I can't do it anymore. I'm fed up. We've been married 7 years and he's been a major alcoholic for 5 years. I am basically a single mother because he's a drunken mess whenever he's home. He's been violent to me while drinking at least 3 times this year. He would never do such a thing sober but he hasn't had a sober day in over a year. As a stay at home mom I have no money or access to money. So here's the butt.. he's made it clear he's not going to change. So.im gathering information and evidence of his problem (pictures of him passed out in his car, passed out on the toilet, passed out sitting next to kids, passed out on the floor with food all over him)(bank statement showing he spends over $800 a month on alcohol)(pictures of bruises on my arms where he grabbed me, bruosed where he punched me in the eye, a witness from a wedding we went to two weeks ago where he grabbed my arm like a.child a drug me outside). So gathering gathering and buying my time. Trying to save some money. Selling off things we don't need...
Ugh how'd I get here? I can't allow this to continue. So if he won't get help. I'll get out
Junenine said
Aug 6, 2017
(((Isthisreallife))) i'm so sorry you find yourself in this painful situation. documenting everything seems to me like a good idea. the most important thing though is that you and your children are safe... i've seen people advise packing a bag in case you have to make a quick exit for your own safety. and calling domestic violence hotlines will give you more info. sending big hugs.
bud said
Aug 6, 2017
Hi and welcome - you're in the right place. I can relate to your post having had a similar story. Please have at least 3 safety plans for you and your children; it would be helpful to enlist the help of a friend/neighbor/ family for support. I kept a suitcase with a day or two worth of clothes and made sure to park so my car could not be blocked in. Things can escalate unexpectedly I kept my cell phone with me at all times in case I needed to call the police.
I have found the best way to work the program is to get a sponsor and start working the steps. Working the program has restored much of my sanity and serenity so that I could live my life more peacefully and without fear of physical harm.
I'm glad you're here - keep coming back.
Isthisreallife said
Aug 6, 2017
I do have an emergency plan or if I just get completely fed up. My parents have re-setup my childhood room with a bed and two toddler beds. I also have a suit case with a weeks worth of clothes for all of us. It's also where I keep what little cash I have (so he doesn't know that I'm saving) and a credit card i applied for on my own..
If I leave i still want him to see our kids but I'd like him to.wear a monitor for alcohol or provide a breathlizer when picking them up or dropping off... idk if that's s something that can be done. I just worry he's never taken care of our kids. He's never given any baths or cooked a single meal.... I'm at my wits end. We never do anything with him bc when he is home he's passed out. So.we so our own thing all the time
bud said
Aug 6, 2017
In many states, it can be arranged for someone to be routinely tested prior to taking the children. ... I remember my daughter and I being on our own most of the time... with my planning and worry with joint custody, ironically and sadly, he was too steeped in his disease and had no interest in seeing her.
mamalioness said
Aug 6, 2017
Hi is this: so glad you are here, and this guy is dangerous...he has crossed a line getting physical...GOOD JOB---getting documentation and evidence....what I would do is pack a duffel bag of your important papers, THE EVIDENCE and stuff you would need if you had to run out of the house in a hurry....I would find out wehre the nearest domestic violence shelter is and THEY , often, know of attorneys and other sources of help for you...he has to meet his obligations of support for you and the kids..and with that evidence?? You can put a restraining order on him, NOT to come around the children when drinking, supervised visitations with the kids and he has to be sober.....but if he SAID, he is not going to stop drinking that is your sign....Life with him, drinking will only get worse...the abuse usually escalates ...He could seriously harm you or even kill you....when they start the physical stuff, it only gets worse...sorry to say that but research has shown that abusers usually get worse because they are getting away with it....only when they get slammed with a night in jail and legal troubles MAYBE they will get into recovery??? don't count on it...count on you and AL-anon, face to face meetings where the more experienced folks can guide you on protecting you...but there is help for a mom with minor kids....but you have to make the decison that you've had enough and its not about revenge, its about saving your life....I had a physically abusive EX alcoholic husband and when he got physical, I was outta there......so so sorry you are being treated this way, but there is help for you if you reach out for it......HUGS of support.......
