I can not believe how amazingly well this programme works when we let it. This morning I did something I didn't want to do, was anxious about doing but was able to do by concentrating on principles over personalities.
My immediate foo system is immensely alcoholically complicated and every variation of the cruelty of the disease can be found within it. Most particularly on the untreated alanoner side. Nine years ago, I made the heartbreaking decision to walk away from the two children I had raised as a single mother for seven and five years respectively. I had endured repeated and insane legal abuse by not just my former partner but my own biological sister, who stalked me through the university I attended where she worked part time and would show up in my lectures, enrol in some of my papers, ( I was first year, she was fourth), and on occasion also bring my ex partner who also would be enrolled conveniently in my tutorials. It was sick, nasty and stressful and I was living in constant fear of losing my babies. Those boys were my heart, soul and life.
Anyway, the stalking only stopped when said sister followed me to the islands, actually walked into my house claiming she had rights to it and I physically punched her. I'm not proud of that but I don't regret it either. I have another sister who follows in little sisters shadow, they are united in their hate for me, based on old drunk decisions made by our parents. See how toxic this disease is? How much it affects multiple lives? My sons and I have not seen each other for almost nine years. So the fourth generation is affected having done nothing but be born.
Today, i telephoned one sister to inform her of family matters and request her email address. I did not want to do it, I was very anxious, but I focused on the principle of what I'm trying to achieve and I have great support emotionally from some cousins who always were more like siblings to me. And guess what? Afterwards, I felt happy, not because of any emotional attachment to my blood sister-- there can never be that--but because doing the right thing for no other reason other than its the right thing is an amazing feeling!
Long share I know, but for the first time, I can do so without hurting.
Thank you Alanon and MIP!
hotrod said
Aug 4, 2017
((A41)) Lovely awareness and share. Thank you
Jerry F said
Aug 4, 2017
I wonder if I would have the strength to do that...that is very strong and trusting of HP and the program. It seems to me that we only get that which we can handle. ((((hugs))))
My kids were taken from me by the courts who said that "we do not recognize a man as a custodial parent" so they gave the addict custody and I walked into hell. Years later one of her group of addicts verbalized an amends and then it is what it is...arrrrrgh.
a4l said
Aug 4, 2017
Oh I've heard many pearlers from many people of both sexes handed down in courts. Judges too are human and affected by the things us ordainary citizens are, like this dreadful disease of distorted thinking.
Im sorry for your loss Jerry F. I know how that hurts. Putting God on notice repeatedly for everything that's out of my hands has been the only place I've found peace. That, and giving to others of food, kindness, a place to rest, and asking all the angels to carry those actions to my sons where I can not. I have great faith in life itself and with this programme I'm walking around in clear light, not just stumbling about hoping for the best. It is such a powerful and wonderful fellowship we are part of.
Iamhere said
Aug 5, 2017
Lovely share girl - keep working it as it looks so, so good on you!!!
bud said
Aug 5, 2017
Thank you for sharing a post that reflects the beauty of your program. Your story resonates, as my sister has always resented my being born and in her mental instability, has acted on it in harsh ways over the years. Recently, a mutual friend passed after a long battle with cancer, and my sister and I were in touch on the phone. So greatful for the slogan principles over personalities! I knew she was hurting as much as I and I saw that we both were trying to do the next right thing. It felt so good!
a4l said
Aug 5, 2017
Thanks Bud, its really helpful to know one is not alone in the stuff and feelings they have experienced. You know how yuck those feelings can be when one is still going through them. It gives me gratitude for the small moments like the ones we both shared. I must still work on not having expectations and letting go of results, and trust my HP that whatever eventuates holds a seed of learning. Sometimes I just feel so tired of being a student lol! Love to you all and my thanks to be on this recovery journey with everyone here.
mamalioness said
Aug 6, 2017
Well I guess its my turn, in the wake of my beloved sister's death, I have , of course, the 2 addicts---drugs and alcohol whom I haven't spoken to in eons, not even the nice one who is alcoholic and whom I have not quite given up on, but I keep him at a distance, like no visits until he goes into AA and is clean for a few YEARS...anyway, there is one I never mentioned to you all ever and its because the darkness is so great, I COULDN"T mention him...I didn't want that darkness to somehow attach itself to me which my sane head says it cannot...
