Okay, So last month the AH had a bit of "wake up" after breaking the law, which could have turned out far worse him. He at the time realized things had gotten out of hand. That the way he was acting was not a true picture of his character.
Well that positive thinking didn't last long. About two weeks ago while I was work. I get a message from my youngest daughter. "I think daddy is drinking again" My heart broke into a thousand pieces! How could he!! My pride had been overflowing with how well he had been doing. He was putting in a solid try. I knew it was going to be rough for him, I told him that. Told him to talk when he was feeling overwhelmed. Of course he never did.
I come home to find him completely passed out. Mad doesn't even cover how I was feeling. I felt sick. Over reacting of course got the best of me as I walked into his room grabbed my pillow because I was not sleeping anywhere near that man. I may or may not have ment to, but I did slam the door as I left. Of course that stir up him up he walks out to the kitchen just the tell me too F off. Whatever I didn't care.
The next day I left work early, thinking I would get to him before he got drunk. Foolish thought. And he was mad I came home early. Even though I knew he already started, I said what I needed to say. Used a lot of "I" statements. The whole time he couldn't look me in the eye. Of course I know full well it did no good at all. This is just the cycle of this.
I'm starting to feel different towards him. This whole thing of not taking how serious what he had done (the broken law) and how it now feels like it's not a big deal to him. Even though the constant reminder of his problem looks at him everytime he drives his car!
Now I feel more betrayed, the trust is gone.
It's not that he doesn't know and understand he needs help, he refuses.....he can't leave work....he needs the money. I know he won't do it on his own. He can't even though he believes he can. I get the proof that he can't...he is still blinded by it.
A good friend told me I should go to his boss. She thinks the boss probably knows but feels it's not his place to stick his nose in. I totaly understand that possible way of thinking. I'm still weighing the pros and cons of going to his boss.
This last week my emtions have gotten the best of me. Overthinking things.
He'll be gone for a few weeks with work. So this is my time to get my self back on track.
Thanks all........needed to get this all out
SerenityRUS said
Aug 8, 2017
Oh BIG HUGS .. I am sooo sorry this all happened.
Can I ask if you are going to meetings, sponsor, working the steps and so on? If not I really encourage you to because it makes a HUGE difference and while the situation doesn't necessarily change .. I did and that was a huge blessing.
There are a few truths (that were true for me) that I learned about the situation I was in .. my XAH meant what he said in the moment .. I call it ass on fire moments. While it was lit up you bet his "intension" to follow through was there .. after it passed .. and the fire went out he was back to what he had been doing. Why? He's an alcoholic. That's what they do.
I also learned to mind my own business .. I can't remember who says if people got busy minding their own business they wouldn't have time for anything else. I know I am paraphrasing. Minding my own business means I focus on myself and let the other person have the consequences they need without trying to meddle in their situation .. the God of my understanding fully knows what is the best plan .. not me. I need to wait it out and see what else will be revealed. Unless I am invited I stay out. As an example. I had the other woman's phone number, I knew who her husband at the time was, I also knew where she worked as she worked with my XAH .. my XMIL and sponsor wanted to tell her now XH what was going on and after much reflection and more discussion with my sponsor .. came to the conclusion I do not know what her situation was .. and what if he was as crazy as my X there were children involved and what if someone got hurt. Even if she got hurt it didn't make me right. I also considered calling his boss .. again .. what would that do outside of reap more consequences that I would then be involved with .. my will is not the way to go.
His lessons were not mine and I still get caught from time to time when does he "learn" and the bottom line .. not up to me .. I don't have all the answers and his journey is exactly that .. his journey.
So my suggestion goes back to the top .. working with a sponsor helped me make better choices that worked better for my own situation .. and that's not to say I didn't misstep and turn it into a two step from time to time .. one thing I did not do was get involved in his business no matter how bad I wanted to .. I did meddle in other ways .. LOL .. and that kind of sucks. Go to meetings .. get support from people who are going through the fire .. get a sponsor and work the steps .. I know it sounds very trite when it feels like a crisis situation because it is and it is very personal even though the lesson is different between A and non A.
Big HUGS .. it will get better .. and I am blessed for what I have learned in my own journey. Keep coming back.
S :)
Iamhere said
Aug 8, 2017
(((Curly))) - I too am sorry there's so much drama/chaos brought by the disease. Sending you some positive thoughts and prayers - I do agree.....that merry-go-round can make one dizzy!!!
hotrod said
Aug 8, 2017
((Curly)) I do so understand and would like to assure you that attending meetings and following the alanon principles helped me to take the next right action and get off the Merry Go Round. Sending positive thoughts and prayers.