-- Edited by mamalioness on Sunday 6th of August 2017 11:47:05 PM
mamalioness said
Aug 6, 2017
Good you have parents willing and able to help...you say "if I just get completely fed up" how bad does he have to beat you for you to get fed up???? I know, its tough when you are a stay at home mom, but what will it do to those kids, if he goes off on you and kills you?? and trust me, it happens all the time....I can't tell you what to do but being in Al-anon for nearly 14 years now, I know how it usually goes....an abuser gets worse and worse until the victim leaves or is so badly beaten that he goes to jail, OR he murders the victim........I can't tell you what to do..this is your life, your lesson, your issue to deal with, but I am very concerned for you and the children....thank goodness you have good parents who are willing to help........Please keep working on you and establishing a relationship with you...those little kids need a mom------a LIVING one.......as to him seeing the kids??? i would get the court to order supervised and NO drinking when visiting the children....they are most likely already traumatized by him ...They don't need any more trauma...trust me..I grew up with this hell and it impacted me and my siblings for life....
Iamhere said
Aug 7, 2017
ITRL - good for you that you've got a plan B and then some. I remember feeling stuck in my situation and feeling overwhelmed as my mind went from ... I can't stand this anymore to I have to get out of here to I have no means to do so and .... feeling defeated! The lovely people that came before me suggested I simply live one day at a time, make a plan that works for me and trust the process for my decision making.
As my sanity returned, I realized I was a valued person, I could make plans, I could save money and if/when I needed to leave, it would be OK. Just having alternative thoughts helped me breathe and work on my recovery which in turn helped me heal/deal from the insanity of the disease.
Keep coming back - you are worth it.
a4l said
Aug 7, 2017
I couldn't leave until I got dragged right down to the point of I can't stay. I still didn't want to leave but leave I did.
Best thing I ever did.
I'm happy, kids are happy, and he and I get along great.
Sometimes the hardest part is staying in the moment.
Take care!
Junenine said
Aug 7, 2017
i love how you put that, a4l - so echoes my feelings. and glad to know it worked out so well for you.
Jerry F said
Aug 7, 2017
Yes for alcoholism thisis the reallife which is insane when I looked at my role and part in it which like you was what I had to change and ...change I did. I am in support of what you are doing and hoping and praying you continue to do it until you learn the recovery we have learned. You are gentle with him...as a behavioral health therapist working with families I would have had him behind bars reading an AA "Big Book". Get Al-Anon Literature and start reading about our program of recovery which has save so very many of us from the terror of the disease. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
andromeda said
Aug 8, 2017
I was financially dependent on my XAH. I understand and I took my time leaving. I knew he wasn't going to change but he also wasn't violent. I would put $20 away here and there. I built up my credit by getting a card in my name only and opened up my own checking account. It took me 3 years before I left and all I did was focus on program, focused on my son, and I kept taking small steps toward independence.
What I suggest is that you focus on getting some work skills. Take an online course that may help you find a job in the future. Research ways to make money at home. Start paying off debt, etc You're doing the right things.
Hugs to you! I know where you are at. It sounds like me a few years ago. But, here's the thing: You truly don't know what the future may hold. 2.5 years ago I was living with my son in a rental home, having just left my XAH and in the middle of a disastrous divorce proceeding. Today, I am with a new man who makes me laugh every day. I started a new career and now am a Financial Advisor. I have spent the last year studying, testing, moving forward with my career advancements, etc. I'm not making a huge amount of money but I feel hopeful for my future.
Keep working a good recovery program and stay in the moment as a4l said above!
(((Isthisreallife))) i'm so sorry you find yourself in this painful situation. documenting everything seems to me like a good idea. the most important thing though is that you and your children are safe... i've seen people advise packing a bag in case you have to make a quick exit for your own safety. and calling domestic violence hotlines will give you more info. sending big hugs.
I have found the best way to work the program is to get a sponsor and start working the steps. Working the program has restored much of my sanity and serenity so that I could live my life more peacefully and without fear of physical harm.
