Hi all. I was at my meeting today, but didn't share about my last big enabling thing, just didn't feel up to it, because honestly I'm ashamed about this almost more than about anything else at the moment. I have reduced enabling my ex-abf drastically during the last year or so, but I still spend quite a lot of money on him, although we have separated and don't live together anymore. Yeah... I estimate its around 1/4 of my salary... The progress I've made recently is that I don't give him any cash anymore, but I still buy food and cigarettes occasionally, and have paid for some things, like internet connection. Now that he's my ex, it really makes no sense for me to be spending so much money on him (I guess it didn't make much sense before also), yet I do, its always something, always urgent, always so logical that I should spend money. I am resentful about this yet I realize I'm the only one who is doing this to me by agreeing to do what I resent... I feel I really need to get rid of this resentment, as its prone to poisoning my peace of mind. I realize this is once again my fear of his reaction and blaming, and fear of him thinking badly of me. I have overcome a few large enabling things, and it was so so hard, yet so so necessary and a blessing in the end. And also healthier for him, although he may not think so. I realize this is just like those times. So, while I still continue to shoot myself in the foot with this, I'm still making slow baby step progress, but the way I do it somehow seems cowardly?... Like I wrote before, I stopped giving him cash a couple of weeks or so ago... I mean, I feel as if I'm trying to wean him off, slowly and slyly, from counting on me regarding money. It kind of feels like manipulating, like I should just be straightforward. But I can't, not now, anyway. I am trying to protect myself in this way, and this baby step helped me some, because at least now I'm sure no money from my purse finds its way DIRECTLY to alcohol (indirectly - still does, of course). Still, it feels like this is the wrong approach. And I suppose it may not work like I would like it to, anyway, and probably won't, in long term. I suppose I just haven't become sick and tired of this... Today ex-abf called me with another totally logical request for money. He's due to receive a very heavy shipment tomorrow by the courier, and I guess the driver does not normally carry heavy loads to the apartment, instead, the receiver carries it wherever from the van. So he tells me he really needs to have some cash to pay for the driver so that he would carry the super heavy (really) equipment upstairs. My ex-abf's hands are still badly bitten and scratched, with big blue patches after the unexpected attack by his cat (it really is bad, I haven't seen damage from a cat this extensive), so I really do believe he can't carry the item. When he called I told him I really have need for my money, that I need it for this and that, that I have spent enough money on him as it is - basically, I was justifying why I want the money I earn... I did manage to EXPLAIN and JUSTIFY in a totally nonjudgmental way at least... I told him to please think about getting the cash somewhere else. Well, if he doesn't, and asks for money tomorrow, I don't think I'll be able to refuse again, because otherwise he will make it out like I want him to experience terrible pain (the damaged hands). I know I'm projecting, but this is lately his go-to method. ... I'm not gonna worry much about this today, though. I don't know yet how to stop enabling him with money yet. I can't yet let go, and let god on this, I can't let go of the consequences (which I predict)... But somewhere in the Alanon literature it is said that we are as sick as our secrets, so maybe being open here about this will help me... I'm gonna try to muster the courage to talk about this at the next meeting as well... Thanks for reading.

Big hugs .. I am an glad you are here .. keep coming back. :)

Thanks for your honesty Aline. It is a process

Thank you Betty, Serenity, Rose... It feels good to have let it out. I hope I'll receive HP's help and guidance on this, I shall pray for it.