PosiesandPuppies said
Aug 8, 2017
Cyber hug (((Curly)))!
Much of what you said I am currently living through. For 9 months my husband "Couldn't leave work to get help, b/c he would get fired.... or couldn't do outpatient or AA meetings b/c he hates that environment... won't go to a psychologist b/c he's too afraid to face his fears... or won't look into or take part in his work substance abuse program b/c someone might find out."
Guess what? Alcoholism caught up with him and he was fired last week. Meanwhile, I went from bat-sh*t crazy woman to having some semblance of peace and am now working on extraditing my kid and I from this hellhole called a marriage. Have a lost "everything?" Sometimes I think so... but really, I haven't. In this time, ( 9 months knowing, 2 years not having a clue), I have come to hate my spouse. But this program has taught me to deal with him in a manner that each human being deserves, despite all the _ickhead moves/verbage he pulls on me and his son. It can help you too!
It all begins with truly knowing you cannot control your spouse. Society thinks you can, and many people may look down on you for your spouse's actions, but people in the know... the peeps here, they will remind you, and remind you that, 'You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.' The 3 C's. Best slogan for me, by far!!
Sending you light, love and serenity!
PNP
MizzB said
Aug 14, 2017
HI Curly, my "merry-go-round" is currently going. The music stops at the weekends and he dries out and then the music starts when he goes back to work. Tonight he told me he cant' do his job and not drink because it's endemic to his workplace. I told him that it means our relationship is over. He then said it doesn't mean that at all because he'd never leave the dog. Trying not to take it personally that he cares more about the dog than me. I have lost any trust in any message where he gives a time that he's coming back because it's always lies. I've lost the ability to trust in what he says when he's sober. It's just words. SO I understand where you are coming from. THis merry go round is more like a rollercoaster when the music is going. But I have the power to stop the music for good. Unfortunately when he drinks on a monday, that's the week devoted to it. I've now refused to give him money - he complains he can't get to work so I gave him a travel card. He threw that back in my face so I walked out. Then he's getting all worried because I've walked out. Well, now he knows how it feels when he doesn't come home. I am doing my best not to hate him as it's the disease. I hate the disease. with a passion. But if he thinks the disease is so inherent to his work and his work is so important then I make the choice not to have him in my life. ANd it's going to be bloody hard. But I won't live with him and the disease. There isn't enough energy in me for that. THe excuses we all hear are ridiculous as well all know it. But we have to be strong and stay true to ourselves, in whatever form that comes. Let them live in the excuses. Let us have the strength to focus on ourselves.
-- Edited by MizzB on Monday 14th of August 2017 04:21:18 PM
Jerry F said
Aug 14, 2017
OOOOH Rachel that response broke my heart...your impression that he more chooses the dog than you. Chances are it isn't true other than he wanted to hurt you some because you didn't do what to him seems easier; just give him what he wants. Alcoholics are small thinkers. Accepting that others feel and think different than them is too much work. You did great. Keep it up, it will help him change which isn't such a bad thing for you...for him??? way too much. ((((hugs)))) keep coming back.
MizzB said
Aug 14, 2017
Hi Jerry, It's not a perception, when he's drunk he does prefer the dog! She doesn't give him hassle for drinking or give him the silent treatment (not that I did tonight - and I try on to). When he comes in, he talks to her rather than me if he's been drinking! But it's ok. I prefer the dog to him too!! She's never let me down, or patronised me, or emotionally abused me. So I can understand why he prefers her. Luckily I have all the paperwork on her in my name plus I have the flat so if/when it comes to ending this destructive relationship, he will lose both her and me, and the roof over his head. Maybe then he'll hit his bottom and find a way to sort himself out. Or maybe he'll enjoy not having someone who makes his life harder by making him responsible for his drinking. WHo knows? All I know is that when I finally get the strength to end this, I will be the one who will come out stronger. Thank you for your reply Jerry. It does mean a lot.
Bo said
Aug 15, 2017
For me -- and I was in the same place -- all of this had to do with me. Why? Acceptance and expectations. I didn't have the former, and still had the latter. So who gets hurt, and into a bad, unhealthy place? Me. Not to beat myself up, but I brought this upon myself. Not the alcoholic!
When I asked her to talk to me, share with me, when she was feeling overwhelmed, struggling, etc. -- my mistake. That is her business. If she was in recovery -- and being authentic -- then she would pick up the phone, call her sponsor, go to a meeting, etc. She would know what to do. Me wanting to be a part of that is me trying to fix, control, be involved, and so forth. That's just me and how I was when going through this. I felt so good about her and her efforts. But, she was not going to meetings, didn't have a sponsor, wasn't living a life of recovery -- she was just trying to quit drinking.