I'm glad you're here - keep coming back.
In many states, it can be arranged for someone to be routinely tested prior to taking the children. ... I remember my daughter and I being on our own most of the time... with my planning and worry with joint custody, ironically and sadly, he was too steeped in his disease and had no interest in seeing her.
Hi is this: so glad you are here, and this guy is dangerous...he has crossed a line getting physical...GOOD JOB---getting documentation and evidence....what I would do is pack a duffel bag of your important papers, THE EVIDENCE and stuff you would need if you had to run out of the house in a hurry....I would find out wehre the nearest domestic violence shelter is and THEY , often, know of attorneys and other sources of help for you...he has to meet his obligations of support for you and the kids..and with that evidence?? You can put a restraining order on him, NOT to come around the children when drinking, supervised visitations with the kids and he has to be sober.....but if he SAID, he is not going to stop drinking that is your sign....Life with him, drinking will only get worse...the abuse usually escalates ...He could seriously harm you or even kill you....when they start the physical stuff, it only gets worse...sorry to say that but research has shown that abusers usually get worse because they are getting away with it....only when they get slammed with a night in jail and legal troubles MAYBE they will get into recovery??? don't count on it...count on you and AL-anon, face to face meetings where the more experienced folks can guide you on protecting you...but there is help for a mom with minor kids....but you have to make the decison that you've had enough and its not about revenge, its about saving your life....I had a physically abusive EX alcoholic husband and when he got physical, I was outta there......so so sorry you are being treated this way, but there is help for you if you reach out for it......HUGS of support.......
-- Edited by mamalioness on Sunday 6th of August 2017 11:47:05 PM
Good you have parents willing and able to help...you say "if I just get completely fed up" how bad does he have to beat you for you to get fed up???? I know, its tough when you are a stay at home mom, but what will it do to those kids, if he goes off on you and kills you?? and trust me, it happens all the time....I can't tell you what to do but being in Al-anon for nearly 14 years now, I know how it usually goes....an abuser gets worse and worse until the victim leaves or is so badly beaten that he goes to jail, OR he murders the victim........I can't tell you what to do..this is your life, your lesson, your issue to deal with, but I am very concerned for you and the children....thank goodness you have good parents who are willing to help........Please keep working on you and establishing a relationship with you...those little kids need a mom------a LIVING one.......as to him seeing the kids??? i would get the court to order supervised and NO drinking when visiting the children....they are most likely already traumatized by him ...They don't need any more trauma...trust me..I grew up with this hell and it impacted me and my siblings for life....
As my sanity returned, I realized I was a valued person, I could make plans, I could save money and if/when I needed to leave, it would be OK. Just having alternative thoughts helped me breathe and work on my recovery which in turn helped me heal/deal from the insanity of the disease.
Keep coming back - you are worth it.
i love how you put that, a4l - so echoes my feelings. and glad to know it worked out so well for you.
Yes for alcoholism thisis the reallife which is insane when I looked at my role and part in it which like you was what I had to change and ...change I did. I am in support of what you are doing and hoping and praying you continue to do it until you learn the recovery we have learned. You are gentle with him...as a behavioral health therapist working with families I would have had him behind bars reading an AA "Big Book". Get Al-Anon Literature and start reading about our program of recovery which has save so very many of us from the terror of the disease. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
What I suggest is that you focus on getting some work skills. Take an online course that may help you find a job in the future. Research ways to make money at home. Start paying off debt, etc You're doing the right things.
Hugs to you! I know where you are at. It sounds like me a few years ago. But, here's the thing: You truly don't know what the future may hold. 2.5 years ago I was living with my son in a rental home, having just left my XAH and in the middle of a disastrous divorce proceeding. Today, I am with a new man who makes me laugh every day. I started a new career and now am a Financial Advisor. I have spent the last year studying, testing, moving forward with my career advancements, etc. I'm not making a huge amount of money but I feel hopeful for my future.
Keep working a good recovery program and stay in the moment as a4l said above!