Today my AH was extremely mad at my newest boundaries:
You have three choices:
1. Rehab
2. Do what YOU want, but you have to live someplace else
3. Do what YOU want and kid and I will move out at the end of the month.
I can't live this way any longer. So I am trying to move towards what is best for ME and my kid.
Even though I was saying all the "right" al-anon things, and trying to keep it to "I" sentences, he was royally pissed! I had to leave for work, so when he finished his tirade, I just told him I am so sorry you feel this way, but I am going to be late for work, I have to leave. Even though that sounds kind of passive, I left the house and he was mad!
About 2 hours later he calls me at work (something he knows I can't have) to tell me, "I just called to say I am sorry. But I just want to be treated better."
WTH??
I said I am sorry that what I am saying makes him feel like he's being mistreated, but I am going to get in trouble, so I have to hang up. And I did.
I almost lost my composure & serenity. But, I stopped to think what would Betty, or Serenity, or Iamhere, or Bo, do? You get the idea... what would any long-standing MIP member do? I took 3 deep breaths and told myself, JUST BECAUSE IT IS HIS REALITY, DOES NOT MEAN IT IS THE CORRECT REALITY.
This was important to me... b/c after the shock of finding out how deep AH's alcoholism was, came "helpful" me. But everything that "helpful" me provided my spouse to embrace recovery was tossed aside. So then came anger, disappointment and bitterness. But from getting so much good ESH here, I was able to detach myself from AH and the disease, so that I could still live in the same house without killing him! JK!! I think! LOL!
The point being is I have been nothing but supportive... especially when you think of all the support I gave him for the year and a half prior we were trying to find out his medical problems. All that wasted time and money to find out that they are all caused by this disease of alcoholism!
So for him to tell me that he wants to be treated better was a slap in the face! But after calming myself down with my al-anon tools, I thought, what would the forum say to you? Well, I know anyone here would tell me that what my AH was telling me is...
He doesn't like this new development, and wants me to go back to enabling him. End of story.
So thank you, MIP friends! You saved my sanity today!
PNP
Iamhere said
Aug 8, 2017
Great share PnP and great awareness! I truly do smile deeply when I see the program in action.....just keep doing you - and keep moving forward - One Day at a Time!!
hotrod said
Aug 8, 2017
I agree with iAH, PNP Your ability to process the situation with healthy thought processing without reacting is certainly admirable, I do believe he is screaming "Change back"
Your boundaries are reasonable so keep on keeping on.
KT2015 said
Aug 8, 2017
your title was needing a hug so (((PnP)))
you got this. Keep on going one day at a time.
NatalieP said
Aug 8, 2017
I'm very new here but wanted to say that your post really helped me to see the alcoholism at work. I'm so sorry you're going through this. The convaluted twist they are capable of is amazing, isn't it?! My AH seems to have married the worst, most hateful woman on the planet, according to him. The similarities makes me wonder if alcohol has corrupted specific parts of their brain so that they're incapable of being anything but self-centered. You do need and DESERVE a ((hug))!
a4l said
Aug 8, 2017
You're doing great! Sending those hugs.
milkwood said
Aug 9, 2017
Sending some more ((((((hugs))))))) and sneaking a high-five in there too! What a great post PnP
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 9, 2017
Awe, shucks, guys!
The growth in me is due in the largest part to you all here on this forum. Thank you for making me feel like you have my back!
Progress not perfection!
bud said
Aug 9, 2017
Sending hugs! You're doing a great job of self-care by setting and maintaining boundaries.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 9, 2017
Big hugs sis .. my sponsor called that the change back behavior .. I don't like the new you because I don't know what to do with it. Change back so things can go back to how they were and I can manipulate the situation. You seriously did great!!! This is good stuff!! Keep taking those steps forward and the focus on you. Hugs s:)
Jazzie18 said
Aug 9, 2017
PNP you are so right on what people would tell you. I remember when I stopped enabling my AH he completely flipped out, started blaming me for stuff, throwing man-tantrums, etc. It is also scary for them when you start to change because then they have to really deal with the consequences of their disease. I thank god for this program every day because if I hadn't changed, nothing would have and I would still be miserable. I loved your ESH and it shows a lot of strength. Keep up the great work. There is light at the end of this tunnel.