My expectations made me unhealthy. My wanting what I wanted made me unhealthy. I kept trying to share and talk to her. My mistake. I can't apply logic to an illogical person and illogical situation. What was I trying to do? What was I doing? That's where the truthful, open, and completely honest me looking at me needed to start. The bottom line -- she could try to quit drinking a million times. That is not recovery. She tried to quit drinking. She didn't make a decision to get better and get healthy and get into recovery. Why should I feel betrayed? She didn't betray me. She did what she did. She did what alcoholics do. She knew she needed help. She just didn't want to do it the recovery way -- she wanted to do it her way. She also had a thousand reasons. Denial. That's all it was.
Well, at least you have the opportunity to focus on YOU. The secret is to do that every day, one day at a time. Whether he is home or away. Get back on track. Go to face to face meetings and start doing the work with your sponsor. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Flyfree said
Aug 15, 2017
Thanks Bo for reminding me of where I need to be for me!. All my life I have devoted my time and energy to helping others and some where along the way I forgot to take care of myself. I always focused on everyone elses needs and wants putting mine off. That is my profession. So in a relationship with my AH I was setting myself up for how I am feeling. When he wasn't using life was good we were sailing along with a few selfish pumps in the road, but now that he started drinking, I internalized and took to heart what he was saying and doing. Not understanding his sickness and I didn't cause it, I can't fix it, and I am not responsible for it, even though he tells me I am the reason he started drinking again. For me, I am trying to develop my boundaries and stop playing his games. This forum is very insightful and is helping me to see me again. I am responsible for taking care of me. He is responsible for taking care of himself. Thanks again.
Bo said
Aug 15, 2017
You are very welcome flyfree. Being at the point where you are trying to develop your boundaries -- step back. Get some space and distance so that you can properly develop quality, integrity, and healthy boundaries. Yes, part of that is not playing his games. Boundaries will not work if one continues to play the alcoholic's/addict's games. That's where acceptance...true, complete, open and honest acceptance...and detachment comes in. It also means we have to let go -- and not contribute to the drama, chaos, and turmoil that the alcoholic and their drinking causes. We can't play a role, contribute, and perpetuate it.
Go to face to face meetings. As many as you can. Work with your sponsor on the boundaries. It is important to have objectivity when developing boundaries. Very important. Accountability can be important as well. The boundaries are not there for the alcoholic to honor and abide by. They are there for YOU to honor and abide by.
Keep coming back.
Flyfree said
Aug 16, 2017
Hi you are right the boundaries are for me. I know my AH is not capable of doing anything rational right now. I am traveling to a court hearing he refuses to go to and he will have to suffer the consequences for this choice. He is required to go. He isn't capable of doing the right thing anymore. So I am taking this time away to clear my head and try to get a better perspective. Decisions need to be made. I am not going to live with a person who may get me into legal problems. He didn't even come home last night or make sure I got to the airport. No call nothing. This disease is devastating. Not sure what I will find when I get back,. Wondering if I should even come back. Just venting. Thanks for your ESH.
Iamhere said
Aug 16, 2017
(((Flyfree))) - venting is welcome....we all need to do it at times! Sending you tons of prayers and positive thoughts. Hang in there!
Flyfree said
Aug 17, 2017
Just an update. I have taken time away from home, actually was coming to a court hearing that my AH got changed,. Already had plane ticket so I came to visit family instead. Good to be away to try and clear my head. My AH hasn't called to check and make sure I am alright. I did call and the only thing he is concerned about is me sending him money because of some crisis he is having. There is always a crisis. He had money when I left and after one day is broke. I have decided it is not my problem. I am focusing on me. I texted him and asked what was going to be different when I get back. I already know the answer.NOTHING. He has not hit his bottom. I can't live this way anymore. It is making me sick. I can't even make small talk with people about nothing because I am so upset about AH. That just shows me how messed up I am. I can't even enjoy playing with the grandkids. I want to enjoy life, the grandkids, etc. I feel so guilty if I just walk away. I keep remembering you never leave your partner in a fire. The problem with that is, if your partner doesn't want the help why do you both have to burn up?? He has chosen to do what he does without my permission, so why do I have to suffer the consequences? I know his disease is strong and consuming him, he can't see it, and even if he does, he isn't capable to stopping on his own. His family tells me the only way he will stop is jail or death. Jail was the only thing that helped him get clean 13 yrs ago. He was clean and sober 13 yrs till the past 6 months. This disease is cunning, baffling, and fatal. There is hope for those who want it. A profound spiritual awakening has to occur. I pray daily for that. Today I have to be the one making a change because nothing changes if nothing changes. Time for me to step out on faith.
