I accept, detach, don't try to control, etc., and I cannot get used to my A's continued lying. She expects me to instantaneously believe her, after 20+ years of lying. Last night and this morning she is angry, has a very loud volume, and I am trying to stay calm. She is unable to put herself in my shoes. I believe what she says about 5% of the time. We still both need a lot of recovery. At least I know that for myself and plan to do it. If I had a magic want I would fast forward to a more healthy place. Reality is, I have to make that happen for myself, and go through all this yuck. But I will do it, with program. Lyne
Jerry F said
Aug 3, 2017
I felt so alone in the problems when I was in that situation myself. She brought her wreckage everywhere she was and left everyone else to try to find and secure sanity for themselves. The alcoholic and addict are altered by the chemical. I had to remind myself of that constantly and not get my expectations all up in a fluff. After awhile I could no longer do it and learned it was okay to let go and let God and start working my own life plan which is better work.
(((((Lyne))))) what do you think it feels like to be loved by you? I was asked that question once by my therapist and it just made me weep.
hotrod said
Aug 3, 2017
((Lyne)) I lesrned to not sacrifice my serenity for anyone. If they lie continually I would stay detached and simply say "oh that is interesting" I do not agree I think that-- and then say what I needed . I was always courteous and respectful no judgement or blame and It worked tremendously. Keep the focus on yourself and trust HP. You are doing great
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 3rd of August 2017 10:51:06 AM
El said
Aug 3, 2017
Lyne,
When I am lied to by my A, I immediately think, "you know I am not a stupid person, right?" No, my AH knows I am not, but self defense, denial and belief in his own lies is so strong at times, it is just automatic. It takes a lot of SELF control on my part to not confront it every single time; I have to stop and think, "how important is it?" Then I determine if I want to challenge it or let it be.
Ellen
SerenityRUS said
Aug 3, 2017
UGH .. the lying and lying over the silliest of things .. it was AWFUL and is AWFUL .. I am so sorry you are going through this right now.
One thing my sponsor often said to me was "Stand quietly in your own truth". The standard Alanon response .. ohhh. I often did not respond at all knowing what the truth was. I also know he believed what he was saying in the moment .. it goes along with the intention and that old tried and true statement .. the path to hell is paved with good intentions. What helped me stay out of the crazy was knowing my truth, I believe what my eyes saw and read .. not what my XAH was telling me. I was so desperate for a shred of the truth that I would make myself crazy with my eyes and ears trying to convenience my mind they didn't hear or see what they had.
So know your truth and don't worry about anything else. She's going to lie or not lie .. sometimes it's just best unless it is an issue of safety to let them go with their beliefs.
Big hugs,
S :)
mamalioness said
Aug 3, 2017
lying is hard to get "past" it is a willful thing and its hard to accept, even with program, but accept we must if we want to stay with someone who is active A and a proven liar.......I , after all I had to go through, am not into "high maintenance" relationships where i gotta practice detachment more then I breath and accepting behavior I cannot relate to....My whole life, growing up was a lie....I had to Lie about her "problem" "Oh its a menopausal thing" boy she went through menopause from age 30 to age 56...longest in history, a medical mystery...and the raging....I don't know if fast forwarding will change anything with the qualifier, but it can with us here in al-anon....how refreshing it was for me to be ABLE to be honest, open, sincere, up front in my dealings with not only others but ME....I do wish you the best....Some stay with their qualifier, some, like me, get tired of it and we leave....it is up to the individual, sounds to me like you are a very good and mellow person to be able to work through this as you work your program...I applaud your loyalty, but I also hope that you are loyal to you as well...YOU need you too.....and i agree with the title of your post....Lying is so destructive...I can't be around liars...the trust is not there and trust is critical to me...I had too much "training" in how NOT to trust because noone in my FOO was trustworthy so TRUST is Vital to me in a relationship of any kind..If I cannot trust?? I move on because I just lose interest....my adopted daughter, i can't trust her as far as i can throw her and that is why I am so detached and even separated from her...I can't trust her promises, her saying she will pick me up for the doctor when she stands me up , last minute,forcing me to have to ask my BOSS to take me???? I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.....I suppose it CAN work, if one just discounts everything they say and watch the actions...i guess it can work, but a lot of detachment would have to be in order.....I don't have the energy and the patience to put up with lying and other unhealthy behaviors that impact my safety and trust in the individual involved....communication is key to me, and it has to be open,honest, sincere and real or I can't participate.....IN SUPPORT....
