I'm 19 years old, and my mum has been drinking since I was about 10/11, and it's gradually worsened over the years. She's not a physically abusive drunk but instead is emotionally abusive, saying horrible things to me and my dad, and really anyone who's in the room and may have challenged her about her drinking. She's been signed off on work due to her alcohol abuse, and has lost two jobs as a result of it. Through it all my dad has stuck with her through it, leading to him becoming horribly depressed as he feels that he has no way out of it. She's made his life miserable.
He's tried everything he can to help her; paid for her to be hypnotised on multiple sections (very expensive, did nothing for her), supported the family on his own when she went to rehab for 3 months last year (once again ineffective, she relapsed on her first day out and if anything drank more since she came out), sent her to counselling, taking her to AA meetings and even tried to do controlled drinking where they'll drink together on a Saturday night for a nice night in. Nothing has worked. He moved out for a few days last year, and she just drank more until she finally came to her senses.
It seems her drinking follows a pattern, she'll drink, scream at us all, go to bed. Next day, drink, scream at us all, go to bed. Next day be sober, but completely silent and go into a huff because neither of us are talking to her. Next day, my dad slowly starts talking to her and by the next day it's all back to normal as if she'd never drank. Cue 4 days later and the whole cycle repeats itself.
Anytime she drinks (like today) it makes me so uncontrollably angry and I know you're not meant to argue with them when they're drunk but with the things she says I honestly can't help it, especially when I'm left alone with her all day with nowhere else to go whilst my dad is at work. Today's episode involved, me getting out of bed at 10am at which stage I could definitely tell she'd been drinking. I chose to say nothing and try and ignore it by just not talking to her and hoping that I was wrong. Then at 12pm she drank a lot more to the point she could barely talk, after which the arguing occurred.
Her and my dad had been looking at going away on holiday, under the condition that he'd book it if she didn't drink. So she began screaming at me that I had ruined the whole holiday and that the whole thing will be cancelled and that they won't be going away anywhere and that it was all my fault. To which I replied that it was not my fault that she'd drank and that I hadn't even told my dad that she'd been drinking, but that he'd know as soon as he came home from work. Today we were meant to be taking the dog to the vet at 4pm so he could get his injections because he was meant to be going to the kennels when they were away on holiday. Obviously once I realised the state she was in, I was not willing to inside the car being driven by her, so I then texted my brother who doesn't live with us saying he'd need to take the dog because she'd been drinking. And once again she completed flipped out at me saying I shouldn't have told him this and that she could drive. She told me that I had to make the decision to "save the holiday" and to do that I should text my brother back and say I'd been mistaken about her drinking. When I said I wouldn't do this she then started to try and guilt trip me by saying "well that's me and your dad done then, that's us we're going to split up now, and it's all your fault."
This is a common guilt trip for her one that she's used a lot over the years, and I've now become immune to it because honestly I really wouldn't care if they did split up because it probably would make my dad happier. I've been sitting in my room for the past 2 hours to get away from her and she's continually popped in and out of my room at least 6 times just to scream and shout at me. I wish I had somewhere to go but it's raining outside and I don't want to walk around aimlessly in the rain for the 4 hours before my dad comes home.
I'm sorry if this is really long winded and maybe boring, but I really just needed to rant about it all because there's no one I can talk to about it. Quite frankly I can't wait to move out of this house, and I'll be moving out in about a month and a half. I can't wait to live in a house where I'm not waking up each morning wondering what the day will be like, because if she's sober then great, we get along great and the day is fine. But just as easily I can wake up and know immediately she's been drinking and then the day just turns to shit. I'm envious of my friends who have a stable home life because I feel like this has turned me into an anxious and angry person. I can't even go to a friend's house and then come back the next day without worrying, "if I don't get home soon, she'll be home alone too long and then she'll drink." I feel like if I'm here and awake in the house then she can't drink, which obviously isn't true as she's done it many times before.
Any advice anyone could give me on how to cope with all this would be great, I tried to sum it all up but I've left out so much just so I don't end up writing a novel.