Okay, So last month the AH had a bit of "wake up" after breaking the law, which could have turned out far worse him. He at the time realized things had gotten out of hand. That the way he was acting was not a true picture of his character.
Well that positive thinking didn't last long. About two weeks ago while I was work. I get a message from my youngest daughter. "I think daddy is drinking again" My heart broke into a thousand pieces! How could he!! My pride had been overflowing with how well he had been doing. He was putting in a solid try. I knew it was going to be rough for him, I told him that. Told him to talk when he was feeling overwhelmed. Of course he never did.
I come home to find him completely passed out. Mad doesn't even cover how I was feeling. I felt sick. Over reacting of course got the best of me as I walked into his room grabbed my pillow because I was not sleeping anywhere near that man. I may or may not have ment to, but I did slam the door as I left. Of course that stir up him up he walks out to the kitchen just the tell me too F off. Whatever I didn't care.
The next day I left work early, thinking I would get to him before he got drunk. Foolish thought. And he was mad I came home early. Even though I knew he already started, I said what I needed to say. Used a lot of "I" statements. The whole time he couldn't look me in the eye. Of course I know full well it did no good at all. This is just the cycle of this.
I'm starting to feel different towards him. This whole thing of not taking how serious what he had done (the broken law) and how it now feels like it's not a big deal to him. Even though the constant reminder of his problem looks at him everytime he drives his car!
Now I feel more betrayed, the trust is gone.
It's not that he doesn't know and understand he needs help, he refuses.....he can't leave work....he needs the money. I know he won't do it on his own. He can't even though he believes he can. I get the proof that he can't...he is still blinded by it.
A good friend told me I should go to his boss. She thinks the boss probably knows but feels it's not his place to stick his nose in. I totaly understand that possible way of thinking. I'm still weighing the pros and cons of going to his boss.
This last week my emtions have gotten the best of me. Overthinking things.
He'll be gone for a few weeks with work. So this is my time to get my self back on track.
Thanks all........needed to get this all out
Can I ask if you are going to meetings, sponsor, working the steps and so on? If not I really encourage you to because it makes a HUGE difference and while the situation doesn't necessarily change .. I did and that was a huge blessing.
There are a few truths (that were true for me) that I learned about the situation I was in .. my XAH meant what he said in the moment .. I call it ass on fire moments. While it was lit up you bet his "intension" to follow through was there .. after it passed .. and the fire went out he was back to what he had been doing. Why? He's an alcoholic. That's what they do.
I also learned to mind my own business .. I can't remember who says if people got busy minding their own business they wouldn't have time for anything else. I know I am paraphrasing. Minding my own business means I focus on myself and let the other person have the consequences they need without trying to meddle in their situation .. the God of my understanding fully knows what is the best plan .. not me. I need to wait it out and see what else will be revealed. Unless I am invited I stay out. As an example. I had the other woman's phone number, I knew who her husband at the time was, I also knew where she worked as she worked with my XAH .. my XMIL and sponsor wanted to tell her now XH what was going on and after much reflection and more discussion with my sponsor .. came to the conclusion I do not know what her situation was .. and what if he was as crazy as my X there were children involved and what if someone got hurt. Even if she got hurt it didn't make me right. I also considered calling his boss .. again .. what would that do outside of reap more consequences that I would then be involved with .. my will is not the way to go.
His lessons were not mine and I still get caught from time to time when does he "learn" and the bottom line .. not up to me .. I don't have all the answers and his journey is exactly that .. his journey.
So my suggestion goes back to the top .. working with a sponsor helped me make better choices that worked better for my own situation .. and that's not to say I didn't misstep and turn it into a two step from time to time .. one thing I did not do was get involved in his business no matter how bad I wanted to .. I did meddle in other ways .. LOL .. and that kind of sucks. Go to meetings .. get support from people who are going through the fire .. get a sponsor and work the steps .. I know it sounds very trite when it feels like a crisis situation because it is and it is very personal even though the lesson is different between A and non A.
Big HUGS .. it will get better .. and I am blessed for what I have learned in my own journey. Keep coming back.
S :)
((Curly)) I do so understand and would like to assure you that attending meetings and following the alanon principles helped me to take the next right action and get off the Merry Go Round.
