I don't know what is going on with my husband. I don't know if his decisions are due to his alcoholism, some form of ADHD or Narcissism, but I am on the verge of a breakdown with his actions.

I'll start by saying the only reason I find anything out is because I snoop on my husband's online bank account, our phone records, his Facebook messages, his email account. He gave me his bank password because he wanted me to online deposit his check, I have full access to our phone records, I know his email password because it's the same one we use to log into our X-box, and the Facebook password I figured out on my own.

He has no money except for what he brings home each paycheck. No savings, not even a 401k because he can't be bothered to look into anything like that.  Rather than help me pay for his share of the bills and mortgage, which he always says he's going to get me some money "after his account settles" from all his own bills and I never see it, he has no problem spending $60 each paycheck on pot, going to a bar and running up a huge tab and buying people drinks. The things he has done in the past week leave me speechless.

Last week he told the daughter of a friend of his who died a few years ago that he'd like to buy the speakers of his that she wanted to get rid of. I saw all this on his Facebook messages to her. He asked her how much they were and she said she'd like to sell them for $800 and he said he couldn't afford it. Then she said she'd take $500 from him to which he said he could do. Not sure how since he can't even help with bills! He keeps telling me he's going to meet her to just look at them and help price them out so she can get a good price and has no intention of buying them. Turns around and tells her that he'll meet up with her for a drink and give her some money. Well he totally forgets about their meeting and leaves her sitting at the bar until she calls and asks where he is. They make plans to meet a few days later. He keeps telling me that she keeps bugging him about money for them and he tells me that he's just going down to look at them. He ends up taking his motorcycle down to meet her, I see he took $250 out of his account to give to her. Didn't even look at the speakers. Probably won't ever pick up the speakers but will give her another $250 for them.Yet he STILL tells me he never gave her any money.

A few nights later he sent a message to a totally different person. This person is the wife of yet another friend who died a couple of years ago. This friend was someone he went to high school with and literally hadn't seen him at all after that, but kept telling me what great friends they were. So now the wife (who H has never talked to other than on Facebook) had posted some pictures of a guitar that was her husband's that she wanted to sell. H tells her that if she'll hang onto it until Sept or Oct that he'll give her $600 for it and pay for shipping (from FL to WA!)! I am so angry right now but I can't say anything because then he'll know I've been snooping! Oh but she says that the money will be a blessing! Of course, H is playing the martyr by helping out the less fortunate again because I don't think she works! $500 for speakers and $600 for a guitar, which he already has 4 of and can't play that well. He could have paid me his share of the mortgage instead seeing as how he hasn't paid his share of that for the past two months! Then when we go out he makes a big deal about how he bought dinner so I should buy drinks. Oh really! Gee you don't see me ever saying, "Well I paid the $1200 mortgage on my own the last two months, not to mention every bill we share, maybe you could buy the drinks".

 And god forbid I get angry at him for what he's doing because "they belonged to his good friend and how could I deny him that"?! I'd be a horrible person! And he'll say that he's doing a good deed by helping his friend's daughter and the other friend's wife. You know, each of these people are in their 30s and 40s. You DON'T need to be helping them!

Then last night he tells me"Oh by the way, (his 19 yr old daughter)  is coming up on the 15th so you'll have to pick her up at the train station because I'll be going to the concert with my coworker right after work". Great! I love it when I basically get ordered to do something with or for his daughter. He hasn't even told her that he's not going to be around that night! He asked her to come up for a concert, just happened to be the night after this other concert, and he hasn't seen her for 10 months but isn't going to be around that night at all anyways. Nor has he verified that her friend is coming with because I said to him "Well is she coming by herself then if she's taking the train?" He pauses and goes "Well I haven't heard any differently that her friend ISN'T coming". 

