Today I told my AH that the boys and I are not coming home this weekend. I could use some time to myself, to catch up on some cleaning and errands and also self care kind of stuff, yoga, reading etc....I continue to live an hour away from our home during the work week and go home on the weekends. The move and new schedule has been a big change, one that I accepted fairly quickly with grace, dignity and very little stress. I continue to take the one day at a time approach to my life situations and it's working very well for me. My AH feels sad we won't be home this weekend. I have my peace and serenity but I also feel uncomfortable, uneasy and also guilty to be putting my needs first. I haven't had these types of feelings for some time now. So for this moment, I'm allowing my feelings to be and am being accepting that old habits die hard.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 4, 2017
New norms are not comfortable they aren't designed to be. Good for you .. I need a time out and i have learned to ask for what I need .. enjoy your peace. ;)
el-cee said
Aug 4, 2017
Hi Bunny, thanks for sharing your example of getting to acceptance. It sounds like the shift away from those old habits of putting others first and people pleasing are getting less and less. When I think of how super sensitive I was to the feelings of my ex, wow. His walk down stairs in the morning determined the mood of the whole family. The power this man had, that I gave to him!!!
I think it comes from the idea that feelings are either good or bad when in fact they just are and are often very necessary for all of us. Disappointment, frustration, not getting what we want or expect are facts of life and for me I am aiming for a level of emotional sobriety and I believe you are too where acceptance is the key to alleviate the build up of these feelings or the distortion of them. Allowing them to pass without judgement as good or bad, not giving them power in the sense that we react to them when the response can be silence and doing nothing.
Your recovery journey is a great example for me, so thank you.x
Iamhere said
Aug 4, 2017
(((Bunny))) - for most of my life, change for me was hard, frightening and I resisted. Even when I 'thought' it was a good move, there was discomfort. I do believe that good, bad or indifferent, we get used to routines and when they are disrupted, it just throws us off a bit....
I have also had to work real hard on 'shades of gray' thinking as I was very right/wrong before I arrived. I (distorted) used to think that decisions and choices were that way - right/wrong or good/bad. A very wise person who was able to keep things much simpler than I in early recovery suggested that when we are working on a spiritual program, it's different. Our choices are typically good/better or good/good....this truly gave me cause for pause. This same person also suggested that when I am working a spiritual program, and make a choice or decision and I'm not happy about it later, that I am free to make another choice!!
Way more easy to break down in my complicated mind than how I did things. I also found self-care to be a foreign concept as it was not a part of me prior to recovery. It felt really awkward to put myself in front of others because it was 'not my norm'. It does get easier with practice and you're not alone with that discontent!
(((Hugs))) - sending you tons of support and hope for a lovely evening! Thanks for your share and I do see the program working within you - you're wearing it perfectly!
mamalioness said
Aug 5, 2017
Hi Carrie....why is it that we codependents have to feel guilty for putting our needs first???? for me?? it was i was forced as a child to have NO needs and to satisfy the needs of the parents, older siblings,etc...so I "learned" that to put my needs first meant I was a selfish witch....NOT!!! it is healthy....putting my needs first keeps me out of resentment mode.....putting my needs first enables me to give and do with JOY and out of my HEART, with no expectation of a return because I checked my motives for giving.....if you went home , putting your needs for peace and quiet aside, trust me, it would not work...you would be resentful, feeling used and whose responsible for that??? Him??? Nope!!! its on you this time because you cast your needs aside for another, knowing that it was wrong......I am glad you decided to stay at the other place and put your self care first....hes not gonna die...he is a big boy and can take care of himself.......and yea, old habits die hard...Old patterns fight to stay and vex us, but we CAN change.....you did GREAT!!! pat yourself on the back....feeling bad and still standing to your truth, now THAT is progress.....give yourself a treat for taking care of you, even when tempted to fall back into teh old people pleasing trap...........NICE share!!!!
-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 5th of August 2017 12:46:08 AM
Today I told my AH that the boys and I are not coming home this weekend. I could use some time to myself, to catch up on some cleaning and errands and also self care kind of stuff, yoga, reading etc....I continue to live an hour away from our home during the work week and go home on the weekends. The move and new schedule has been a big change, one that I accepted fairly quickly with grace, dignity and very little stress. I continue to take the one day at a time approach to my life situations and it's working very well for me. My AH feels sad we won't be home this weekend. I have my peace and serenity but I also feel uncomfortable, uneasy and also guilty to be putting my needs first. I haven't had these types of feelings for some time now. So for this moment, I'm allowing my feelings to be and am being accepting that old habits die hard.
Hi Bunny, thanks for sharing your example of getting to acceptance. It sounds like the shift away from those old habits of putting others first and people pleasing are getting less and less. When I think of how super sensitive I was to the feelings of my ex, wow. His walk down stairs in the morning determined the mood of the whole family. The power this man had, that I gave to him!!!
I think it comes from the idea that feelings are either good or bad when in fact they just are and are often very necessary for all of us. Disappointment, frustration, not getting what we want or expect are facts of life and for me I am aiming for a level of emotional sobriety and I believe you are too where acceptance is the key to alleviate the build up of these feelings or the distortion of them. Allowing them to pass without judgement as good or bad, not giving them power in the sense that we react to them when the response can be silence and doing nothing.
Your recovery journey is a great example for me, so thank you.x
I have also had to work real hard on 'shades of gray' thinking as I was very right/wrong before I arrived. I (distorted) used to think that decisions and choices were that way - right/wrong or good/bad. A very wise person who was able to keep things much simpler than I in early recovery suggested that when we are working on a spiritual program, it's different. Our choices are typically good/better or good/good....this truly gave me cause for pause. This same person also suggested that when I am working a spiritual program, and make a choice or decision and I'm not happy about it later, that I am free to make another choice!!
Way more easy to break down in my complicated mind than how I did things. I also found self-care to be a foreign concept as it was not a part of me prior to recovery. It felt really awkward to put myself in front of others because it was 'not my norm'. It does get easier with practice and you're not alone with that discontent!
(((Hugs))) - sending you tons of support and hope for a lovely evening! Thanks for your share and I do see the program working within you - you're wearing it perfectly!
Hi Carrie....why is it that we codependents have to feel guilty for putting our needs first???? for me?? it was i was forced as a child to have NO needs and to satisfy the needs of the parents, older siblings,etc...so I "learned" that to put my needs first meant I was a selfish witch....NOT!!! it is healthy....putting my needs first keeps me out of resentment mode.....putting my needs first enables me to give and do with JOY and out of my HEART, with no expectation of a return because I checked my motives for giving.....if you went home , putting your needs for peace and quiet aside, trust me, it would not work...you would be resentful, feeling used and whose responsible for that??? Him??? Nope!!! its on you this time because you cast your needs aside for another, knowing that it was wrong......I am glad you decided to stay at the other place and put your self care first....hes not gonna die...he is a big boy and can take care of himself.......and yea, old habits die hard...Old patterns fight to stay and vex us, but we CAN change.....you did GREAT!!! pat yourself on the back....feeling bad and still standing to your truth, now THAT is progress.....give yourself a treat for taking care of you, even when tempted to fall back into teh old people pleasing trap...........NICE share!!!!
-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 5th of August 2017 12:46:08 AM