Hi aline. Thanks for sharing. The disease of alcoholism manifested itself in me in much the same way it is in you. The giving resenting giving. I felt such deep distorted empathy and put the drinker way before myself or anyone else. It left me feeling used weak and pathetic and like you said cannot get us serenity. I had to get really really honest though the program and had to search within for the reasons within me. What I found looks harsh in black and white but I no longer sit in judgement over myself and the truth set me free so I live that I found it out. I enabled for me. Almost 100 percent for me. For my ego to be the fixer rescuer. It made me feel good about myself especially when self esteem was lacking within me. It allowed me to play out roles I had gotten used to and was comfortable with the martyr the victim I got to say and did say look at all I do and get nothing in return. I fed the guilt on my back because I linked the enabling with I kind of owe this and I deserve this for .... whatever bs was lurking. I say bs because I always did the best with what I had so guilt was my big justifier and another comfortable shortcoming. Guilt was a choice I made with no awareness of the consequences. I do guilt no longer and I'm in charge of me. Yeeeha.I also learned a bog truth that helped end my enabling. It made a thief of me. I stole dignity, learning, opportunity, growth. Big big gifts right out the hands of the drinker and really all for my own twisted kind of gains. If I could draw a piechart showing enabling it would have been 100 now I think it's mostly abput 20. However if the drinking insanity and chaos ramps up with my son then I can go all the way up but this time with full awareness so I don't think it ever leave a us bit we can wake up to the reality of the damage it causes.

Something that has helped me a lot in regards to giving--whether its money or time-- is the question/ guideline: do I have it to give? If I do, I will and if I don't then I can't. Sometimes I do and then I will. Sometimes I don't have it and so I can't. I don't feel guilty, because this process helps me to be honest with myself first and foremost. It is OK to take care of you. Sometimes we have it and sometimes we don't. Its OK. Be gentle with yourself as well, it is all a process, you came here and you questioned aloud and your self awareness is growing. That sounds like progress to me.

Hey (((Aline))) - so very sorry that you are feeling shame and badly about 'what is'. I am reminded of when we know better, we do better. Not an Al-Anon slogan, but still very helpful to my recovery. I also 'helped' out tons which I learned in recovery was enabling and not real service. For me, I had to learn to love myself enough to be able to say No and live with it....time takes time!

I also often ask myself if I am more concerned for another person's future, welfare, safety than they are. For me, this is another 'example' of where I am stepping across the line. In my experience, while it was very, very hard to close down the Bank of IamHere, it was also very freeing and one of the best things I did for them and me.

Progress is always our goal - perfection is overrated!!! (((Hugs)))

Thank you tons for your ESH. The different perspectives you each shared are valuable to me. Your shares brought tears to my eyes, and I feel so grateful to you and to this program for accepting me as I am at this moment. This helps me accept myself as I am at this point in my life. Might be a change is coming, feels like it.

Healthy post - sharing the secret disarms it from causing deeper damage. By doing so, you've already started to heal. I suspect you'll find sharing with your f2f group will bring you further along in the process. ODAT

I've made a step forward towards healthier living the day before yesterday by communicating clearly to my ex-abf I would not continue to be such a generous financial backer to him anymore. Nothing I haven't said a 100 times before, yet it felt different and even he seem to see that, probably because I mean it. I did slip and do some JADEing while I was at it, but I managed to stick to "I" statements and respectful tone at least. It really seems like this secret no longer has such a strong hold on me since I've shared it with you, as I am confronted with these words I've written and feelings I've uncovered. Of course, for now what I did was just words, and I pray that I keep caring about myself (as well as him) enough to do what neither of us really wants but both of us need, me quite desperately. Thank you all once again for being here for me, Alanon is really a wonderful family to be part of.

Great job Aline!!! Keep working it and enjoy the progress you are making!!

Keep moving forward :)

Big hugs :)

My heart goes out to you. I am not proud to say that I financially enabled, supported, gave money, and more to my ex for years. It was a great deal of money. It was never a question of whether or not I had it to give/loan, because I did have it...and she knew it. So, for it to stop, it had to be not that I didn't have it -- because I did -- it had to be because I DID NOT WANT TO GIVE OR LOAN THE MONEY ANY LONGER. This took me a long time to get to.

It was emotional extortion and emotional blackmail. Fluff it up any way you like, paint the picture with whatever brushes or paint you want, rationalize, justify, and vacillate in a hundred ways...it doesn't matter...it was emotional extortion and emotional blackmail. How did my life ever get to the point where it became "normal" for me to give any money to her? This was disgusting.

I did a lot of work...on me, for me...and I finally said...NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES. Enough. No more. And I said No.

I wish you all the best for health and happiness...and you can and will find it...when you take care of yourself and FOCUS ON YOU.

Thank you for your shares :)