I never could have guessed how much last night's meeting would change my life- and started to release me from my suffering. From my last post, I entered the room still shaking from the downward spiral of events (from previous post). I saw familiar faces and some new ones - this group is a great mix of all ages and a couple that always sits in the back of the room as a quiet separation from the rest of the group.
The topic was the 8th step and as I shared, I noticed that the couple in the back started leaning forward, soaking in my story and emotions. They shared after me- echoing my story but with a very different perspective and ending. The dynamic of 2 people with traumatic childhoods who love each other and the unhealthy pitting of defenses against each other when feeling needy. Underneath the contest of who could be more defensive was love. They've been working the program for years and now understand how to manage this without the unhealthy spiral. When they realize they're both needy, it's acknowledged and they fill their needs with their HP before they turn to each other. The couple were overcome with gratitude, as was I, that we could help each other and not be alone.
Earlier in the day, I had time to journal. From the journaling came a letter. I left the letter for him last night. I only used "I" and spoke from my heart- without judgement and without fear. I only asked he consider a conversation after his return from vacation (I was supposed to be with him). I felt like I pinned myself - my heart- naked and vulnerable- on his door.
I'm so grateful that I left the letter and could remain vulnerable through my hurt. After the meeting, the couple validated and supported my effort by sharing more of their story and how they're able to work things out in a loving manner. They offered that my bf had pulled back to work on himself because he knew how much he hurt me- because he does love me- and is confused how he could have hurt me. This was a better and more accurate perspective than mine - my fear that I wasn't loved and good enough.... oh boy!... do I have a lot of work to do on me! I left the meeting feeling much less anxious and even with some serenity. My anger is gone and replaced with love. My hurt has hope because I can help heal my wounded heart from childhood with a much healthier perspective that will allow me to grow and love more richly.
I don't know if it will be helpful for me to collect my things today as planned or leave them. I'm praying on it.
I don't know if he'll be strong enough or have enough courage to change so we can grow stronger as a couple. I am trying not to let fear and anxiety have a death grip on me. I'll do my best for 90 in 90 to get as much support and traction as possible. I'm feeling so blessed for the program and hopeful for a better future guided by my HP.
Thank you for being here - I'm grateful for my MIP family - it's a miracle and blessing we can be here for each other!
Iamhere said
Aug 4, 2017
(((Bud))) - great share and what a testimony to the power of the program and meetings. So very glad that you found some peace and sanity in your situation....love the miracle in hearing what is needed at the moment it is needed. Make it a great day - the program works when we work it - you are worth it!!
bud said
Aug 4, 2017
(((Iamhere))) Thank you! I'm so grateful and it feels more calming as I work on staying in presence.
Lyne said
Aug 4, 2017
Hi bud-I think what you said about hope is very important-because I can have hope about myself to change, I can have hope about me and my life. My A sees the glass half empty and I must admit I used to do that as well. I no longer count on my A to change, but I am counting on me. And that's a good expectation because I can control me! It's not that it's easy because it isn't. But with ODAT and one foot in front of the other, I know I will get where I need to be. I am also a grateful member of Alanon, Lyne
Freetime said
Aug 4, 2017
I'm so glad to hear how you were helped by the meeting and the couple that spoke with you. That's what keeps me coming back -- the miracles. It reminds me of something I read, "Angels exist, but they don't have wings, and we call them friends."
Best wishes, you've got this!
SerenityRUS said
Aug 4, 2017
Big hugs :) I'm so glad you found some relief! Face to face meetings offer so much healing!!
bud said
Aug 4, 2017
Lyne- Thank you! Truth! I am practicing hope with letting go of outcomes... it is a continuous thing... almost like how playing peek-a-boo with a baby can help prepare for security and not having separation anxiety.
Freetime- Many thanks- love the quote!