-- Edited by Jazzie18 on Wednesday 9th of August 2017 01:17:53 PM
YARNCRAZY said
Aug 9, 2017
hug for u,this is a difficult step to make and see through but u can do it !! hug hug hug
Junenine said
Aug 9, 2017
(((PosiesandPuppies))) Good for you and big hugs to you! I can relate. I've been told I'm cruel, I'm breaking his heart... never mind that I've been super supportive for years plus talking about everything and warning for a long time that I'm not going to be able to live like this forever. But taking action, that's a whole other story.
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 10, 2017
Oh, thank you, Jazzie, YarnCrazy and Junenine! I so needed some positivity today!
el-cee said
Aug 10, 2017
Of course they can't see it but taking care of you helps him take care of himself. He might take time to believe you mean it. The merry go round called denial booklet explains this well. Keep up the good work
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 10, 2017
Thank you, el-cee!
T Sears said
Aug 10, 2017
I am a 69 yro old single woman who has tried a long time trying to help my 19 yr old granddaughter who is addicted to drugs and alchol Several days ago I tole her to leave my home and if she came back I would have her arrested. over the last 3-4 yrs she has stole off of me lied to me over and over and by the way her mom is also addicted to drugs and alchol . I am so tired and worn out of trying to hold this family together I know I have been a great enabler. why do I feel so guilty and the only way she listens is if I get angry and I do not like to get that way. I do attnd my AA meetings regular and that helps. I am slowly cutting off all of my support to her . I was in the al-anon program a long time ago when my late husband was in the program and after several yrs of him in the aa program I reach my bottom. This current issue with my granddaughter is hurting me so any suggestion would be great, I am open
Jerry F said
Aug 10, 2017
T Sears like others here I am also a double...both AA and Al-Anon. I would suggest you get back to your Al-Anon program which is for those people affected by SOME ONE ELSES DRINKING. I haven't had a drink in a long time and still life goes on even when it goes on in a way I don't like. Keep coming back and glad you showed up and shared with courage. ((((hugs))))
hotrod said
Aug 11, 2017
Welcome TSears, as Jerry suggested, Alanon meetings will help you develop new constructive tools to live by, so please search out alanon meeting and attend.
You are not alone and there is hope so do keep coming back.
Iamhere said
Aug 11, 2017
Welcome to MIP Thelma - glad you found us and glad that you shared. So sorry for the pain caused by the disease of alcoholism in your life. My best suggestion is to lean into the Al-Anon program, and explore all it offers.
I can relate to your pain as I have two sons who struggle with addiction. It's so very hard to watch the disease progress in them. For me, I had to use the program to create healthy boundaries, detach and find lovely support who truly understand where we are.
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery. Know that you are not alone!
Today my AH was extremely mad at my newest boundaries:
You have three choices:
1. Rehab
2. Do what YOU want, but you have to live someplace else
3. Do what YOU want and kid and I will move out at the end of the month.
I can't live this way any longer. So I am trying to move towards what is best for ME and my kid.
Even though I was saying all the "right" al-anon things, and trying to keep it to "I" sentences, he was royally pissed! I had to leave for work, so when he finished his tirade, I just told him I am so sorry you feel this way, but I am going to be late for work, I have to leave. Even though that sounds kind of passive, I left the house and he was mad!
About 2 hours later he calls me at work (something he knows I can't have) to tell me, "I just called to say I am sorry. But I just want to be treated better."
WTH??
I said I am sorry that what I am saying makes him feel like he's being mistreated, but I am going to get in trouble, so I have to hang up. And I did.