anyway, some time ago, I was told by a very trusted and reliable source that this older brother hates me soo much for coming forward about the abuse and "outing" the offender in recovery rooms and then changing my last name so as to erase him from me.......he told my source how he fantasizes about cutting off certain parts of my body and watching me bleed and suffer before he finishes me off....
maybe I did say something on a post about boundaries and how a few years ago, he was to drive to CA to see my sister and through TX he was coming...but i dont' think I gave you all the WHY I will defend if he ever showed up at my door....he had mentioned to her that he wanted to stop by and see me....well of course, I told her under no circumstances (I did not tell her why, she was already stage 4 cancer and I did not want to freak her out with this kind of news) so i just told her to tell him, that he is unwelcome and under NO circumstances is he to come to my house..if he does, i will take that as a direct threat and I will defend me with deadly force if necessary...I called the police who most of them know me because I am a co-captain of our neighborhood watch, so I told them the story and how he had threatened me etc., and can I shoot if he tries to get in my house?? we have a stand your ground law here, where we can use deadly force if threatened, but I wanted to know EXACTLY what the rules were because I am DONE with being frightened, a victim, NO!! I am not gonna be a victim...., yes, call 911 , grab my gun and if he tried to break in, and did, I could shoot so I thanked the police , gave them an estimate when he would be driving through our area and would they do drive bys and they said "sure-we will"and, when i had a "sorta when" hes coming, they did drive by the house...
now my siser has passed...and now the 2 younger ones are MIA, drugging and drinking because no one knows where they are, neither one of them checks in with their friends, etc., so I am thinking --OK...doubtful he is going to want to speak to me...and I do not want any contact with him, whatsoever...IF I could find a way to her service , which really, I can't afford to go.. and maybe its for the best because I wouldn't want to risk anything bad happening if he were to show up, which most likely he will......but yea, I cut him out of my life back when he threatened me, and he was executor of the offender's estate and was going to "hold up" my check and I told my sister and my brother who speaks with him that that was illegal and I would contact a lawyer and sue him, if he didn't follow the fiduciary laws of being an executor of the estate....He cannot "Play with" the legal heirs shares of the estate, that is illegal...
anyway, I am thinking how sick this individual must be to want to do hideous harm to me when all I did was get into recovery to save my mind and my sanity...what kind of mind comes up with the stuff that he threatened??? I can't hate him because he is so pathetic and so surrounded by darkness, all I can do is say "but for the grace of Creator, that could be me, thinking awful thoughts like that" and I am GRATEFUL for the program because really??? i see him as a very very toxic person, whom I never ever would want contact of any kind with and not worth the energy it takes from me to hate him and what would hating him do?? what purpose would hating him serve??? None!!! the hate only poisons the giver...not the receiver....I don't feel threatened because he does not know exactly where I live, if he even knows what town, and also I have good neighbors who watch over my house and I am capable of defending....
I just have to accept it is what it is...essentially I have no siblings left....i have my BFF who is like a sister,...I have an adopted sister who took me home as a runaway to her mom and dad and THEY , I call parents, and SHE is very much a sister to me...and my beloved cousin with whom I grew up more as a sister then a cousin....so I give thanks for what I have in the GOOD people and cut loose the bad ones...and there are BAD people...don't know why folks hesitate to call a spade a spade, but there are, IMO, BAD spirited people...just dark souls and i thank Creator EVERY DAY that I am not a vessel of the darkness....I am a good spirit...troubled?? codependent??? control freak??? oh yea....all of the above and more, but my SOUL is good......and I am gr8ful for that....this man never according to the research i have done into this sicko family, had never suffered the kind of abuse that I did, and I am not looking at this as a contest, who got abused the worst, etc., I am just saying that he did have his issues with the father, but he was loved by the mother...I was unwanted and abused by her and later abused in a worse way by him.....
you know whats weird?? he married a girl who was attacked by her father and she made the god awful mistake of telling him, and he attacked and abused her and put her down because she had fears and triggers, and oh he was a monster to her...she finally divorced him and did pretty good in her divorce case against him because she proved spousal abuse and mental cruelty, etc and she and I stayed friends because she was an ok gal and her twin sister and I were very close, but yea, she suffered the same evil that I did and that brother treated her like crap....so that is where he is and that is what he is and it is not compatible with my walk so I shall stay away from him, never contact him for any reason....We all have mineral rights in OK property in some county, and every now and again, questions crop up about it and he was going to Jane about his questions...Now shes gone....He will have to work it out himself because I am NOT available...
