I am new here. My AB has been sober for 6 weeks now and before he was sober he would be so attentive loving and would want to hang out all the time. Now he doesn't call me, text or come over ( we are neighbors) I feel like he can only love me when he has been drinking. I really am upset by his behaviour towards me as we have been together for 2yrs and I have been with him every step of the way. Before he would tell me he loved me and I mean the world to him. He would kiss me although we haven't been intimate for awhile.
It is like he has two different personalities. He is going to AA and I started going to Alanon. We would go together at first and now he doesn't even ask me to go with him. Maybe since he is sober he has realized that he doesn't love me. I have only known the alcoholic man I never new him sober. So, I am dazed and confused by his silent treatment. I really need someone to tell me if this is normal behaviour.
shrnp said
Aug 2, 2017
Hello Blue,
Welcome to MIP. Alcoholism is a family disease. It not only hurts the alcoholic but it can cause many problems for the people who love them. It can be hard for a partner when they have someone who is new to sobriety. You are not alone. We never know how the alcoholic will act when they stop drinking. That is why Alanon is a recovery program for us. You can meet people like yourself that have gone through the same thing. I am sorry you are going through this. Maybe you can find a face to face meeting in your area for support. You can learn new skills and focus on making yourself a priority. I hope things get better soon!
Bo said
Aug 2, 2017
Hello Blue, and welcome. There's a lot of moving parts/pieces to your post, so, first, just slow down and take a deep breath. One, start focusing on YOU. What he feels, what he's doing, what he wants, and all of that -- is about him. Not about you. You can't do anything about any of that. You are focusing on him and that is part of the problem. Find a sponsor and start immersing yourself in acceptance. Also, start learning about and implementing detachment -- both physical and emotional. Start doing the work, the work that you need to do, on you, so that you can get better -- whether or not he gets better.
All the "maybe he doesn't love me" and "I feel like he can only" and all of that -- all of that is your "stinking thinking" and projection, reaction, etc. You can learn how to focus on you and not have your mind start racing with fears, concerns, etc., and so that they won't consume you. Often, part of this disease -- on both person's part -- is co-dependency. Part of getting clean and sober, is him focusing on him and staying clean and sober. That can be all-consuming. It can be the most important thing and the only thing an alcoholic can do early on in recovery. Him going to AA meetings is great. You going to al-anon is great too. Each of you should go...and he should have his recovery and you should have yours. The going to meetings together -- let that happen, again, if at all, naturally. Each of you should be focusing on yourselves. Going to meetings together -- there is plenty of time for that if that's what the future holds. Get out of the co-dependency. His recovery is on him -- he doesn't have a partner in it, meetings, working the steps, etc. His support system is going to be his sponsor and AA and the people there -- first and foremost at first. Often it is not the BF/GF, spouse, etc. Just slow down and focus on you and you living one day at a time.
Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Bo on Wednesday 2nd of August 2017 09:57:47 PM
mamalioness said
Aug 2, 2017
Hi, and welcome....I see a lot of obsessing over him and not thinking "ok, what can I do to take care of ME, while HE takes care of himself???" I would find a sponsor or a recovery mate to work the steps with in your alanon meet or on line or whatever but you need to work on you...and that means the entire program...Right now, he is immersed in staying sober...IF he is sincere about his program, hes gonna be AA oriented and maybe for a while, immersed in getting sober and staying sober...working his program...this "maybe he doesn't love me" is just the co-dependent fear, and I relate because I woudl do that...."oh he doesn't love me because no call today" its just my sick thinking that is making me react that way....BUT , since I got into recovery and checking my motives and my emotions and my actions, I can catch the stinking thinking and do some healthy self talk...Like I am powerless over another but NOT powerless over taking care of and changing me......I would just accept what is right now and ask yourself, "what can I do to take care of me and cast my cares???" the answer is MEETINGS and more meetings and hopefully a sponsor or good , experienced recovery partner and work the steps....he just MAY be focused on getting healthy and getting his life back together....If you are ever to have a healthy, happy and REAL relationship wit him, then let him work his program and you work yours...............Just saying.....keep coming back
Iamhere said
Aug 3, 2017
Hey there Blue - welcome to MIP ... glad that you found us and glad that you joined in. I am sorry that you are hurting over changes he's making in his life. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that's never cured - it can be treated through abstinence and some type of recovery. Often that recovery is AA. It's also a family disease, and there is support for others affected - Al-Anon is for friends and family and open to all whether the alcoholic is in recovery or not.