I almost lost my composure & serenity. But, I stopped to think what would Betty, or Serenity, or Iamhere, or Bo, do? You get the idea... what would any long-standing MIP member do? I took 3 deep breaths and told myself, JUST BECAUSE IT IS HIS REALITY, DOES NOT MEAN IT IS THE CORRECT REALITY.
This was important to me... b/c after the shock of finding out how deep AH's alcoholism was, came "helpful" me. But everything that "helpful" me provided my spouse to embrace recovery was tossed aside. So then came anger, disappointment and bitterness. But from getting so much good ESH here, I was able to detach myself from AH and the disease, so that I could still live in the same house without killing him! JK!! I think! LOL!
The point being is I have been nothing but supportive... especially when you think of all the support I gave him for the year and a half prior we were trying to find out his medical problems. All that wasted time and money to find out that they are all caused by this disease of alcoholism!
So for him to tell me that he wants to be treated better was a slap in the face! But after calming myself down with my al-anon tools, I thought, what would the forum say to you? Well, I know anyone here would tell me that what my AH was telling me is...
He doesn't like this new development, and wants me to go back to enabling him. End of story.
So thank you, MIP friends! You saved my sanity today!
PNP
Your boundaries are reasonable so keep on keeping on.
you got this. Keep on going one day at a time.
I'm very new here but wanted to say that your post really helped me to see the alcoholism at work. I'm so sorry you're going through this. The convaluted twist they are capable of is amazing, isn't it?! My AH seems to have married the worst, most hateful woman on the planet, according to him. The similarities makes me wonder if alcohol has corrupted specific parts of their brain so that they're incapable of being anything but self-centered. You do need and DESERVE a ((hug))!
The growth in me is due in the largest part to you all here on this forum. Thank you for making me feel like you have my back!
Progress not perfection!
PNP you are so right on what people would tell you. I remember when I stopped enabling my AH he completely flipped out, started blaming me for stuff, throwing man-tantrums, etc. It is also scary for them when you start to change because then they have to really deal with the consequences of their disease. I thank god for this program every day because if I hadn't changed, nothing would have and I would still be miserable. I loved your ESH and it shows a lot of strength. Keep up the great work. There is light at the end of this tunnel.
-- Edited by Jazzie18 on Wednesday 9th of August 2017 01:17:53 PM
(((PosiesandPuppies))) Good for you and big hugs to you! I can relate. I've been told I'm cruel, I'm breaking his heart... never mind that I've been super supportive for years plus talking about everything and warning for a long time that I'm not going to be able to live like this forever. But taking action, that's a whole other story.
I am a 69 yro old single woman who has tried a long time trying to help my 19 yr old granddaughter who is addicted to drugs and alchol Several days ago I tole her to leave my home and if she came back I would have her arrested. over the last 3-4 yrs she has stole off of me lied to me over and over and by the way her mom is also addicted to drugs and alchol . I am so tired and worn out of trying to hold this family together I know I have been a great enabler. why do I feel so guilty and the only way she listens is if I get angry and I do not like to get that way. I do attnd my AA meetings regular and that helps. I am slowly cutting off all of my support to her . I was in the al-anon program a long time ago when my late husband was in the program and after several yrs of him in the aa program I reach my bottom. This current issue with my granddaughter is hurting me so any suggestion would be great, I am open
T Sears like others here I am also a double...both AA and Al-Anon. I would suggest you get back to your Al-Anon program which is for those people affected by SOME ONE ELSES DRINKING. I haven't had a drink in a long time and still life goes on even when it goes on in a way I don't like. Keep coming back and glad you showed up and shared with courage. ((((hugs))))
You are not alone and there is hope so do keep coming back.
I can relate to your pain as I have two sons who struggle with addiction. It's so very hard to watch the disease progress in them. For me, I had to use the program to create healthy boundaries, detach and find lovely support who truly understand where we are.
Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery. Know that you are not alone!
Thanks for all words of encouragment
Thanks for all words of encouragment