SerenityRUS said
Aug 2, 2017
Hugs Chloe,
Have you gone to any meetings? You are so young you have a whole life to live going forward and I wish I had been more aware to realize that what other people did was not about me. I just really encourage you based upon if I could tell my 18 year old self anything is this too shall pass and while I was in a hurry to get out of my house I was not in a hurry to let go of the behavior that continued to attract what I left. Meaning I married 2 addict and struggle with understanding what is healthy. So if I could go back and tell my younger self anything that would be .. get yourself healthy first .. learn to love yourself first, .. and then work on a great plan to get yourself right by living on your own. Yes .. life with an addict is not manageable alone .. however you aren't alone there are lots of people who have traveled it and some of them are also your age. You really never have to be alone. And NO .. emotional abuse is never ok .. however you have to know your truth and that you don't have to buy into what is being sold .. at the meetings people really will hold your hand and love you through it until you get to that other side.
Big hugs,
S :)
KT2015 said
Aug 2, 2017
Hi Chloe and welcome to the board. ((HUGS)) The absolute best way to cope is to find support from a face to face al anon meeting in your area. Maybe even an al ateen meeting. There you will find others who have lived with alcoholism in their homes and you will also find tools to help you deal with how the disease has affected you.
I too grew up with an alcoholic step mother who was very emotionally abusive when she was drunk and even when she was sober so your post really touched me because I could relate to your feelings. I used to think that I could control drinking too (by being home soon so someone won't drink) but I've come to realize that I am powerless over someone else's drinking. One of the tools they talk about in AL Anon is the three Cs. You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, and you can't Control it. This was helpful to me early on in the program. I hope you seek out a meeting and find help for you. Take care!
Iamhere said
Aug 2, 2017
I too welcome you to MIP Chloe - glad you found us and so very sorry for how the disease has affected your family. It is a family disease, and as you've come to understand and see, more than just the drinker is affected. Many of us end up with distorted thinking and living our lives 'around' the disease instead of dealing with the disease in us and working to heal from the affects.
I too would suggest you seek out local Al-Anon meetings and attend. In my situation, that is the only remedy that right-sized me and set me free. Those I love who have alcoholism are still active in their disease, yet I found my place, my peace and my joy by using the program to heal/deal.
Please keep coming back here too - you are not alone and there is always hope and help in recovery. (((Hugs)))
Aline said
Aug 2, 2017
Hi and welcome to MIP. I'm glad you have reached out, this really is the first step in getting better, as the disease of alcoholism is often isolating. I can identify with a lot of things you've shared, as I've experienced many of them as well as have a lot of others here. I too encourage you to seek out local Alanon meetings. There you will begin to learn how to take care of yourself better and retain/regain more peace and even happiness regardless of what others are or aren 't doing. Alcoholism is destructive to all, the drinker and all who are close to them, this is why we who have also been affected by it need help, which is available, thankfully... You are not alone... Hugs and best wishes to you. Keep coming back
I'm 19 years old, and my mum has been drinking since I was about 10/11, and it's gradually worsened over the years. She's not a physically abusive drunk but instead is emotionally abusive, saying horrible things to me and my dad, and really anyone who's in the room and may have challenged her about her drinking. She's been signed off on work due to her alcohol abuse, and has lost two jobs as a result of it. Through it all my dad has stuck with her through it, leading to him becoming horribly depressed as he feels that he has no way out of it. She's made his life miserable.
He's tried everything he can to help her; paid for her to be hypnotised on multiple sections (very expensive, did nothing for her), supported the family on his own when she went to rehab for 3 months last year (once again ineffective, she relapsed on her first day out and if anything drank more since she came out), sent her to counselling, taking her to AA meetings and even tried to do controlled drinking where they'll drink together on a Saturday night for a nice night in. Nothing has worked. He moved out for a few days last year, and she just drank more until she finally came to her senses.
It seems her drinking follows a pattern, she'll drink, scream at us all, go to bed. Next day, drink, scream at us all, go to bed. Next day be sober, but completely silent and go into a huff because neither of us are talking to her. Next day, my dad slowly starts talking to her and by the next day it's all back to normal as if she'd never drank. Cue 4 days later and the whole cycle repeats itself.