so yea, you guys are not alone...Just because it is blood,doesn't mean it is healthy or safe to be around....some folks are just NOT suitable to be around if I want to continue to recover....I dont' wish him ill...he views his life from the bottom of a beer bottle, making bad karma, and I am stepping out of the way as I always have done and let him self destruct....what I do to my brother (or sister in my case) I bring to myself....I just give him over to karma and stay away.....so essentially with her death, so went my family....the alcoholic is getting worse with his binges...I love him but cannot help him, if he does not want to help himself an even then, recovery is a personal thing, the best I could do is maybe work the steps with him, guide him with the literature etc, but he has said he does NOT want AA or recovery....so for me?? that means case closed....I still have a sliver of hope that maybe he will get busted again for DUI and be forced into AA again....but ya know??? I have my own life, my own recovery and my boundaries and I am sticking with me...and this program.....
it feels bad knowing that for all intents and purposes I have no more siblings...So I am gonna love the ones I am with....the ones who are SAFE to be with...the ones who walk a loving and positive walk....and yea, it hurts to know that a "bio sibling" wants to carve me up and watch me suffer and beg to die, but that is his karma to pay...Not mine....
-- Edited by mamalioness on Sunday 6th of August 2017 01:25:36 AM
tiredtonite said
Aug 6, 2017
A wonderful reminder that we can choose to be led by our recovery rather than our past. Thank you for sharing (((a1))) TT
I wonder if I would have the strength to do that...that is very strong and trusting of HP and the program. It seems to me that we only get that which we can handle. ((((hugs))))
My kids were taken from me by the courts who said that "we do not recognize a man as a custodial parent" so they gave the addict custody and I walked into hell. Years later one of her group of addicts verbalized an amends and then it is what it is...arrrrrgh.
Well I guess its my turn, in the wake of my beloved sister's death, I have , of course, the 2 addicts---drugs and alcohol whom I haven't spoken to in eons, not even the nice one who is alcoholic and whom I have not quite given up on, but I keep him at a distance, like no visits until he goes into AA and is clean for a few YEARS...anyway, there is one I never mentioned to you all ever and its because the darkness is so great, I COULDN"T mention him...I didn't want that darkness to somehow attach itself to me which my sane head says it cannot...
anyway, some time ago, I was told by a very trusted and reliable source that this older brother hates me soo much for coming forward about the abuse and "outing" the offender in recovery rooms and then changing my last name so as to erase him from me.......he told my source how he fantasizes about cutting off certain parts of my body and watching me bleed and suffer before he finishes me off....
maybe I did say something on a post about boundaries and how a few years ago, he was to drive to CA to see my sister and through TX he was coming...but i dont' think I gave you all the WHY I will defend if he ever showed up at my door....he had mentioned to her that he wanted to stop by and see me....well of course, I told her under no circumstances (I did not tell her why, she was already stage 4 cancer and I did not want to freak her out with this kind of news) so i just told her to tell him, that he is unwelcome and under NO circumstances is he to come to my house..if he does, i will take that as a direct threat and I will defend me with deadly force if necessary...I called the police who most of them know me because I am a co-captain of our neighborhood watch, so I told them the story and how he had threatened me etc., and can I shoot if he tries to get in my house?? we have a stand your ground law here, where we can use deadly force if threatened, but I wanted to know EXACTLY what the rules were because I am DONE with being frightened, a victim, NO!! I am not gonna be a victim...., yes, call 911 , grab my gun and if he tried to break in, and did, I could shoot so I thanked the police , gave them an estimate when he would be driving through our area and would they do drive bys and they said "sure-we will"and, when i had a "sorta when" hes coming, they did drive by the house...