SerenityRUS- Thank you for being a wonderful support!
shrnp said
Aug 4, 2017
Nice share bud. It is a great reminder to be gentle with ourselves. I am glad that Alanon is helping you have some peace and clarity in your life.
mamalioness said
Aug 5, 2017
((((bud)))) beautiful share..>I can relate on so many levels....I am learning, slowly, to get out of the way and quit trying to control the uncontrollables.....just let go...what will be will be.....i like the "God bless them--God change me" my heart is open, but its gonna be cautious..and allow TIME to show me any further relationships/friendships are worthy of me....I'm not desperate...yea, I get lonely at times..I am human and humans are social animals, but THIS time, as I have been doing since recovery really began to take root is that sometimes I have to be patient and wait for my good, as long as I am open, honest and willing, I am gonna be OK....yea, down right now because I am in mourning...closing ranks and only wanting my close people to communicate with....as I age I just see that time is too precious to waste on the empty well people...on my "stuff I see" post, I was referring to adopted daughter...she is an empty well person so she tries to dip into my well....I will no longer allow it...I'm gonna spend my precious time and give my equally precious heart to those who are worthy....let the others go without rancor and without spending any more emotions on them.....wish them well...but cut them loose from me to walk their separate path....the ones who really love me are coming out with their offerings of love as I mourn the loss of my sister...I'm gonna love the ones I really got and send the others away to find their own paths....I'm not the "toxin whisperer"...
bud said
Aug 5, 2017
(((Mamalioness)))
I lost both parents last year and grief is a process. I was advised to slow down and when I find myself not managing, I start slowing down again and I find this incredibly helpful.
Allowing vulnerability isn't easy. In response to my note, this morning he texted that his alarm is on and I can get my things when he returns. My gut responded as if I were punched- I guess I had hope and tagged it with a potential expectation. I know he's hiding behind hurt and doing what he knows how to do and this is his choice. I'm taking cleansing breaths and taking each moment as it comes. I do not know what the future brings... I know none of that... I'm reaching out to my HP who is full of love and wants me feeling safe and serene.
Hi MIP Family,
I never could have guessed how much last night's meeting would change my life- and started to release me from my suffering. From my last post, I entered the room still shaking from the downward spiral of events (from previous post). I saw familiar faces and some new ones - this group is a great mix of all ages and a couple that always sits in the back of the room as a quiet separation from the rest of the group.
The topic was the 8th step and as I shared, I noticed that the couple in the back started leaning forward, soaking in my story and emotions. They shared after me- echoing my story but with a very different perspective and ending. The dynamic of 2 people with traumatic childhoods who love each other and the unhealthy pitting of defenses against each other when feeling needy. Underneath the contest of who could be more defensive was love. They've been working the program for years and now understand how to manage this without the unhealthy spiral. When they realize they're both needy, it's acknowledged and they fill their needs with their HP before they turn to each other. The couple were overcome with gratitude, as was I, that we could help each other and not be alone.
Earlier in the day, I had time to journal. From the journaling came a letter. I left the letter for him last night. I only used "I" and spoke from my heart- without judgement and without fear. I only asked he consider a conversation after his return from vacation (I was supposed to be with him). I felt like I pinned myself - my heart- naked and vulnerable- on his door.
I'm so grateful that I left the letter and could remain vulnerable through my hurt. After the meeting, the couple validated and supported my effort by sharing more of their story and how they're able to work things out in a loving manner. They offered that my bf had pulled back to work on himself because he knew how much he hurt me- because he does love me- and is confused how he could have hurt me. This was a better and more accurate perspective than mine - my fear that I wasn't loved and good enough.... oh boy!... do I have a lot of work to do on me! I left the meeting feeling much less anxious and even with some serenity. My anger is gone and replaced with love. My hurt has hope because I can help heal my wounded heart from childhood with a much healthier perspective that will allow me to grow and love more richly.
I don't know if it will be helpful for me to collect my things today as planned or leave them. I'm praying on it.
I don't know if he'll be strong enough or have enough courage to change so we can grow stronger as a couple. I am trying not to let fear and anxiety have a death grip on me. I'll do my best for 90 in 90 to get as much support and traction as possible. I'm feeling so blessed for the program and hopeful for a better future guided by my HP.
Thank you for being here - I'm grateful for my MIP family - it's a miracle and blessing we can be here for each other!
Best wishes, you've got this!
Freetime- Many thanks- love the quote!
SerenityRUS- Thank you for being a wonderful support!
I lost both parents last year and grief is a process. I was advised to slow down and when I find myself not managing, I start slowing down again and I find this incredibly helpful.
Allowing vulnerability isn't easy. In response to my note, this morning he texted that his alarm is on and I can get my things when he returns. My gut responded as if I were punched- I guess I had hope and tagged it with a potential expectation. I know he's hiding behind hurt and doing what he knows how to do and this is his choice. I'm taking cleansing breaths and taking each moment as it comes. I do not know what the future brings... I know none of that... I'm reaching out to my HP who is full of love and wants me feeling safe and serene.