Then HE brought up out of nowhere last week that this Foreigner cover band with a guy he knows is playing a free concert up at the casino that is 10 minutes away and said that we could go to that. Same place we went to see the Journey cover band a month ago. I ask him on Monday if he still wants to go and he says yes. I send him a message on Wednesday asking if he's going to take off work a little early so he doesn't have to rush home to go to the band and he says yes. I ask him last night after he gets home if he is leaving early today and he goes "I don't know. Why?" Um, the band that we've been talking about for the past week!!! He literally answers me like he never told me yes earlier with "Oh I don't want to go to that. I don't like that whole casino scene". Why do I get my hopes up to do ANYTHING with him! Even when he comes up with the idea, a few days later it's like he never said it!

I am losing my mind over the things he is doing!! The lies, making plans and getting my hopes up and then deciding not to do them or never making plans with his daughter and then telling me I have to do something because he won't be around but she's free to come up whenever she wants and stay as long as she wants even though I'm the one who has to deal with her most of the time because he's working or whatever.

No I haven't gone to any meetings. I just wallow in my own unhappiness, I guess. But what is going to a meeting going to do when it is HIS behavior that is driving me crazy? I can't separate myself from that. If he tells me we are going to do something, I can't believe him. I can't ever get excited about doing something, because 9 times out of ten he won't end up doing it.

Hi Mapper,

Honestly, when I read your post I thought it was your first one. I see you have posted prior to this so I'm sure someone suggested getting to face to face Alanon along with coming here. Listen... I hear your frustration loud and clear but please try to keep in mind that your husband's mind is not a rational one because it flooded with alcohol. My ex would have such clear thinking at times I tricked myself into believing I could expect him to keep plans and his word. Although some of the times he lied to me we both knew he had, there were other times he had no recall due to his disease. 

I had a "hero" in the house too. And no, I'm not talking about myself as an Alanon trying to save him from himself although that was true too. I'm talking about the husband who always found time to save the day for others while I was left on the sidelines to watch it. And ya know what, I let him know about it every time. I did deserve more. You do too. But we call this "Going to the hardware store for bread" in Alanon. You just aren't going to get what you came for if you go there. You might say why not he has it to give to other people who don't even know him who don't love him like his family does. At least that is what I use to say to myself. It just didn't make sense. It makes more sense to me today. I think my ex got a lot of mileage from other people that didn't know him well helping him to feel like a "good guy" when inwardly he didn't feel like that about himself. Ya know they didn't live with him 24/7 in an insane household. He just may have needed those ego boosts to believe he wasn't such a "bad guy" after all. My ex had no self love. 

I wished I'd found Alanon sooner. I'm sure I would have still felt the sting of abandonment by him (his disease) but if I knew more about alcoholism and how it shows itself through some pretty irrational behaviors, I likely would not have taken it as personally or felt as lonely due to having lots of in person support and comfort from others in the program. I would have made more of my own plans rather than waiting for my ex to be the other half of a couple with me. It's just the nature of the disease of alcoholism - unpredictable.. sometimes they show up for us and sometimes they don't. The more I waited for him to be what I wanted him to be the more resentful I became. And you know what?  He didn't understand what I was so angry about it. Again.. alcoholism.  We're powerless over it but not over our ability to take care of ourselves while living with it, make plans and live our own lives to the fullest. I'm not saying the feelings of disappointment have gone away entirely for me today but the sting is nowhere near as intense when I use the Alanon tools and seek people in the rooms for support.  (((hugs)))  TT