We work the 12 Steps and keep the focus on self for our own recovery. We use literature that helps us understand how to be/think/do different. Often, as a family or friend, we develop low self-esteem, low self-worth and distorted thinking. There are variances of behaviors that we tend to use in an effort to help, cure, fix, cover for the alcoholic, and in our recovery side, we learn this is not healthy living.
I do encourage you to attend some local Al-Anon meetings. It was there I found a group of like-minded others who wanted recovery! They taught me how to put me first, how not to obsess over what others are/are not doing and how to love myself no matter what else was going on. It's a judgement free zone and healthy members don't give advice, tell you what to do or take your inventory. They share from their hearts, and allow you to find your way to a different/better journey.
There is always hope and help for those who want it in recovery - keep coming back - you are worth it!!
Welcome to MIP. Alcoholism is a family disease. It not only hurts the alcoholic but it can cause many problems for the people who love them. It can be hard for a partner when they have someone who is new to sobriety. You are not alone. We never know how the alcoholic will act when they stop drinking. That is why Alanon is a recovery program for us. You can meet people like yourself that have gone through the same thing. I am sorry you are going through this. Maybe you can find a face to face meeting in your area for support. You can learn new skills and focus on making yourself a priority. I hope things get better soon!
Hello Blue, and welcome. There's a lot of moving parts/pieces to your post, so, first, just slow down and take a deep breath. One, start focusing on YOU. What he feels, what he's doing, what he wants, and all of that -- is about him. Not about you. You can't do anything about any of that. You are focusing on him and that is part of the problem. Find a sponsor and start immersing yourself in acceptance. Also, start learning about and implementing detachment -- both physical and emotional. Start doing the work, the work that you need to do, on you, so that you can get better -- whether or not he gets better.
All the "maybe he doesn't love me" and "I feel like he can only" and all of that -- all of that is your "stinking thinking" and projection, reaction, etc. You can learn how to focus on you and not have your mind start racing with fears, concerns, etc., and so that they won't consume you. Often, part of this disease -- on both person's part -- is co-dependency. Part of getting clean and sober, is him focusing on him and staying clean and sober. That can be all-consuming. It can be the most important thing and the only thing an alcoholic can do early on in recovery. Him going to AA meetings is great. You going to al-anon is great too. Each of you should go...and he should have his recovery and you should have yours. The going to meetings together -- let that happen, again, if at all, naturally. Each of you should be focusing on yourselves. Going to meetings together -- there is plenty of time for that if that's what the future holds. Get out of the co-dependency. His recovery is on him -- he doesn't have a partner in it, meetings, working the steps, etc. His support system is going to be his sponsor and AA and the people there -- first and foremost at first. Often it is not the BF/GF, spouse, etc. Just slow down and focus on you and you living one day at a time.
Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Bo on Wednesday 2nd of August 2017 09:57:47 PM
Hi, and welcome....I see a lot of obsessing over him and not thinking "ok, what can I do to take care of ME, while HE takes care of himself???" I would find a sponsor or a recovery mate to work the steps with in your alanon meet or on line or whatever but you need to work on you...and that means the entire program...Right now, he is immersed in staying sober...IF he is sincere about his program, hes gonna be AA oriented and maybe for a while, immersed in getting sober and staying sober...working his program...this "maybe he doesn't love me" is just the co-dependent fear, and I relate because I woudl do that...."oh he doesn't love me because no call today" its just my sick thinking that is making me react that way....BUT , since I got into recovery and checking my motives and my emotions and my actions, I can catch the stinking thinking and do some healthy self talk...Like I am powerless over another but NOT powerless over taking care of and changing me......I would just accept what is right now and ask yourself, "what can I do to take care of me and cast my cares???" the answer is MEETINGS and more meetings and hopefully a sponsor or good , experienced recovery partner and work the steps....he just MAY be focused on getting healthy and getting his life back together....If you are ever to have a healthy, happy and REAL relationship wit him, then let him work his program and you work yours...............Just saying.....keep coming back
We work the 12 Steps and keep the focus on self for our own recovery. We use literature that helps us understand how to be/think/do different. Often, as a family or friend, we develop low self-esteem, low self-worth and distorted thinking. There are variances of behaviors that we tend to use in an effort to help, cure, fix, cover for the alcoholic, and in our recovery side, we learn this is not healthy living.
I do encourage you to attend some local Al-Anon meetings. It was there I found a group of like-minded others who wanted recovery! They taught me how to put me first, how not to obsess over what others are/are not doing and how to love myself no matter what else was going on. It's a judgement free zone and healthy members don't give advice, tell you what to do or take your inventory. They share from their hearts, and allow you to find your way to a different/better journey.
There is always hope and help for those who want it in recovery - keep coming back - you are worth it!!