Iamhere said
Aug 3, 2017
(((Lyne))) - so very sorry for the disease and it's affects. I too have been in that seat and it's a tough one. I try to do as Betty --- make my serenity the most important part of the moment and repeat in my mind, "Bless Them, Change Me"....I still need to be reminded that what I think about them and what I think about their actions and their reactions and all the other chaos that comes with the disease is not mine to fix, own, change, correct, etc.
That abbreviated serenity prayer helps to remind me that I need to have the courage to change me...You are not alone!
I accept, detach, don't try to control, etc., and I cannot get used to my A's continued lying. She expects me to instantaneously believe her, after 20+ years of lying. Last night and this morning she is angry, has a very loud volume, and I am trying to stay calm. She is unable to put herself in my shoes. I believe what she says about 5% of the time. We still both need a lot of recovery. At least I know that for myself and plan to do it. If I had a magic want I would fast forward to a more healthy place. Reality is, I have to make that happen for myself, and go through all this yuck. But I will do it, with program. Lyne
I felt so alone in the problems when I was in that situation myself. She brought her wreckage everywhere she was and left everyone else to try to find and secure sanity for themselves. The alcoholic and addict are altered by the chemical. I had to remind myself of that constantly and not get my expectations all up in a fluff. After awhile I could no longer do it and learned it was okay to let go and let God and start working my own life plan which is better work.
(((((Lyne))))) what do you think it feels like to be loved by you? I was asked that question once by my therapist and it just made me weep.
((Lyne)) I lesrned to not sacrifice my serenity for anyone. If they lie continually I would stay detached and simply say "oh that is interesting" I do not agree I think that-- and then say what I needed . I was always courteous and respectful no judgement or blame and It worked tremendously.
Keep the focus on yourself and trust HP. You are doing great
-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 3rd of August 2017 10:51:06 AM
Lyne,
When I am lied to by my A, I immediately think, "you know I am not a stupid person, right?" No, my AH knows I am not, but self defense, denial and belief in his own lies is so strong at times, it is just automatic. It takes a lot of SELF control on my part to not confront it every single time; I have to stop and think, "how important is it?" Then I determine if I want to challenge it or let it be.
Ellen
One thing my sponsor often said to me was "Stand quietly in your own truth". The standard Alanon response .. ohhh. I often did not respond at all knowing what the truth was. I also know he believed what he was saying in the moment .. it goes along with the intention and that old tried and true statement .. the path to hell is paved with good intentions. What helped me stay out of the crazy was knowing my truth, I believe what my eyes saw and read .. not what my XAH was telling me. I was so desperate for a shred of the truth that I would make myself crazy with my eyes and ears trying to convenience my mind they didn't hear or see what they had.
So know your truth and don't worry about anything else. She's going to lie or not lie .. sometimes it's just best unless it is an issue of safety to let them go with their beliefs.
Big hugs,
S :)
lying is hard to get "past" it is a willful thing and its hard to accept, even with program, but accept we must if we want to stay with someone who is active A and a proven liar.......I , after all I had to go through, am not into "high maintenance" relationships where i gotta practice detachment more then I breath and accepting behavior I cannot relate to....My whole life, growing up was a lie....I had to Lie about her "problem" "Oh its a menopausal thing" boy she went through menopause from age 30 to age 56...longest in history, a medical mystery...and the raging....I don't know if fast forwarding will change anything with the qualifier, but it can with us here in al-anon....how refreshing it was for me to be ABLE to be honest, open, sincere, up front in my dealings with not only others but ME....I do wish you the best....Some stay with their qualifier, some, like me, get tired of it and we leave....it is up to the individual, sounds to me like you are a very good and mellow person to be able to work through this as you work your program...I applaud your loyalty, but I also hope that you are loyal to you as well...YOU need you too.....and i agree with the title of your post....Lying is so destructive...I can't be around liars...the trust is not there and trust is critical to me...I had too much "training" in how NOT to trust because noone in my FOO was trustworthy so TRUST is Vital to me in a relationship of any kind..If I cannot trust?? I move on because I just lose interest....my adopted daughter, i can't trust her as far as i can throw her and that is why I am so detached and even separated from her...I can't trust her promises, her saying she will pick me up for the doctor when she stands me up , last minute,forcing me to have to ask my BOSS to take me???? I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.....I suppose it CAN work, if one just discounts everything they say and watch the actions...i guess it can work, but a lot of detachment would have to be in order.....I don't have the energy and the patience to put up with lying and other unhealthy behaviors that impact my safety and trust in the individual involved....communication is key to me, and it has to be open,honest, sincere and real or I can't participate.....IN SUPPORT....
That abbreviated serenity prayer helps to remind me that I need to have the courage to change me...You are not alone!