Actually I think it's denial. This is on the part of my A. You may remember that he had a big drinking-related health crisis recently. He wasn't speaking to me, but from what I heard, he only barely pulled through. A month in the hospital, and now he is in a wheelchair. He says he is involved with AA, but the people who have visited him say he doesn't remember some things from one day to the next, so what kind of coherent follow-through he's capable of - well, I have my doubts.
But as to whether he's showing signs of greater emotional health and awareness, I can already tell. He failed to communicate with me while I knew he could die at any minute, and drove our child crazy with worrying. In all of this mess he ended up owing me thousands of dollars, which I knew would happen going in, but just saying. I'm certain I'll never see that money again, but it doesn't mean I don't have eye-rolling feelings about it.
Anyway, we've been divorced for many years, but he called and said he wanted to take me out "for our wedding anniversary"! He has not forgotten that we are divorced. He just thinks I'd be all sentimental about our anniversary. Truth be told, I can't even remember exactly what day it is. Incidentally, he hasn't apologized for ghosting me during his crisis, or even acknowledged it.
I am just continually amazed, and even entertained, at his outrageous optimism. That he can drink and it won't cause problems. And that he can ghost his ex, and stiff her out of thousands, and that she'll be all thrilled to celebrate their ex-anniversary. You just gotta laugh. Then cry. Then laugh some more.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 8, 2017
Mattie big hugs you constantly amaze me in such a great way. I don't know how you do it. Keep on keeping on and yes .. laughing is far better than crying I always figure those are the moments that are going to make a great chapter in my book!!!
hotrod said
Aug 8, 2017
((Mattie)) I hear you and so understand. Sending positive thoughts and prayers out to you
bud said
Aug 9, 2017
Hugs and sending supportive prayers. I can relate and gain a lot from reading your posts.
shrnp said
Aug 9, 2017
Hi Mattie,
Maybe he is still really sick and has alcoholic dementia. I don't know what is really going one but my ex-abf got really sick and could not walk and he almost had alcoholic dementia but luckily he recovered.
Bo said
Aug 10, 2017
What an excellent topic -- denial, expectations, optimism, etc. -- for me has always been a slippery slope. Actually, it's somewhat of a gray area. It's rarely cut and dry. I find that there is this somewhat fuzzy area where it's hard for me to distinguish denial vs. my expectations, hopes, optimism, etc. That was in my early days -- pre-recovery.
I can't tell you how many times I have heard in meetings...I should have high hopes, but low expectations. So many times, in meetings, we have talked about how expectations can hurt, cause pain, and so on. That's on me. My optimism -- for everything with the alcoholic -- almost always led to some let-down or even worse, pain.
However, ironically, it was not the alcoholic and what she did that caused me pain -- it was me, my expectations, lack of acceptance, etc.
I had to stop looking at what the alcoholic was doing -- whether or not she was going to meetings, was truly sincere and serious about living a life of recovery, was just going through the motions, calling it in, and so on. That's not my business. I need to stay on my side of the street and keep my side of the street clean -- not hers! I need to focus on me. So, she does what she does...and then I have to decide...what is acceptable and unacceptable to me, is this the way I want to live my life, and so on and so on.
While my AW was often very optimistic -- and some may say delusional, in denial, etc. -- and that's OK, in my early days, I too was sometimes that way. I had to focus on me and how I could change that, with me, for me, in me. I never gave thought to how she could _________________, expect me to _____________, and think the world is OK. That's her side of the street. Thanks for all of the excellent posts.
Actually I think it's denial.
This is on the part of my A. You may remember that he had a big drinking-related health crisis recently. He wasn't speaking to me, but from what I heard, he only barely pulled through. A month in the hospital, and now he is in a wheelchair. He says he is involved with AA, but the people who have visited him say he doesn't remember some things from one day to the next, so what kind of coherent follow-through he's capable of - well, I have my doubts.
But as to whether he's showing signs of greater emotional health and awareness, I can already tell. He failed to communicate with me while I knew he could die at any minute, and drove our child crazy with worrying. In all of this mess he ended up owing me thousands of dollars, which I knew would happen going in, but just saying. I'm certain I'll never see that money again, but it doesn't mean I don't have eye-rolling feelings about it.
Anyway, we've been divorced for many years, but he called and said he wanted to take me out "for our wedding anniversary"! He has not forgotten that we are divorced. He just thinks I'd be all sentimental about our anniversary. Truth be told, I can't even remember exactly what day it is. Incidentally, he hasn't apologized for ghosting me during his crisis, or even acknowledged it.
I am just continually amazed, and even entertained, at his outrageous optimism. That he can drink and it won't cause problems. And that he can ghost his ex, and stiff her out of thousands, and that she'll be all thrilled to celebrate their ex-anniversary. You just gotta laugh. Then cry. Then laugh some more.
Maybe he is still really sick and has alcoholic dementia. I don't know what is really going one but my ex-abf got really sick and could not walk and he almost had alcoholic dementia but luckily he recovered.
I can't tell you how many times I have heard in meetings...I should have high hopes, but low expectations. So many times, in meetings, we have talked about how expectations can hurt, cause pain, and so on. That's on me. My optimism -- for everything with the alcoholic -- almost always led to some let-down or even worse, pain.
However, ironically, it was not the alcoholic and what she did that caused me pain -- it was me, my expectations, lack of acceptance, etc.
I had to stop looking at what the alcoholic was doing -- whether or not she was going to meetings, was truly sincere and serious about living a life of recovery, was just going through the motions, calling it in, and so on. That's not my business. I need to stay on my side of the street and keep my side of the street clean -- not hers! I need to focus on me. So, she does what she does...and then I have to decide...what is acceptable and unacceptable to me, is this the way I want to live my life, and so on and so on.
While my AW was often very optimistic -- and some may say delusional, in denial, etc. -- and that's OK, in my early days, I too was sometimes that way. I had to focus on me and how I could change that, with me, for me, in me. I never gave thought to how she could _________________, expect me to _____________, and think the world is OK. That's her side of the street. Thanks for all of the excellent posts.