Mapper, my heart goes out to you. So very much. I feel for all that you are going through, because I've been there. That said, there is so much in your post, I hesitate because I don't know where to start. You seem and sound like you are so focused and immersed with him. You are stuck looking at him, watching him, focusing on him, being angry at him, finding fault and blame with him, and so on. And, I get it. I was there. I did the same and more. Regardless, you are entrenched in him and everything about him -- what he says, does, where he goes, how he behaves, everything he does wrong, his intentions, his faults, and so on and so on. This, ultimately, is part of the problem -- your problem -- and at a certain point, our problem becomes a sickness. For me, my experience, when the same things were happening in my life, with my wife, I was talking, sounding, focusing, etc., just like you are now. I was so wrapped up in all of it, the day to day things she was doing, saying, and they became the sole focus on my day. They became my trials and tribulations. They became my drama, chaos, and turmoil. Look at your role in all of this, your contribution. You also sound so wrapped up in the anger and resentment for and around him, what he's doing, what he says, etc. My wife was not my problem. What she was doing was not my problem. It was my reactions to what she was doing that was my problem! It was that I allowed all of what she was doing to negatively impact me and consume me...that was my problem! I was the problem...and therefore I had to be the solution.

So, here is my perspective, and my experience, and what I learned...you are not losing your mind over the the things he is doing, the things he is saying, the lies, the behavior...no, you are not losing your mind over any of that. What you are losing your mind over is how you are letting all of those things impact you. There is a massive difference between the two, and they are completely separate and distinct. Why? Because he is going to do what he is going to do. Period. And there's nothing you can do about that. You can keep trying, but all of those efforts will fail. You cannot control the alcoholic and his/her drinking, you did not cause it, and you cannot cure it. Period. So, he will do what he will do, and there's nothing you can do about it. Separate and distinct from that -- if you allow those things to impact you, if you participate, contribute, play a role in all of that, then you will lose your mind. Your post says that you are -- and how you are reacting to all of those things is why you are losing your mind. NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES. If you do not change, if you do not make changes in your actions, reactions, behavior, thinking, etc. -- then none of this will change.

So what do you do? Focus on YOU. Work on YOU. Start doing the work. Go to face to face meetings, as many as you can. Think about going to meetings instead of going out for drinks with him. One thing I did -- my wife was an alcoholic -- and I made a decision, and set boundaries, and I did not buy her drinks. Anyway, back to meetings...Find a sponsor. Start doing the work for YOU to get better. That has nothing to do with whether or not he gets better. YOU. I am talking about YOU. Acceptance. Immerse yourself with your sponsor in acceptance. Enabling, learn, understand, look at your role in all of this and make change. Detachment, both emotional and physical, which will also help you make changes in your thinking and reactions.

Keep coming back.

Like others have said, I have been in similar states of mind in reaction to my partner's behaviors. In brief, I'll say this: he is living his life. You are reacting to his behavior. His behavior is impacting you. So now what? Over the past few years, I tried to detach... in my own home... I tried to remind myself "live and let live". I learned that when I tried to support him in terms of sobriety, it backfired. So I tried to step back. I certainly did not always succeed at stepping back, but I tried. But it affected me - I could feel my blood pressure rising, I could feel my tension, I could feel my anxiety about what would happen next. I could feel my judgment and my frustration that he wasn't behaving in ways I thought were healthy or functional. I knew what was good for him, and he would not cooperate!

In my case, the behavior escalated to the point where I decided I can't do it any more. I can't live with him. I am extremely sad, but I am claiming some space and peace for myself.

I have a friend in al-anon who is married to an active alcoholic. She decided to stay and she detaches and works her program and she is, for the most part, happy. She has an understanding with her husband and she's making it work for her. She came into program in distress; now she is content with her life. 

So... I understand that his behavior is driving you crazy. But what is within your power? If all you can change is yourself, and you're powerless to change his ways, then what? That is what this program is for.

Mapper, I feel for you...I really do. You haven't gone to any meetings, you say you just wallow in your own unhappiness (you guess), and you ask what is going to a meeting going to do when it is his behavior that is driving you crazy. Mapper, nothing changes if nothing changes. His behavior does not have to drive you crazy. Right now, you feel like you have no choice, like it will just drive you crazy and there's nothing you can do about it. But, you can. It is your choice. Right now, and you just can't see this...by doing nothing -- nothing for YOU -- you are allowing his behavior to drive you crazy. Nothing changes if nothing changes and the only think you can change is YOU. It is your choice. 