Sending positive thoughts and prayers.
Much of what you said I am currently living through. For 9 months my husband "Couldn't leave work to get help, b/c he would get fired.... or couldn't do outpatient or AA meetings b/c he hates that environment... won't go to a psychologist b/c he's too afraid to face his fears... or won't look into or take part in his work substance abuse program b/c someone might find out."
Guess what? Alcoholism caught up with him and he was fired last week. Meanwhile, I went from bat-sh*t crazy woman to having some semblance of peace and am now working on extraditing my kid and I from this hellhole called a marriage. Have a lost "everything?" Sometimes I think so... but really, I haven't. In this time, ( 9 months knowing, 2 years not having a clue), I have come to hate my spouse. But this program has taught me to deal with him in a manner that each human being deserves, despite all the _ickhead moves/verbage he pulls on me and his son. It can help you too!
It all begins with truly knowing you cannot control your spouse. Society thinks you can, and many people may look down on you for your spouse's actions, but people in the know... the peeps here, they will remind you, and remind you that, 'You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.' The 3 C's. Best slogan for me, by far!!
Sending you light, love and serenity!
PNP
HI Curly, my "merry-go-round" is currently going. The music stops at the weekends and he dries out and then the music starts when he goes back to work. Tonight he told me he cant' do his job and not drink because it's endemic to his workplace. I told him that it means our relationship is over. He then said it doesn't mean that at all because he'd never leave the dog. Trying not to take it personally that he cares more about the dog than me. I have lost any trust in any message where he gives a time that he's coming back because it's always lies. I've lost the ability to trust in what he says when he's sober. It's just words. SO I understand where you are coming from. THis merry go round is more like a rollercoaster when the music is going. But I have the power to stop the music for good. Unfortunately when he drinks on a monday, that's the week devoted to it. I've now refused to give him money - he complains he can't get to work so I gave him a travel card. He threw that back in my face so I walked out. Then he's getting all worried because I've walked out. Well, now he knows how it feels when he doesn't come home. I am doing my best not to hate him as it's the disease. I hate the disease. with a passion. But if he thinks the disease is so inherent to his work and his work is so important then I make the choice not to have him in my life. ANd it's going to be bloody hard. But I won't live with him and the disease. There isn't enough energy in me for that. THe excuses we all hear are ridiculous as well all know it. But we have to be strong and stay true to ourselves, in whatever form that comes. Let them live in the excuses. Let us have the strength to focus on ourselves.
-- Edited by MizzB on Monday 14th of August 2017 04:21:18 PM
OOOOH Rachel that response broke my heart...your impression that he more chooses the dog than you. Chances are it isn't true other than he wanted to hurt you some because you didn't do what to him seems easier; just give him what he wants. Alcoholics are small thinkers. Accepting that others feel and think different than them is too much work. You did great. Keep it up, it will help him change which isn't such a bad thing for you...for him??? way too much. ((((hugs)))) keep coming back.
When I asked her to talk to me, share with me, when she was feeling overwhelmed, struggling, etc. -- my mistake. That is her business. If she was in recovery -- and being authentic -- then she would pick up the phone, call her sponsor, go to a meeting, etc. She would know what to do. Me wanting to be a part of that is me trying to fix, control, be involved, and so forth. That's just me and how I was when going through this. I felt so good about her and her efforts. But, she was not going to meetings, didn't have a sponsor, wasn't living a life of recovery -- she was just trying to quit drinking.
My expectations made me unhealthy. My wanting what I wanted made me unhealthy. I kept trying to share and talk to her. My mistake. I can't apply logic to an illogical person and illogical situation. What was I trying to do? What was I doing? That's where the truthful, open, and completely honest me looking at me needed to start. The bottom line -- she could try to quit drinking a million times. That is not recovery. She tried to quit drinking. She didn't make a decision to get better and get healthy and get into recovery. Why should I feel betrayed? She didn't betray me. She did what she did. She did what alcoholics do. She knew she needed help. She just didn't want to do it the recovery way -- she wanted to do it her way. She also had a thousand reasons. Denial. That's all it was.
Well, at least you have the opportunity to focus on YOU. The secret is to do that every day, one day at a time. Whether he is home or away. Get back on track. Go to face to face meetings and start doing the work with your sponsor. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Go to face to face meetings. As many as you can. Work with your sponsor on the boundaries. It is important to have objectivity when developing boundaries. Very important. Accountability can be important as well. The boundaries are not there for the alcoholic to honor and abide by. They are there for YOU to honor and abide by.
Keep coming back.