conversations are to stick with the statement I am sorry you feel that way or the alanon "oh" as a response.
New patterns of behaving are scary and I find second guessing myself a waste of time. I'm grateful for alanon to give me a safe place to explore those behaviors so I can use them in other situations.
I am responsible for what I say .. I am not responsible for how someone reacts. It is not my job to make someone else feel comfortable in their rightness or wrongness .. these are just states of being .. no different than I am responsible for someone else's unhappiness or happiness. I don't have that kind of power. I am not their HP.
Big hugs keep coming back ..
In my case, when I offer another perspective, I am opening the door for a debate or fight. Neither of these are winning scenarios, so I'll do all that I can to avoid that. I've even said, "You sound really ______________ (frustrated, angry, disappointed, etc.)
Not my circus and not my monkeys comes to mind...I too understand your frustration with this. I am reminded daily that this disease affects the mind/thinking/rationality of the entire family. How things appear to me can be very different than how they appear to others.
I too have experienced this as well. Simply saying "WOW " that is something I do hear you not sure what to say or or do. Good luck
This is something I've been working on lately. The advice I've gotten which seems to be going well so far is to say something like: Have you talked to your sponsor about it? (OR) Hmm, you said you'd get a sponsor, if you had one you could ask him. You could bring that up at your AA meeting. What does your counsellor think? (He's in out-patient treatment, so has a counsellor.)
So as a family member it takes the heat off me to just operate on the assumption that all these other people are out there to help him and would actually do a better job at it, since when I was trying to solve his problems and constantly listened to his complaining about other people it did not end well. He still tries to suck me in to the drama, but now he may be starting to get used to the idea that I'm just not going to discuss it. And I did tell him that I don't want to discuss things like that anymore.