You can and should start going to meetings. Find a sponsor. And start doing the work to get better.

This is not about him and his behavior, what he does, says, where he goes, money, 401k, etc. -- this is about YOU. Start with YOU.

Keep coming back.

(((Mapper))) I'm so sorry to hear of this. I'm glad that he's (relatively) ok.

All I can think of to say is this: (1) I learned that I couldn't always tell when my partner was drinking. In fact, most often I had no idea. The secrecy and lies around alcohol and pills were massive. (2) Living with the kind of behavior you describe is incredibly stressful. I didn't even realize how stressed and tense I was until I went away for a couple days and stepped away from my regular life. Suddenly my chronic back pain that was with me for over a year - really bad - lifted. I'm sharing this because I know it's very lonely to live in a relationship with these issues. It's lonely and frustrating to be the sober, responsible, adult one, wishing for some capable and/or caring behavior to come in your direction. And even though it took me some time to warm up to the program of al-anon - as soon as I attended a meeting, I saw that the people in that room understood. They had been there. In all kinds of ways, with people they loved. I was overwhelmed and sad and scared, but I felt a little better to be around people who had been through all KINDS of difficulty and were working to improve their lives, their health, their relationships. I was sort of mystified but I felt a little lighter at the end of a meeting. It made me more compassionate for myself AND for him. It was a first step. (3) I also find great comfort and healing (and wisdom) in books. There are so many. They are not a substitute for meetings and action, but they can be a start to stepping back and reflecting on what is happening and what is possible.

Sending hugs and wishing you all the best.

So sorry this all is happening.  I do agree that my A got into a lot of trouble when he supposedly "wasn't drinking" - and it turned out he was.

But as for meetings.  The thing is that the whole syndrome of alcoholism distorts thought processes.  They think they're okay to drive (for example) because they don't realize how impaired they are.  And their weird thinking starts to infect everyone around them.  Pretty soon our own thinking is distorted and we don't even realize it.  Everyone gets sucked into the chaos.  Meetings help give us tools to get perspective and to cope with their crazy behavior.  To keep our balance when they're doing crazy things.  There are ways to cope with it that will change the whole dynamic.  I do urge you to try out a meeting.  The standard advice is to try 6 because they're all different.  They can make such a difference.  Hope you'll keep coming back here too.  Hugs!

Hi Mapper,

I get it. I "was you" until I FINALLY decided I was done. I had said it 10,000 time (to anyone who would listen)...thus to everyone else I was insane and he was the PERFECT man...great looking, always doing for others, always donating money (which was mostly mine)...and I bitched. Sorry for the bluntness, but that is what I did...year after year, to everyone who was within ears reach...but especially at him! That was me. I was so incredibly unhappy and so very lonely. He didn't care what I did and, since he wanted to look so good anyway, he never minded me buying extravagant jewelry and telling everyone who would listen that he had bought it..wasn't he so wonderful???

So, I looked insane...because I was insane and I finally got sick and tired of it. I won't go in to the whole story of his "bottom" (at least as far as I know) again because I have told it several times before. What I will go in to is that I couldn't live like that anymore.

So, now he is 28 months sober, has had several MAJOR promotions, but on Friday, when he got "the call" about an unexpected promotion which requires some serious changes in our lives, he asked for five minutes before he gave his decision, because he needed to call his wife, because he promised, and he did. He asked for my support and how I felt and I told him I love him and will always support him. He told me he could not do it without me. Then, he called the person back and accepted the position. Wow! If you had told me 3 years ago that he could ever care how I felt about anything, I would have said you were crazy...I didn't matter. It was only how it looked to others! Before even coming home (he traveled every week), he went to a meeting. He didn't share his "success" with anyone except his sponsor and last night his sponsor insisted he share it with the group and be proud of his accomplishments.