now my siser has passed...and now the 2 younger ones are MIA, drugging and drinking because no one knows where they are, neither one of them checks in with their friends, etc., so I am thinking --OK...doubtful he is going to want to speak to me...and I do not want any contact with him, whatsoever...IF I could find a way to her service , which really, I can't afford to go.. and maybe its for the best because I wouldn't want to risk anything bad happening if he were to show up, which most likely he will......but yea, I cut him out of my life back when he threatened me, and he was executor of the offender's estate and was going to "hold up" my check and I told my sister and my brother who speaks with him that that was illegal and I would contact a lawyer and sue him, if he didn't follow the fiduciary laws of being an executor of the estate....He cannot "Play with" the legal heirs shares of the estate, that is illegal...
anyway, I am thinking how sick this individual must be to want to do hideous harm to me when all I did was get into recovery to save my mind and my sanity...what kind of mind comes up with the stuff that he threatened??? I can't hate him because he is so pathetic and so surrounded by darkness, all I can do is say "but for the grace of Creator, that could be me, thinking awful thoughts like that" and I am GRATEFUL for the program because really??? i see him as a very very toxic person, whom I never ever would want contact of any kind with and not worth the energy it takes from me to hate him and what would hating him do?? what purpose would hating him serve??? None!!! the hate only poisons the giver...not the receiver....I don't feel threatened because he does not know exactly where I live, if he even knows what town, and also I have good neighbors who watch over my house and I am capable of defending....
I just have to accept it is what it is...essentially I have no siblings left....i have my BFF who is like a sister,...I have an adopted sister who took me home as a runaway to her mom and dad and THEY , I call parents, and SHE is very much a sister to me...and my beloved cousin with whom I grew up more as a sister then a cousin....so I give thanks for what I have in the GOOD people and cut loose the bad ones...and there are BAD people...don't know why folks hesitate to call a spade a spade, but there are, IMO, BAD spirited people...just dark souls and i thank Creator EVERY DAY that I am not a vessel of the darkness....I am a good spirit...troubled?? codependent??? control freak??? oh yea....all of the above and more, but my SOUL is good......and I am gr8ful for that....this man never according to the research i have done into this sicko family, had never suffered the kind of abuse that I did, and I am not looking at this as a contest, who got abused the worst, etc., I am just saying that he did have his issues with the father, but he was loved by the mother...I was unwanted and abused by her and later abused in a worse way by him.....
you know whats weird?? he married a girl who was attacked by her father and she made the god awful mistake of telling him, and he attacked and abused her and put her down because she had fears and triggers, and oh he was a monster to her...she finally divorced him and did pretty good in her divorce case against him because she proved spousal abuse and mental cruelty, etc and she and I stayed friends because she was an ok gal and her twin sister and I were very close, but yea, she suffered the same evil that I did and that brother treated her like crap....so that is where he is and that is what he is and it is not compatible with my walk so I shall stay away from him, never contact him for any reason....We all have mineral rights in OK property in some county, and every now and again, questions crop up about it and he was going to Jane about his questions...Now shes gone....He will have to work it out himself because I am NOT available...
so yea, you guys are not alone...Just because it is blood,doesn't mean it is healthy or safe to be around....some folks are just NOT suitable to be around if I want to continue to recover....I dont' wish him ill...he views his life from the bottom of a beer bottle, making bad karma, and I am stepping out of the way as I always have done and let him self destruct....what I do to my brother (or sister in my case) I bring to myself....I just give him over to karma and stay away.....so essentially with her death, so went my family....the alcoholic is getting worse with his binges...I love him but cannot help him, if he does not want to help himself an even then, recovery is a personal thing, the best I could do is maybe work the steps with him, guide him with the literature etc, but he has said he does NOT want AA or recovery....so for me?? that means case closed....I still have a sliver of hope that maybe he will get busted again for DUI and be forced into AA again....but ya know??? I have my own life, my own recovery and my boundaries and I am sticking with me...and this program.....
it feels bad knowing that for all intents and purposes I have no more siblings...So I am gonna love the ones I am with....the ones who are SAFE to be with...the ones who walk a loving and positive walk....and yea, it hurts to know that a "bio sibling" wants to carve me up and watch me suffer and beg to die, but that is his karma to pay...Not mine....
-- Edited by mamalioness on Sunday 6th of August 2017 01:25:36 AM
A wonderful reminder that we can choose to be led by our recovery rather than our past. Thank you for sharing (((a1))) TT