Anytime she drinks (like today) it makes me so uncontrollably angry and I know you're not meant to argue with them when they're drunk but with the things she says I honestly can't help it, especially when I'm left alone with her all day with nowhere else to go whilst my dad is at work. Today's episode involved, me getting out of bed at 10am at which stage I could definitely tell she'd been drinking. I chose to say nothing and try and ignore it by just not talking to her and hoping that I was wrong. Then at 12pm she drank a lot more to the point she could barely talk, after which the arguing occurred.
Her and my dad had been looking at going away on holiday, under the condition that he'd book it if she didn't drink. So she began screaming at me that I had ruined the whole holiday and that the whole thing will be cancelled and that they won't be going away anywhere and that it was all my fault. To which I replied that it was not my fault that she'd drank and that I hadn't even told my dad that she'd been drinking, but that he'd know as soon as he came home from work. Today we were meant to be taking the dog to the vet at 4pm so he could get his injections because he was meant to be going to the kennels when they were away on holiday. Obviously once I realised the state she was in, I was not willing to inside the car being driven by her, so I then texted my brother who doesn't live with us saying he'd need to take the dog because she'd been drinking. And once again she completed flipped out at me saying I shouldn't have told him this and that she could drive. She told me that I had to make the decision to "save the holiday" and to do that I should text my brother back and say I'd been mistaken about her drinking. When I said I wouldn't do this she then started to try and guilt trip me by saying "well that's me and your dad done then, that's us we're going to split up now, and it's all your fault."
This is a common guilt trip for her one that she's used a lot over the years, and I've now become immune to it because honestly I really wouldn't care if they did split up because it probably would make my dad happier. I've been sitting in my room for the past 2 hours to get away from her and she's continually popped in and out of my room at least 6 times just to scream and shout at me. I wish I had somewhere to go but it's raining outside and I don't want to walk around aimlessly in the rain for the 4 hours before my dad comes home.
I'm sorry if this is really long winded and maybe boring, but I really just needed to rant about it all because there's no one I can talk to about it. Quite frankly I can't wait to move out of this house, and I'll be moving out in about a month and a half. I can't wait to live in a house where I'm not waking up each morning wondering what the day will be like, because if she's sober then great, we get along great and the day is fine. But just as easily I can wake up and know immediately she's been drinking and then the day just turns to shit. I'm envious of my friends who have a stable home life because I feel like this has turned me into an anxious and angry person. I can't even go to a friend's house and then come back the next day without worrying, "if I don't get home soon, she'll be home alone too long and then she'll drink." I feel like if I'm here and awake in the house then she can't drink, which obviously isn't true as she's done it many times before.
Any advice anyone could give me on how to cope with all this would be great, I tried to sum it all up but I've left out so much just so I don't end up writing a novel.
Have you gone to any meetings? You are so young you have a whole life to live going forward and I wish I had been more aware to realize that what other people did was not about me. I just really encourage you based upon if I could tell my 18 year old self anything is this too shall pass and while I was in a hurry to get out of my house I was not in a hurry to let go of the behavior that continued to attract what I left. Meaning I married 2 addict and struggle with understanding what is healthy. So if I could go back and tell my younger self anything that would be .. get yourself healthy first .. learn to love yourself first, .. and then work on a great plan to get yourself right by living on your own. Yes .. life with an addict is not manageable alone .. however you aren't alone there are lots of people who have traveled it and some of them are also your age. You really never have to be alone. And NO .. emotional abuse is never ok .. however you have to know your truth and that you don't have to buy into what is being sold .. at the meetings people really will hold your hand and love you through it until you get to that other side.
Big hugs,
S :)
I too grew up with an alcoholic step mother who was very emotionally abusive when she was drunk and even when she was sober so your post really touched me because I could relate to your feelings. I used to think that I could control drinking too (by being home soon so someone won't drink) but I've come to realize that I am powerless over someone else's drinking. One of the tools they talk about in AL Anon is the three Cs. You didn't Cause it, you can't Cure it, and you can't Control it. This was helpful to me early on in the program. I hope you seek out a meeting and find help for you. Take care!
I too would suggest you seek out local Al-Anon meetings and attend. In my situation, that is the only remedy that right-sized me and set me free. Those I love who have alcoholism are still active in their disease, yet I found my place, my peace and my joy by using the program to heal/deal.
Please keep coming back here too - you are not alone and there is always hope and help in recovery. (((Hugs)))