What I am saying is that you have to be sick of it enough to get out of his way and let him fall on his face. He will...of that you can be sure. You have to stop begging for his attention so that he can appreciate your worth. I'm not speaking literally here, but metaphorically. I do not accuse you of begging for anything. I did though, literally and I griped and complained and cried and yelled and whatever else you can imagine. I did it all. Nothing worked until I finally realized I had no, absolutely no, control over anything he did, said, wanted, didn't want, or anything else. They are addicted to alcohol and we are addicted to them, but the outside world just sees them as the good guys and us as the looney toons. I was the classic example of "if I had a wife like her, I would drink too). I felt hated by the world..and I think I was.

I have never been to a meeting with him because he doesn't want me there. It took a long time to loose the jealousy and to stop snooping. I promise you this...if you look hard enough, you will always find something. Of course, you may interpret it in a completely different way than it was intended, but you will find something.

It is hard work, but AlAnon can help. I get where you are, but I also know where you can go if you just stop the Merry Go Round and get off. Do your own thing and stop depending on him. He is an alcoholic and because of that fact, he is not dependable. Unless he gets himself into a program and really does the work (and that is a hard thing to go through as a couple because it's almost like they go back to the age they started drinking and hit fast forward in the growing up stages), then your marriage will never be what you want. And, even if he quits drinking, and works his program, you will have to do a lot of work on yourself in order to make your marriage stable and happy.

Of course, it is all in your hands...you just don't yet realize it. Al-Anon can give you the tools to get control of yourself and he will have to handle him. It's worth a try because nothing has worked so far, has it?

With loving support and heartfelt compassion.....know that we all care!!!

Beautiful  share, Doingmybest!  Thank you so much.  Although I can't picture my AH ever reaching for recovery, I can only live in today and have no idea what will be revealed.   Your share was so inspiring to me.

(((Hugs)))

Ellen

 Mapper this cycle,   rounds and rounds of the same misery will never change until YOU do....and the meetings??? it will help you address YOUR behavior and YOUR thinking and YOUR sickness...there isn't a thing you can do about his behavior.....until you accept steps 1,2,3, in their entirety and work on step 4 to figure out WHY you are punishing yourself with NOT using the tools that can free you, this cycle will go on and on and on and you will sentence yourself to a "life sentence" of this misery....I was there...I was in the SAME crap hole you are in  until I just said "thats it!! I'm done" and i didn't even know about alanon yet, I just bit the bullet, fears and all and I  began to focus on ME and ONLY me..!!!! I see your post is just full of being obsessed with him......You have everything you need, right here,  at your taking.....the meetings..fellowshipiing with other, healthier folks who will help you get free of this....the steps to help you think and respond better....its RIGHT HERE.......at the meetings, surely you can find a sponsor to guide you with the steps.....there is no such thing as "i can't separate myself"   you CAN and I remember you posting about this some time ago...and it makes me sad to see a human being not making the choices to save themselves from this misery...I do hope you will get to the point where you reach out to the meetings and teh steps and find a sponsor or recovery partner to WORK ON YOU..Whether you stay with him or not, if you thought of yourself as much as you do him, you would  see what we are saying......I am sorry that your still hurting....I guess when the pain gets bad enough, you WILL reach out...I had to be beaten down so bad before I finally saw that I would not "make it" if I did't change me and so I did...I would go from bad relationship and bad jobs , on and on till I realized that , yea, removing myself from the man or job was step 1, but I needed MORE...I needed the program to show me a better way of thinking, acting, taking care of me, so I didn't just go from one crappy situation to another....I went to as many meetings as days in the week...every day because I was "DONE with being sick and drawing bad or sick situations and people to me"  I had had it!!! I wish to God I knew about this program WAY back...I could have saved me a lot of years of pain.........the best thing I did was get help....and this is FREE.....its your choice....Al-anon offers you a way out but you gotta accept it and receive it.......I wish you well in this...Honestly I do!!!